[dziuopl]

Hi everybody,

I am about to plunge into a deep deep pit of depression. Here's the situation. I've been with my girlfriend for about 18 months now and just to make sure, I have not stopped loving her. She's a great girl although over the past 18 months there have been some things that bothered me. She's a vegetarian which is fine, it's just that she tries to convince me to stop eating meat all the time. She's very moody, she can go from "I love you" to "piss off" in less than a minute without me doing anything at all. And even after these 18 months, I still feel like a stranger at her place. She's always like "don't go in the kitchen" or "you can't visit me, I haven't had time to clean up in here" or "I don't want you to help me cooking, I can do that myself" at which point she usually gets very cranky.

Anyways, it's not that I stopped loving her it's just that there are more of these little things that keep bothering me but I won't bother you with details right now. I've been playing with the thought of breaking up with her in my mind for a few weeks now I just couldn't do it. It's easier to break up with somebody you have not been dating for the past 1.5 years I guess.
Also we barely see each other. I have to work late on tuesdays, wednesdays and fridays since I'm still going to college. She graduated college few years ago (yes, that does indeed mean that she's older than me - four years) and now has her steady 9-5. I don't think I can keep going for any longer since I see her maybe three times a week, sometimes even just once. We also made clear that we have no real future around the sixth month of our relationship when she told me that she never ever wants to have kids or a normal family of any sort. I do, go figure.

Now here's something else to spice things up a little. At college, I met this incredibly cute girl. She's taking some of my classes, we have already talked for hours. We have so much in common that it kinda scared me, just the thing that we both live in Europe yet we're both from Naples, FL freaked us both out.
She doesn't know about me having a girlfriend yet since that subject never came up during any of our conversations. I would sooooooo love to ask her out and I am 100% sure she'll say yes.

And that's where said pit of depression comes into life. I don't know what to do. On one hand I still love my girlfriend and was able to look over these things that bothered me for a long time now. On the other hand I know for sure that we have no real future, that we will have to break up someday. And honestly, I could not imagine me moving in with her. She would just drive me nuts with her mood swings'n'stuff.

What should I do? Should I break up with my girlfriend and ask out that college girl? I am really desperate here and hoping to find somebody who can give me some advice. Because right now I'm a total wreck. I can't concentrate on anything since I constantly have to think about that thing and what to do. So please help me!

[bells0]

Crikey, awesome 1st post!

If u aren't totally happy with your current g.f. and the new girl really makes u feel good, dump your g.f. and start seeing new gal [assuming she will??]

Not great advice, but u gotta go with what your heart tells u, sounds like u and current are drifting apart.

[TheBadgerHunter]

Break up. Your girlfriend wants one thing and you want another. She has no interest in bending and based on your post I'd say little interest in you. All you're doing by stay with it is abusing yourself.

[Millennium]

No offense, but is asking for relationship advice on a geek forum really such a good idea?

Ahem. If you're so certain that you have no future with your current girlfriend, and the only reason you're staying with her is because it's hard to let go, then get out of it now. Think long and hard about it first, of course. But from what I get out of your description, the two of you have never really developed much intimacy (on an emotional level anyway; I neither know nor need to know about any physical stuff). Without that, you're right; the relationship really has no future.

This said, it sounds like you want emotional intimacy in your extant relationship; you're just not getting it. Talk to your girlfriend about this; it sounds as though she is the distant one, but then again I've only heard one side of the story. If she and you -this will certainly require both of you- are willing to do the work to build the intimacy you need, then stay with her.

Love is a verb, and sometimes it's quite difficult. A large part of the emotional aspect of love is a willingness to do the work to build and maintain the other emotions. There is no shame in not being willing to do this with a specific person, but if you're not willing to do it with someone then that person is not The One.

The one thing I will caution you against: do not ask this new girl out unless and until you have ended your relationship with your current girlfriend. Intent is irrelevant; don't do it until the deed is done. Ignore this advice at your peril; it opens a can of worms that you do not want opened. Trust me on this.

[dziuopl]

Originally posted by Millennium:
Ahem. If you're so certain that you have no future with your current girlfriend, and the only reason you're staying with her is because it's hard to let go, then get out of it now. Think long and hard about it first, of course. But from what I get out of your description, the two of you have never really developed much intimacy (on an emotional level anyway; I neither know nor need to know about any physical stuff). Without that, you're right; the relationship really has no future.

You know what, that is totally it. You're totally and 100% right. And trust me, I'm not going to ask that new girl out until after I have broken up with my girlfriend, I know that this is never a good idea and probably more than any decent human being is able to put up with.

