[Mr Ti]

Heard this today...

What do you get if you cross an apple with a nun?

A computer that won't go down on you,

bum bum

Anymore, or have I just lost what little credability I had....

[ManOfSteal]

Originally posted by Mr Ti:
Anymore, or have I just lost what little credability I had....

Haha, not at all.

[f1000]

What a bunch of nunsense.

[brapper]

hahaha

[CreepingDeth]

Originally posted by Mr Ti:
Heard this today...

What do you get if you cross an apple with a nun?

A computer that won't go down on you,

bum bum

Anymore, or have I just lost what little credability I had....

OMGWTF! Loll! Hahhaahahahahahahahaha that wasn't funny!

[macaddict0001]

Ok so two hunters were out in the woods and one of them drops unconsious on the ground, the other hunter calls 911 and the operator asks what his emergancy is he says "my hunting buddy is dead" and the operator say's "ok first we have to check to see if he's really dead" The hunter goes off the cellphone, Bam, he comes back on and says yep he's dead.

[hyperb0le]

Alright, this is pretty lame, but bear with me:
-------------------------
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Xeo]

Originally posted by macaddict0001:
Ok so two hunters were out in the woods and one of them drops unconsious on the ground, the other hunter calls 911 and the operator asks what his emergancy is he says "my hunting buddy is dead" and the operator say's "ok first we have to check to see if he's really dead" The hunter goes off the cellphone, Bam, he comes back on and says yep he's dead.

Congratulations for using the "funniest joke ever"! (i do think it's funny and it does usually go over well)

Oh, but I just noticed that you screwed it up. You aren't supposed to "check" if he is dead. You are supposed to "make sure he's dead". "OK, first we have to make sure he's really dead." That's essential... And then you end it with "Bam... pause... 'OK, now what?'"

[edit] My contribution to the thread:

Originally posted by me over a year ago:
Staush was hitchhiking to California and got picked up by a truck driver. The driver was in a hurry and could not make any stops. About 20 miles down the road Staush said, "I have to take ****!"

The driver said, "I don't have the time to stop."

Staush replied, "Got to ****!"

The driver pulled over and said, "Go down over the hill and take a **** and hurry up."

Ten minutes passed, and no Staush had not returned. The driver hollered, "Hurry up!" Staush asked if he had any toilet paper. The driver replied, "No! wipe your ass on a dollar.

After a while, Staush came up the hill with **** all over him. The driver said, "How did you get **** all over yourself?"

Staush replied, "You ever try to wipe ass on three quarters two dimes and a nickel?"

-- copied and pasted from some webpage. I didn't want to type it out from memory. I first heard it from my dad who used Ole as the subject, a thick norwegian accent, and some improvisations that he likes to do while telling a joke.

[Super Nova]

just for the record, im a dude, but i still thought that this was pretty funny


According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both__ male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.__ Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost

[benb]

Why is turtle wax so expensive?

Because they have such small ears.


-----


So there's this pirate walking down the street with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. A postman comes up to him and asks, "Hey matey, why do you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch? Isn't it a bit uncomfortable?"

To which the pirate replies, "Arrrgh! its drivin' me nuts!"

[Super Nova]

As I laid down in my bed, I stared up at the stars

And I thought to myself,

"Where the **** is the ceiling?"

SuperNova

[Komisar]

I like your sig... my spoon tends to be too big aswell, tell the banana i say ello'

[Xeo]

Originally posted by Komisar:
I like your sig... my spoon tends to be too big aswell, tell the banana i say ello'

I just saw those videos for the first time on Friday.

[Komisar]

They are great aren't they... I'm surprised you haven't seen em sooner they have been around for a while!

[Super Nova]

yeah, although i'm happy my spoon tends to be big, i'm glad my anus is not bleeding


SuperNova

[ajprice]

How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb?
1, 2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64, 128...aaaargh!


How many Australians does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
10, 1 to make the cookies and 9 to peel the Smarties.

[Albert Pujols]

Originally posted by ajprice:
How many Australians does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
10, 1 to make the cookies and 9 to peel the Smarties.

[Super Nova]

Originally posted by ajprice:
How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb?
1, 2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64, 128...aaaargh!


How many Australians does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
10, 1 to make the cookies and 9 to peel the Smarties.

hmmmm, try this on for size:

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the counter which is filled to the brim with ten dollar bills.

The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: "What's up with the jar?"

Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

Man: "What are the three tests?"
Bartender: "Pay first. Those are the rules."

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar.

Bartender: "OK, here's what you have to do. First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there is a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth...you
have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta
make things right for her."

Man: "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of tequila and get crazier from there."

Bartender: "Your call. But your money stays in the
jar."

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he
asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking and screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence.

Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"NOW," he says, "where's that woman with the sore
tooth!"

