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Opinion Needed: Young Woman + Older Man = ???
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Dec 18, 2004, 11:08 PM
 
Hey Everyone:

I have an opinion to ask of you.

Someone I know, an acquaintance, has recently struck up a telephone conversation with a girl or young woman of the age of 17. He is 50 years old (about).

Is this a healthy relationship? On the outside of things I think not.

Would any of you approve of this relationship, condone it, or look away if this was one of your friends?

I am feeling very perplexed. I think that it is wrong of him to have this relationship because he is carrying this relationship on with this girl, who lives about 2000 miles away and has never met her, via the internet and telephone. Her parents do not know about it and the two of them are keeping it a secret. He has asked her to marry him when she turns 18 next June.

So, do I tell my friend that what he is doing is wrong...or is it okay in some way, shape, or fashion? What would any of you do if he was your friend? And what would any of you do if you were this young woman's father or mother?

Opinions, please?

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Dec 18, 2004, 11:10 PM
 
     
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Dec 18, 2004, 11:12 PM
 
Does it sound right? No. An 18 year old should not be married to anyone, especially to someone who is that much older than her. She should be out having fun, not planning her 401k retirement fund. I mean yes, there are circumstances in which this relationship might work, but some how, I doubt it. 2000 miles away and they want to keep it secret. Eh. Tell him I have a bad feeling about it.
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Dec 18, 2004, 11:12 PM
 
     
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Dec 18, 2004, 11:15 PM
 
no she is 17 and is probably more attracted to his maturity and age rather then his personality. but what do i know i'm only 18. ^_- More power to em.
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Dec 18, 2004, 11:16 PM
 
It's illegal in California.
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Dec 18, 2004, 11:16 PM
 
Does the woman know he's just in it for the sex?

I can't see what a 50 year old man would want in a young woman other than that.
     
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Dec 18, 2004, 11:19 PM
 
Sounds like they both have lots of issues.
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Dec 18, 2004, 11:22 PM
 
Originally posted by MrForgetable:
She should be out having fun, not planning her 401k retirement fund.
You should be planning your 401k when you're young.


As for 50/17 - it's great news if it's purely sexual. Strictly-internet relationships are just bizarre to me and I wouldn't think a marriage of that sort would last that long. I don't know your status with the 'acquaintance', but you may want to tell him what you think. Make it a joking matter, then get serious. Ask him how he did it and get an idea of his thought process behind it.

All I know is that if I were hitting 18 year old box when I was 50, I'd be telling everyone I knew. Not sure if I'd marry her, but trophy-wife status may be desirable to him.
     
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Dec 18, 2004, 11:30 PM
 
Well the rule of thumb where I come from is that youngest woman a guy can acceptably date is half his age plus 7 years. So being 34, the youngest woman I should date would be 24, and at 50, the woman this guy can acceptably date would be 32. But when I reach 50, I would bend this rule if the opportunity presented itself.
     
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Dec 18, 2004, 11:36 PM
 
it's not normal and surely drenched in questionable judgment, but i don't think it's your place to play vigilante and say anything about it.
     
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Dec 18, 2004, 11:39 PM
 
Originally posted by hayesk:
Does the woman know he's just in it for the sex?

I can't see what a 50 year old man would want in a young woman other than that.
Dunno, can the guy see she's just in it for money?

17 is too young and illegal in some places. I am all for dating younger girls and do it all the time. And the chicks my age have been known to date guys in their 40s. But we are legal adults by almost 10 years. The old guys the girls I know date are financially secure and the girls I date go to good colleges, have bright futures, and are unwilling to get pregnant. So we're not talking trailer trash types. He should aim just a little bit higher, 25-30 should do.

Who cares about healthy, if its legal and he has a prenup he should do it. He's the adult, he knows what's what. This case is only bad because she is still 17, if this question was posed to me six months from now I would approve it.

