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alligator · Apr 30, 2007, 08:54 PM

I have a problem with my kids and I'm not sure how to handle it.

My older son was offered a chance to attend a summer school class for kids with high potential. My younger son, only a year younger than his brother, was not offered a chance to attend.

I think the only reason he was not offered the chance to attend is because he's quiet in class.

What do people do when siblings are so close in age? How do you handle the disappointment when one can't do what the other can? I don't want the youngest to have a complex growing up.

Surely someone here has a close sibling they've competed against . . . ?

Railroader · 12:17 AM

My brother and I simply got tired of competing in the same things and decided to venture into different interests. I played football, he ran cross country. I wrestled, he played basketball. We both were in track, but he was a distance runner and I pole vaulted and ran hurdles. I went into engineering/design, he went into business/marketing. We are about 18 months apart, but he was always small for his age and I was always larger.

We learned that we could not do the same things because one of us would be eventually pissed off.

We had some serious fist fights over women though. There's still some hard feelings there.

Laminar · May 1, 2007, 12:19 AM

Well you could do what the Asians do and tell him he's worthless unless he succeeds.

Big Mac · May 1, 2007, 12:40 AM

You should add a smiley to that post unless you're serious, in which case you need to reread what you just posted in the girlfriend thread.

There's a pretty substantial age difference between my younger brother and me. I get concerned at times when he tries to compare his accomplishments with mine. In our case it's absurd for my brother to be down on himself for not doing as much as I do because of the age gap between us and, more importantly, because we excel at different things. That's what I try to tell him. Siblings will naturally compare themselves to one another, no matter what age spread you're looking at. I think the important thing to tell your sons is that they're brothers but they're also unique, and there's no reason for them to be overly competitive. They should try to accept who they are individually and how they can complement each other's positive attributes. If your younger son is disappointed that he wasn't asked to be in the program (are you sure it isn't restricted to the higher grades?), he can do things to try to qualify next year. But he should only do if the desire is intrinsic, rather than out of a desire to be on par with his brother.

Laminar · May 1, 2007, 12:51 AM

Originally Posted by Big Mac

You should add a smiley to that post unless you're serious, in which case you need to reread what you just posted in the girlfriend thread.

About bypassing the swear filter?
I was hoping it was over-the-top enough that it would be obious. Hopefully this won't turn into another Dakar and Kevin thing.

Buckaroo · May 1, 2007, 12:56 AM

Tell the youngest one, that his chance will come next year when he is the same age as the oldest.

iMOTOR · May 1, 2007, 01:56 AM

Originally Posted by Railroader

ran urdles.

i ran urdles too!!1!

Kevin · May 1, 2007, 05:38 AM

Originally Posted by Laminar

About bypassing the swear filter?
I was hoping it was over-the-top enough that it would be obious. Hopefully this won't turn into another Dakar and Kevin thing.

http://www.extension.iastate.edu/Pub...ns/PM1789D.pdf

mac128k-1984 · May 1, 2007, 07:20 AM

Tell him the truth, that he didn't speak up enough, disappointment is always a bad thing and it could be used as motivation for him to get out of his his comfort zone.

Not to sound cold but life has a lot of disappointments and the sooner he learns to deal with them the better he's going to be. I'm not saying throw him to the wolves but this could be a great example of a life lesson for him.

Sealobo · May 2, 2007, 11:41 PM

competition is good. i am sure everyone has some sort of comparative advantage and we should all leverage at what we do best. don't over-protect your kids, it's really bad for them.

Railroader · May 3, 2007, 12:16 AM

Originally Posted by iMOTOR

i ran urdles too!!1!

Glad I could make you smile.

Dakarʒ · May 9, 2007, 07:16 AM

Originally Posted by Laminar

About bypassing the swear filter?
I was hoping it was over-the-top enough that it would be obious. Hopefully this won't turn into another Dakar and Kevin thing.

Bypassing where?

And when did understanding humor become a serious forum sub-plot?

mdc · May 9, 2007, 08:11 AM

Originally Posted by mac128k-1984

Tell him the truth, that he didn't speak up enough, disappointment is always a bad thing and it could be used as motivation for him to get out of his his comfort zone.

Not to sound cold but life has a lot of disappointments and the sooner he learns to deal with them the better he's going to be. I'm not saying throw him to the wolves but this could be a great example of a life lesson for him.

I agree with this post. He might be a bit disappointed hearing the truth, but at the end of the day he will know why he wasn't chosen and next time he'll be aware of what he shouldn't do.

Laminar · May 9, 2007, 08:52 AM

Originally Posted by Dakarʒ

Bypassing where?

And when did understanding humor become a serious forum sub-plot?

At that point I had just posted in the girlfriend thread about Captain Obvious bypassing the swear filter, so I'm confused as to what Big Mac was referring to. And it because a subplot after like 5 pages of the girlfriend thread were dedicated to it.

