[Hash]

So we lived, my wife and I, in peace (or relative peace cause in marriage everything happens) for few years and suddenly she became very cold and I could feel the growing distance between us.. she would not talk much, keep everything secret.. I found by coincidence that suddenly her high school boyfriend had found her phone.. since then she kept talking to him in my absence, exchanging mails, photos, receiving gifts..the thing is really escalating.. the guy lives far from our home.. so it all is kind of virtual.. but it really bothers me more and more and yet there is nothing i can do,, anytime i try to talk about that she says its just not serious..just some fun memories.. but i can feel its not just that, quite serious.. thats damn sad

[nredman]

sorry to hear about your situation. trust is the most important thing in a relationship. if you can't trust your wife then you need to do something about it, talk to her, seek professional help. if your wife can't understand that her talking to her ex bothers you then she needs to be more understanding. but at the same time if nothing is going on then it's really a trust issue with you and not her. but fromn the way it sounds it doesnt sound all that innocent, ask her if you three can hang out sometime...if she says no then i'd be wondering wtf....good luck. remember without trust the relationship will hurt more then its worth. imho

[Hash]

thanks, nredman

since the day i learned about the thing i cannot sleep normally, work normally or eat normally.. cause I found that she was lying - a lot..it was not all that innocent.. I really cannot trust her anymore

Every time she says something now, I am wondering if she is lying or not.. even for simple things like about movies or music.. i mean the guy talks with her about his favorite movies, sends her his DVDs, talks hours about his favorite basketball stars, literally hours, and she likes it.. while she would not hear a word from me about family matters, our kids. Yet the guy himself is married, I am really wondering what he is up to.. And how I am supposed to react? There is nothing physical, but believe me, the virtual one seems to be quite painful too..

[historylme]

wow, Good luck.

Does his wife know? uhm, I'm sure she must if they are talking on the phone for hours.

Eitherway, good luck. It's a terrrible position to be in.

[Spliff]

You both need to see a marriage counsellor, separate sessions for each of you.

[d4nth3m4n]

i've got a gun and shovel if you need to borrow them.

and by gun and shovel i mean greyhound ticket.

[Millennium]

I'm sorry to hear about this, Hash. I wish I didn't understand how you feel, but I do. Broken trust is often a death sentence for relationships, and while you're not at that stage yet the situation is definitely worrisome. You're scared, and it's OK to be scared, but you can't let it paralyze you. The only way to find peace of mind is to not stop moving.

You've done the right thing by attempting to talk to her, but you need to keep at it. You should seek professional help as a couple, of course, but talking about this beforehand can help clear things up, and at the very least it should help you regain some measure of peace of mind.

I'm going to make a few suggestions now, and some of them might sound like I'm blaming you for things: believe me, I'm not. Everything I'm suggesting here is aimed specifically at getting her to open up even a little bit, and providing some insight as to what she is thinking. This approach may sound cold, even ruthless, but there has been enough of a breakdown here that this may be warranted.

The most important thing I could suggest is this: don't mention the ex-boyfriend right off the bat, if you mention him at all. Instead, first talk about how you've recently been feeling a strange distance between the two of you, and that it's really hurting you (note that both of these things are not only completely true, but completely honest; the ex-boyfriend issue is really just a part of something much greater). Ask if there's something you could do to help; this is important, because it solicits input from her and can help you get a gauge on what she is thinking. You've done nothing wrong as far as I know, but she seems to believe otherwise, and whether or not her arguments are valid they can give valuable insight as to what's going on in her head.

Several other suggestions:

1) Do not take "everything's fine" for an answer. Everything in a relationship is only "fine" if both people agree that it is.

2) Be prepared: she may have a list of complaints about you, and if she does then it will probably hurt. Think about them very carefully. It is unlikely that all of them will be valid, but it's equally unlikely that none of them will be. You have done nothing wrong as far as I'm aware or concerned, and I'm certain that you have not had any ill intent, but it is shocking how small things can cause great pain.

3) Only mention the ex-boyfriend if she asks for a specific case of something that's causing you to feel distance, and even then don't mention him first. It sounds as though you have plenty of other reasons to feel distant; use them instead. It doesn't matter how you try to phrase anything dealing with the ex-boyfriend; it will sound accusatory, and this will probably cause her to clam up if you aren't careful.

