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Hash · 07:05 AM

I have hired (promoted) a new executive assistant, a damn nice and hot girl (she graduated as a history major and now studying for MBA in finance), whom I like (personally) very much. She is also damn good at her work. Sometimes (on Christmas, corporate parties) I give her some gifts such as nice wine, recently a set of expensive Dior cosmetics and so on, but I do not know if it is appropriate, after all I am her boss. She is single, I am married, BTW.

Athens · Jan 29, 2006, 05:26 AM

how long have you known her, what country are you from, how large is your company and is she single

Mastrap · Jan 29, 2006, 05:27 AM

What?

Hash · Jan 29, 2006, 06:57 AM

The company has about 140 employees and is affiliated with a much larger corporation. I promoted my executive assistant to her new position last fall, but know for about a year (she used to work at lower rank clerical position)

Dork. · Jan 29, 2006, 07:27 AM

If it is affiliated with a larger corporation, they may have guidelines on gifts which you need to follow.

I think it's perfectly appropriate give gifts to an executive assistant, especially since (depending on your job, of course) your assistant may be working only for your benefit, and helping to keep your tasks organized so you look good to your boss. If she does a good job, you want to keep her happy, and not give her reason to leave, after all!

You seem to be limiting your gifts to more traditional Corporate gift-giving occasions, which is good. Also, make sure it is always presented as a token of appreciation for a job well done, and never in anticipation of future work. As for whether the cost of the gifts is too much, there are really two people whose opinions matter -- your boss, and your wife.

OreoCookie · Jan 29, 2006, 07:45 AM

Sounds like you feel some attraction to her. That would be the thing I'd investigate first, the rest will fall into place by itself then.

Find out what you want, what she wants and then don't give any `ambiguous messages'.

Hash · 08:06 AM

damn, you bet i am attracted to her. But I do not want to look like some harassing boss. I just really attracted to her just as a human to human (or man to woman), though she is younger than me by about 12 years.

Hash · Jan 29, 2006, 08:05 AM

Originally Posted by Dork.

If it is affiliated with a larger corporation, they may have guidelines on gifts which you need to follow.

I think it's perfectly appropriate give gifts to an executive assistant, especially since (depending on your job, of course) your assistant may be working only for your benefit, and helping to keep your tasks organized so you look good to your boss. If she does a good job, you want to keep her happy, and not give her reason to leave, after all!

You seem to be limiting your gifts to more traditional Corporate gift-giving occasions, which is good. Also, make sure it is always presented as a token of appreciation for a job well done, and never in anticipation of future work. As for whether the cost of the gifts is too much, there are really two people whose opinions matter -- your boss, and your wife.

The corporation does not have very specific guidelines, except that all gifts, which are company sponsored, are already in the budget and obviously, cannot exceed the budget. My boss does not matter cause I pay for all my gifts, i.e. they are personal things, not company sponsored. Thanks for good advice for limiting to corporate and other holidays, that was good. I used to work with other executive assistant, a woman in mid40s, who then left for another, higher paying job within the company, but cannot say I liked her. But when she was leaving office, I gave her a bottle of expensive French liquor.

This girl is a bit different, since it was me who promoted her (after an interview and some internal exams). The gifts were something about 400 dollars worth. And I am worried that my gifts may create a wrong impression (in a case of wife)

OreoCookie · Jan 29, 2006, 08:21 AM

Originally Posted by Hash

damn, you bet i am attracted to her. But I do not want to look like some harassing boss. I just really attracted to her just as a human to human (or man to woman), though she is younger than me by about 12 years.

So you have answered your own question. The problem is not the gifts you are giving her, but what is at the core: an attraction to her. It's a difficult situation, my advice is to stop things before they start: stop seeing each other on a daily basis would be a start. I know this might turn out to be difficult, but having the cookie jar in front of you every day … is something only a few people can resist.