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Dec 18, 2004, 11:41 PM
 
Not knowing the parties involved or the situation, its hard to say with absolute 100% confidence that its wrong. However, I think it'd have to be pretty one-in-a-million type circumstances for it to be "right". At 17, living with her parents .. she is basically a child in a grown-ups body. I would assume that his interest in her is a sexual and ego thing. A 33 yr gap can work if both parties are really consenting adults (say 65/32) but I'd have a really hard time believing a 17yr old would qualify. If he thinks its "right", why is he in such a rush to wed rather than just openly date her for a while after she turns 18 ? Is he afraid that if she actually has a chance to spend time with a 50yr old that she'll quickly realize its not for her ?
     
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Dec 18, 2004, 11:44 PM
 
Originally posted by WhaMe:
Well the rule of thumb where I come from is that youngest woman a guy can acceptably date is half his age plus 7 years.
Wow !!! You come from Tibet ??
     
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Dec 18, 2004, 11:55 PM
 
Originally posted by Krusty:
Wow !!! You come from Tibet ??
nah, upstate NY, and i too was totally slamming 12 year olds when i was 10.
     
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Dec 19, 2004, 12:00 AM
 
Originally posted by rozwado1:
You should be planning your 401k when you're young.
Gives you time to rebound after the next Republican president loses it all.
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Dec 19, 2004, 12:39 AM
 
This may come as a shock to you young folks...but chicks dig older guys.

You can try to deny it if you want.

Old dudes like me have all the stuff that young guys won't have for several more decades. Houses, 'real' sports cars, fat banks of cash. And we have *lots* more experience with naked chicks than you do.

There's literally nothing you can do to stop us old folks. If we want your girl, she's as good as ours. The girls you get to date are the ones we let you keep.

For the clueless guy that asked "doesn't she know he's only in it for the sex?" I'd ask that guy what the hell is HE in it for. Gonna act like some 20 year old *isn't* in it for the sex. Good grief.

I'd say that an older man is looking for the same thing in a young woman that he is in any woman. Which is not to say only sex, btw.

Young women are pretty no matter how old you are.

My personal guideline is that a girl I date shouldn't be any younger than half my age (I'm 38) plus two years - else she won't be old enough to drink.

Suck it up, youngsters. All you can do is hope I don't want your girl.


     
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Dec 19, 2004, 12:47 AM
 
whats to say that this "17 year old girl" isn't a 50 year old man herself.
but i think outside of friendship, this type of relationship is not healthy, he has probably already experienced love and partnership, she is very new to this and doesnt realize the unhealthiness of this kind of reltaionship. I would say she is attracted to him as father figure but is manifesting it wrong (was she abused by as a child? did her father abandon her at a young age?), he is either a pervert ( i hope not) or he is in turn looking for a relationship with a child to pretend to be his own, but again, wrongly manifested. but thats my opinion and I got my psychiatry from the School of LoveLine with professors Adam Corrolla and Dr. Drew.
     
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Dec 19, 2004, 12:49 AM
 
Originally posted by Spliffdaddy:
This may come as a shock to you young folks...but chicks dig older guys.

...

Suck it up, youngsters. All you can do is hope I don't want your girl.


note to self, keep my sister away from Spliffdaddy.
     
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Dec 19, 2004, 01:05 AM
 
First, off, unless it's your daughter or husband, butt out. It's none of your business.

Secondly, it's a telephone relationship? People get lonely and want to talk to people. If it progressed to an intimate relationship, that's wrong. But friends? Puh-leeze.

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Dec 19, 2004, 01:41 AM
 
Originally posted by Cody Dawg:
Is this a healthy relationship?
well. this is insanely subjective.
     
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Dec 19, 2004, 01:43 AM
 
It could be healthier than wondering if someone else is in a healthy relationship?

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Dec 19, 2004, 01:50 AM
 
Originally posted by Spliffdaddy:

Old dudes like me have all the stuff that young guys won't have for several more decades. Houses, 'real' sports cars, fat banks of cash. And we have *lots* more experience with naked chicks than you do.
I think you are half right .. but for many wrong reasons. From my younger days up until now, I have had girlfriends and women friends (I'd almost say a majority from my personal experience) who think guys that are much older than them are incredibly weird and creepy ... especially the ones who go after women that are a lot younger than them. I've had many close friends in my 20's who'd been approached by older men with means and were completely grossed out by the idea of it. However, many women really do like confident men. So, I would guess your success with the younger gals probably stems more from the confidence you have in yourself from thinking women are digging you more because of your house, car, or cash, and "experience". chicks
     
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Dec 19, 2004, 01:54 AM
 
Originally posted by Randman:
It could be healthier than wondering if someone else is in a healthy relationship?
this post makes my brain hurt.
     