4) Be completely honest about your feelings. This doesn't mean you have to be brutal about it -in fact, I suggest you not be brutal- but you do need to lay all your cards on the table. If you think something will hurt her to hear, then apologize in advance before saying it if you want, but make it clear that it needs to be said. "I'm sorry, because I think this might hurt to hear, but I have to be completely honest" will suffice if you can't think of any other way to put it.

4a) As an extension to 4: let her know that you're scared. I know that this is not something men like to admit -I'm a man myself, after all- but it will mean a lot. Trust me on this.

5) If major decisions have to be made, do not rush them. Give yourselves at least three days to think it over, and more time is better. As a corollary, do not accept any important decisions made within whatever time limit you decide to set, unless some sort of emergency arises. Make this clear to her as well; some decisions should not be made quickly.

5a) If, God forbid, it turns out that she is cheating, then you are completely justified should you choose to leave. However, that is not your only option; there are other equally-valid choices, so don't let anyone influence or criticize you. You may even decide to forgive her, if you believe that this is the best course of action. In any case, the decision must be made by you only and for you only. Whatever your choice, this is easily the most major of major decisions, and so in keeping with my last piece of advice, do not rush it. As far as your relationship is concerned, it is a life or death decision. Treat it as such.

6) I've saved this for last, but it is by far the most important: do nothing in anger. Let any other emotions (positive or negative) flow freely, but keep a tight rein on this one. It is not wrong to feel anger -if you do, say so; this is part of being completely honest- but do not let it get the better of you under any circumstances. People are not themselves when they're angry, and they tend to do things they later regret.

That's all the advice I can give you, as someone who has been there. I can't give you a complete script or anything, because in the end this has to all come from you; it cannot be faked. All I can do is try and point out some pitfalls. I hope everything works out.

[Millennium]

Originally posted by d4nth3m4n:
i've got a gun and shovel if you need to borrow them.

and by gun and shovel i mean greyhound ticket.

OK, one last piece of advice here, given Dan's post: if you decide that this is the path to take, then take it and don't look back. I don't think it would be wise to do this without talking things over first, but it is an option.

I'll be blunt: from an outsider's standpoint, your instincts are probably correct. They might not be, which is why it's important to talk it out, but my hopes are not high: you're right that this is probably "quite serious", as you put it. Whatever is going on, infidelity or otherwise, it needs to be brought out into the open; there shouldn't be any more secrets. Then you can decide what to do next with a (mostly) clear mind, and that is the most important thing of all.

[SamuraiDL]

alls i can say is that any ANY and every EVERY woman is capable of treating her man like **** for five 5 days before they get their period. nuff said...

[subego]

Originally posted by Hash:
yet there is nothing i can do,, anytime i try to talk about that she says its just not serious..just some fun memories.. but i can feel its not just that, quite serious.. thats damn sad

Very few people admit that a big part of being faithful to your mate is staying away from tempting situations in the first place. Regardless of whether she's actually cheating, she's putting herself at constant risk of doing something she "just couldn't help".

[Millennium]

Originally posted by SamuraiDL:
alls i can say is that any ANY and every EVERY woman is capable of treating her man like **** for five 5 days before they get their period. nuff said...

True; very true. At the same time, it sounds like this has been going on for a lot longer than five days. Also, while every woman is capable of it, the good ones will at least try not to, and will apologize when they do.

Dammit; I missed Hash's second post somehow. My last piece of advice -really, this time- is one that I can't draw from experience, but is a common enough pitfall that I'm not sure it's necessary here: when you talk with her about this, do it when the kids are not around. If your wife doesn't work or has a day off, take a day off yourself and do it while the kids are at school. If that isn't practical, then go out to an early dinner and hire a babysitter. This undermines the ability of either side to use the kids as pawns, and it lets you talk about things that you might not otherwise discuss out of not wanting the kids to hear.

[Millennium]

Originally posted by subego:
Very few people admit that a big part of being faithful to your mate is staying away from tempting situations in the first place. Regardless of whether she's actually cheating, she's putting herself at constant risk of doing something she "just couldn't help".

