[andi*pandi]

from another site are here: http://www.derailer.org/clientquotes.php?qid=1

It's just an archive, but pretty damn funny. Anyone have any good stupid client stories?

[MikeM32]

I love those, although there's not many directly relating to the print - end of the design business I can certainly relate. It almost makes me happy that I'm not into web-design (yet).

Mike

P.S. I've been meaning to tell you that I love your Quote, Mystery Men is one of my favorite flicks

[mitchell_pgh]

OK, I'll bite:

Ring Ring...

Me: "Hello"
Client: "Hi, We need 50,000 pieces of our company letterhead printed with changes we will fax to you by 3:00PM. FedEx them to us in LA by tomorrow."

Me: "Ummm, unfortunately it will take time for us to make the changes, send the artwork to the printer, have them make new films and plates, and then to run them. You also use a unique paper for your letterhead that will need to be specially ordered from the mill"
Client: "<YELLING> WHO DECIDED ON SPECIAL PAPER!!! </YELLING>

Me: "You did"
Client: "Then how long WILL it take?!"

Me: "About four to five days"
Client: "BULL$HIT!! I'll find someone that can get this done on time."

CLICK <client hangs up>

2 Hours pass...

Ring Ring...

Me: "Hello"
Client secretary: "Hi, about that project from before, what if we only printed 10,000, would that make a difference"

Me: "No, unfortunately the actual printing time is very short. It's all the steps getting your letterhead to the press that takes time"
Clients secretary: "Ohhh, thanks- Talk later"

Ring Ring...

Me: "Hello"
Client: "FINE, we need 50,000 ASAP. Can you get it to us in three days?"

Me: "I doubt it."
Client: "I need it ASAP, do what you have to do to get it here."


Now, after this is rushed through and printed, they bitch because there is a FedEx bill for the shipping of 50,000 pieces and a few rush charges! It drives me insane!

[andi*pandi]

there's so many flavors of stupid client too...

Mitchell: They wanted 50,000 ltrhd OVERNIGHT? Did you ask them what drugs they were smoking? oy... that would have given you 2 hours to print and produce before fedex came... LOL.

I repeatedly have to explain why I can't "just copy the image off the web" for print; why their powerpoint/publisher files won't be good for print, etc... And I know the reason why they get all gushy and say "I love it!!! but... can we change this?" they think they're saving your feelings... awwww...

I also love this type of situation:

me: Great, so all we need is the photo of your president. Can you email me a high quality jpg? You have a scanner, right? 300 dpi is good.

client: Ok, sure!

2 days later, I get an email from their secretary. It's a word file with an image in it. Resolution? Ha!

(thanks mike! one of the few movies worth owning and watching over and over!)

[anarkisst]

I hate clients that say, "I want it to look like this.". They send you a URL of a site and that is exactly what they want. So much for originality. Then when you send them an example they ask, "Great! You think we could get flak for copying their design?"..................

I always thought that we are hired for expounding their ideas or just being damn original artists/designers. But in some ways a lot of clients in this computer age believe only in "Copy/Paste".

I have done some great web sites for clients and have had them linked on my site for other clients/employers to see. There is one rule of thumb though...don't ever hand the whole site back to them. They'll always think they have a better "vision" or "direction" the site needs. Then they destroy it. Then I have to remove the link in embarrassment. (Thank God for screen captures!)

Still, our professions are based on customer service and there's no way around that.

[mitchell_pgh]

anarkisst I hate copy/paste design, but I can't stand it when the company gives me NO direction, and only after I show them something, they direct me to a site that they love. I'm tired of being creative when they don't want me to be.

How about this:

Client: We need a eight page brochure. I don't know what type of paper we want to use or if it's two color or four color, but I need a price by the end of the day!

[chris v]

Phone rings: " Uh, yeah, uh... I left a floppy disk there about a year and a half ago, and it had our corporate logo on it. I need it back ASAP.... WHAT??? You can't drop everything and find it right now??? I need it today! It had the only copy of our logo on it!"

Has happened MORE than once.

CV

[Apple Pro Underwear]

"we love the kayout but can we see a higher resolution on the pictures? Let me proof it....just fax it me when your done."

[mitchell_pgh]

----------------> SIX WORDS FOR ANYONE IN PRINT <---------------------

Client: It looks fine on my screen!

