[Paco500]

Some history-

About two years ago, I had half of my left ear removed because of melanoma (aren't I lucky?). For two years I've had to deal with the uncomfortable question "what happened to your ear?" I say uncomfortable not because it really bothers me, but often when I say "cancer" people get all squirrelly and uncomfortable, apologize, mutter a bit and walk away. I'm not sure what kind of answer they were expecting- it's a bit baffling.

In any case, I started a new job about a month ago, and on my first day I wrote on my white board: About the ear... lost it in a sword fight. People seemed to find this mildly amusing, so I have decided to change the reason each day. It's been fun, and some days are funnier than others, but I'm running out of ideas. So here's what I've used so far, and I'm hoping the good folks at MacNN can add to the list and much hilarity will ensue.

1. Lost it in a sword fight.
2. "Tame" Squirrel.
3. Body modification is art.
4. Shrimpin' is tough.
5. A word of advice, only keep an UNLIT cigarettes up there.
6. The Flowbee needs better warning labels.
7. Our plane crashed in the Andes and we drew straws. I got hor d'orveus.
8. Are you familiar with these new RAZR phones?
9. I was a test pilot for the ultimately doomed gas powered propeller beanie.
10. Over-zealous use of head-gear in middle school.
11. In retrospect, wearing a hat made of Sansuges to Westminster was not such a good idea.
12. Got stuck on a conference call- had to gnaw it off.
13. At the Hair Cuttery, never ask for the "Van Gogh."
14. When tangling with Mike Tyson, it's folly to think "well, he'll never do THAT again."
15. In the 80's Piercing Pagoda briefly experimented with 12 gage piercing guns.
16. My advice: Avoid "store brand" q-tips.
17. Goats will eat anything.
18. Flesh eating bacteria.
19. When using a weed wacker, there are times when eye protection is just not enough.
20. Bow before me, for I am the ANTI-SPOCK!
21. I answered the iron.
22. Give the new Barber Shop a few weeks to "get settled" before patronizing it.
23. I borrowed Odd-Job's hat.
24. Xtreme fondue.
25. Because cutting off your nose to spite your face is such a cliché.
26. Oakley Shields? Not quite so Thermonuclear Protection.

IDEAS not yet used:

Don't slam tequila shots and try and shave your head.
I hesitate to say more, but sometimes a cigar is NOT just a cigar.
Polly REALLY wanted a cracker.
Ear, it's what's for dinner.
If you only pay two bits for a shave and a haircut, well, let's just say you get what you pay for.
I made Mr. Orange pretty darn mad.

[suvsr4terrorists]

Why not just get a fake one? Problem solved.

[Paco500]

Originally Posted by suvsr4terrorists

Why not just get a fake one? Problem solved.

I have a fake one, and it's a giant pain in the behind to wear. It involves cleaning, glue, more cleaning, itching, pain, the extreme embarrassment of having it come off unexpectedly when it gets bumped (only happened once, but damn did that suck).

I wear it sometimes, but it's a lot more work than it's worth to make a commitment to wear it everyday.

[suvsr4terrorists]

I guess I'd just grow my hair out then. >shrug<

[Paco500]

Originally Posted by suvsr4terrorists

I guess I'd just grow my hair out then. >shrug<

Unfortunately, mail-paattern baldness. If I grew it out I'd look like Ben Franklin. Sucks all around to be me.

BUT GET BACK ON TOPIC! I need ideas!

[Doofy]

"What? Say again, I can't hear you"

or

"I was a Utah Mormon for a while and had multiple wives. They talked my ear off"

[suvsr4terrorists]

"In case you were ever wondering if cutting off your ear and mailing it to your ex girlfriend would help work things out, the answer is no"

[BlueSky]

Cell phones: Not just for brain tumors anymore.

[wdlove]

Bumble bees caused a serious infection, this was the only treatment.

Very sorry to hear about the disfigurement. Have seen similar many times with cancer. Sadly still in the 21st Century people think cancer is infectious.

[Doofy]

'Relax, my local Yakuza like to play guitar in their spare time so came up with an alternative membership signifier"

[Paco500]

Thanks everyone- keep them coming.