That's a good point, but it has religious overtones which may not apply in this case. I think it's wise even aside from the whole religion thing, but not all couples feel bound by it, and that's their prerogative.

But in any case, whether or not she's actually cheating she's doing something which is hurting you. That can't be allowed to continue as it currently stands. It would be a bad idea to insist that she cut off all contact with this guy if she insists she isn't cheating, but in that case something has to happen so that it won't be so painful to you anymore. Some people here have suggested meeting the guy and his family, and if she still insists that she's not cheating then this is certainly worth a try. Perhaps it will allay your fears. If it turns out she's cheating, though, then I would not recommend doing this; it could turn very ugly very quickly.

I still think, however, that the single most important thing is to reopen the lines of communication. Without communication there can be no intimacy, and a lack of intimacy is the most effective marriage-killer there is.

[SamuraiDL]

man, Im sorry but there is no excuse for that ****. Let her make a decision, put it all on her. Remember you have done nothing wrong.

[Millennium]

Originally posted by SamuraiDL:
man, Im sorry but there is no excuse for that ****. Let her make a decision, put it all on her. Remember you have done nothing wrong.

Samurai is right about there being no excuse, but I would warn strongly against issuing an ultimatum. I said that lack of intimacy was the most effective marriage-killer there is, but ultimata are probably second. It conveys a lack of respect on the giver's part which may not be as profound as the lack of respect on the receiver's part, but it is just as real and it will not go unnoticed. You have done nothing wrong up to this point, Hash, but you will be doing something wrong if you go this far.

If you feel you have to do this, and that there is no other way to deal with the situation, then do it, but if it comes to this then the marriage is already dead. If she actually accepts, then count it as nothing less than a miracle, because that is what it will be.

[subego]

Originally posted by Millennium:
That's a good point, but it has religious overtones which may not apply in this case. I think it's wise even aside from the whole religion thing, but not all couples feel bound by it, and that's their prerogative.

No religious overtones intended. In fact, no binding intended either. I originally phrased it as "desiring to stay away from tempting situations", but that sounded clunky.

I'd say the "desiring" part is exactly why it isn't mentioned more often. In a properly functioning relationship this happens naturally... no god necessary.

[the_glassman]

PIIDB!

[budster101]

Start looking up some old flames...


Make it obvious.

[waxcrash]

http://www.cheaters.com/

[DeathMan]

Originally posted by waxcrash:
http://www.cheaters.com/

The guy's pants are so obviously photoshopped

[Albert Pujols]

Originally posted by DeathMan:
The guy's pants are so obviously photoshopped

[Goldfinger]

Beat the **** out of the guy.

or...

**** his wife

[Xeo]

Originally posted by Goldfinger:
Beat the **** out of the guy.

or...

**** his wife

It's not up to him to get angry at the other guy.

[thunderous_funker]

Some good advice in this thread for the most part. I just wanted to add that the other guy is most likely the symptom and not the actual problem.

She sounds unhappy about something and her relationship to this guy is probably an attempt to make herself forget or compensate for some other dissatisfaction in her life.

And whatever is going on with your wife to make her unhappy may or may not be something to do with you. It could be dissatisfaction with her job or even routine dissatisfaction with herself. Most people flirt to feel better about themselves.

In such a situation, you coming across as heavy, jealous, hateful or angry might actually contribute more to her unhappiness and cause her to seek distraction or compensation in unhealthy ways (like flirting with this guy).

Don't assume its about you. It may not be. It might just be about her and how she's feeling about herself and her life in general and not you specifically.

Communication is key. Just try to make your communication as loving, supportive and understanding as possible.

[Captain Obvious]

Yeah something went bad long before she was responsive to his actions.
Since you can't be objective about the relationship it is impossible to tell what it was. So go hire a counselor or an attorney. Either one will be able to resolve the situation.

[historylme]

Millennium has the best advice, follow his first post.

But then, the ball is in your court. You will do what you will do in the end.

[Millennium]

Originally posted by thunderous_funker:
Some good advice in this thread for the most part. I just wanted to add that the other guy is most likely the symptom and not the actual problem.