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Dec 19, 2004, 02:15 AM
 
It isn't "wrong" It is stupid, senseless, moronic, and misguided.

I don't think it has much to do with sex. 2000 miles pretty much destroys that feeling unless they're cybering. What I think is that this is a combination of falling for someone online and a desire for a relationship thats younger. Older men tend to feel more able to relate to younger women, even consider themselves closer physically. The big thing is the kind of relationship you get long distance. I've seen it happen so many times and even had an experience with it.

You should advise him that he should discontinue it. Too bad it got this far really. Being in a relationship with someone that immature is a bad idea at any time and with a gap this big it just gets worse.

He needs to know it isn't real, it isn't healthy for either of them, it isn't sane, and it won't work. Tough but true.
     
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Dec 19, 2004, 02:19 AM
 
Originally posted by Krusty:
I think you are half right .. but for many wrong reasons. From my younger days up until now, I have had girlfriends and women friends (I'd almost say a majority from my personal experience) who think guys that are much older than them are incredibly weird and creepy ... especially the ones who go after women that are a lot younger than them. I've had many close friends in my 20's who'd been approached by older men with means and were completely grossed out by the idea of it. However, many women really do like confident men. So, I would guess your success with the younger gals probably stems more from the confidence you have in yourself from thinking women are digging you more because of your house, car, or cash, and "experience". chicks
Well, I personally don't have any of those things....but I was talking about old folks in general.

*snif*

I have a pickup truck and a couple of dollars and my 'house' is merely a piece of land and some blueprints. But, by some miracle, I spend a lot of time with young pretty girls (all over 25-ish 'cause I ain't no pervert).

My girlfriend always comments that I'm too old for her to date. In between begging me to hit it, that is. lol. It's like she knows it's wrong to date an old dude, but she still can't get enough of me.

All chicks tell their young boyfriends the same thing about old guys..."eiw, he's old - I don't like old guys". Then those young hotties drop your ass off at home and come see me.
     
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Dec 19, 2004, 02:24 AM
 
Originally posted by Spliffdaddy:
Well, I personally don't have any of those things....but I was talking about old folks in general.

*snif*

I have a pickup truck and a couple of dollars and my 'house' is merely a piece of land and some blueprints. But, by some miracle, I spend a lot of time with young pretty girls (all over 25-ish 'cause I ain't no pervert).

My girlfriend always comments that I'm too old for her to date. In between begging me to hit it, that is. lol. It's like she knows it's wrong to date an old dude, but she still can't get enough of me.

All chicks tell their young boyfriends the same thing about old guys..."eiw, he's old - I don't like old guys". Then those young hotties drop your ass off at home and come see me.
Yeah, but this is an older (and I'm pushing the usage of that word here) and a GIRL. Not a woman. If this weren't long distance it would be illegal is most places.

Anyway, the large-age-gap relationships are usually different from the norm. Everything from what both parties are in it for and how serious it is.
     
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Dec 19, 2004, 02:29 AM
 
Originally posted by TheBadgerHunter:
If this weren't long distance it would be illegal is most places.
Sex is illegal if it's a minor. Planning to have sex witha minor and crossing a stateline is illegal. Talking or being friends with someone of the the opposite sex with an age difference is not ilegal.

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Dec 19, 2004, 03:01 AM
 
Originally posted by Spliffdaddy:
Well, I personally don't have any of those things....but I was talking about old folks in general.
Well, maybe your just a really cool guy ..... naahhhh, that can't be it.
     
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Dec 19, 2004, 05:49 AM
 
Okay, thanks for the replies.

For one thing, no, he is NOT wealthy. Not by a long stretch. For a second thing, he met her via telephone and internet and three days later wanted to marry her.

I really care about this person and the thing is, I care about his mental status also. He says he is "head over heels in love" with this girl whom he has never met.