Cubeoid · Jan 29, 2006, 08:21 AM

If the oppurtunity arises, I say pork her! You only live once. Life's a ride. Pork her!

Goldfinger · Jan 29, 2006, 08:29 AM

Bang her on the xerox machine during coffee break.

chris v · Jan 29, 2006, 08:37 AM

Originally Posted by Hash

But I do not want to look like some harassing boss.

Then don't. It's pretty damn amazing what people can take as "harrassment" these days. Anything beyond complimenting her on a new haircut can be taken the wrong way. I'd watch your step if you don't want to find yourself unemployed, or in court.

Mastrap · Jan 29, 2006, 08:51 AM

Originally Posted by Hash

damn, you bet i am attracted to her. But I do not want to look like some harassing boss. I just really attracted to her just as a human to human (or man to woman), though she is younger than me by about 12 years.

Well, then don't act like a love struck teenager. Stop the gifts, unless mandated by company policy or custom. When you do give gifts, make them non personal.

Mithras · Jan 29, 2006, 09:10 AM

What's the latest on Hash's marital situation, anyway? Surely this "dilemma" needs to be understood in that broader context.

Hash · Jan 29, 2006, 10:23 AM

Originally Posted by OreoCookie

So you have answered your own question. The problem is not the gifts you are giving her, but what is at the core: an attraction to her. It's a difficult situation, my advice is to stop things before they start: stop seeing each other on a daily basis would be a start. I know this might turn out to be difficult, but having the cookie jar in front of you every day … is something only a few people can resist.

How can I stop seeing my executive assistant?? Besides, I cannot change them every day as gloves. But maybe I do not want to. She is a nice girl and she is good assistant. Girls can be attractive to you, right? When I see her in the office, it makes the day better and the work can be fun - mind you, nothing inappropriate here. Her smile is very nice, I cannot fully describe the feeling. Yet, we both are not romantic teenagers, we both know its only the work which linked us, and it is only a matter of time, when we ll be separated forever - either by the company will, or her graduation, or my movement to some other office. Yet as a human, I cannot help but be attracted to a beautiful, hard working girl, who is trying to reach some personal and career heights. Sometime in the evening, around 5 pm, when there are no more guests and meetings and people start to leave the company, we sit in the office, have a cup of coffee (she prefers tea), and have a nice chat. At that moment, I forget I am her boss and she forgets she is my assistant (maybe, not sure about her). These calm moments something I really treasure. She obviously has a lot of friends, or guys trying to date her, as she is so damn attractive, so sometimes I think how lucky I am to be her boss - obviously, she would never sit and chat with me, if i wasn't her boss, so maybe its perks of the job!

My marital situation has stabilized, thanks God, btw, maybe not fully, but nothing special too.

Hash · Jan 29, 2006, 10:36 AM

Originally Posted by Cubeoid

If the oppurtunity arises, I say pork her! You only live once. Life's a ride. Pork her!

Hmm. I wish I were you. Life could be so simpler and maybe nicer!

Hash · Jan 29, 2006, 10:39 AM

Originally Posted by Mastrap

Well, then don't act like a love struck teenager. Stop the gifts, unless mandated by company policy or custom. When you do give gifts, make them non personal.

I do want to give her something personal. Cause I want to help the girl. I cannot raise her pay, but I want to see her happy. These gifts are not so difficult for me, but she likes them (maybe cause it is hard to afford for a graduate student?).

Mithras · Jan 29, 2006, 10:55 AM

I'd say the solution is to go ahead and enjoy your evening teas with her, but just understand that you ain't gonna pork her, so you're just trading gifts for some sweet smiles. If you understand that and she seems to understand that, no harm done. If you can't dispel the (mostly harmless) fantasy in your head that when she smiles at you, it's cause she kinda likes you, then you need to figure out how to change your thinking.

TETENAL · Jan 29, 2006, 10:58 AM

Originally Posted by Hash

My marital situation has stabilized, thanks God, btw, maybe not fully, but nothing special too.