I'm not sure I'd say it's "most likely", but certainly this is not a stage where he should be treated as such. That's why I said not to bring him up right away.

And whatever is going on with your wife to make her unhappy may or may not be something to do with you. It could be dissatisfaction with her job or even routine dissatisfaction with herself. Most people flirt to feel better about themselves.

This is true; it may not be him. But whether or not it's him, he needs to know what it is. He can't help with situations that he doesn't know exist.

Communication is key. Just try to make your communication as loving, supportive and understanding as possible.

I almost agree, but keep in mind that he has needs and feelings too, and they need to be known. He's hurting and she's hurting, but they can heal each other if they'll allow themselves to do so. But to do that, they have to both know everything that's going on with, themselves and with each other.

[thunderous_funker]

You may be right, millenium.

Of course, it might also be the case that she doesn't even know why this illicit friendship/flirtation makes her feel good and what drives her to seek it out. It would be wise to keep that in mind in trying to talk about it.

Professional assistance might be the best course of action. It can be hard to be honest with ourselves, especially when we are working from a position of anger, resentment or emotional injury. A secular or religious counsellor can often defuse the emotional elements well enough for everyone to think and act clearly and facilitate good communication.

Best wishes, Hash. Honestly. Everyone deserves happiness and I hope you guys find it again.

[sugar_coated]

Take her to Aruba and fertilize her egg.

[f1000]

Originally posted by Millennium:
That's a good point, but it has religious overtones which may not apply in this case. I think it's wise even aside from the whole religion thing, but not all couples feel bound by it, and that's their prerogative.

Sorry Millennium, but I don't see any religious overtones at all.

I'd also like to add that we should be cautious in taking Hash's account at face value. For all we know, he could be beating her every night with a rattan cane. Maybe Hash sits at home and watches porn all day, or is constantly disparaging his in-laws (no offense Hash, I'm just making an example).

I agree with Spliff that objective counseling is probably the best course of action at this point. I also suggest that some diagnostic psychological testing might be in order. Maybe his wife's secretive behavior is a sign of some mental disease. Maybe HE'S the one going mental.

[SamuraiDL]

yeah i dont suggest having another kid as a way of furthering the marriage.

[ASIMO]

Viagra may help.

[Hash]

Thanks guys for all advises and recommendations, especially those of Millenium, thunderous funker, nredman, Captain Obvious and others. I am somewhat relieved that I obviously did not deviate much from those recommendations - i tried to be understanding (OK, high school love is a sweetest memory on Earth, perhaps, I agree) and also look at myself - where I was wrong, did I treat her or her in-laws fair enough- and also tried not to force any decisions on myself or her and she asked for some time to think.

Instead, I began to do some home renovation work, something she long ago asked me to do, and try just keep being kind to her. I know she also was stressed for long time because of some her business or career difficulties and that stress as I understand now kept mounting inside her - she usually does not talk much about her job, but she had problems obviously.

She is kind of strong person - one that usually does not need or ask for help- and I was just assuming she is OK. One positive side of the thing - if there can be such side at all- is that now I try very hard to understand her and her feelings rather than just assumue that she is doing OK.

No, I never beat her or her parents, but sometimes maybe I was too harsh, as I realize now.

Well, such shocks really make you think about your life and judge it again - from a bystander's point of view. It is amazing how things look different from not the usual husband's point of view but from different angles.

I had a talk with her, when she told me some truth about her growing relationship and her desire to solve it on her own and I respect her decision. I know I do not have much time but maybe in 2 months I will be able to reverse mistakes of past years, only God knows. Thanks for your support, guys.

[waxcrash]

Originally posted by Hash:
No, I never beat her or her parents, but sometimes maybe I was too harsh, as I realize now.

Care to expand on this?

[Hash]

Originally posted by waxcrash:
Care to expand on this?

Well, I think I have good relations with her father (her mother died few years ago), but she has a brother, a very unfortunate guy, one who really made their life (in-laws') hell with his constant business losses, always asking for financial help, causing trouble with his marriages and divorces (he had divorced twice), childish behavior, but she loves her brother and tries always to help, while I just think that he is a lost cause, one who really drugged them down. I could not befriend him or help him much, and as I think now, maybe I had to understand her family troubles and try to help that guy too - thats what I mean by being too harsh.

