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jebjeb · Mar 29, 2005, 08:31 AM

Well, we have had some bad luck. My wife had a miscarriage late last week. It was fairly early (about 13 weeks) into the pregnancy but still not a fun thing.

We are both doing pretty well and my wife is healthy which is the main thing. We keep going back to the fact that when we first found out we were pregnant that we were just happy to know everything was working as we had been trying for nearly a year.

Oh well, guess we just start trying again in a few months!

Reading about it, it is quite amazing how common it is. Supposedly 1 in 3 pregnancies results in a miscarriage but that includes a lot of occasions when the woman had not yet known she was pregnant. For "known" pregnancies it is about 1 in 6.

It seems to be a topic that people don't really discuss. Initially, we thought we would not tell people we were pregnant until after the first trimester but then thought that people would either work it out or they already knew we were trying for a family. As people knew that we were pregnant, I have told quite a few that we have lost it. It is surprising how many have said that they have gone through the same thing or how a family member or close friend has been through it.

I like to think that we are dealing with it quite well. We are talking about it together a fair bit and are just getting on with things. I suppose a slight consolation is that we can try again and, fingers crossed, everything will be fine with the next pregnancy.

bells0 · Mar 29, 2005, 08:37 AM

Very sorry to hear, hope you and your wife get through it ok, sure you will.

Mithras · Mar 29, 2005, 08:40 AM

Oh, I'm really sorry jebjeb. Yes, it's the "unspoken but common" tragedy.
I'm glad you're keeping upbeat about it, but I know how it can take an emotional toll, even many months later. Just stay in communication with your wife about it, which it sounds like you're doing.

Good luck and be well.

hayesk · Mar 29, 2005, 08:41 AM

I'm sorry to hear that.

My brother's wife had the same thing happen to her. The doctors told her the same thing - 1 in 3 for the first pregnancy, which helped a bit. As you said, it's common but nobody really knows that.

If it helps, she went on to have three healthy and intelligent children after that. The first came about a year and a half after the miscarriage.

Good luck. I'm sure you'll have a bigger family in no time.

dcmacdaddy · Mar 29, 2005, 08:48 AM

Sorry for the bad news, jebjeb. I think it is much more common than is known. My Mom had two miscarriages and one still birth. So, she had more failed pregnancies than she did succesful ones--It's just me and my older sister.

It's good you and your wife are able to talk about it with each other and "outsiders". I think it will help coming to terms with the loss. Take care!

jebjeb · Mar 29, 2005, 08:49 AM

Thanks guys. One thing we can never be accused of is not communicating enough. I think is one thing that helps keep our relationship strong.

For myself, I am trying not to sound too... flippant about it. As I do tend to look on the bright side, I can have a habit of basically saying "forget about it. It'll be right!".

Mithras - I know what you're saying. We know that most of the time we are going to be fine and I am sure that there will be times that it will be extremely shite. I guess it is just a case of get back on that horse...

Hash · Mar 29, 2005, 09:02 AM

I am very, very sorry to hear about. Please support your wife, its time she needs your support and understanding most. We also had a similar situation long ago and I remember its a terrible time. But you are young and still have everything in future. Good luck!

budster101 · 03:20 PM

Originally posted by jebjeb:
Well, we have had some bad luck. My wife had a miscarriage late last week. It was fairly early (about 13 weeks) into the pregnancy but still not a fun thing.

We are both doing pretty well and my wife is healthy which is the main thing. We keep going back to the fact that when we first found out we were pregnant that we were just happy to know everything was working as we had been trying for nearly a year.

Oh well, guess we just start trying again in a few months!

Reading about it, it is quite amazing how common it is. Supposedly 1 in 3 pregnancies results in a miscarriage but that includes a lot of occasions when the woman had not yet known she was pregnant. For "known" pregnancies it is about 1 in 6.

It seems to be a topic that people don't really discuss. Initially, we thought we would not tell people we were pregnant until after the first trimester but then thought that people would either work it out or they already knew we were trying for a family. As people knew that we were pregnant, I have told quite a few that we have lost it. It is surprising how many have said that they have gone through the same thing or how a family member or close friend has been through it.

I like to think that we are dealing with it quite well. We are talking about it together a fair bit and are just getting on with things. I suppose a slight consolation is that we can try again and, fingers crossed, everything will be fine with the next pregnancy.