Then why not just ask your wife about her opinion whether she thinks personal gifts to your assistant are appropriate. If you can't, then you have your answer.

Kevin · Jan 29, 2006, 11:02 AM

Yeah Hash, if you want to pursue such avenues. You should have never gotten married.

I never understood that.

BRussell · Jan 29, 2006, 11:14 AM

Hot secretaries are the best. Unfortunately my hot secretary moved on about a year ago, and our new one is like my mom. Actually it's nice having a mom at the office. I'm not sure which one I like better.

It sounds like this one knows how to flirt, she's willing to do so, and she currently has you right where she wants you. Good for her.

Hash · 11:33 AM

Originally Posted by Mithras

I'd say the solution is to go ahead and enjoy your evening teas with her, but just understand that you ain't gonna pork her, so you're just trading gifts for some sweet smiles. If you understand that and she seems to understand that, no harm done. If you can't dispel the (mostly harmless) fantasy in your head that when she smiles at you, it's cause she kinda likes you, then you need to figure out how to change your thinking.

Yes, you are right. She is very cool person (i would add - cold person for all others) and kinda very strict, sometimes she makes even me feel uncomfortable when I make a miss (say was late for appointment - she just for a second gives such a look you dont want to see again, but just for a second). So these smiles, I knows, are not real. I tell you, if I weren't her boss, I would never get a chance to chat with her. I saw once during a corporate party as some guy (former bf? or a candidate?) tried to talk to her, that was painful to watch as she brushed him away with a such cold reception, I would never want to get.

Yes, I know that best secretaries are those in mid40-50s. But isnt it cool to have a damn hot beauty sitting in a room next to you. I just recently moved a new shiny office, so its quite a combination - a beauty in a beautiful office with a special smile (only for you)

Never thought that would be possible when I was poor graduate student myself. Now I see another such one and want to make her better off by the (expensive) gifts I know she cant afford. If I make even one person better off, i suppose its a good thing, right?

Hash · Jan 29, 2006, 11:31 AM

Originally Posted by Kevin

Yeah Hash, if you want to pursue such avenues. You should have never gotten married.

I never understood that.

Yup, I never understood too. Yet, I wanna see how you will deal with such situation. A damn attractive nice girl sitting right next your door everyday, one you can call and ask to share a coffee, or have some chat whenever YOU want (not asking her opinion). I wanna see how long you will keep your thinking unchanged.

wdlove · Jan 29, 2006, 11:34 AM

I would say that being faithful to your marriage is very important. Nothing wrong with having a female friend. As long as you are just friends then there shouldn't be a problem.

Kevin · Jan 29, 2006, 11:38 AM

Originally Posted by Hash

Yup, I never understood too. Yet, I wanna see how you will deal with such situation. A damn attractive nice girl sitting right next your door everyday, one you can call and ask to share a coffee, or have some chat whenever YOU want (not asking her opinion). I wanna see how long you will keep your thinking unchanged.

Pfft.. I have had it happen many times. And I am not even married!

But I am dating someone. It's called restraint.

There is actually a little hotty downstairs that keeps coming in my office doing provocative things. For example, last Christmas she showed me her underwear that played "joy to the world" when you pushed a button in the back. Of course I saw all the way to Florida when she was showing me... But she is married. And I know she is known to have extra-maritial office affairs. And believe me, she is extremely attractive and young BUT legal (23)

But I still don't cave in. I don't do that to the people I love. Nor would I want to be in her husbands shoes ever. Karma sucks.

So I have/am in such situation. Daily.

Kevin · Jan 29, 2006, 11:39 AM

Originally Posted by wdlove

I would say that being faithful to your marriage is very important. Nothing wrong with having a female friend. As long as you are just friends then there shouldn't be a problem.

And not just marriage either. I would say it was just as important if you are seriously dating someone.

