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maxelson · 08:51 PM

Honestly, I don't care if this has been posted in here before.
It needs to be posted in here again. And read daily.

The following is the first communique from a group calling itself Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me at The Chronicle via an anonymous spam remailer. I have no idea whether other news organizations have received this communique, and, if so, why they have not chosen to print it. Perhaps they fear starting a panic. I feel strongly that the truth, no matter how alarming, trivial or disgusting, must always be told. I am pleased to report that the words below are at least not disgusting:

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to the committee of the whole for further discussion.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people to shake hands with each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally introduced because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen and campaign managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.

We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone.

Brother Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the world is out to get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a Unitarian. There were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone suggested that we buy some Congress members and really stick it to the Baptists. But this was deemed against Revolutionary Principles, and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was remanded to the Sunday Flowers and Banners committee.

People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.

MacNStein · May 2, 2005, 04:01 PM

Can you feel the hyperbole tonight?

edit: BTW, I did enjoy it muchly.

Jellytussle · May 2, 2005, 04:05 PM

Holy cow maxelson, when did you get back? We need Shakespeare and recipes in the Lounge, stat!

maxelson · May 2, 2005, 05:20 PM

Actually, no recipes tonight. On my way to Shakespeare Club.
Yes, I belong to a Shakespeare club. I'm dorky that way.

Weyland-Yutani · May 2, 2005, 05:47 PM

DeathMan · May 2, 2005, 09:42 PM

Originally Posted by Jellytussle

Holy cow maxelson, when did you get back? We need Shakespeare and recipes in the Lounge, stat!

Just yesterday I was wondering to myself: Where have all the interesting posters gone? Well, this takes care of one of you. Good to see you.

maxelson · May 2, 2005, 09:59 PM

Nice to see you doodzes, too. Jeez. How many of you went and changed your screen names? Deathman, you, I got. Yuuuuh... Jellytussle? Good name... but I got me NO clue who's behind it.
And I can't believe that article has never been posted here. Best thing I've read in a WHILE.

dillerX · May 2, 2005, 10:44 PM

doodzes.

hahaha.

mr. natural · May 2, 2005, 11:46 PM

Posted by maxelson:
Actually, no recipes tonight. On my way to Shakespeare Club.
Yes, I belong to a Shakespeare club. I'm dorky that way.

I figured you were too busy with your local PTA to be prancing around in tights at night anymore.

How's the family, roof repair, and doG?

Some things never change. Like me, mr. natural, still the ol' Brother of Bottled Whiskey, Down Home Bar-B-Q (on a wood fired grill no less), Home Grown, and What's So Wrong With Peace, Love & Understanding.

But this place, it has changed, let me tell you...

ahhh, never mind.

Anyway, where does one sign up for this Unitarian Jihad?

We could certainly use more of it.

ciao!

ps: Stay out of the Pol/War Lounge -- un-fundamentalist barbarians have taken over the place.

Where's the real Minutemen when you need them to blast them darned redcoats.

ReggieX · May 3, 2005, 10:30 AM

Welcome back, max!

E's Lil Theorem · May 3, 2005, 11:00 AM

Heh, I particularly like the brother and sister names, e.g., Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation and Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace

DeathToWindows · May 3, 2005, 11:09 AM

Snort. Rather amusing.

euphras · May 3, 2005, 11:50 AM

Holy cow maxelson, when did you get back? We need Shakespeare and recipes in the Lounge, stat!

exactly what i thought!

Welcome back Maxelson

maxelson · May 3, 2005, 04:02 PM

Originally Posted by mr. natural

I figured you were too busy with your local PTA to be prancing around in tights at night anymore.

Well, yeah, it's true, but I'm now off the DoD and on as a Public School teacher. I sleep better nights. Harder to make the mortgage, but, hell, I ain't complaining.

How's the family, roof repair, and doG?

About to increase by one, been focusing on the boiler, chimbly and new windows. Roof next year, doGs are great.

Some things never change. Like me, mr. natural, still the ol' Brother of Bottled Whiskey, Down Home Bar-B-Q (on a wood fired grill no less), Home Grown, and What's So Wrong With Peace, Love & Understanding.

Excellent. I love a guy who can keep his head in all this rampant madness. I'm about on the same plane as you describe. The voices in my shiny noggin are a tad loud at times, but that's what the Shakespeare and Rock and Roll are for.

But this place, it has changed, let me tell you...

ahhh, never mind.

Yeah, well, it is true. I'm popping in to say hey to the folks I missed a bit. Y'all know who you are and the other folk wouldn't care. I did drop into the...uh... brawl room for a few minutes coupla months back. Was promptly attacked (in a really sad jr high ascii warrior kinda way) by some little pirana I had never encountered before, brushed it off, said "hey" to DH and made the exit.

Anyway, where does one sign up for this Unitarian Jihad?

We could certainly use more of it.

Amen, Brother Land Mine of the Landscape of Serenity!

ciao!

Ha det s� bra!

ps: Stay out of the Pol/War Lounge -- un-fundamentalist barbarians have taken over the place.

So I noticed.

Where's the real Minutemen when you need them to blast them darned redcoats.

pft. Its all ideologue now. I ain't got time for it. I'm thinnking that most folk only want to elevate themselves by stepping on others. What's the point? Ain't no "political debate" going on there. Political debate is healthy... and involves listening. It is laudable to squash it nowadays, apparently. Respect means little there (for all but a few on either side... heh... either side... its aaaaall red and blue, right and wrong, now, huh?) That joint is cancerous. Good thing they gave it its own little section.