Dakarʒ · May 9, 2007, 09:02 AM

Originally Posted by Laminar

And it because a subplot after like 5 pages of the girlfriend thread were dedicated to it.

I'd believe that if 5 page arguments were uncommon. And that implies that this is some kind of concerted effort by people to be difficult.

Laminar · May 9, 2007, 09:46 AM

Well now that we've discussed it specifically, can it become a subtopic?

cenutrio · May 11, 2007, 05:23 PM

Three brothers, we average 10 1/2 months of difference. I know, mom was a tough woman.

Mid brother, prosailor, world/european champ, olympian, he even sank nearby England last summer during the Volvo Ocean Race. Remains single (but surrounded with hot looking chicks, that i can probe).

Younger brother, always knew what he wanted to achieve in life (make lot's of money and retire soon, may be teaching later but as a pay back), got his MBA at University of Chicago 4 years ago, hired by FBCS bank, promoted to VP in 3 years. Now he is a VP at the Deutsch Bank, he will marry in 6 weeks.

I'm the oldest, huge sailing fanatic, but not that good (I was national team though), but I knew I would never make it into the olympics. Degree in Biology, MS in Microbiology, PhD. Now I'm a postdoc working in the Netherlands. Sometimes I wonder what the heck I'm doing with my life (35 years old, single, no many prospects really). They say I'm the smart one but for wherever reason I fail to find my long term goals. My last achievement, this week Science rejected me a paper.

More important thing that keeps me going these days (had some bad news lately) is how close I'm to my brothers, grow up with them and we supported each other. Best memories. We never fought for a girl, there were plenty around, and to be honest, not much chance with number two around. We fought though, but for important reasons such as racing ;-)

At those ages, there are more important things than studying/working, but my parents always trust to ask what our opinions were. They are brothers, they want the best for both and they can be more understanding than you may expect. Put the topic on the table, and let them figure out what's best.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck.

turtle777 · May 11, 2007, 05:58 PM

Originally Posted by alligator

Surely someone here has a close sibling they've competed against . . . ?

My brother and I are 1 year apart, I'm the older.
Needless to say, up until when we were in our teens, there was always a lot of competition, and my brother always sought to be as successful as I was.

Interesting enough, up until graduation in High School, I was always better in school and academics than him, he was more interested in music. At some point, my parents really worried what would become of him. And then, suddenly, after High School, he started showing interest in academics. Ever since then, he has excelled in College, now attending an Ivy League School for his graduate degree.

My point is: it's far to early to judge kids in their teens. So much can change. Nothing is determined yet.
Everyone has talents and is good at something. Your younger son should find that area, and you should support him in that.

-t

madagaska · May 11, 2007, 11:42 PM

My sister and I had a really rough time in our relationship in our teens. I am the younger one and I idolised my big sister as she seemed to have it all. The best thing that my parents did was to really encourage our differences and teach me to see her for being as human as I am... after a large number of tough years we couldn't do without each other and I am delighted to be completely different.

- - e r i k - - · May 13, 2007, 06:18 PM

MacNN Lounge - THE place to go for all your child-rearing needs.

Originally Posted by Laminar

Well you could do what the Asians do and tell him he's worthless unless he succeeds.

JoshuaZ · May 14, 2007, 04:01 AM

Originally Posted by - - e r i k - -

MacNN Lounge - THE place to go for all your child-rearing needs.

Only an issue if he's the oldest son. The younger ones can slack off, as there is no obligation to the family. Its good to be son #2. (Or so I've seen)

hart · May 14, 2007, 09:28 AM

Originally Posted by mdc

I agree with this post. He might be a bit disappointed hearing the truth, but at the end of the day he will know why he wasn't chosen and next time he'll be aware of what he shouldn't do.

I DISAGREE with this post. First of all, in OP's original post he only said he THINKS that's the reason. So it could be some entirely other reason. Second of all, saying you need to speak up more has an unspoken "like your brother" at the end of it that would, IMHO, be completely counterproductive. That just fuels the original problem. Competition of this sort gives the impression that the kids are competing for something of which there will be only one winner. So once kid number 2 feels he isn't winning at that one thing he may as well give up.

I'm pretty matter-of-fact with my 3 kids that sometimes things aren't fair, that sometimes one kid gets to do something, sometimes another. It doesn't make them feel better at the moment but it's an important point. The follow-up part to that is the importance of acknowledgeing his feelings of dissapointment without either trying to fix them or belittle them. Then move on.

Telling him next year is his chance could be a big trap because he might not get in then either. He may get in but telling him he WILL to make him feel better isn't. Overall, focussing on this event takes energy from focussing on him as an individual and what HIS strong points are. It's really important in my book to relate to each child as an individual, not as a unit in a group that is either better or worse than other units in the group. As much as possible defuse the competition among siblings. Competition will happen anyway so don't throw gasoline on the fire. Each child has to find his own value, his own way and a parent's job is to try to recognize that way and clear the underbrush so the kid can go forward. Make space for your child's strengths.

End lecture #498