Hash · Jan 29, 2006, 11:39 AM

Originally Posted by wdlove

I would say that being faithful to your marriage is very important. Nothing wrong with having a female friend. As long as you are just friends then there shouldn't be a problem.

Yes, that was good. Being friends - thats what I want. When I studied at a college, I had few female friends, one was especially close - but never anything sexual, pure friendship. We always used to meet and chat, even spent nights in one room - people used to think we have a relationship, but they were completely wrong. That girl was attractive too, though not in a same way as my executive assistant. She was a dreamy girl with a lot of superstition beliefs. My assistant is razor sharp, down to earth, cool and very attractive, but SOMETHING sometimes make me feel as I am talking to an ice queen from the tale - she even kinda resembles an ice queen, if you understand what I mean, porcelaine white skin, deep cold eyes, etc

OreoCookie · Jan 29, 2006, 11:40 AM

Originally Posted by Hash

How can I stop seeing my executive assistant?? Besides, I cannot change them every day as gloves. But maybe I do not want to. She is a nice girl and she is good assistant. Girls can be attractive to you, right? When I see her in the office, it makes the day better and the work can be fun - mind you, nothing inappropriate here. Her smile is very nice, I cannot fully describe the feeling. Yet, we both are not romantic teenagers, we both know its only the work which linked us, and it is only a matter of time, when we ll be separated forever - either by the company will, or her graduation, or my movement to some other office. Yet as a human, I cannot help but be attracted to a beautiful, hard working girl, who is trying to reach some personal and career heights. Sometime in the evening, around 5 pm, when there are no more guests and meetings and people start to leave the company, we sit in the office, have a cup of coffee (she prefers tea), and have a nice chat. At that moment, I forget I am her boss and she forgets she is my assistant (maybe, not sure about her). These calm moments something I really treasure. She obviously has a lot of friends, or guys trying to date her, as she is so damn attractive, so sometimes I think how lucky I am to be her boss - obviously, she would never sit and chat with me, if i wasn't her boss, so maybe its perks of the job!

My marital situation has stabilized, thanks God, btw, maybe not fully, but nothing special too.

Well, I can read between the lines.
You are attracted and the only thing holding you back is her

Just be honest to yourself and answer that question: could you hold yourself back if you had the chance?

Nobody can be blamed for being attracted to someone even when you are in a relationship. But having a relationship also means that you have your priorities as well as responsibilities. So if you don't put a stop to it one way or the other, it will end badly. For you. If you don't want to/can't, then accept the responsibilities that come with your choice.

Hash · Jan 29, 2006, 11:41 AM

Originally Posted by Kevin

Pfft.. I have had it happen many times. And I am not even married!

But I am dating someone. It's called restraint.

There is actually a little hotty downstairs that keeps coming in my office doing provocative things. For example, last Christmas she showed me her underwear that played "joy to the world" when you pushed a button in the back. Of course I saw all the way to Florida when she was showing me... But she is married. And I know she is known to have extra-maritial office affairs. And believe me, she is extremely attractive and young BUT legal (23)

But I still don't cave in. I don't do that to the people I love. Nor would I want to be in her husbands shoes ever. Karma sucks.

So I have/am in such situation. Daily.

OK, you are good. Mind you, I am not pushing my assistant buttons in the back..never even touched her hand, btw. But what if that hotty is single?

OreoCookie · Jan 29, 2006, 11:49 AM

Originally Posted by Kevin

Pfft.. I have had it happen many times. And I am not even married!

But I am dating someone. It's called restraint.

There is actually a little hotty downstairs that keeps coming in my office doing provocative things. For example, last Christmas she showed me her underwear that played "joy to the world" when you pushed a button in the back. Of course I saw all the way to Florida when she was showing me... But she is married. And I know she is known to have extra-maritial office affairs. And believe me, she is extremely attractive and young BUT legal (23)

But I still don't cave in. I don't do that to the people I love. Nor would I want to be in her husbands shoes ever. Karma sucks.