To be honest, if he had told me he had met a woman -- of a more mature age -- and was "head over heels in love" I'd have been delighted for him. The three day thing still would have concerned me, but I'd have been happy for him.

They are discussing marriage and sex and eloping to Las Vegas and all sorts of things.

All I know is that I'm worried about him. What if her parents find out? What if they feel like calling the police? And, it occurred to me, what if she is a cop herself trying to entrap him? I doubt that due to circumstances I won't divulge.

I care about this person and I just don't want him getting hurt emotionally or legally.

Thanks for the opinions.

     
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Dec 19, 2004, 06:02 AM
 
age in relationships is totally overrated (as long as we are talking about 2 adults)

yeah i know, she's 17, big f*in deal. when will she be 18?

imho, if both are happy they should just go for it. the relationship will probably be over within the next two years, - she'll be dating some college guy named jim, and he'll have some strories to tell and (most likely) good sex to look back on.

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Dec 19, 2004, 06:16 AM
 
Originally posted by Spliffdaddy:This may come as a shock to you young folks...but chicks dig older guys.
You can try to deny it if you want.
Old dudes like me have all the stuff that young guys won't have for several more decades.
...
There's literally nothing you can do to stop us old folks. If we want your girl, she's as good as ours. The girls you get to date are the ones we let you keep.

... Suck it up, youngsters. All you can do is hope I don't want your girl.

AMEN Brother!

This is something you realize when you hit your early thirties. You can't believe the rush of power you get from knowing for a fact that you can take her from her little boyfriend. Even if you never got laid in high school, even if you were never a 'hot guy' - you can nail her. Power and experience trumps looks any day.

You have the ability to say "While he is sitting on the couch playing video games and talking about how cool his car is, I can take you to Mazatlan for the weekend and I can do all those things you never even knew you wanted", and you can back it up because it's true.



It's biological. Women need a stable guy who can take care of them while they are raising their kids, and are attracted to that. Older guys are better able to do that financially, mentally and emotionally. Women are most likely to marry a guy like their dad. On the other hand they are also driven to have kids by the most active and fit male and to add genetic diversity to their offspring, so they cheat with the exchange student pool boy.

The drawback is that girls under 25 are kind of boring and even seem like children. (same with guys which is why you get no respect at work) it takes a year or two after college to make you interesting. - unless you're hot.
     
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Dec 19, 2004, 06:20 AM
 
He sounds lonely, made a connection with someone and developed a crush. For now, let it go at that and don't be such a yenta.

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Dec 19, 2004, 06:59 AM
 
Originally posted by Cody Dawg:
Would any of you approve of this relationship, condone it, or look away if this was one of your friends?
I don't have friends like that.

The guy is a creep (IMHO).
     
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Dec 19, 2004, 07:01 AM
 
Thank you for that insightful opinion, Dr Phil.

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Dec 19, 2004, 07:20 AM
 
Well, it's kind of fuzzy to me.

See, if she was 18 then all of us would just say, "Well, it's her life," right?

But, because she's not, it's a gray area.

By the way, I'm not posting this information to gather opinions to make a final value judgement. I'm just curious what the sentiment is regarding these things. I have no experience with this sort of thing.

Again, he's a nice guy, lonely, good guy. This came out of the blue. Yes, I do think he's a bit mental, but not in a bad way. He's a good guy -- or has been.
     
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Dec 19, 2004, 07:36 AM
 
Originally posted by Cody Dawg:
See, if she was 18 then all of us would just say, "Well, it's her life," right?

But, because she's not, it's a gray area.
why, because she's 17? LOL. what if she turns 18 tomorrow?

then it would be something compleeeeeetly different...

i think they need each other. she, to get away from her family (and probably boring-ass middle class upbringing) and he, to add a little 'spice' to his life.

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Dec 19, 2004, 08:58 AM
 
So what if she's 17?

Well, we were out at a Christmas party last night, sat down to have a bite to eat, and a good friend who is an attorney was there. He is a former prosecutor. We were talking about it. He said that he regularly prosecuted cases where there was an older man and a girl who was underaged. The parents usually brought the charges. He said that if the girl is not 18 then the parents have a right to bring charges for statutory rape among other things. It kind of freaked me out. He was very matter-of-fact.