Very sad, sorry to see this bad news for you and your wife.
It is times like these that I get infuriated at those who do not enjoy what they have. For example HASH in another thread and his cheating wife. They have kids, and they don't even think! (She doesn't think rather). I'd like to share this story with him in his thread. Maybe he can show his wife what a fool she is for ignoring what blessings they actually have.

My wife works with pregnant women all day long, some of them teens, and some whom have had multiple abortions, only to realize they want to keep *this* one and then miscarry... It enrages her when they can't figure out why this has happened to them!

Abortions are not pleasent easy going procedures, and take a toll on one's body.

EDIT: I am not meaning to link abortions to what happened to you and your wife, it is just a case where it is upsetting that those who do so, do not appreciate what those who try very hard to do and cannot. Sorry if there was any misunderstanding here.

Again, very sorry for your loss, and wish you healthy twins next time!

Millennium · Mar 29, 2005, 09:34 AM

I'm very sorry to hear this. My thoughts are with you.

jebjeb · Mar 29, 2005, 09:43 AM

Originally posted by budster101:
Again, very sorry for your loss, and wish you healthy twins next time!

Woah, dude! Twins! Just one by one will do us fine. Some friends of ours are about 4 months pregnant with twins and it is going to be a trying time for them. Secretly, I love the idea of twins but maybe it is just the idea of them

Thanks for the kind words guys. It is nice to hear plenty of positive thoughts and wishes.

RAILhead · Mar 29, 2005, 09:44 AM

Crap, sorry to hear that. The guitarist in our band -- his wife -- has had two miscarriages, and they're having problems with their current pregnancy. She has some sort of blood clotting disorder and the placenta keeps detaching, causing lots of bleeding. They have one child, but ever since then, things have been bad. They've been pumping her with loads of folic acid, but nothing is helping much.

My thoughts are with you and your wife, jebjeb.

Maury

budster101 · 03:17 PM

Originally posted by jebjeb:
Woah, dude! Twins! Just one by one will do us fine. Some friends of ours are about 4 months pregnant with twins and it is going to be a trying time for them. Secretly, I love the idea of twins but maybe it is just the idea of them

Thanks for the kind words guys. It is nice to hear plenty of positive thoughts and wishes.

This makes me pray even harder so you and your wife obtain your dream of having a baby, and even twins or trips! My logic for trips is as follows: If you have one, you will spoil it, two will fight all the time, but three will mostly have a tie breaker and play together...

jebjeb · Mar 29, 2005, 09:58 AM

I guess it is easy for us to say about twins and such as we don't have to carry them and give birth to them!

Hope things go well for you too mate.

Cody Dawg · Mar 29, 2005, 10:02 AM

The miscarriage is bad news, sorry for you.

We had a miscarriage and we were very sad, but you know what our obstetrician told us? Oftentimes the miscarriage occurs because there is a gross anomaly with the embryo, something that was very wrong.

You will have a safe and healthy pregnancy eventually...just let nature take the time to do it right.

This is coming from a family with 4 children, by the way.

budster101 · Mar 29, 2005, 10:03 AM

Originally posted by jebjeb:
I guess it is easy for us to say about twins and such as we don't have to carry them and give birth to them!

Hope things go well for you too mate.

But, I know you'd make it up to her by getting her pickles and ice cream and pamper her all through the process, and after, you'll wake up at 3 am and say, "It's ok, hun, I love getting up and taking care of the kids, go back to bed."...

wolfen · Mar 29, 2005, 10:04 AM

You have my sympathies. I know that must be very disappointing. It's good that you can be there for each other during this time.

E's Lil Theorem · Mar 29, 2005, 10:06 AM

I'm sorry to hear about this. Glad to hear you and your wife are doing well dealing with it though.

I think most people don't like talking about it because like most painful things, talking about it is reliving it and no one likes to relive painful experiences. And lets face it, going through something like this is very, very painful, especially on women.

I hope all remains well and good luck with trying to get pregnant in the future.

wdlove · Mar 29, 2005, 12:47 PM

It is a situation that no one can really know what you are going through. Glad to hear that you are dealing as well as can be expected. Talking is a good sign. My prayers are with you and your wife. May all go well with successful pregnancy.

iCol · Mar 29, 2005, 01:11 PM

I am so sorry to hear your bad news man. I hope you and your wife are doing well, and it is comforting in these times to know that you are there for each other. And keep trying, one day you will bring a new life into this world, and they will be all the more special. Being gay it is unlikely that I will ever naturally father a child, so those of you who can really do make it special.