So I have/am in such situation. Daily.

The situation is different: you're not in love with your hottie, while he is.

It makes a big difference. If you don't love the person, you usually don't have to use restraint. At least I don't. Most of the time

But if you are in love, then it's a lot more difficult. On the other hand, if you're an adult, you (edit: not you personally) are supposed to have a certain degree of maturity to deal with these things.

Artful Dodger · 11:57 AM

No kids, right? Then i say take it to her hole like my man Malik Sealy. Most women are meant to be replaced anyway. And EFF your corporation....don't be a corportate marionette. Do what you will. There are no rules in love and war.

ps: never listen to anything wdlove says about this sort of stuff. Your penis will hate you.

Kevin · Jan 29, 2006, 11:51 AM

Originally Posted by Hash

OK, you are good. Mind you, I am not pushing my assistant buttons in the back..never even touched her hand,

I didn't push the button, she did. She just pulled the back of her pants and panties far enough for me to see more than I needed to. On purpose. And believe me, it was very tempting.

btw. But what if that hotty is single?

Actually at the time I THOUGHT she was. It wasn't till after that incident did I begin to ask around.

And it's irrelevant as I am not "single" I mean I am not married. But I am in a steady relationship. I do believe in monogamy.

Now if I was single, and she was single. That would be hard.

Kevin · Jan 29, 2006, 11:51 AM

Hamsternated!

Hash · Jan 29, 2006, 11:51 AM

Originally Posted by OreoCookie

Well, I can read between the lines.
You are attracted and the only thing holding you back is her

Just be honest to yourself and answer that question: could you hold yourself back if you had the chance?

You mean could I stop myself from dating her if she allowed? Man, I do not know. Did you ever tried to answer such a question yourself: if you met Miss America and she would like to date you, could you stop yourself? See, i am in similar situation. But it helps that I am not thinking of dating her and she probably would not allow anyway. I tell you she's not a romantic chick at ALL - she is razor sharp ice queen going to get MBA who probably will climb corporate ladder faster than a rocket. To be honest, I would not want to be her subordinate, she's that cool, to that degree, in all meanings of the word cool.

Kevin · Jan 29, 2006, 11:53 AM

Originally Posted by OreoCookie

The situation is different: you're not in love with your hottie, while he is.

I could easily fall for her if I let myself. He let himself. He shouldn't have really.

It makes a big difference. If you don't love the person, you usually don't have to use restraint. At least I don't. Most of the time

But if you are in love, then it's a lot more difficult. On the other hand, if you're an adult, you (edit: not you personally) are supposed to have a certain degree of maturity to deal with these things.

Oh I know the girl well. Again, she visits me daily.

Originally Posted by Artful Dodger

Most women are meant to be replaced anyway.

Hash · Jan 29, 2006, 11:57 AM

Originally Posted by OreoCookie

The situation is different: you're not in love with your hottie, while he is.

It makes a big difference. If you don't love the person, you usually don't have to use restraint. At least I don't. Most of the time

But if you are in love, then it's a lot more difficult. On the other hand, if you're an adult, you (edit: not you personally) are supposed to have a certain degree of maturity to deal with these things.

Well, I think I am not in love. I do remember how it feels to be in love and all the pain related to that. No way I am going to repeat all those crazy things we do when we are in love. No way. When back at a college, I had a relationship nightmare, I was even ready to jump from the roof to prove the girl (i loved) my feelings, but fortunately never jumped but it was that bad. I really do not want anything like that again, after so many years of steady life. And even more so with my assistant, who is more rational and cold than a computer (albeit being damn, damn attractive!)

Hash · Jan 29, 2006, 12:08 PM

Originally Posted by BRussell

Hot secretaries are the best. Unfortunately my hot secretary moved on about a year ago, and our new one is like my mom. Actually it's nice having a mom at the office. I'm not sure which one I like better.

