http://borowitzreport.com/
NEW SUPER-TINY IPOD IS IMPLANTED DIRECTLY INTO THE BRAIN
100 Million Americans Could Be Hardwired for Sound By 2008, Says Jobs
At company headquarters in Cupertino, California today, Apple Computer CEO Steve Jobs introduced a new IPod so tiny that it can be implanted directly into the human brain.
The IPod Micro™ becomes fused to the central nervous system through a simple non-invasive surgical procedure that can be performed in any doctor’s office or at any Apple store, Mr. Jobs said.
The Apple CEO, who last week became the first to have the IPod Micro™ implanted into his brain, showed how music can be downloaded via a USB port discreetly located on the back of his neck.
Mr. Jobs said that the Micro™ can store up to 2800 songs and that the tracks can be shuffled by blinking one’s eyes or nodding one’s head, making it possible to listen to music in a classroom or at the office without anyone else knowing it.
He demonstrated by rocking out to the song “Let’s Get It Started” by The Black Eyed Peas, declaring the sound quality inside his head “awesome.”
While Mr. Jobs said that as many as 100 million Americans could be hardwired for sound by 2008, Sony Corporation CEO Sir Howard Stringer served notice that his company was rolling out a new, super-tiny PlayStation Portable™ that could also be implanted directly into the brain.
“There’s a lot of room in the average American’s head and we intend to fight for every square inch of it,” Sir Howard told reporters.
Elsewhere, thousands lined up to buy Powerball tickets when lottery officials announced that the grand prize would be a full tank of gas.
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