My sympathies are with you. And all the best for the future.

sideus · Mar 29, 2005, 01:47 PM

Sorry for the miscarriage.

However, it is fun making babies.

budster101 · Mar 29, 2005, 02:35 PM

Originally posted by sideus:
Sorry for the miscarriage.

However, it is fun making babies.

No derail intended... but, Ohio, Last Election, Making babies... voting Bush.

I don't know.

Mafia · Mar 29, 2005, 02:43 PM

Originally posted by sideus:
Sorry for the miscarriage.

However, it is fun making babies.

Q4T, sorry for your loss.

sideus · Mar 29, 2005, 02:58 PM

Originally posted by budster101:
No derail intended... but, Ohio, Last Election, Making babies... voting Bush.

I don't know.

budster101 · Mar 29, 2005, 03:03 PM

Originally posted by sideus:

villalobos · Mar 29, 2005, 03:08 PM

As everybody here, sorry for the miscarriage. I heard from a friend of mine that sometimes the woman gets depressed by putting the blame on herself whereas it was out of her control. Talking to her and supporting her as you are doing now is the best thing you could do!!
Best of luck with your future endeavours on baby making!!

budster101 · 03:21 PM

...

Superchicken · Mar 29, 2005, 03:16 PM

Sorry to hear that, my mom had two miscarriages before me and my sister.

finboy · Mar 29, 2005, 03:22 PM

God bless you and your wife in the coming weeks and months.

I think guys have a tendency to want to minimize things, in an effort to help start the healing process and get back to their "comfort zone." It's tough, but sometimes you have to dwell on these things in order to help your partner work through it.

From my understanding, miscarriages are almost always related to a non-viable pregnancy. In other words, it's nobody's fault in all but a few exceptional cases. Regardless, you'll both ask questions about what could have been done differently. It's OK to ask those questions, but if you start obsessing over them, seek professional help.

It helps if you have a good OB/GYN. That can really make a difference.

Good luck.

historylme · Mar 29, 2005, 03:55 PM

Sorry to hear about your loss.

I once read this book, THE FAMISHED ROAD by Ben Okri, that changed my perspective on the issue. I don't pretend to know what you're going through, or if it would help, but I know that I now see a loss as yours in a different light.

Good luck with all.

DarwinX · Mar 29, 2005, 04:00 PM

That is sad to hear. I've known a few people who have gone through this, some a couple of times. You are to be commended for your communication. Life is the light that binds us. May you be blessed to create new life again. My thoughts are with you.

SSharon · Mar 29, 2005, 04:04 PM

Sorry to hear about the news. I know of a family that has 5 healthy children but had one stillbirth between childrens 3 and 4, so don't worry. I also just spoke with a ptient last week that after one abortion and 2 miscarriages (of wanted pregnancies) is now pregnant again and doing well.

I never realized how common this was. Its good to know people communicate and get through this as I will be getting engaged in the not too distant future and have enough to worry about aside from this.

Blue Flame · Mar 29, 2005, 04:09 PM

sorry to hear it, blessings to you and your wife.

C.J. Moof · Mar 29, 2005, 04:35 PM

Our first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at about 9 weeks. Like others here, I only started to realize how common it is after it happened, when I explained to my boss why I had to immediately leave work the previous day. I found that his wife had more than one (but they went on to have 3 kids), and so did our office manager.... it's not rare. Nor is likely to be anybody's fault.

Just don't let her take "blame" for what happened. Make sure she realizes this is far more common than you'd think, until you come to have a reason to talk about it. Then you learn it happens all the time. While that shouldn't trivalize the impact this can have on her, it's a message that you're not alone, and others share her pain.

As for us, she got pregnant again 3 months later, and all is well with our 18 month old.

demograph68 · Mar 29, 2005, 05:52 PM

Isn't there enough people on this planet? Seriously, you want kids?!?

tavilach · Mar 29, 2005, 06:58 PM

I'm not sorry about your loss.

Hmm. That sounded weird. I was just trying to say something original, since everyone is just saying the same thing. I guess it's okay, though, when it's the thought that matters, rather than the cleverness of what was said. And on that note, I am indeed sorry about your loss. My older sibling was a miscarriage. It's probably a good thing it happened, though. An older brother would have pummeled me

.

Sorry about the failed comedy. I'm sure you'll pull throw just fine. Good luck

.

TheBadgerHunter · Mar 29, 2005, 08:19 PM

Originally posted by demograph68:
Isn't there enough people on this planet? Seriously, you want kids?!?