It sounds like this one knows how to flirt, she's willing to do so, and she currently has you right where she wants you. Good for her.

Where did you find anything related to flirt? Tea at 5 pm?

OreoCookie · Jan 29, 2006, 01:21 PM

Originally Posted by Hash

You mean could I stop myself from dating her if she allowed? Man, I do not know. Did you ever tried to answer such a question yourself: if you met Miss America and she would like to date you, could you stop yourself? See, i am in similar situation. But it helps that I am not thinking of dating her and she probably would not allow anyway. I tell you she's not a romantic chick at ALL - she is razor sharp ice queen going to get MBA who probably will climb corporate ladder faster than a rocket. To be honest, I would not want to be her subordinate, she's that cool, to that degree, in all meanings of the word cool.

I think most of us have been down that road. At least I was a few times.
I've made my choice and accepted the consequences. Looks are important, but that has never been an issue, since (no bragging) all of my girlfriends had looks and brains.

It also doesn't matter whether she is romantic or not. All you attention to detail, the way you talk about her, you're in love with her.

Originally Posted by Kevin

I could easily fall for her if I let myself. He let himself. He shouldn't have really.

You cannot control yourself to the degree that you can prevent yourself from falling in love (I'm not talking about a little crush). But you can prevent letting it grow.

Dork. · Jan 29, 2006, 01:27 PM

Originally Posted by Hash

This girl is a bit different, since it was me who promoted her (after an interview and some internal exams). The gifts were something about 400 dollars worth. And I am worried that my gifts may create a wrong impression (in a case of wife)

"internal exam", huh?

400 dollars worth does seem like a lot, but it depends on how long she's been working for you, I suppose. If it's only been a year or two, then I would consider that excessive myself. Then again, I know that assistants can be worth their weight in gold sometimes. In our company, we have administrative assistants who are assigned to a department. While they only really keep the schedule of the department manager, they do perform some administrative duties for everyone in the department. When one retired from my department a year or two ago (after spending her entire career in the company), practically every person she'd ever worked with donated something to a retirement present for her, and the total easily topped $600! I even think that her manager at the time gave her something nice over and above the group present.

But like I said before, the only people whose opinions matter are your boss and your wife. Honesty is the best policy here: make sure that your wife knows how much you're spending and make sure she's OK with that. And if she isn't OK with it, you should respect that and tone it down a bit. If you haven't told her because you're pretty sure she wouldn't approve, well then, you just answered your question about whether you're spending too much, haven't you?

The same goes for your boss, too: sometimes, the appearance of impropriety is enough to sink a career. If any... um... question as to your character comes up, it will likely be up to your boss to evaluate first, and he/she would be much more willing to side with you if there are no suprises (things that he/she doesn't know about your professional relationship) that come up. Like gifts that he/she would deem excessive, for instance.

It's clear that there is a little more going on here than just rewarding good work. As long as you're honest and up-front about it, and remember your responsibilities as a husband and as a manager, you ought to be OK. OreoCookie says that few people can resist the cookie jar. I disagree: anyone in a marriage or a management position simply needs to learn that there are some things they gave up in order to get in that position. It's as simple as that. You won't last very long in that situation unless you can restrain yourself.

dcmacdaddy · Jan 29, 2006, 01:35 PM

Originally Posted by Goldfinger

Bang her on the xerox machine during coffee break.

HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

There is a hot woman at work, 11 years my junior, who I have a similar fantasy about and it involves banging her in our workroom on a pile of new printer cartridge boxes.

I am SO going to hell.

Leia's Left Bun · Jan 29, 2006, 01:36 PM

It sounds like you are really playing around with the idea of flirting with her or even trying to get her to like you on that level.

If you care about your marriage I would cut it back quite a bit.