[philzilla]

clients always spoil an otherwise great job. idiots. it's funny though, how relative my price is, to their stupidity. the dumber they are, the higher it goes.

i had a deadline on a big job once, which i was just on target to meet. the client decided he wanted to bring that deadline forward, by one whole month. i was like "no way man, i can't meet that", to which he replied that he would have to find someone who would. i politely wished him good luck and he hung up on me. six months later, he hasn't had that job finished. he owed me a fair bit of money, but i think seeing him looking like an idiot is worth it

[godzookie2k]

Heh, originality or freedom isn't always a good thing. I just finished off a site for an upcoming art show at a famous art school here in Maryland <cough> Basically their (dorky artist types) concept for the piece was that there would be a plane of just text and a 'hole' cut through the plane to 'another world' where the images resided. So they give me designs and such, and I tell them

"there needs to be a way to make the hole in the middle of the text with the image disappear so one can actually *read* the text"

They say:
"No, the difficulty in reading the text is part of the concept"
so we argue about usability vs concept for a while and eventually I just give up on the argument and say "Fine, I'll give you exactly what you want, but I think making the window (hole) minimizable or draggable would be a good idea"
"No" they say

So, project is T-minus 3 days before launch and I am cheerfully bug fixing and removing code and graphics that weren't used, that sorta thing. Oh, I forgot. I made a version of the site early on in the process with draggability and minimization implemented, I got shot down. AS I delete all the animations and code that were connected with said old version with minimizations and draggability I get an email:
"I think we should come up with some way to let the user move the window out of the way or close it somehow, it makes the text quite hard to read"
SO I pull an all nighter, reanimating the minimize and maximize transitions and the dragging code, etc.
Next morning, T Minus 2 days till launch:
"No, I don't think we should go with this after all it impedes the concept too much, Oh, what are your hours looking like thus far?"

"OK FINE I'LL REMOVE THE DRAGGING AGAIN! hours are ___"

"What?! your hours on this project shouldn't be that high!"

"Well, actually I'm 30 hours under my estimate and would have been lower if you had not made me put in dragging and take it out and put it back in"

"But our budget...."

GRRR happens every time. I hate clients.

If you really care to see the results of this horrible experience... Please note, I didn't design this ugly beast, I just made a dumb idea work so don't make fun of me.
Nick

P.S. As of a few days after launch I get an email....
"Nick, I think we should find some way to make the window minimize somehow"


ARRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHH

[ 01-24-2002: Message edited by: godzookie2k ]

[andi*pandi]

ye gods nick... that's a bad deal.
nice font though.

(on the splash screen, typo in recommended. One "c".)

what do you guys do when clients owe you money and won't pay?

[MikeM32]

I've never freelanced myself (well a bit but nothing notable).

PRINT RELATED:

Pre-Press/Production Supervisor on phone with client: "Yes, sure we can do that, tomorrow is no problem", hangs up phone and turns to department

"Such and such client needs us to do this or that and needs it tomorrow. Does anyone know how to do this or that, and if so can we get it done my then?"



Mike

[philzilla]

Originally posted by andi*pandi:
<STRONG>what do you guys do when clients owe you money and won't pay?</STRONG>

it's a quick phone call to Tony Concrete or Quentin Kent. they can fix most problems within hours. amazing. i'd be well out of pocket if it wasn't for those guys...

[MikeM32]

Originally posted by andi*pandi:
what do you guys do when clients owe you money and won't pay?

I'm not freelance but most people I know that are, always have the client sign an agreement first and then when the job is completed they sign off on it. I'm not sure how it works with web design, but this is pretty-much how it works with the print business. This proves the dates the project was started and also shows that the client approved the finished work.

Basically, get them to sign something first, and it doesn't hurt to ask them for a deposit. I'd think it's fair to ask for a minimal fee just for taking on the project in the first place. If a job will cost a total of $1000.00 I'd probably ask for like $200.00 up front (or 20% the estimated final cost).

This fee would, of course, be non-refundable, and assures you don't get stiffed because the client suddenly decides to take it elsewhere, or (hahaha) do it themselves. You should and must be compensated in some way even if the client bails out on you. As long as it's in writing it legal and there's not a goddamned thing the client can welch you on. You could also consult a lawyer to get some kind of paperwork ready for all your clientele. I'd probably just type-up the agreement myself. The main point is getting the client to sign off on it. Verbal agreements don't have much to stand on and I think any lawyer would say the same.

Mike

[Big Fat Octopus]

I am designing a site for a guy who wants to do the regular updates on it himself. So I thought "make it simple (for him) but effective".

Me: Can you bring your images (for the site) to me on a floppy disc?

Client: Ummm, ahhhh, how do I do that?

Me: Oh, it's easy (I explain step by step how to use a floppy and give him a floppy disc to take home with him.)

A day passes.........

Client calls: I can't get the lid back onto the floppy.
Me: Lid, what lid????
Client: The black covering that's on the disc.
Me: I don't understand, there was no covering on the floppy!

.....After a great deal of tedious technophobic imagery from the client and a great deal of mental telepathy from me I discovered that he had pulled the disc protection slider off the floppy before he put it into his drive. Totally busted it off.

