[hart]

here's the tale of woe: my grandmother died this week which on the face of it would be a no-brainer, clearly I should go to the funeral.

but it's a little more complicated. My family is sort of estranged from that side of the family and it's finally been confirmed that yes, my side of the family was disinherited, not for anything in particular, just for not being the favorites. I've always known that was pretty definite and tried to maintain contact with them anyway but haven't visited in several years as it's a fair distance away.

On top of this I'm having some serious personal problems at the moment of the marital and financial kind and I'm going nuts with anxiety trying to keep everything afloat. A whirlwind weekend trip to a funeral six hours away is not exactly what I had planned for this weekend. I'd also have to bring my three kids who are OK with going but they're not exactly the calmest kids. It would be an exhausting adventure.

On the other hand, my mother would like someone to hold her hand in the face of her disapproving family. She actually offered to pay the hotel bill so we'd be there to keep her company. My sister is definitely not going as she feels seriously insulted by the way they've treated us over the years.

I don't really know what I want to do. I'm not wild about going but I also feel like it's sort of a good karma thing to go. Then again I could send a big arrangement and a well-worded note. So I'm just tossing it out to see what you guys have to say. I'd appreciate it if you keep the insults and derogatory remarks to a minimum. Thanks.

[Dakar]

Go for your mother and to show everyone else that disheritance is not a reason for you to snub the dead.

[KeriVit]

I was in a similar situation a few years back. I feel better having gone.

I could explain the whole situation if that would help. But let's just say sometimes it's not about you or your grandmother. Funerals are for the living, your mother needs you. You will be the bigger person and that says a lot.

[Sherman Homan]

I have been to more funerals than I would have liked. Go. You have to rise above family insults. In my humble opinion, you just have to do better than others. It is not easy, but years from now it will have mattered.

For whatever it is worth, I lost my grandmother 15 years ago and I miss her to this day. I am sorry for your loss and for the struggle it puts you through.

[turtle777]

Do you absolutely have to bring the kids ?

If you are on a tight budget, that would not help.

-t

[Oisín]

I agree with the above posters—go. It might end up being a tough trip with the kids and all, but go anyway, for your mother’s sake. Your personal problems will probably continue for a while (they have a bad habit of doing that), but you can only go to this funeral this once, at this one time.

[andi*pandi]

go for your mother, and for you. and if what you say is true, it may be a rare chance for your kids to meet cousins etc. It's not likely their generation will share the same grudges/attitudes as their elders.

sorry for your loss.

[finboy]

Originally Posted by andi*pandi

go for your mother, and for you. and if what you say is true, it may be a rare chance for your kids to meet cousins etc. It's not likely their generation will share the same grudges/attitudes as their elders.

sorry for your loss.

I say go for everyone else, and go because you loved your Gmom. If the kids are young, they don't need to go (under 10) although some folks will challenge you on that.

[brassplayersrock²]

the grieving phase after a death is the biggest let loose one can have. you might not even start crying over her death, something completly unrealated. and you know what?> it will feel good, you will feel better, you will feel reguvanated, and ontop of everything else, your mom and you will have an even stronger bond because you will be there holding her hand and crying side to side, maybe even holding onto eachother for comfort. you need to go more then you even know

[Millennium]

Honestly, Hart, I would go, for your mother if for no other reason. She needs you, and if she's really willing to pay for the hotel and such then it doesn't sound as though it should exacerbate your financial problems. Honestly, you may want to pay for a room for her at the hotel as well: you might be surprised how much of a relief this can be.

As for your marital problems, how would this harm things? If your wife is upset over the idea of you going to your grandmother's funeral, then the situation is already bad enough that going won't hurt it any worse, so you shouldn't let that stop you from going.

[alligator]

You will only have one chance to go. I say go.

[mitchell_pgh]

If you want to go pay your respects to your grandmother... GO.

Don't let anyone stop you. If you don't want to go, don't. The only think you should be thinking about is the relationship between you and your grandmother.

[Zeeb]

I don't know what kinda financial problems you're having but if going to this funeral means you won't be able to pay the rent, don't go. The worst that can happen is you'll piss off the family that has already disinherited you and your mother.

The hardest issue here is your Mom, and obviously would prefer you to go with her. I have a feeling you're the good guy in the family who always kinda makes the sacrifice. If your sister isn't going-can she watch the kids?

[hart]

thanks guys. It sounds like the "Go" vote is pretty unanimous. (My sister lives in a different part of the country so she's out for child care.)

Now my mother tells me they want me to sing at the funeral. I haven't sung in public in 20 years but they all remember way back in the day when I used to. Ack!

I was thinking of all the time I spent in her house over the years last night. It really is the passing of an era. It will be sad to think that house that she cared about and the garden she nurtured for 50 years won't be there as a part of our family now. Slowly, one by one, the pieces that make up the past fall away.

[RAILhead]

Go for your Mother.

The End.

[OreoCookie]

Do it.
Show the sort of decency that you don't get from that other branch of your family. Try not to argue at the funeral, say goodbye to your grandmother and help your mother, these are your first priorities.

I don't know what other problems you have, but your mother has offered to pay for the hotel, so that should be fine. It also shows, it's important to her. Your wife should also be able to understand that you would like to go, even if you are not on the best of terms right now.

[Millennium]

Originally Posted by hart

Now my mother tells me they want me to sing at the funeral. I haven't sung in public in 20 years but they all remember way back in the day when I used to. Ack!

If you don't think you can sing, then tell them you can't sing. Maybe they'll have enough decency to not push you on this.

[SirCastor]

Like others, I say go. Go because you're a better person than those who disinherited you. Who knows, maybe this will start building roads back together.

Sing if you want to. Otherwise tell them that your singing talent has long since gone.

[Stradlater]

Yup. Go for your mother.