Dork. · Jan 29, 2006, 01:37 PM

Originally Posted by Artful Dodger

No kids, right? Then i say take it to her hole like my man Malik Sealy. Most women are meant to be replaced anyway. And EFF your corporation....don't be a corportate marionette. Do what you will. There are no rules in love and war.

ps: never listen to anything wdlove says about this sort of stuff. Your penis will hate you.

Is your penis going to find a new job for you once you get fired? How is your penis going to pay off the sexual harassment lawsuit and the alimony? Wait, I don't really think I want to know the answer to that....

BRussell · Jan 29, 2006, 01:39 PM

Originally Posted by Hash

Where did you find anything related to flirt? Tea at 5 pm?

And the smiles. And how you feel about her. I bet it's pretty clear to everyone reading this thread that she's quite deliberately got you wrapped around her little finger.

dcmacdaddy · Jan 29, 2006, 01:40 PM

Originally Posted by Hash

Yup, I never understood too. Yet, I wanna see how you will deal with such situation. A damn attractive nice girl sitting right next your door everyday, one you can call and ask to share a coffee, or have some chat whenever YOU want (not asking her opinion). I wanna see how long you will keep your thinking unchanged.

Well, there you go. Here is your answer. You have "a damn attractive nice girl" who you can "call and ask to share a coffee . . .. whenever YOU want". She is not an object of affection for you, she is an object of possession. If this were about affection and not possession you would not be talking about her in this way.

Try treating her as a "damn attractive" HUMAN BEING.

BlueSky · Jan 29, 2006, 01:47 PM

Originally Posted by dcmacdaddy

Try treating her as a "damn attractive" HUMAN BEING.

There is a hot woman at work, 11 years my junior, who I have a similar fantasy about and it involves banging her in our workroom on a pile of new printer cartridge boxes.

Try fantasizing about banging her as a damn attractive human being?

Kevin · Jan 29, 2006, 01:55 PM

Originally Posted by Leia's Left Bun

It sounds like you are really playing around with the idea of flirting with her or even trying to get her to like you on that level.

If you care about your marriage I would cut it back quite a bit.

dcmacdaddy · 02:20 PM

Originally Posted by BlueSky

Try fantasizing about banging her as a damn attractive human being?

With my co-worker, I am friendly, courteous, and professional with her and treat her like the peer she is. I also happen to have had sexual fantasies about her. Are you suggesting that fantasizing about a woman completely diminishes her humanity? That to fantasize about a woman for things besides her sexuality is acceptable but when fantasies about sexuality come into play it becomes a diminishment of her humanity and hence unacceptable?

Where I see a difference between Hash and myself is that he is doing all his talking about this women in terms of control. His whole explanation has been couched in the superior/subordinate work-based power structure. And when he talks about her outside of that dynamic he still uses the language of control to describe this woman. Me, I have a co-worker who I find sexually attractive. I don't have an interest in dominating her; I don't feel tempted by power to make her do things that I want when I want them done (which I can't). I don't see her as an object of possession.

Well, if you want to get into certain fields of feminist theory we could talk about the female gaze and the gaze of possession. Is that what you were trying to imply my actions were? Possession via glance?

Cody Dawg · Jan 29, 2006, 02:07 PM

My ex, who is an executive with Microsoft, had a "relationship" like that with his secretary.

Only one morning she called me up to tell me about a romantic dinner that they'd had and how she planned "to get him away from me." She told me lurid stories about them, dates, places, things fell into place. He insisted that he'd never slept with her, but he admitted his attraction to her and that was enough for me to say, "Good, now we're going to be single so you can 'explore' your feelings for her." I got a divorce attorney the next day, wished him well, and moved out. We are divorced now, of course, for about 10 years.

The secretary? She got fired from Microsoft about a week later.

It's many years later and my ex remarried about 6 years ago and so did I and I love him and wish him well, but that experience was terrible. Thankfully I met a man that is wonderful and even my ex likes him - they golf when he comes to town to visit our son or pick him up - but what a shitty experience all of that was.