I've got four words for you. Now guess them.

I'll give you a hint, first word is "Shut".

d4nth3m4n · Mar 29, 2005, 08:23 PM

condolences man, my parents miscarried between me and my sister. i always wonder what it would have been like to have a brother only about a year younger than myself.

just one of those thing you'll never know.

hope all is well.

andi*pandi · Mar 29, 2005, 08:26 PM

my sympathies on your loss... it sounds like you've got a good supportive attitude though and will make it through. If you've been trying for a year likely your wife may feel more disappointed than you... confidence in your body and what it's supposed to do.

Good luck TTC in the coming months, and best wishes for a BFP ASAP!

SeSawaya · Mar 29, 2005, 10:50 PM

very sorry to hear that man, dont stress, it simply was meant to be.

spatterson · Mar 29, 2005, 11:21 PM

Sorry to hear about your loss

Kate Constipate · Mar 29, 2005, 11:58 PM

ahahhahahahahha....

Thats too funny....

demograph68 · Mar 30, 2005, 02:25 AM

Originally posted by TheBadgerHunter:
I've got four words for you. Now guess them.

I'll give you a hint, first word is "Shut".

Aren't you so ****ing clever.

tavilach · Mar 30, 2005, 02:40 AM

Originally posted by demograph68:
Aren't you so ****ing clever.

Why do you have a random between fuc and king? Oh! I get it

.

Demograph, what you said was a flippant, stupid, and screwed up remark. And don't start derailing the thread with my history, either. You were being an asshole, so he has a right to tell you to shut the **** up (nice trick, although I hope it's not illegal...go easy on me if it is, mods).

JustAnOl'Broad · Mar 30, 2005, 02:41 AM

Originally posted by jebjeb:
For myself, I am trying not to sound too... flippant about it. As I do tend to look on the bright side, I can have a habit of basically saying "forget about it. It'll be right!".

Big hugs to you and the Mrs.
It's not an easy thing and even harder the first time you hold
someone elses new baby. I think mentally it's harder on the mom.
Be there for her.
P~

jebjeb · Mar 30, 2005, 02:50 AM

Thanks again for all of your kind words and wishes.

I showed this thread to my wife last night and she thought it was slightly strange that I had posted it but can fully understand that this is one way that I am coping with it.

One request I have is to see if we can ALL ignore the negative/stupid comments that a couple of members have made. If people are going to make comments like that, responding to it is not going to enlighten them any further (yes, I know I have just responded to it!).

My wife is doing pretty well. We can both see how easy it would be to get constantly negative about this but that is not going to do anyone any good. I do believe that it wasn't meant to happen this time.

Thanks again!

demograph68 · Mar 30, 2005, 03:04 AM

The fetus was lucky. I wish I was a miscarriage.

demograph68 · Mar 30, 2005, 03:18 AM

Sorry about the stupid thing I said. I have a tendency to be an asshole when I feel horrible. I'm sure the next try will work out for you both.

jebjeb · 04:53 AM

Originally posted by demograph68:
Sorry about the stupid thing I said. I have a tendency to be an asshole when I feel horrible. I'm sure the next try will work out for you both.

Geez mate, you must have been feeling extremely horrible!

I'm sure it work out fine next time as well.

[Edit: I can see from your other thread that you are feeling horrible. Hang in there mate.]

Spadesman · Mar 30, 2005, 12:18 PM

Sorry to hear about your loss. My wife and I also miscarried our child at about 8 weeks almost 3 years ago. Before we found out, I was reading a magazine in the lobby about a woman who had 4 miscarriages before her first child (I think she had a total of 4 children) and told my wife I couldn't imagine. We were blessed though to hear the little heart beat at about 7 weeks old and we still have a picture also.

Some words of advice though, the wife can take a LONG time in recovering over the loss. For me, I had moved on the next day and was ready to move forward but it took her time to grieve and move on. Just remember to comfort her and be prepared to listen. What really helped me deal with the situation was discovering how common it was to miscarry. I too heard 1 in 3 and 1 in 4. Children are truly a blessing and don't get discouraged.

ThinkInsane · Mar 30, 2005, 01:04 PM

To those of you being so rude and inconsiderate to someone that has had a rather sad and serious event happen to them, show a little respect and decency and keep your idiocy, political commentary, and other assorted asshole comments out of this thread. And grow the **** up, while you're at it.

Jebjeb, sorry to hear it man. I really hope all goes well the next time around.