[Doofy]

A real letter, leaked and doing the rounds.

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that they being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised.

In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point.

Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself.

The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking charade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing left to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" - you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

H J Lee
Customer Relations

[Aron Peterson]

Inland Revenue....inland revenue....inland revenue.......oh, I remember them once upon a time.

[Naplander]

Fantastic!

[Sherman Homan]

Pretty good sense of humor for a bureaucrat!

[ghporter]

You got a response from a PERSON!!! And better than that, one with a sense of humor! A-freaking-mazing!

Around here, I might have received a visit from well groomed gentlemen in moderately well-made suits who would ask me questions about my letter that caused the tax folks "some concern about my mental health..." You get the idea.

[Aron Peterson]

Originally Posted by ghporter 

You got a response from a PERSON!!! And better than that, one with a sense of humor! A-freaking-mazing!

In Britain you are assigned to a tax officer. Every letter you get is always signed by the same person. You can phone them up too and give them a headache.

[Eriamjh]

Must be British. The British can have a rather masterful use of the English language.

"...endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat."

[Angus_D]

Old.

[Doofy]

Originally Posted by Aron Peterson 

In Britain you are assigned to a tax officer. Every letter you get is always signed by the same person. You can phone them up too and give them a headache.

Strange thing there.

If you owe the government money (say, the local council offices for your community charge) then there's a vast call centre chock full of personnel with their fingers hovering over the "answer call" button, ready to take your details and money.

If the government owes you money, then there's Edna, who works out of the broom closet. Who's on break until the next time you call. Then she's on lunch. Then she's out of office because she's got to take her King Charles spaniel to the vets.

Strange how that works, no?