Thanks a lot for your advice, I think I'll talk to my girlfriend soon and tell her what the situation is. Of course without mentioning the new girl

[Spliffdaddy]

Honestly, it sounds as if your present girlfiend isn't all that interested in a relationship (besides the fact that she has a 'food problem' which ain't going away).

Your entire tone changed from depression to hopefulness the second you started telling us about the new girl.

The decision has been made already - but you're waiting for confirmation.

You can waste a lot of time in a realtionship that isn't going anywhere. I wasted ten years once. Don't do that...it's time you cannot get back.

[waxcrash]

Dump your girlfriend and ask the cute girl from college out.

[BoomStick]

Dood, they are ALL the same and she is perfectly normal.

Welcome to he||.

I've been married to mine for 10 years and your description is spot on.

[badidea]

Originally posted by Millennium:
<good post>

The one thing I will caution you against: do not ask this new girl out unless and until you have ended your relationship with your current girlfriend. Intent is irrelevant; don't do it until the deed is done. Ignore this advice at your peril; it opens a can of worms that you do not want opened. Trust me on this.

[serious advice]Nooooooo, please don't take this advice until you are totally sure that the college girl really has the same feelings for you as you have for her!!
And yeah, dumb your girlfriend! It doesn't look like she would care very much about you - it looks more like she's seeing her young lover in you...............hmmmm........if I think a little bit more about it, keep her for fun until you are sure that the new girl is the one you really LOVE![/serious advice]

[Turias]

Originally posted by Spliffdaddy:
The decision has been made already - but you're waiting for confirmation.

That's exactly what I got from your first post.

The fact that you want a family and she doesn't is enough of a reason to get out of that relationship. It can't go anywhere. It might be ok to stay in it if you were both having fun and enjoying yourselves, but it doesn't sound like you are.

Even though you still love her, it is ok to break up. In fact, it sounds like that would be the best thing to do for both of you.

[dziuopl]

Originally posted by Turias:
The fact that you want a family and she doesn't is enough of a reason to get out of that relationship. It can't go anywhere. It might be ok to stay in it if you were both having fun and enjoying yourselves, but it doesn't sound like you are.

O....M....G....! You know what, it kinda freaks me out that you guys can read my thoughts. Cause that is exactly what I was thinking, like "meh it's fun, we like each other so let's have fun" - which is basically how the relationship started in the first place.

Thank you all for your precious advice. Although I'm still not really sure what to do I think you're right. I already made my decision, I just wasn't sure about it... the thing is, we have been together for 1.5 years now, that's nothing you can just wash away with a shower you know.

[phoenixboy70]

Originally posted by dziuopl:
Should I break up with my girlfriend and ask out that college girl?

yes. in that order too.

well, that was easy.

next...

[UNTeMac]

Originally posted by dziuopl:
O....M....G....! You know what, it kinda freaks me out that you guys can read my thoughts. Cause that is exactly what I was thinking, like "meh it's fun, we like each other so let's have fun" - which is basically how the relationship started in the first place.

Thank you all for your precious advice. Although I'm still not really sure what to do I think you're right. I already made my decision, I just wasn't sure about it... the thing is, we have been together for 1.5 years now, that's nothing you can just wash away with a shower you know.

Based on that post, combined with your previous ones...I'm not sure you really "love" your current girlfriend anymore. You've become "used" to her. Get out now man. Never ever put up anything less than what you truly want in women. There are a lot of them out there. Plus, if you don't talk everyday...the relationship is doomed.

[Turias]

Originally posted by dziuopl:
the thing is, we have been together for 1.5 years now, that's nothing you can just wash away with a shower you know.

You're right, but it will be easier now than in another year or two. It sounds like if you do it now, you will be doing what is right for both of you, and that you may even be able to leave this on good terms.

I'm not so sure that will be the case if you wait for another year.

[unkle_brains]

why are you depressed? this is an opportunity. sounds like you gf is psycho bitch. dump her.

[Turias]

Originally posted by UNTiMac:
Based on that post, combined with your previous ones...I'm not sure you really "love" your current girlfriend anymore. You've become "used" to her. Get out now man. Never ever put up anything less than what you truly want in women. There are a lot of them out there. Plus, if you don't talk everyday...the relationship is doomed.

He says he loves her, and I believe him. We should at least give him the benefit of the doubt. Love doesn't always guarantee a good relationship, though.

[Turias]

Originally posted by BoomStick:
Dood, they are ALL the same and she is perfectly normal.

Welcome to he||.

I've been married to mine for 10 years and your description is spot on.

You win the "depressing post of the day" award.