[Tenacious Dyl]

Hearing aid was gas powered.
I used to sleep in bunny pens.
My girlfriend was drunk.
Initiation to join bingo hall.
I didn't have any change and we were at a tollbooth.

[jebjeb]

- Spent too much time in cockney London - 'ere you go guvnor!
- Got stuck to my plastic hobbit ears while filming "Lord of the Rings"
- My girlfriend always said I was a sharp dresser
- Shouldn't have tried to fix the fan in my G4 with my head in the case
- A 50 buck iBook just wasn't worth it
- Heard of Cauliflower Ears? - turns out that kids actually like to eat cauliflower
- Ever seen been to one of those medieval re-enactment places? Neither have I as I was at the doctors getting my ear cut off

[GranolaBoy]

Never pay a hooker for something if you don't know what it is.

I was eating monkey in Malaysia, but they didn't tell me it was still alive.

mutter "Fking Goldfish" and walk away.

"Now it's my turn: What's wrong with your face?"

[Scandalous Ion Cannon]

You should get that earring like that chick had in one of the recent bond films to cover up the same problem.

[Paco500]

Originally Posted by Scandalous Ion Cannon

You should get that earring like that chick had in one of the recent bond films to cover up the same problem.

Sounds cool, but I have no idea what you are talking about- picture?

[Paco500]

Originally Posted by Paco500

Sounds cool, but I have no idea what you are talking about- picture?

Ahh- I found some references online, but no pics- it sounds like her problem was with her lobe, mine is missing the top half, or, as I have learned, the helix.

[suvsr4terrorists]

can't you just like... I dunno... superglue the fake part on there? Seems like it'd hold for years if you used enough glue.

[sek929]

"Let me start by telling you that my barber is a drunk..."

[Nivag]

LOL @ 25. Because cutting off your nose to spite your face is such a cliché.

i sure you've used this but you can't beat the classic 'you should've seen the other guy!'

[Scandalous Ion Cannon]

Originally Posted by Paco500

Ahh- I found some references online, but no pics- it sounds like her problem was with her lobe, mine is missing the top half, or, as I have learned, the helix.

Ya it was from the world is not enough (rent it). Sophie Marceau played the part. You are right it was the lobe, but perhaps someone could make you the same thing for the top.

You can SORTA see it here:

[Paco500]

Originally Posted by suvsr4terrorists

can't you just like... I dunno... superglue the fake part on there? Seems like it'd hold for years if you used enough glue.

Ummm.... no. I imagine the skin underneath it would get really damn nasty fast, not to mention the damage I assume the Superglue would do. I got enough problem without gangrene. I could get one that attaches with magnets to metal posts implanted in my head, but that scares me.

Originally Posted by Scandalous Ion Cannon

Ya it was from the world is not enough (rent it). Sophie Marceau played the part. You are right it was the lobe, but perhaps someone could make you the same thing for the top.

I saw it when it came out, but had completely forgotten about the ear thing. I really think I'm going to try and find a custom jewelry designer to come up with something. That could be cool.

[The Windozer]

I'm saving one in case I go deaf.
When at a restaurant in Turkey, never order "Khüggaz".
You should see the other guy. (Classic)
Just ask. I'll give you a demonstration.
Word of advice: The IRS can't take a joke.
Ex-wife got it in the divorce settlement.
Really bad papercut.
Ever heard of the ear-fairy?
Sold it to the Devil. You should have heard what he ORIGINALLY asked for.
Lost it in a game of cards.
Be careful when feeding pidgeons.

[Scandalous Ion Cannon]

Originally Posted by Paco500

I saw it when it came out, but had completely forgotten about the ear thing. I really think I'm going to try and find a custom jewelry designer to come up with something. That could be cool.

See, you come here to make fun of yourself and you end up getting helped out

Either way I think that would be that would be the best route. No matter how good a fake ear looks it will still look strange. At least this way you look alterna punk.

Or Bajoran.

[kmkkid]

Never let Hannibal whisper in your ear.

[Paco500]

Originally Posted by Scandalous Ion Cannon

Either way I think that would be that would be the best route. No matter how good a fake ear looks it will still look strange.

You'd be amazed. When I do wear it, even people who know I'm missing an ear can't tell which is the real one. It's really a work of art.