[MacMan4000]

I agree with the "gun and shovel" post. But by "gun and shovel" I dont mean greyhound bus ticket. I mean Tec 9 and a ****in' shovel!

[Disgruntled Head of C-3PO]

Originally posted by Goldfinger:
Beat the **** out of the guy.

It is not the guys fault, it is all her fault and you need to talk to her about it ASAP.

[QuadG5Man]

Women. Can't live with 'em.............

Hash,

I hope you don't find this message harsh, but here's my honest 2 cents:

Prepare for the worst. If she goes out to see this other guy you're screwed. It seems you are a loving husband. If her feelings don't match yours anymore it's a real shame, especially considering the children.

Women can be very secretive as they "weigh their options" when it comes to relationships, and this stuff about her high school sweet-heart sounds downright awful, you're her husband for crying out loud. Long talks with another man are not ever good. Her slow process of realization (or "soul searching") could just be her way of 'softening the blow' when she leaves you for him, which makes it easier on her.

Let's break it down:

Women need two things in a man: 1) Sexual attraction 2) Security

and they don't leave the man they're with until they are sure another man will offer those two things (one or both in a way that more suits her fancy than the previous mate), and then in a flash she's gone. I hope this is not the case with your wife, but it sounds like she's "feeling out" leaving you for her married high school sweetheart. But will he leave his wife for yours? Your wife may want to know the answer to that. Maybe that's what she's trying to 'figure out' during those talks. I sure as hell hope not.

If it does work out in an ugly fashion, I hope you look at it as an oppurtunity to get on with the start of the rest of your life. That is, after you pick your broken heart up off the floor and stuff it back in that gaping hole in your chest where she ripped it out. Try to put the kids first and keep on 'truckin. Best of luck.

[Hash]

QuadG5Man,

I think that the guy is ready to leave his family for her, and I think they are (or were at least) planning a meeting somewhere in April, as she told me. I am almost sure that I am screwed, so the only thing left for me is to do my best possible for her while she is still my wife and then at least I will have no remorses that I could do better. We also discussed in a peaceful manner a possible break-up and even what to do with our kids, assets, car loan etc, though she still had not made her final decision. I guess its the way the life goes - reversal of fortune? Suddenly, you have no family, no kids, nothing left to care for. Makes me think about meaning of life, something I always tried not to think about or to pretend that I knew it. I still pray for her to stay, but I know that the other guy prays for her to leave me. Sounds awful, really..

[Hash]

Originally posted by thunderous_funker:
You may be right, millenium.

Of course, it might also be the case that she doesn't even know why this illicit friendship/flirtation makes her feel good and what drives her to seek it out. It would be wise to keep that in mind in trying to talk about it.

Professional assistance might be the best course of action. It can be hard to be honest with ourselves, especially when we are working from a position of anger, resentment or emotional injury. A secular or religious counsellor can often defuse the emotional elements well enough for everyone to think and act clearly and facilitate good communication.

Best wishes, Hash. Honestly. Everyone deserves happiness and I hope you guys find it again.

Thank you. I am trying to get rid of anger and resentment, and still try to think about her as a rather victim of my own negligence, just as you all wrote here. I guess ultimately its best for all concerned parties, though I am not sure about kids. Guess, they will hate us both.

[Hawkeye_a]

Makes you(me) wonder.... if and when i do tie the knot.... how would i react if my wife kept a 'friendship' going with guys she had been with.

hmmm....

[Millennium]

Let me get this straight, then. From what you say, it sounds like she wasn't actually cheating yet, but she was going to if nothing changed (either that, or she was cheating and you've chosen to forgive her). I don't need to know the whole story if you don't want to tell me. Regardless, she needs time to think about this, and whether she feels that this current marriage is worth continuing.

Well, I suppose I can't say you've dodged a bullet, per se, but the wounds are less severe than they could have been. If I understand the situation, then you seem to be handling things pretty well. You understand the seriousness of the situation, and you seem to have a pretty good idea of where you stand. I'm a little concerned that you seem to be painting yourself as the sole bad guy; you may have made some mistakes, but you do not have a monopoly on being wrong here.