[nerd]

I vote break up with her. Moody sucks especially if you’re a mellow person. After 18 months if you can't see her for whom she is (messy house, etc) then what's the point? It seems like there's a barrier up for some reason. 18 months is a long time so it probably won't be easy breaking up but the sooner you do it the better (if that's what you want).

I say get out of it while you can because I've seen my girlfriend for 3 years and we've lived together for 2. She’s very moody. So moody that if affects me and I’m not happy most of the time when I’m with her. We finally talked about things (it was actually email) about how we feel so I hope things get better.

I've met some girls that I think are really kick-ass. I've been in the same boat as you, I think wow, I really get along with this girl and now I have to go home to the angry one. Given the length of time we've been dating and living together I want it to work out. I'm in love with my girl when she can smile and have a good time. When she's not happy and I run into a nice girl that can smile and laugh is when I have a hard time. The happy/angry ratio was probably 10/90, that bad. This week after our talk it's been 98/2. Big difference but how long will it last? If it does then I’ll be happy. If it doesn’t then I’ll hurt for a few months when we break up and then be happy. There's no way I'll make 3 more years if things get ugly again.

My ramblings, my experience. Hope you can get something from it.

Brad

[dziuopl]

Originally posted by Turias:
I'm not so sure that will be the case if you wait for another year.

I'm not so sure that will be the case today... But you are of course right, I know that every day breaking up will get harder. It's just that I have never had a relationship that lasted that long... I probably really got used to it.

[Mithras]

You're young. Break up, ask out the college girl, meet a few different people. Unless you plan to be with your current girlfriend forever (probably a bad idea), you should play the field a little.

[unkle_brains]

Originally posted by Turias:
He says he loves her, and I believe him. We should at least give him the benefit of the doubt. Love doesn't always guarantee a good relationship, though.

i don't believe it. it appears to me he just tolerates her and is stuck in a rut. move on dude.

[Wiskedjak]

Originally posted by dziuopl:
--- snip ---

Welcome to the wacky world of women

[Spliffdaddy]

It wouldn't be the end of the world if you went out to lunch with the 'new girl' before breaking up with the 'old girl'. After all, your present relationship doesn't sound like it should be an exclusive relationship. If 'old girl' only wants to see you a few days a week - then she can't really complain about who you see on the other days.

I'm not so sure that breaking up with your present girlfriend is required. Although, it's likely that the end result will be the same - after a scheduling conflict with the 'new girl' keeps you away from the 'old girl'. Tell 'old girl' the truth. And the truth doesn't have anything to do with a 'new girl' - it has a lot more in common with the fact that you aren't happy in your present relationship. It doesn't have to be anybody's fault, either.

Try to stay on good terms with every girlfriend, with every friend. It's possible because I've done it. Honesty sometimes has a time-delayed fuse - where it looks like it doesn't work...but later can become very effective.

[dziuopl]

Oh no, I told myself never ever to go out with two girls at the same time. As Millenium said, that can cause more trouble than any man is capable of putting up with. Plus when you're dating for 18 months, it's kinda exclusive so seeing other women - out of question.

Well, I'm right back where I started. I can either break up with 'old girl' and ask out 'new girl' or not. And I simply don't know what to do. I mean breaking up really does sound like the right thing to do and I'm probably just used to the fact that I have a girlfriend and on some level don't want things to change.
On the other hand... you know. It's really hard to decide, that's the thing. I still think that breaking up would be the right thing to do, I'm just not sure I can do it.

[Judge_Fire]

Originally posted by Millennium:
This said, it sounds like you want emotional intimacy in your extant relationship; you're just not getting it. Talk to your girlfriend about this; it sounds as though she is the distant one, but then again I've only heard one side of the story. If she and you -this will certainly require both of you- are willing to do the work to build the intimacy you need, then stay with her.

[snip]

The one thing I will caution you against: do not ask this new girl out unless and until you have ended your relationship with your current girlfriend. Intent is irrelevant; don't do it until the deed is done. Ignore this advice at your peril; it opens a can of worms that you do not want opened. Trust me on this.

Originally posted by Spliffdaddy:
Try to stay on good terms with every girlfriend, with every friend. It's possible because I've done it. Honesty sometimes has a time-delayed fuse - where it looks like it doesn't work...but later can become very effective.

J

[drive-thru]

You have to make the decision about who to go out with. If you feel that your current relationship is worth saving then try to do so, but if you feel that it's dying then the new girl is the way to go.

