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Breaking News at 11
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Jan 15, 2004, 10:08 PM
 
Corporate Team Accused of Dumping Toxic Work Units

An anonymous tipster contacted us earlier today with allegations that the Big Corporate team has been dumping toxic units before the race.
Originally posted by anonymous:
... they have been dumping the toxics late at night before the race ... before everyone starts to watch. The word inside is that they have to unload those puppies in time before Joe Public begins to pay attention.
Calls to the corporate offices reached an answering service that said to call back during business hours.

We were unable to find any members of Team Lurker in time for this broadcast. Several people were seen running away from the camera crew; none have been identified at this time.

reader50 with The Exceptions had this to say about the allegations:
Originally posted by reader50:
I am shocked at this news, who would have dreamed of someone dumping before the deadline. There must be some mistake, the Corporates would never do something like this.
A call to reach the College Kids at Jimbo's School for Reckless Driving produced this result:
Originally posted by the phone lady:
... you may not disturb any of our experienced employees during working hours. They are all busy teaching our paying customers how to drive recklessly within the law. My name is none of your business, and we're not responsible for those accidents. Quit snooping around, we have lawyers to deal with you left-wing media types!
(click)
Repeated calls to the Over 30 team finally drew a response, that they will comment "when we get around to it".

Our investigative teams are looking into this story further. If you have any information, please post.
     
Mac Elite
Join Date: Nov 2003
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Jan 16, 2004, 09:34 AM
 
Good morning,
The following news release was just sent over the wire.


CORPORATE AMERICA ANNOUNCES PLANS TO BRANCH OUT; REVENUE AND EARNINGS EXPECTED TO SKY-ROCKET
Company leader also announces that he likes donuts.

REDMOND, WA, Jan. 16, 2004 -- Corporate America (Nasdaq: CORP), a large-scale provider of everything, today announced that based on a preliminary analysis of its first quarter results, America was no longer "big enough" for such a large-scale, all-encompassing organization. In a move that many consider to be even more surprising that the teaming up of Turner and Hooch, Corporate America has decided to extend their business ventures to other parts of the globe.

When asked to comment, the CEO of Corporate America had the following to say:
Originally said by Mr. Eug Bottom:
Let me tell you something, Miss. We've spent the last hundred years corrupt-- er, serving the US. Now that we produce 62% of this country's GDP, I felt it was time we move on. You know, expand. I mean, there's only so much that one company can do, even if that company does control all of the local and state governments. That being said, I though it was important that we reach out overseas and -- Oh! Is that man holding a donut? Uh, excuse me, I'll -- uh -- be right back.
Mr. Bottom declined all further comment.


The director of corporate communications also made a short statement to the press:
Originally said by Ms. Ess N. Em:
It felt very powerless to be tied up by a single country. It feels great to be able to remove these shackles and chains and be the one holding the whip for once.

As one might expect, such a branching out necessitated a change in name for Corporate America. Thus, they have proclaimed themselves, "The Corporation".

The head of human resources is said to be the most excited about the future prospects of The Corporation.
Originally posted by Turias:
This is exactly the break we have been looking for. For the last twenty years, the multi-national group of terrorists and swindlers known only as the Lurking Exceptions of Over 30 College Kids have been trying to bring us down. But no longer! With our competent people skilled in murders and executions -- er, I mean mergers and aquisitions -- our new-found power from overseas will help make us unbeatable! Bwa ha ha! Ha ha! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA!
Turias was then escorted from the podium.
     
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Jan 16, 2004, 11:50 AM
 
Oh, I get it, The Corporation must be the Windows fans in Team MacNN
     
Mac Elite
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Jan 16, 2004, 12:02 PM
 
Originally posted by jarling:
Oh, I get it, The Corporation must be the Windows fans in Team MacNN
Heathen! The Corporation will crush you for that remark. You _and_ your fellow lurkers...

But first, we must buy out some more companies. Who will be the next to join us?
     
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Jan 17, 2004, 06:33 AM
 
Buy me out, I'm sick of working (www.macfixer.net) I have my very own dnet team, and each machine has its own email address, so I get very detailed stacks of just which computers are working hard and which are not. And my team is in the top 400 overall, not bad for a one man job. And I'm climbing. Oh yeah I'm talking RC5 are you?
     
Mac Elite
Join Date: Nov 2003
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Jan 18, 2004, 09:52 PM
 
Nope, Folding@Home, but I'm sure The Corporation would love to buy you out, anyway!
     
   
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