[analogika]

Originally Posted by Doofy

'Relax, my local Yakuza like to play guitar in their spare time so came up with an alternative membership signifier"

In that vein:

"It was either that or my pinky..."

[Link]

"The only other car I could afford cost an arm and a leg"

[Salty]

Few Suggestions

Don't try and take Jesus when Peter is around... (granted he got it put back on)
Farming accident... it didn't sound that loud though...
Angry ex with an ear fetish...
Happy ex with an ear fetish...
My last girl friend talked it off...
It broke up with my left one and took of to Tahiti...

[dcmacdaddy]

"I failed knife juggling class in the circus."

[nonhuman]

Originally Posted by GranolaBoy

Never pay a hooker for something if you don't know what it is.

[Randman]

If you think that's cool, keep an eye on my other ear.
Hah! I get half off when I buy headphones.
Ear, what ear?
Look at me, I'm Mr Potato Head
Wha? Wha? Wha? OhhhhKay (Chappelle Show reference)
Always be careful when using Q-Tips
I always thought piranhas were a myth.
Uhh, don't EVER look in the trunk of my car, if you know what's good for you.
I like these appendages after all. I may finally complete the set.
Ear today, gone tomorrow.

[Kerrigan]

Queer ear on the straight guy

[KeriVit]

How come we can't see YOUR ear or lack there of?

[Salty]

Asymmetrical Ear Arrangements are all the rage in paris!

[Randman]

Ok, here are a few more off the top of my head. Top of my head, get it?

Hey, if Bruno and the boys come asking for me, tell 'em I'm not here.
I really didn't think the earring was THAT heavy.
Usually, it's keys that I leave at home by accident, but not always.
Speak up. I can't hear you.
If you are going to talk about me, I suggest you do it on my left side.
Makes me aerodynamic when I Rollerblade.
You won't believe how much I saved on my car insurance.

And...

If anyone sees an ear laying around, please call me. Thanks.

[suvsr4terrorists]

How about this response:

"what?"

>reach hand to ear<

"OH MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY EAR! MY ****ING EAR IS MISSING! HOLY ****ING ****! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Then when they start screaming too just go "just kidding. It fell off a while ago."

[Scandalous Ion Cannon]

Put the fake one in the glass of the guy next to you.

[mojo2]

Originally Posted by Paco500

Some history-

About two years ago, I had half of my left ear removed because of melanoma (aren't I lucky?). For two years I've had to deal with the uncomfortable question "what happened to your ear?" I say uncomfortable not because it really bothers me, but often when I say "cancer" people get all squirrelly and uncomfortable, apologize, mutter a bit and walk away. I'm not sure what kind of answer they were expecting- it's a bit baffling.

In any case, I started a new job about a month ago, and on my first day I wrote on my white board: About the ear... lost it in a sword fight. People seemed to find this mildly amusing, so I have decided to change the reason each day. It's been fun, and some days are funnier than others, but I'm running out of ideas. So here's what I've used so far, and I'm hoping the good folks at MacNN can add to the list and much hilarity will ensue.

1. Lost it in a sword fight.
2. "Tame" Squirrel.
3. Body modification is art.
4. Shrimpin' is tough.
5. A word of advice, only keep an UNLIT cigarettes up there.
6. The Flowbee needs better warning labels.
7. Our plane crashed in the Andes and we drew straws. I got hor d'orveus.
8. Are you familiar with these new RAZR phones?
9. I was a test pilot for the ultimately doomed gas powered propeller beanie.
10. Over-zealous use of head-gear in middle school.
11. In retrospect, wearing a hat made of Sansuges to Westminster was not such a good idea.
12. Got stuck on a conference call- had to gnaw it off.
13. At the Hair Cuttery, never ask for the "Van Gogh."
14. When tangling with Mike Tyson, it's folly to think "well, he'll never do THAT again."
15. In the 80's Piercing Pagoda briefly experimented with 12 gage piercing guns.
16. My advice: Avoid "store brand" q-tips.
17. Goats will eat anything.
18. Flesh eating bacteria.
19. When using a weed wacker, there are times when eye protection is just not enough.
20. Bow before me, for I am the ANTI-SPOCK!
21. I answered the iron.
22. Give the new Barber Shop a few weeks to "get settled" before patronizing it.
23. I borrowed Odd-Job's hat.
24. Xtreme fondue.
25. Because cutting off your nose to spite your face is such a cliché.
26. Oakley Shields? Not quite so Thermonuclear Protection.