Heaven help me

[mitchell_pgh]

About being paid, send an invoice, after a month+1 day give them a friendly reminder, two weeks later, call, and say that they are overdue (send an overdue invoice). Two weeks later, call to confirm that they received the overdue notice. If they aren't going to pay, they aren't going to pay... If it's less then $500, I usually drop it and consider it a loss. I usually call a few months later and give a little guilt trip (Is everything OK with your company? I was hoping to get that money so that I could "pay for the printer I purchased for that project" or "at least breat even on the project" etc. I never make them feel bad, but know that what they owe me is REAL money, not just a number.

Big Fat Octopus you can make things fool proof but you can't make anything idiot proof...

I had a guy that didn't want to pay me to work with the printer. I said, fine, the number is (XXX) XXX-XXXX. I will send the artwork to them and consider this project done. I then billed him the next day. I got a call asking what a proof was. Then I got one about what a press check was. Then I got a call about what paper he should select. I was nice, but told him "Well, I am willing to help you, I charge $40 an hour for coordination." He didn't like that (it would have only taken 2-3 hours) The thing ended up looking half as good as it could have.

[slipjack]

Originally posted by andi*pandi:
<STRONG>ye gods nick... that's a bad deal.
nice font though.

(on the splash screen, typo in recommended. One "c".)

what do you guys do when clients owe you money and won't pay?</STRONG>

The font's a Japanese one I think... I've been using something similar: 04, its the series.

I'm in house, so I get the benefit/detraction of only one client. The benefit is that you get used to what they like/don't like and design process becomes easier. Of course the resulting decrease in creativety, freedom, etc. etc. is the negative side.

Our CEO has great ideas for Flash animations, which is fine, only the ideas are always half-baked. After a year of this, I can't wait to change jobs and work with some people that actually have a freakin' clue... I've had jobs before with producers that actually have some sort of concrete vision, so I know the difference.

I agree completely with the above opinions. Clients give you NOTHING in direction and then wonder why the result is not to their satisaction. Um, duh.

anyhoo... if anyone knows of a swanky job in the bay area... I'm starting to look. It's just so hard to leave a full time job in the current economy...*shiver*

[godzookie2k]

Originally posted by andi*pandi:
<STRONG>ye gods nick... that's a bad deal.
nice font though.

(on the splash screen, typo in recommended. One "c".)

what do you guys do when clients owe you money and won't pay?</STRONG>

Heh, yah. I know. Font is Tema Cantante, I don't know where they got it. Clients who owe me money and can't pay...ahh the memories.

First, for all freelance work, web or print, I get a deposit of 20% ish. Then I set up a schedule of 'milestones' for the project (usually in thirds) I submit an invoice for each milestone and expect payment within two weeks of said invoice. This system tends to work pretty well and at the end of the project I submit a final invoice for everything left over.

HOWEVER. In the event of clients not paying me. I once had a client who bounced 3 checks on me for around 1500 dollars. (checks came within a week so I didn't catch the first bounce until the third was deposited already) worst part was that I spent alot of that money before the checks bounced. (you know, money in bank before check *actually* clears) so when everything was all said and done with I was about 1500 dollars in the hole. It sucked. I have a lawyer that I call upon in events like these (has happened twice now) he usually makes a few calls and (the first time) I got paid promptly. This time however, the company folded just after my lawyers first few calls. long story short it would have cost me even more to keep my lawyer on it than I was going to get so I called him off and suffered the loss. it wasn't good.

BUT USUALLY the system works. I would, if you do alot of freelance, recommend (heh I can never spell that word) that you at least make contact with a lawyer who specializes in this sort of thing, in the event that you have to use him/her.


Nick

[chris v]

Not the worst horror story, but a window onto cluelessness...

I had a client standing at the t-shirt press during a press check, and she asks me "Do the silkscreens just see the youth shirts and get smaller?"

No lie.

CV

[godzookie2k]

Amusing article by Mr. Zeldman over at ALA about clients and non payment and such, click me! click me!


Nick

[JoNoiD]

worst is when clients know exactly what they want but they dont tell u till after they have shot down your concepts.
once did a few card designs for a client, he ended up hating them.
we sat down for 1/2 hour in coffee shop with my ibook and he basically told me what to put and where. ugliest cards i have ever seen, however, he was happy.

[andi*pandi]

i hear you on that.

Client: "I want my business cards to have a tree and an acorn on them, to show the growth my clients will get out of using my services." (career consulting.)

Me: Ok. (does five designs)

Client: Great!

&lt;week lapses&gt;

Client: Oh, I showed all the designs to some of my friends, and they said it looked like I was running a landscaping business. Could you take out the tree?

Me: Sure. &lt;sigh&gt;

[mitchell_pgh]

My print life:

Me: So is that one color, two colors or Four color job?
Client: Two colors, white and black.

Me: So what PMS color is that?
Client: PMS &lt;giggle&gt;

Me: It's going to take all night for that blue ink to dry?
Client: Well, then just fold them tonight and we get them tomorrow.

Me: Coated or uncoated?
Client: Coated?

Me: I'll just FTP the EPS to your ISP ASAP.
Client: Ummm, OK?!