My advice: it sounds like, in your current relationship, the two of you drifted apart and continued to do so until you found yourself no longer in an emotionally intimate relationship and just going through the motions. In my experience this drifting apart happens because of one thing: lack of communication. If something your partner does annoys you it's ok to talk about it. If you go on ignoring these little things they build up, you end up going crazy over things your girlfriend never realised you had a problem with. Obviously tact is required here. The problem is that the issues people have with their partners seem insignificant and not worth potentially arguing over, but they build up.

A relationship is about sharing a large part of your life with someone. No two people will be able to enter into each others' lives without any hiccups. Unless you want to be dating the female version of yourself you need to be able to talk to your future girlfriends.

Communicate with you girlfriend right from the start and the problems you have with each other will become insignificant.

[badidea]

Originally posted by dziuopl:
...
I still think that breaking up would be the right thing to do, I'm just not sure I can do it.

Stop showering, eat as much garlic and onions as you can and fart as often as possible when your girlfriend is around - this will make her do it!

[turtle777]

Originally posted by badidea:
Stop showering, eat as much garlic and onions as you can and fart as often as possible when your girlfriend is around - this will make her do it!

Make her dump you, that will make her and you feel better.

On the other hand: you could just be plain honest and tell her how you feel and that you don't think this has a future.
I'd go with that, because there is always a possibility of things getting back at you if you act like crazy just to get a relationship ended.

-t

[wdlove]

Life is too short to be unhappy in a relationship. You should breakup with your girlfriend, it doesn't appear that your that close anyway. I agree that you should be free prior to asking out the cut college girl. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

[dziuopl]

Originally posted by turtle777:
On the other hand: you could just be plain honest and tell her how you feel and that you don't think this has a future.
I'd go with that, because there is always a possibility of things getting back at you if you act like crazy just to get a relationship ended.

I totally agree. I've been thinking about it and being honest with her and telling her how I really feel is the only way to break up. I could just become all distant and weird so she'd break up with me but that is not something I am willing to do.
I think I'm going to talk to her. I'm going to call her, meet her some place and talk to her about how I feel and about our future that we don't really have...

[wolfen]

Originally posted by dziuopl:
I still think that breaking up would be the right thing to do, I'm just not sure I can do it.

You need to find a friend you're really close to. Have him draw a picture of a couple of balls. Have him tape this picture to that empty real estate between your navel lint and your klingons.

Perhaps then you will be a man.



[PS...I'm scheduled to have someone come over and do this for me, soon.]

[RAILhead]

Give her the "it's not you, it's me" speech and drop her like a bad habit.

Maury

[turtle777]

Originally posted by RAILhead:
Give her the "it's not you, it's me" speech and drop her like a bad habit.
Maury

If bad habits were easy to drop everything would be so much easier...

-t

[Spliffdaddy]

"Until your girlfriend has red hair and always wears a skirt, you'll always be looking for a girlfriend." - Spliffdaddy's Words of Eternal Wisdom volume 2

[Stradlater]

A helluva first post, indeed. If you're serious...

Originally posted by dziuopl:
she tries to convince me to stop eating meat all the time.

Dump the broad.

Originally posted by dziuopl:
She's very moody, she can go from "I love you" to "piss off" in less than a minute without me doing anything at all. And even after these 18 months, I still feel like a stranger at her place. She's always like "don't go in the kitchen" or "you can't visit me, I haven't had time to clean up in here" or "I don't want you to help me cooking, I can do that myself" at which point she usually gets very cranky.

Seriously, dump her.

Originally posted by dziuopl:
Anyways, it's not that I stopped loving her it's just that there are more of these little things that keep bothering me but I won't bother you with details right now. I've been playing with the thought of breaking up with her in my mind for a few weeks now I just couldn't do it. It's easier to break up with somebody you have not been dating for the past 1.5 years I guess.
Also we barely see each other. I have to work late on tuesdays, wednesdays and fridays since I'm still going to college. She graduated college few years ago (yes, that does indeed mean that she's older than me - four years) and now has her steady 9-5. I don't think I can keep going for any longer since I see her maybe three times a week, sometimes even just once. We also made clear that we have no real future around the sixth month of our relationship when she told me that she never ever wants to have kids or a normal family of any sort. I do, go figure.

It sounds like you should have ended this a long time ago. 1.5 years and you still don't feel at home? Barely see her and still not cherishing the little time you do have with her? She doesn't want kids? (The last may change when she turns 30ish and the hormones begin making phone calls, but don't bet your life on it.) Dump her.

Date the girl that's your own age.

You "love" your girlfriend because she's been a big part of your life for awhile and because it's become convenient and you're afraid to let it go. But you don't sound happy. You don't sound confident it has _any_ future. Save yourself anymore drama and break up with her start looking for something better...starting with the girl who's closer to your own age.