[Super Nova]

How long does it take for an Austrian to replace a lightbulb?

One hour. 1 minute to replace the lightbulb, 59 minutes to reach full pumptential.

SuperNova

P.S. That's my own joke

[Komisar]

I would post a joke... But i fell and i can't get up

[d4nth3m4n]

why did the blonde (i know) take a piece of sandpaper to the desert?

she thought it was a map.
----------------------------

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his log book out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

[Sherwin]

Naval ship and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 95. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We're a lighthouse. Your call.

[ajprice]

These are smarties to me, chocolate buttons in a crispy coloured shell.

Your Smarties look more like Love Hearts

[mdc]

smarties are like chocolate m 'n ms.

[ajprice]

Yes they are like chocolate m & m's, I've never seen those other smarties, I know they're from another country, but still.

[wdlove]

I give everyone credit, you have the ability to remember a joke after hearing the joke.

[dgs212]

here goes nothing...






Q. What's brown and sticky?


A. A stick







yuk yuk yuk.

[JLFanboy]

Okay, here's a dirty one. Hope I don't offend anyone's delicate sensibilities.

One day a naval ship comes into port. All the men get off for shore leave, looking for a drink and a girl. One guy separates from the group and eventually finds a brothel. Outside the brothel is a sign, reading:

"World's Only Opera-Singing Hooker!"

The man gets confused and decides to investigate. Inside, he goes up to the madam.

"Excuse me, but what's with the sign? You just assume your hooker is the only one who can sing opera?"

"No, but our's is the only one who can do it while giving a blow job."

The man says he has to see this. The madam brings him to the room and leads him in to find a beautiful girl. She tells him to put his money on the dresser, and immediately turns off the lights. Dark or not, things start to get hot and heavy. Suddenly he feels her start to go down on him, and he's shocked to hear a beautiful aria filling the room. She finishes up and he goes back to tell his friends.

"No way, it's not possible!"

"I'm telling you, it was opera! While she was blowing me!"

"And she made you turn the lights off?"

"Yeah, that was the one condition."

One of his friends says that he has to see this for himself. They decide that the best thing to do would be to sneak in a flashlight, and turn it on while she's already started singing. He takes his flashlight and finds the brothel. The madam leads him to the girl's room. He puts down his money and turns off the lights. Sure enough, just as she starts the blow job, she breaks into another aria. Amazed, the sailor grabs his flashlight and flicks it on.

Just as he does, the girl gasps and smacks it out of his hand. It flies across the room and lands, spinning. As it slows to a stop, the beam of light comes to rest on the girl's nightstand.

Illuminated on the nightstand is a single, glass eye.

[DeathToWindows]

supernova and hyperbole are tied in my book... dammit man, don't bugger the damn dog

[CreepingDeth]

Originally posted by JLFanboy:
Okay, here's a dirty one. Hope I don't offend anyone's delicate sensibilities.

One day a naval ship comes into port. All the men get off for shore leave, looking for a drink and a girl. One guy separates from the group and eventually finds a brothel. Outside the brothel is a sign, reading:

"World's Only Opera-Singing Hooker!"

The man gets confused and decides to investigate. Inside, he goes up to the madam.

"Excuse me, but what's with the sign? You just assume your hooker is the only one who can sing opera?"

"No, but our's is the only one who can do it while giving a blow job."

The man says he has to see this. The madam brings him to the room and leads him in to find a beautiful girl. She tells him to put his money on the dresser, and immediately turns off the lights. Dark or not, things start to get hot and heavy. Suddenly he feels her start to go down on him, and he's shocked to hear a beautiful aria filling the room. She finishes up and he goes back to tell his friends.

"No way, it's not possible!"

"I'm telling you, it was opera! While she was blowing me!"

"And she made you turn the lights off?"

"Yeah, that was the one condition."

One of his friends says that he has to see this for himself. They decide that the best thing to do would be to sneak in a flashlight, and turn it on while she's already started singing. He takes his flashlight and finds the brothel. The madam leads him to the girl's room. He puts down his money and turns off the lights. Sure enough, just as she starts the blow job, she breaks into another aria. Amazed, the sailor grabs his flashlight and flicks it on.

Just as he does, the girl gasps and smacks it out of his hand. It flies across the room and lands, spinning. As it slows to a stop, the beam of light comes to rest on the girl's nightstand.

Illuminated on the nightstand is a single, glass eye.

[DeathToWindows]

explain the eye bit please?

[JLFanboy]

Um, how can I put this? When...when she takes the...when she takes the eye...

Oh, I just can't. You're gonna have to figure this out on your own.

[d4nth3m4n]

Originally posted by JLFanboy:
Okay, here's a dirty one. Hope I don't offend anyone's delicate sensibilities.