ReggieX · May 3, 2005, 07:22 PM

Same as it ever was.

maxelson · May 3, 2005, 08:29 PM

How you doing, Reg?

ReggieX · May 5, 2005, 11:50 AM

Not bad, hooked up with some old Beantown highschool friends last weekend, lotsa fun. Will probably head down Central Square way some time in the summer.

You?

nonhuman · May 5, 2005, 01:41 PM

Originally Posted by DeathMan

Just yesterday I was wondering to myself: Where have all the interesting posters gone? Well, this takes care of one of you. Good to see you.

Me too. I was gone for so long and now that I'm back I don't know anyone anymore! Nice to see a familiar screen name.

maxelson · May 5, 2005, 02:44 PM

Originally Posted by ReggieX

Not bad, hooked up with some old Beantown highschool friends last weekend, lotsa fun. Will probably head down Central Square way some time in the summer.

You?

Alrighty. Lots of stuff going on at the homefront. Lots of stuff going on at work. Ain't been to Boston since last month. Helluva play at ART. I MAY make a Sox game once this season. Most likely end up at Cape League or Pawtucket. Cheaper, you know.

chris v · May 5, 2005, 02:54 PM

Pawtucket. Just because I like the way that word looks on paper.

Or e-paper. Whichever.

paul w · May 5, 2005, 05:07 PM

Minor leagues = back to basics, sittin on benches, bunting guys over, kids playing ball.

Good times!

malvolio · May 6, 2005, 10:28 AM

Originally Posted by chris v

Pawtucket.

Hey, my ex in-laws live there.

When I saw maxelson as thread author, I thought at first it was another "resurrected" thread. Good to see ya, Max!

maxelson · May 6, 2005, 06:41 PM

Originally Posted by chris v

Pawtucket. Just because I like the way that word looks on paper.

Or e-paper. Whichever.

We'll go when you guys come up this summer. GREAT ballpark. Cheap, too.

maxelson · May 6, 2005, 06:43 PM

Originally Posted by malvolio

Hey, my ex in-laws live there.

When I saw maxelson as thread author, I thought at first it was another "resurrected" thread. Good to see ya, Max!

Pawtucket: The New Jersey of Rhode Island. Pawtucket IS for inlaws.
Oi, Mal!

chris v · May 6, 2005, 06:48 PM

Originally Posted by maxelson

We'll go when you guys come up this summer. GREAT ballpark. Cheap, too.

All I need is ONE stinking lottery ticket, and I am so there. I am typing this from a hotel in Fort Worth, by the way. Despite being in Texas for 27 years, I'd never slowed below 55 while in this town. Pleasantly surprised.

Check the Tarrant County Courthouse It's a beaut.

/topic

nonhuman · May 6, 2005, 07:02 PM

Originally Posted by chris v

All I need is ONE stinking lottery ticket, and I am so there. I am typing this from a hotel in Fort Worth, by the way. Despite being in Texas for 27 years, I'd never slowed below 55 while in this town. Pleasantly surprised.

Check the Tarrant County Courthouse It's a beaut.

/topic

Yeah, Ft. Worth ain't half bad. There's a cajun restaurant downtown that ...also ain't half bad.

ReggieX · May 6, 2005, 10:26 PM

Just avoid Woonsocket, unless you want a milkshake, sorry frappe, which they call a "cabinet." I still don't get it.

maxelson · May 7, 2005, 12:31 PM

Well, now, that ain't fair. There's more to Woonsocket than a cab'nit. Woonsocket is also the Mob's favorite place to cement shoe folks what cross them. There's also the rather unique townie speech patterns:
"Trow me up da hatch my messbox" means "Please hand my toolbox up through the bulkhead".
"Buy a six up da packie" means "Please purchase some beer from the local liquor merchant".

ReggieX · May 7, 2005, 03:03 PM

Hingham Plaza, Watertown, Route 1 West Roxbury. Just gimme some jimmies on my cone, thanks.

cheerios · May 7, 2005, 05:18 PM

max, did I just see you mention impending maxlet(s)? schweet

ReggieX · May 7, 2005, 05:45 PM

You're a few weeks early for WWDC, babe!

cheerios · May 7, 2005, 05:59 PM

meh don't have to watch it here... I'm GOING biatch!

ReggieX · May 7, 2005, 06:22 PM

That's what it's all about anyway. You over at the other place?

cheerios · May 7, 2005, 06:26 PM

I kinda migrate... you know how it goes... just moved & got a new job, and have a lv 57 paladin in WoW so... forums have kinda taken a back-seat.

maxelson · 08:23 PM

You know how it is, Reg. New job, new class of people, new standards of hygiene...

cheerios · May 7, 2005, 09:08 PM

yeah, this bunch have souls, unlike the lawyers

less grease, more humor... all in all, a step up!

...omg there's a REASON field on edits?!? WTF, you guys get all snooty while i was out there in the real world?!?

ReggieX · May 7, 2005, 09:57 PM

"Reason" isn't mandatory. Kinda like this place.

max! Where's my damn double vanilla cone with jimmies?

maxelson · May 8, 2005, 08:12 AM

I gave it to my kid.

scottiB · May 8, 2005, 08:20 AM

Good to see you, max. Glad all is well. Don't be a stranger. Lurk but don't touch.

maxelson · Jul 28, 2005, 11:15 PM

some reason, i just toured around the electrified pit of neon absurdism... i mean, the pol lounge (i see it is the venerable rock it has been since the day it opened) and I thought there should be a
*bump*
here on this.
Instructions:
read article up top.