[Stradlater]

Originally posted by Millennium:
Love is a verb, and sometimes it's quite difficult.

It's also a noun, and doesn't seem to exist in this relationship.

[Xeo]

Originally posted by wolfen:
You need to find a friend you're really close to. Have him draw a picture of a couple of balls. Have him tape this picture to that empty real estate between your navel lint and your klingons.

Perhaps then you will be a man.



[PS...I'm scheduled to have someone come over and do this for me, soon.]

Originally posted by Stradlater:
A helluva first post, indeed. If you're serious...

I'm actually not convinced that it's not a regular trying to hide personal details like this from the rest of us.

[dziuopl]

Originally posted by Xeo:


I'm actually not convinced that it's not a regular trying to hide personal details like this from the rest of us.

You're good

[iXavier]

Originally posted by Stradlater:
You "love" your girlfriend because she's been a big part of your life for awhile and because it's become convenient and you're afraid to let it go. But you don't sound happy. You don't sound confident it has _any_ future. Save yourself anymore drama and break up with her start looking for something better...starting with the girl who's closer to your own age.

This is definately applicable to my situation.

I was with a girl for 7 months, which is less than the 1.5 years, but still significant. I start to wonder how much I loved her because she was a part of my life rather than for who she was, especially since we were so opposite. She broke it off at the end (about a month ago) and I'm still hurting, but if there's one thing that I've learned, it's that people have to connect on a deeper level and she wasn't offering me the same connection on the same level as I was offering her.

If there's no future in a relationship, there's no future. Do I still hope that there is a future every day? Eh, sometimes. But does everyone deserve to connect with someone with whom they're really compatible, as opposed to someone who they're used to having there? I would think so, but having someone there is priceless in itself.

Food for thought.

x.

[iREZ]

Don't be with anybody who try's to "convince" you or "change" you in anyway. Your you and they're they, if you guys get along that way great, if not then it's time to call it quits. I'd break it off with the GF and start living life again. Nothing to fall into depression over, you realize how many single girls are out in the world nowadays!?

[Stradlater]

Originally posted by iXavier:
I was with a girl for 7 months, which is less than the 1.5 years, but still significant...

It's an unfortunately common situation; it's easy to let your perspective become narrow once you're in a relationship. Time amazingly heals this wound, though.

[Eriamjh]

Dump her. Just disappear and stop calling her.

[Earth Mk. II]

Originally posted by Spliffdaddy:
Your entire tone changed from depression to hopefulness the second you started telling us about the new girl.

The decision has been made already - but you're waiting for confirmation.

I'd have to agree - It sounds like you've already made your decision.

I'd say talk to her about whatever is bothering you first, be it big or small (still feeling uncomfortable at her place is a big thing), and see how she responds. If the two of you can work something out that you are satisfied with and that you want, then it might be worth giving it another go. If not, you're just going to have to grow a pair and dump her.

Originally posted by Stradlater:
It's an unfortunately common situation; it's easy to let your perspective become narrow once you're in a relationship. Time amazingly heals this wound, though.

I was in a similar situation this summer, after thinking it over and talking with my really close friends, I decided to end it. Not an easy decision, but after talking to other people I found it's a surprisingly common thing.

[Landos Mustache]

On the other side your GF does not sound happy with your relationship either. Those mood swings are absurd and she needs to deal with them. I would never tolerate something like that.

You need to dump her NOW and go out with that other girl.

[OldManMac]

1. You're confusing "love" with fear of change. You don't love her; you're just afraid of what's on the other side, and have fear of the unknown.

2. You're in college?

[PacHead]

Break up with your current GF. She sounds like a moody, psychotic female. Maybe her mood swings are due to the fact that she eats no meat. Whatever the reason, she doesn't sound like she's worth it, and there are billions more females on the planet ready to spread their legs.

Make a move on the new cutie you have met, you have nothing to lose.

[PacHead]

PS - your current GF also sounds like somebody who would chop your penis off. Get away, before it is too late. . . . . .

[smacintush]

Dump her and don't sweat it. You're young, how many years do you want to waste with someone who doesn't or won't make you happy?

I'm speaking from experience. I am currently ending a 14 year relationship like that. You never get your time back.

[Landos Mustache]

Originally posted by KarlG:
1. You're confusing "love" with fear of change. You don't love her; you're just afraid of what's on the other side, and have fear of the unknown.

Bingo.

[Cody Dawg]

The fact that you even have to consider breaking up means that you MUST break up.

You don't "love" that girlfriend you're with. I think you care deeply about her.

But, obviously you're ready to move on.

Do what Millenium said: Break up THEN ask the cute chick out.