IDEAS not yet used:

Don't slam tequila shots and try and shave your head.
I hesitate to say more, but sometimes a cigar is NOT just a cigar.
Polly REALLY wanted a cracker.
Ear, it's what's for dinner.
If you only pay two bits for a shave and a haircut, well, let's just say you get what you pay for.
I made Mr. Orange pretty darn mad.

Ok, it's always good for people to have at least just the tiniest bit of doubt about your being a nice guy.

You'll have to practice this til it is believable and appears a well worn answer, not one you just cooked up, but I guarantee you'll become good at it quickly enough and your ear will forever more be a source of pride. Or at least a non-issue.

Paco500: (jovially) "Hey everybody. The ear?"

(Look around to add drama and make sure everyone is paying attention...cup ear with hand for added emphasis.)

(Expression very quickly becomes slightly cold with a hint of menace)

Paco500: "I WON."

(Deliberately, but quickly and casually look in each person's eyes to make sure they get the message. Then, smile and quickly go into a well rehearsed killer joke totally unrelated to ears, sabre duels, knife fights or operations or anything.)

You will gain a kind of air of mystery about you. Men will think twice before fzzxing with you and women will become intrigued. No one will ever bring it up again.

And, you will have avoided telling a lie because you DID win.

You beat Cancer.



BTW, if someone does bring it up, you give em another one of the practiced "looks" and tell them, "There are some things a man doesn't talk about."

END. OF. STORY.

Then give him the 'silent treatment' as though he has dared to socially offend you. He will try to make it up to you and if you agree to let him 'off the hook' he will become a good buddy from then on.

[JoshuaZ]

Dude, just say ninjas attacked you. You killed three of them but they got away with part of your ear.

That or you it just randomly fell off.

While the truth does hurt I completely know what you mean about cancer. Whenever my mother used to talk about her cancer experience people got really really uncomfortable. When in doubt, ninjas.

[Paco500]

I should have posted this weeks ago- you all are awesome.

Please feel free to keep them coming.

[suvsr4terrorists]

Originally Posted by mojo2

You will gain a kind of air of mystery about you. Men will think twice before fzzxing with you and women will become intrigued. No one will ever bring it up again.

And, you will have avoided telling a lie because you DID win.

You beat Cancer.

[GranolaBoy]

Go for the Tour de France. Then everyone will watch in awe. "He even beat ear cancer!"

[MacNStein]

"never date a sexy cannibal"

and

"I was off balance and listing to the left."

and

"I used to sell Amway at a leper colony."

[MacNStein]

Originally Posted by Scandalous Ion Cannon

Put the fake one in the glass of the guy next to you.

My great grandfather used to do that with his false teeth, you had to keep a close eye on your eggnog at Christmas.

[davesimondotcom]

I'm a human Mr. Potato Head.
When you get a banana in your ear, this is how they fix it.
Got frostbite when I was climbing Everest.

[davesimondotcom]

oops, dp

[Eriamjh]

"Have you ever fought Mike Tyson?"
"Ask Evander Hollyfield..."
"I'm Vincent Van Gogh's great great great great nephew."
"Shark bite."

[ghporter]

At my last job they waited a while to clarify: "NOSE" to the grindstone!
Some carnival magicians don't use "trick" props.
Those "Croaky" things that hold your sunglasses on? DO NOT get their new titanium model!
My car's seatbelt retractor is REALLY fast!
The doctor in Jakarta said I didn't need surgery-it would just fall off. He was right.
You know, penicillin really isn't that expensive after all...
At least the galaxy is safe for now!
Ear-eating zombies.
I am the Flaming Idiots only audience participation failure. (The Flaming Idiots -who have retired now- were a fantastic comedy juggling act that ended their Renaissance act with a knife trick; they tossed knives around an audience member and eventually sliced a carrot in the audience member's mouth. It's a reach, but if there are Rennies in your crowd, it might register.)
Discount Chain Mail caps...NOT a good idea.

[Paco500]

Thanks to everyone for their input.

You've helped me keep this stupidity alive for at least another month.