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E's Lil Theorem · Nov 17, 2005, 10:15 PM

Received this earlier today as an email forward:

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it. I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me.
Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that.

I am so sorry.
Elizabeth

RESPONSE:

Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last Saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do.
Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I forwarded about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,

Brad

Wish he would have forwarded a pic, too

starman · Nov 17, 2005, 10:22 PM

errr....timelined

Captain Obvious · Nov 17, 2005, 10:23 PM

Ha ha?

He still sat there like the douche he is waiting on the slut while she was doing the other guy.
The hilarity that must have gone on during that wait.

ReggieX · Nov 17, 2005, 10:31 PM

Originally Posted by E's Lil Theorem

Received this earlier today as an email forward:

You should know better

E's Lil Theorem · Nov 17, 2005, 10:33 PM

Originally Posted by starman

errr....timelined

I search for relevant threads, but I couldn't find anything. Be my guest and provide a link to the thread where it was originally posted.

Doofy · Nov 17, 2005, 10:43 PM

finger-blasted

MM-o4 · Nov 17, 2005, 11:10 PM

yeah 'finger-blasted'. Don't tell me you're doing it the OLD way

MM

Doofy · Nov 17, 2005, 11:13 PM

I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. Seriously. What's "finger-blasted"? I'm not "up" on all the hip, modern street-slang. And what the heck is "the OLD way"?

E's Lil Theorem · Nov 17, 2005, 11:20 PM

Originally Posted by Doofy

I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. Seriously. What's "finger-blasted"? And what the heck is "the OLD way"?

Finger-blasted == using one's finger(s) to caress the femme's nether regions in such a way as to pleasure her. Perhaps you've heard of "finger-banging/f*cking?"

Doofy · Nov 17, 2005, 11:29 PM

Originally Posted by E's Lil Theorem

Finger-blasted == using one's finger(s) to caress the femme's nether regions in such a way as to pleasure her.

Right, thanks. Guessed as much but wasn't sure if it wasn't some kind of new fashionable method of doing something else. Vivid imagination.

Originally Posted by E's Lil Theorem

Perhaps you've heard of "finger-f*cking?"

Yep. Although strangely we appear to have no slang at all around here for that particular activity.

As fingers appear to have been around for a while, this does now make me wonder what "the OLD way" is? Sit her down in front of a Jackie Collins novel for a half hour before the main event?

JoshuaZ · Nov 17, 2005, 11:37 PM

Yeah, owned, but in such a sad way.

nredman · Nov 18, 2005, 08:09 AM

good stuff i feel bad for the guy and the chick

ghporter · Nov 18, 2005, 08:32 AM

She was stupid to get that drunk in the first place. He was juvenile to tear her a new one in response to an appology, and downright infantile and moronic for broadcasting the whole thing to the world. It says "I pick loser girls, and I'm rude to people who try to appologize to me." He's a real loser.

Note for anyone who'll listen: getting drunk is only fun if you are still in control and still manage to remember what's going on. It is NOT something you should do so much of that you forget who you are supposed to be with. I know very few poeple will even bother to read this, but I still had to say it.

turtle777 · Nov 18, 2005, 08:42 AM

Originally Posted by ghporter

He was juvenile to tear her a new one in response to an appology, and downright infantile and moronic for broadcasting the whole thing to the world. It says "I pick loser girls, and I'm rude to people who try to appologize to me." He's a real loser.

-t

andreas_g4 · Nov 18, 2005, 08:55 AM

What's funny about that? Just two stupid people emailing.

wdlove · Nov 18, 2005, 09:07 AM

Very sad all around. Alcohol causes people to do stupid things. The real question is what is she like sober? Certainly correct to drop her, but she needs help.

turtle777 · Nov 18, 2005, 09:13 AM

Originally Posted by wdlove

The real question is what is she like sober?

A sober slut ?

-t

Doofy · Nov 18, 2005, 09:21 AM

Originally Posted by wdlove

Very sad all around. Alcohol causes people to do stupid things. The real question is what is she like sober?

The same but less so? In my experience, alcohol simply magnifies one's inherent personality. Nice folks tend to go to sleep. Angry folks tend to start fights. Slappers tend to become filthy hoes.

wallinbl · Nov 18, 2005, 09:36 AM

Originally Posted by Doofy

The same but less so? In my experience, alcohol simply magnifies one's inherent personality. Nice folks tend to go to sleep. Angry folks tend to start fights. Slappers tend to become filthy hoes.

Yep.

Kevin · Nov 18, 2005, 10:05 AM

I think cubiod was drunk last night. He kept asking to talk to a gal I knew that was "ready to go" and wanted in on that action.

I kept telling him he was across the globe. Literally.

turtle777 · Nov 18, 2005, 10:07 AM

Originally Posted by Kevin

I think cubiod was drunk last night. He kept asking to talk to a gal I knew that was "ready to go" and wanted in on that action.

I kept telling him he was across the globe. Literally.

Link ?

Or was it via PM ?

-t

Kevin · Nov 18, 2005, 10:29 AM

On AIM.

SuvsareRetarded · Nov 18, 2005, 10:32 AM

Originally Posted by ghporter

Note for anyone who'll listen: getting drunk is only fun if you are still in control and still manage to remember what's going on. It is NOT something you should do so much of that you forget who you are supposed to be with. I know very few poeple will even bother to read this, but I still had to say it.

I've been stupid drunk before and I've never blown some guy in a bathroom. Same goes for my wife. That chick was a skank, and the guy gets props for sending her something to think about and erasing her from his life.

turtle777 · Nov 18, 2005, 10:36 AM

Originally Posted by Kevin

On AIM.