Anyway, that's when I came home and posted this.

And, one thing that was mentioned is that though this seems to be a mutual relationship, who knows who else knows about it? Maybe her parents? Maybe her friends who tell their parents? Maybe another adult? I mean, who knows?

I wonder where MacNStein is. I'd like to hear his take on this.

     
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Dec 19, 2004, 09:01 AM
 
You can't prosecute for just talking with someone. If so, some people here would get the chair.

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Dec 19, 2004, 09:02 AM
 
Sorry for the double post, but it may not even be a realy 17-year-old girl on the other side.
Maybe it's tavi or zimph or rob/cash.

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Dec 19, 2004, 09:03 AM
 
My dad is 41, girlfriend is 26. Has the 50 year old recently separated?
     
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Dec 19, 2004, 09:08 AM
 
No Idea. I dont know enough about this to know what's really going on. I can give you gut reactions, but you've heard enough already. Besides, there's really two main gut reactions that I can give. A positive gut reaction, and a negative one. They've all been posted. In other words

+1 (And I did this without using triple dots!)

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Dec 19, 2004, 09:11 AM
 
50 and 17?? No.

50 and 21, OK.
     
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Dec 19, 2004, 09:14 AM
 
Originally posted by Cody Dawg:
He said that if the girl is not 18 then the parents have a right to bring charges for statutory rape among other things. It kind of freaked me out. He was very matter-of-fact.
they need to be f*cking to have any kind off law apply and from what i gather i don't think they'll be doing anything of the sort until they get married as soon as the chick is 18.

you'd think that between all the holiday spirit you'd be pretty busy worrying about that.

ever thought about a part-time job cody? might be a nice way to butt out of peoples lives and feel like you're accomplishing something. hell, you could be one of those "greeters" at Wal Mart. they're pretty useless but get to know people too.
     
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Dec 19, 2004, 09:20 AM
 
Originally posted by Cody Dawg:
He said that he regularly prosecuted cases where there was an older man and a girl who was underaged. The parents usually brought the charges.
oh, okay. if that's the concern, just tell him to wait 'till she's 18.

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Dec 19, 2004, 09:43 AM
 
Originally posted by rozwado1:
You should be planning your 401k when you're young.


As for 50/17 - it's great news if it's purely sexual. Strictly-internet relationships are just bizarre to me and I wouldn't think a marriage of that sort would last that long. I don't know your status with the 'acquaintance', but you may want to tell him what you think. Make it a joking matter, then get serious. Ask him how he did it and get an idea of his thought process behind it.

All I know is that if I were hitting 18 year old box when I was 50, I'd be telling everyone I knew. Not sure if I'd marry her, but trophy-wife status may be desirable to him.
18 year old guy and a 30 year old woman is a great match, sexually, they both are at there peek
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Dec 19, 2004, 09:46 AM
 
their peak

</pet peeve>
     
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Dec 19, 2004, 10:04 AM
 
Oh, now this is a funny thread. We've got a spelling Nazi on the loose.

My "pet peeve" is someone who says, "My pet peeve is..."



About a part-time job, I don't need one. Maybe YOU should get a part-time job...as a spellchecker. Seems like that's why you're here. Oh, and to use foul language during the "holiday spirit" as you said.

     
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Far above Cayuga's waters.
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Dec 19, 2004, 10:11 AM
 
noted.

and i have a full time and a part time job. but i don't feel the need to meddle in other people's affairs obsessively. coincidence?

and a friend of mine has a dog named "peeve". thought that one was pretty clever.
     
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Chicago, IL
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Dec 19, 2004, 11:12 AM
 
Originally posted by Cody Dawg:
So what if she's 17?

Well, we were out at a Christmas party last night, sat down to have a bite to eat, and a good friend who is an attorney was there. He is a former prosecutor. We were talking about it. He said that he regularly prosecuted cases where there was an older man and a girl who was underaged. The parents usually brought the charges. He said that if the girl is not 18 then the parents have a right to bring charges for statutory rape among other things. It kind of freaked me out. He was very matter-of-fact.
In most states, the age of consent is 16.

http://www.avert.org/aofconsent.htm
     
 
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