One day a naval ship comes into port. All the men get off for shore leave, looking for a drink and a girl. One guy separates from the group and eventually finds a brothel. Outside the brothel is a sign, reading:

"World's Only Opera-Singing Hooker!"

The man gets confused and decides to investigate. Inside, he goes up to the madam.

"Excuse me, but what's with the sign? You just assume your hooker is the only one who can sing opera?"

"No, but our's is the only one who can do it while giving a blow job."

The man says he has to see this. The madam brings him to the room and leads him in to find a beautiful girl. She tells him to put his money on the dresser, and immediately turns off the lights. Dark or not, things start to get hot and heavy. Suddenly he feels her start to go down on him, and he's shocked to hear a beautiful aria filling the room. She finishes up and he goes back to tell his friends.

"No way, it's not possible!"

"I'm telling you, it was opera! While she was blowing me!"

"And she made you turn the lights off?"

"Yeah, that was the one condition."

One of his friends says that he has to see this for himself. They decide that the best thing to do would be to sneak in a flashlight, and turn it on while she's already started singing. He takes his flashlight and finds the brothel. The madam leads him to the girl's room. He puts down his money and turns off the lights. Sure enough, just as she starts the blow job, she breaks into another aria. Amazed, the sailor grabs his flashlight and flicks it on.

Just as he does, the girl gasps and smacks it out of his hand. It flies across the room and lands, spinning. As it slows to a stop, the beam of light comes to rest on the girl's nightstand.

Illuminated on the nightstand is a single, glass eye.

that is so wrong.

[edit] blown smiley

[DeathToWindows]

Ye bloody Gods that's sick... dayum, that wouldn;t even be a blowjob! Poor bastard.

[JLFanboy]

Honestly, this will alway be my favorite joke. Nothing beats that dawning comprehension.

[DeathToWindows]

Originally posted by JLFanboy:
Honestly, this will alway be my favorite joke. Nothing beats that dawning comprehension.

Yeah, and nothing beats a keyboard full of emestis...

[Super Nova]

oh god, i just got that.....

oh god



SuperNova

[Komisar]

that is so wrong, on so many levels.....

[Mithras]

But how does the glass eye sing the aria?
J.K.

[Mithras]

Originally posted by Sherwin:
IRISH: We're a lighthouse. Your call.

So the Irish are the Canadians of the U.K.?

[fireside]

http://bash.org/?420855

[Oisín]

Originally posted by Mithras:
So the Irish are the Canadians of the U.K.?

It would seem so.

For anyone who doesn't get that, look at this

Edit: Woah, that image was bigger than I thought. Better change it to a link so I don't get Tookinated

[CharlesS]

http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthse.htm

[Mithras]

In the bash.org theme:
#171987

<Th3No0b> Im going to be the next hitler
<Th3No0b> Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
<RageAgainsttheAmish> why the clown
<Th3No0b> See? no one cares about the jews
<RageAgainsttheAmish> lmao

#207373

<anamexis> oh man
<anamexis> I was opening a coke, right
--> Beefpile (~mbeefpile@cloaked.wi.rr.com) has joined #themacmind
<anamexis> and it exploded
<anamexis> ALMOST all over my keyboard
<anamexis> but I got it away just in time
<-- Beefpile has quit (sick &#102;&#117;&#099;&#107;&#101; &#114;&#115;)
<anamexis> :<

[Sherwin]

Originally posted by Mithras:
So the Irish are the Canadians of the U.K.?

Yep.

[Xeo]

Originally posted by Mithras:
In the bash.org theme:
#171987

<Th3No0b> Im going to be the next hitler
<Th3No0b> Im going to kill all the jews and 1 clown
<RageAgainsttheAmish> why the clown
<Th3No0b> See? no one cares about the jews
<RageAgainsttheAmish> lmao

[hayesk]

Originally posted by Albert Pujols:

No, more like:
http://rjbs.manxome.org/projects/jga...h/smarties.jpg

They're like chocolate M&Ms.

What you have shown are called "Rockets" in Canada. I don't know about elsewhere.

[koogz]

Husband and Wife are lying in bed.

Wife: [rolls towards husband] Honey, I'm going to make you the happiest man on the planet.
Husband: [pauses to take in the information, takes a heavy breath and says,] I'll miss you.

[Super Nova]

Originally posted by koogz:
Husband and Wife are lying in bed.

Wife: [rolls towards husband] Honey, I'm going to make you the happiest man on the planet.
Husband: [pauses to take in the information, takes a heavy breath and says,] I'll miss you.

haha, short but sweet.....

SuperNova

[Mr Ti]

A girl goes to the doctors complaining of green marks on her inner thighs.

The doctor asks,"Is your boyfriend a gypsy?"

The girl says, "Yes, Why do you ask?"

The doctor replies, "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold".