[Big Mac]

These deadlines I have are really depressing me. Anyone have a good joke?

[version]

What's the difference between a computer and a woman?

You only have to punch the information into a computer once

Pretty mad joke, but hope it raises an eyebrow.

[Doofy]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

----------

A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops."
At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he asks another native when the drumming will stop. The native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when the drumming stops," he says, and hurries off.

After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveller is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts "What happens when the drumming stops?!!"

"Bass solo."

[Super Mario]

Originally Posted by Big Mac

These deadlines I have are really depressing me. Anyone have a good joke?

The joke is you going on the internet when you have deadlines

[wallinbl]

Want to laugh and cry?

http://www.kuro5hin.org/?op=displays.../10/151019/980

[cjrivera]

Originally Posted by version

You only have to punch the information into a computer once

I guess you're not talking about a Windows machine....

[version]

Originally Posted by cjrivera

I guess you're not talking about a Windows machine....

lmao, if it was windows I'd be beating the sh!t out of it

[wdlove]

I wish you all the best with successfully meeting your deadline Big Mac. Just take it one step at a time.

[olePigeon]

A baby seal walks into a club.

[Velocity211]

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead people...I don't have a Ferrari in my garage. (Yes it is sick and wrong but, that's the only joke I know )

[Chuckit]

A man is making out with a girl on a date. After a while of making out, he tries to put his hand in her pants. The girl stops and slaps him.

"It's very presumptuous of you to think I'll let you do that on the first date," she says.

The man looks surprised. "Don't you think 'presumptuous' is a big word for a 10-year-old?"

[Rumor]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

[The Internet]

[Madison]

A man is walking down the produce aisle of the supermarket when he sees a beautiful blonde approaching him. He starts to think "I know her, but WHERE do I know her from?". She walks right up to him and says "I know you, you're the father of one of my kids!".

He wracks his brain and cannot think of ever cheating since he was married, then, remember his bachelor party night, he says to her "Oh yeah, you're the stripper from my bachelor party, didn't I bend you over the table and split you in two while yor partner shoved a carrot stick up my ass?"

The lady responds "No, I'm your son's 3rd grade teacher"



-----------------------------------------------------

What do 100,000 abused women have in common? They just don't listen! (Yeah I know, horrible, oh well).

-----------------------------------------------------

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you've already told her twice.



Enjoy.

Tom

[DigitalEl]

Since the gloves are off...

Q: What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

A: A washing machine doesn't ruin your life after you put a load in it.

(Jokingly sez the happily married father of two)

They's just jokes, people!

[d4nth3m4n]

<body of joke>





</body of joke>






...wait for it






...wait for it











...3 Brazilian soldiers.

[turtle777]

-t

[Angelo78]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face
is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

--------------------------------------------------

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from
the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all
over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink
this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out
of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought
I'd gone deaf."

--------------------------------------------------

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" ! he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim, But where's my
husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident
at the Guinness brewery.."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. You husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee"

--------------------------------------------------

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary
my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he
have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, "He said, 'Please
Mary, put down that damn gun.'

--------------------------------------------------

AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic church. enters a confessional booth,
sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally the Priest
pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use
knockin; there's no paper on this side either."

[Spliffdaddy]

Why do women have small feet?

So they can stand closer to the sink.
-----------------------------------------------------

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?

Made her chain to long.
-----------------------------------------------------

Why was the woman crossing the road?

Who cares? What was she doing out of the kitchen?

---------------------------------------------------

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

---------------------------------------------------------

[James L]

Originally Posted by Chuckit

A man is making out with a girl on a date. After a while of making out, he tries to put his hand in her pants. The girl stops and slaps him.

"It's very presumptuous of you to think I'll let you do that on the first date, and besides, my friends all say you are a pedophile." she says.

The man looks surprised. "Pedophile? Don't you think pedophile is a big word for a 9 -year-old?"

Edited to the variation that I heard.