Publish the log. Come on, please

-t

BlueSky · 11:20 AM

Originally Posted by Kevin

I think cubiod was drunk last night. He kept asking to talk to a gal I knew that was "ready to go" and wanted in on that action.

I kept telling him he was across the globe. Literally.

You sure it was Cubeoid? The last few posts I read of his this AM do not "sound" like him.

In any case, is it appropriate to be sharing this information?

Millennium · Nov 18, 2005, 10:48 AM

Two stupid people in altered states of mind, doing stupid things and bickering about it. This is funny... how?

Kevin · Nov 18, 2005, 10:48 AM

Originally Posted by turtle777

Publish the log. Come on, please

-t

Naw, don't even think I keep logs.

turtle777 · Nov 18, 2005, 10:49 AM

Originally Posted by Kevin

Naw, don't even think I keep logs.

Clearly a mistake.

-t

Dark Helmet · Nov 18, 2005, 12:29 PM

Originally Posted by Doofy

I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. Seriously. What's "finger-blasted"? I'm not "up" on all the hip, modern street-slang. And what the heck is "the OLD way"?

OMG even I knew what he was talking about

Doofy · Nov 18, 2005, 12:41 PM

Originally Posted by Dark Helmet

OMG even I knew what he was talking about

Clue: I'm not from North America. Occasionally, North America and England do not share slang terms (as famously demonstrated by the term "fanny").

Dark Helmet · Nov 18, 2005, 12:44 PM

Originally Posted by Doofy

Clue: I'm not from North America. Occasionally, North America and England do not share slang terms (as famously demonstrated by the term "fanny").

Well I have never used that term or heard it before but it wasn't that hard to figure out.

Now I think I'll go have a fag.

Doofy · Nov 18, 2005, 12:57 PM

Originally Posted by Dark Helmet

Well I have never used that term or heard it before but it wasn't that hard to figure out.

Our slang (locally, at least) tends to be quite subtle, with a slight change in terms making a huge difference - it's always good to get the correct definition.

For example, "finger banging" could mean around the front, "finger blasting" could mean around the tradesmans'.

Originally Posted by Dark Helmet

Now I think I'll go have a fag.

Don't forget to put it out when you've smoked it.

wataru · Nov 18, 2005, 12:59 PM

Originally Posted by Doofy

The same but less so? In my experience, alcohol simply magnifies one's inherent personality. Nice folks tend to go to sleep. Angry folks tend to start fights. Slappers tend to become filthy hoes.

Modern medicine says different--that alcohol actually alters one's personality.

Rolling Bones · Nov 18, 2005, 01:04 PM

Did she swallow the goop?

And who cares about Colen Ferrils hair, or whatever his name is!

Eug Wanker · Nov 18, 2005, 01:10 PM

Originally Posted by Doofy

Clue: I'm not from North America. Occasionally, North America and England do not share slang terms (as famously demonstrated by the term "fanny").

So you what do you guys think of when we North Americans say "fanny pack"?

Originally Posted by SuvsareRetarded

I've been stupid drunk before and I've never blown some guy in a bathroom.

The man doth protest too much, methinks.

Doofy · Nov 18, 2005, 01:15 PM

Originally Posted by Eug Wanker

So you what do you guys think of when we North Americans say "fanny pack"?

Dunno about anyone else, but I think of a pack of Stuyvesant White and an ex from a long time ago.

dcmacdaddy · Nov 18, 2005, 01:21 PM

Originally Posted by Doofy

Dunno about anyone else, but I think of a pack of Stuyvesant White and an ex from a long time ago.

Did she "blow" smoke rings?

Dark Helmet · Nov 18, 2005, 01:40 PM

Originally Posted by SuvsareRetarded

I've been stupid drunk before and I've never blown some guy in a bathroom.

Same here. I guess we should keep on tryin'

SuvsareRetarded · Nov 18, 2005, 02:42 PM

Originally Posted by Doofy

Clue: I'm not from North America. Occasionally, North America and England do not share slang terms (as famously demonstrated by the term "fanny").

I didn't know what 'finger blasted' meant either. Where I grow up, pleasing a girl with your hand was called 'fingering' a girl. >shrug<

Kevin · Nov 18, 2005, 03:18 PM

The blasting part comes from inexperienced boys that think the harder and obnoxious they pound their fingers into a gal, the more she will like it.

Same thing goes with "finger bang"

andreas_g4 · Nov 18, 2005, 03:20 PM

Originally Posted by Kevin

The blasting part comes from inexperienced boys that think the harder and obnoxious they pound their fingers into a gal, the more she will like it.

Same thing goes with "finger bang"

It doesn't?

historylme · Nov 18, 2005, 03:24 PM

LOL well stated ^

rozwado1 · Nov 18, 2005, 06:23 PM

::maroma:: · Nov 18, 2005, 06:34 PM

Finger Thump
Finger Thrash
Finger Destroy
Finger Obliterate

etc etc...?

ghporter · Nov 18, 2005, 07:18 PM

Originally Posted by wataru

Modern medicine says different--that alcohol actually alters one's personality.

In general first alcohol accentuates a person's tendencies through reduction of inhibitions. Only later, after the alcohol has been processed to some extent, does the personality change show up. In bingers (those who binge-I'm not sure I spelled it right), they tend to drink a lot very quickly and wind up unconscious before they start processing, so the personality changes don't show up until they wake up. And who's ever come across somebody who just woke up after heavy drinking that was pleasant?

People who are inexperienced with drink often think the point is to see how much alcohol poisoning they can tolerate before losing consciousness. That (and the aftermath) doesn't sound like fun to me. I'm working on not voiding the warranty on my liver.