Do what you want. But you need to think long and hard about how much your marriage means to you. I'm not saying fire that personal assistant. But if you love your wife and the attraction is that strong then you should consider transferring her.

Good luck.

OreoCookie · Jan 29, 2006, 02:12 PM

Originally Posted by Cody Dawg

My ex, who is an executive with Microsoft, had a "relationship" like that with his secretary.

Only one morning she called me up to tell me about a romantic dinner that they'd had and how she planned "to get him away from me." She told me lurid stories about them, dates, places, things fell into place. He insisted that he'd never slept with her, but he admitted his attraction to her and that was enough for me to say, "Good, now we're going to be single so you can 'explore' your feelings for her." I got a divorce attorney the next day, wished him well, and moved out. We are divorced now, of course, for about 10 years.

The secretary? She got fired from Microsoft about a week later.

It's many years later and my ex remarried about 6 years ago and so did I and I love him and wish him well, but that experience was terrible. Thankfully I met a man that is wonderful and even my ex likes him - they golf when he comes to town to visit our son or pick him up - but what a shitty experience all of that was.

Do what you want. But you need to think long and hard about how much your marriage means to you. I'm not saying fire that personal assistant. But if you love your wife and the attraction is that strong then you should consider transferring her.

Good luck.

Nicely put

Apparently you got your priorities straight.

Hash · Jan 29, 2006, 02:23 PM

Originally Posted by Dork.

"internal exam", huh?

400 dollars worth does seem like a lot, but it depends on how long she's been working for you, I suppose. If it's only been a year or two, then I would consider that excessive myself. Then again, I know that assistants can be worth their weight in gold sometimes. In our company, we have administrative assistants who are assigned to a department. While they only really keep the schedule of the department manager, they do perform some administrative duties for everyone in the department. When one retired from my department a year or two ago (after spending her entire career in the company), practically every person she'd ever worked with donated something to a retirement present for her, and the total easily topped $600! I even think that her manager at the time gave her something nice over and above the group present.

But like I said before, the only people whose opinions matter are your boss and your wife. Honesty is the best policy here: make sure that your wife knows how much you're spending and make sure she's OK with that. And if she isn't OK with it, you should respect that and tone it down a bit. If you haven't told her because you're pretty sure she wouldn't approve, well then, you just answered your question about whether you're spending too much, haven't you?

The same goes for your boss, too: sometimes, the appearance of impropriety is enough to sink a career. If any... um... question as to your character comes up, it will likely be up to your boss to evaluate first, and he/she would be much more willing to side with you if there are no suprises (things that he/she doesn't know about your professional relationship) that come up. Like gifts that he/she would deem excessive, for instance.

It's clear that there is a little more going on here than just rewarding good work. As long as you're honest and up-front about it, and remember your responsibilities as a husband and as a manager, you ought to be OK. OreoCookie says that few people can resist the cookie jar. I disagree: anyone in a marriage or a management position simply needs to learn that there are some things they gave up in order to get in that position. It's as simple as that. You won't last very long in that situation unless you can restrain yourself.

We've been working together for few months. Gifts were made for Christmas (and on occasion of finishing a very important project, for which she made excellent contribution which really saved my a**) and on occasion of a corporate party (Dior cosmetics). She really made excellent job and I wanted to reward her. My boss is I think is happy as far as our projects are going well; I do not report to him everyday and I bet he gives *** about my 5 pm tea chat with my assistant. However, I agree that if there is something tarnishing corporate image, then he would not hesitate for a second. The question is whether smiles of my assistant and our tea chats are a damage to the corporate image

And I do not intend to have it evolve further.. though deep inside I would not maybe refuse..but I am far from being sure she ever would permit any kind of private attention.

From purely business point of view, things have been upbeat since her arrival to office and she is an excellent organizer. The previous one has not been that effective though she was much more experienced. People, calm down, after all, you can have a coffee with an attractive woman without being prosecuted, can't you?