In this case, I have one final piece of advice: you are on the right track by trying to rekindle kindness between you, but also take some time to try and rekindle the romance between you. When was the last time the two of you went out to dinner, or went to see a movie, just as the two of you? Or if you can afford it (financially and temporally), ask her if she'd be interested in taking ballroom or swing dance lessons together. Even fencing lessons can be surprisingly therapeutic; nothing works out anger like stabbing each other with sharp pointy things when there's no possibility of serious injury The point is to do stuff together, and it almost doesn't matter what it is, as long as it's something you both enjoy. I don't know the situation with your kids or anything, but even dinner and a movie once in a while can go a long way.

I agree with the others that some form of counseling is definitely needed, either as a couple or separately. The advice I gave was only meant to be a first step, something that could happen faster than counseling could (setting up these kinds of appointments takes time, after all). Even if you don't decide to get counseling as a couple, each of you could use a few sessions on your own, not so much about the marriage as dealing with the stresses in your lives. This is especially true for her, though that's not something I would say to her.

[Big Mac]

I wonder what kind of rationale she is giving for wanting to see this guy. Is she really prepared to give up everything to be with him? It sounds like the situation truly is screwed, and that is horribly unfortunate. I know I would simply not be able to forgive such a transgression. I guess I would have to echo the marriage counseling suggestion, but then again, I have heard that marriage counseling usually ends in divorce. :shrug: Best of luck, Hash.

[f1000]

Millennium's right; you're being too hard on yourself. It's more likely than not that both of you are partly to blame for your current situation, so don't let your wife put a guilt trip on you. You have a right to be angry; your wife lied to you. That's a black mark against her in my book.

Still, if you want to save your marriage, I'd avoid bitter recriminations and instead concentrate on getting this "friend" out of the picture. In my opinion, he's a cad who has no intention of leaving his wife for yours. I'm of the opinion that you should bring his wife up to date on the matter.

[f1000]

One more thing, Hash. Your wife hasn't been too good at keeping her ex-beau a secret from you. It's as if she WANTS you to know about him and his attention.

[Moderator]

Sounds like she does believe she's having innocent fun...a little excitement....without acknowledging that as it continues..an emotional attachment will likely develop.

Any one of us could fall for another person while we are in relationships....respect and love for the person we are will ought to prevent us from engaging in situations that might take us down that road....even if the excitement surrounding it is benign at first. That's how affairs begin.

I'm also betting your instincts are correct...if a bit exaggerated due to paranoia (understandable). Try to stick with logic and reason as much as possible. If something appears to be a certain way..it usually is...but hold back from extrapolating.

You're not alone...this will be happening more and more to all of us...its just so easy to find people these days and IM and email make flirting soooo easy.

Tough call man....I wish there was a protocal for this type of cheating but its too new. I also wish some kind of guy code would prevent all of us from doing this **** to other men's husbands...cause its gonna come around.

If you have no kids, and its just you an her, then you can afford to be aggressive.

I'd consider:

a) talking to the dude man to man
b) talking to the dude's wife...being very cool not jumping to conclusions
c) walking
or
d) accepting that this is life in the internet age, setting joint expectations regarding behavior, and adhering to them..and if that means you can do the same thing then do it or you'll be bitter.

One more thing: You cannot forbid her from doing this. If she wants to do it..she'll find a way...it'll just be when you're not looking. So forget that.

[Moderator]

Shoot...just read the post about her going to see him. Sounds bad. It is odd that she would tell you this.

Either she wants you to know because she's basically saying she doesn't want to be in the marraige anymore..in which case its over.

Or she wants you to rise to the occasion and defend the marraige..in which case she's f*cked up playing games and it ought to be over..you really don't need that.

This is not your fault..it sounds like she's carrying some real baggage that has nothing to do with you. In the end I'm sure she'll regret what she's done and ask you to take her back...I wouldn't if I were you.

--------------------

This is sad but..its time to start protecting yourself and your kids.

I'd start secretly saving her iChat transcripts and emails etc. and start bulding a body of evidence that can give you some leverage in case of divorce.

She can do what she wants with herself...but if she is unstable you can't predict how she'll act during a divorce...you could wind up really f*cked....cover your bases now..while you can.

[Hash]

Originally posted by f1000:
One more thing, Hash. Your wife hasn't been too good at keeping her ex-beau a secret from you. It's as if she WANTS you to know about him and his attention.

yeah, that puzzles me too.. she said also that she was feeling lonely last few years and that she tried to communicate with me..somehow I did not understand well her message and kept ignoring those signals.. Thats why I feel terribly sorry cause I know thats it is me really to blame - now I see as clear as never before.. but I wonder where I was before and what I was thinking about.. i am trying to fix things broken and as Millenium said recreate those emotions - not only trust - going together for a dinner and she did not say no. The problem is that my wife as a human person is really trustworthy one - usually- and never ever betrayed me before and generally she is a exceptionally good spouse, if you understand what i mean - very hardworking, caring for children, doing everything for home - and she always was so.

Thats why I am terribly sorry that my lack of care made even such a woman to look for help outside our marriage. I do not know what will happen, but I wish her good luck anyway, she s been wonderful wife (except for those last episodes) and I do not have any regrets ever for marrying her. I told her about that and that I am very grateful for all those wonderful years together. You know I never considered mysefl to be a particularly bad guy, but I see -in flashes- all those episodes when I really could care more for her, help her more, maybe even to that poor guy, her brother, and yet I was too cold and too arrogant. Her brother was broken by his first marriage - it was nightmare- and I somehow had no feelings of sympathy toward him. He lost his kid, wife, money, job, he did all that for his wife who later left him- and yet I had no sympathy for him, no mercy at that time. Funny, that now I am in a same boat, basically, and now I understand the poor guy and my wife, who tried to help him, much much better. And when I recall how I treated him, I feel really sorry. Maybe it was those things which made my wife to feel lonely - it was, I guess, hard for her to support her brother financially alone, yet she had to.

[Cody Dawg]

Sorry about the situation.

Just invite him over for dinner.

I kept in touch with an old boyfriend for many years. I was sure my husband was probably not happy about it, but I wanted him to understand that it was 100% platonic. So, I invited him out to dinner.

All three of us went.

The two of them ended up liking each other, actually. Now my husband doesn't give one whit whether we chat or write.

I hope it works out for you.

[Millennium]

Originally posted by Big Mac:
I wonder what kind of rationale she is giving for wanting to see this guy.

It sounds fairly cut and dried to me. I had been under the assumption that this ex-boyfriend lived nearby, but it seems I was mistaken about this. It sounds as though she had not been cheating yet, but was going to cheat -if not outright leave- at this meeting, when it was going to take place. I would advise against having the meeting now, particularly if she decides to stay with you or hasn't had her mind yet.

This man has had an unknown amount of time -probably several months at least- to plead his case to her. You deserve that same opportunity if you want it, and it sounds like you do. A meeting would only disrupt that.

Is she really prepared to give up everything to be with him?

It doesn't seem that way, given that she did say she needed time to think. She is probably leaning in that direction, but she has reservations, and they're probably not trivial ones.

This said, I do worry. Internet romances, even ones with a past physical basis, rarely work out. Your wife may believe that this guy is ready to leave his family, but I wouldn't be so certain. Leaving one's family is a hard decision, and it's very rare that both sides arrive at it simultaneously.

I think it's worth noting, Hash, that you aren't alone. Many couples go through exactly this sort of thing, and the Internet has become a catalyst for it more and more in recent years.

It sounds like the situation truly is screwed, and that is horribly unfortunate. I know I would simply not be able to forgive such a transgression.

Forgiveness is a hard path, and a painful one, and sometimes it doesn't succeed. That said, it does have its own set of rewards for those who follow it. It's not really anyone's place -not mine, either- to applaud or criticize his choice.

I won't pretend that his odds are good; they're not. But they aren't zero either. In the end, she was honest with him, and she is giving this time to think it over. That isn't meaningless. This relationship is sick, but it is not dead yet.

[waxcrash]

Even if you weren't 'there for her' doesn't justify that she is 'looking' elsewhere behind your back. Any decent person in a marriage would be honest and ask for a separation or divorce before 'looking' elsewhere, which your wife has not.

Don't blame yourself.