[iranfromthezoo]

Okay so I have a weird question for all you married couples. I have been talking with some married guys I know and sex has become a not so regular option with their wife. Two guys have sex only twice a year. I was wondering if you guys have the same issue in your marriage. Also how do you keep the fire alive in a marriage and what is the normal amount of sex per week for a married couple.

I know this is a weird topic and of course being MacNN I'm looking forward to some interesting replies.

[Laminar]

Twice a year? Ouch. That blows.
Or doesn't...

[iranfromthezoo]

I knew I could rely on you Laminar! Haha

[Dave N]

Originally Posted by iranfromthezoo 

Two guys have sex only twice a year.

I'm confused... Are these two guys having sex because their wives won't?

[seanc]

Originally Posted by Dave N 

I'm confused... Are these two guys having sex because their wives won't?

[subego]

Originally Posted by iranfromthezoo 

I have been talking with some married guys I know and sex has become a not so regular option with their wife.

That they would attribute their problems to the institution makes them sound pretty clueless to me.

This makes me conclude their current state of affairs has more to do with being clueless rather than marriage.

[iranfromthezoo]

Originally Posted by Dave N 

I'm confused... Are these two guys having sex because their wives won't?

haha let me clear that up. They only have sex with their wives twice a year. They do not have sex with each other.

[dustrho]

I won't say how often my wife and I have sex, but it's not nearly as often as it was before we got married. We've been married seven years and have two kids, so at least I know my boys work well.

[Sealobo]

the guys are having sex with some other women. they're OK.

[smacintush]

Originally Posted by subego 

That they would attribute their problems to the institution makes them sound pretty clueless to me.

This makes me conclude their current state of affairs has more to do with being clueless rather than marriage.

Nowhere does he say that these guys blame the problem on the "institution of marriage". He is merely stating the situation that these guys are in.

Anywho…

I think that there are many factors that go into why married couple's sex lives wane as time passes. One factor is age. most people get married when they are fairly young and as time passes their natural sex drive may drop a little, though I think this is a fairly minor factor unless the couple is much older.

Also, many (most?) couples get into a rut where they are working, taking care of children, taking care of their homes etc. There is the stress of being in this situation that reduces the libido.

Couples get complacent and lazy about their marriage. When you are young and the relationship is fresh it's easy. Just being apart is an aphrodisiac. When you are married you see each other everyday. Most times it takes an effort to make things exciting.

Then there is the loss of the "illusion" of who your partner really is. When you are married you get to know EVERYTHING about a person. Even the crap you don't wanna know and don't like about them. Often these thing take years to seep out of a person.

Then there is finding the opportunity. Usually by the time you have alone time during the week it is late enough in the evening one or both people are tired and don't really feel like sex. This creates a situation where sex becomes a routine where you you hurry up and "do it" in the bedroom with the door closed with little or no foreplay or romance. Again, many are more adventurous and find times and places to have sex that make things more interesting but not everyone is motivated, creative or interested enough to do that.

Then there is sexual compatibility. Often it takes some time to realize that your spouse is REALLY not into what you are and you REALLY aren't going to convince them otherwise. This is a big one with my wife and me. She would be perfectly happy with having 20 minutes of oral sex (for her, not me) and 10-15 minutes of missionary intercourse every 2 weeks. This don't work for me and I don't think it would work for most men in their mid thirties. To make things worse, I (to be perfectly honest) am a freak. I want sex everyday and I want things that most women won't do, let alone my little small town white-bred woman.

I know there are many, many other variables. This is a fairly complicated issue but I think that these may be the most common reasons.

[Chuckit]

I always warn people about marriage, but they just never listen.

[MacosNerd]

I'll keep the details to myself but I will say its pretty regular and its a whole lot more then twice year - by a long shot.

Lack of intimacy is a sure fire way for the marriage to fizzle out.

[Chuckit]

Originally Posted by MacosNerd 

I'll keep the details to myself but I will say its pretty regular and its a whole lot more then twice year - by a long shot.

Lack of intimacy is a sure fire way for the marriage to fizzle out.

Didn't you just get married recently, or am I thinking of someone else? Because I think the idea is that it's after time.

[irunat2am]

Originally Posted by Dave N 

I'm confused... Are these two guys having sex because their wives won't?

You sir, are the winner of this thread. WINNAAARRRR That was beautiful

[subego]

Originally Posted by smacintush 

Nowhere does he say that these guys blame the problem on the "institution of marriage". He is merely stating the situation that these guys are in.

Of course. I'm playing a hunch.

The "what is the normal amount of sex per week for a married couple" was the tip-in. This is generally not a constructive way of looking at things, and I'm imagining it belies further non-constructive thinking.

[powerbook867]

Twice a year? Wow. I think I would die..

Keeping the wife happy in the sack makes all the difference. If it's not mutually enjoyable, why would the unsatisfied partner bother?

Just for historical reference, been married for 13 year, together for 15..

[powerbook867]

and Dave N wins the award tonight!

[Rumor]

My girlfriend asked me to marry her the other day.

I told her no because I like sex too much.

[ghporter]

In about 30 days, my wife and I will have been married for 28 years. We don't have the "urgency" we often did before we got married, but I'll guarantee that we are not holding out on each other. Our intimacy, both physical and emotional, is an important part of our life, and we work hard on keeping it special and healthy. And as frequent as we can manage, given work schedules, school, and so on. Do your friends happen to mention whether their wives are working? Did they just have kids? Are their schedules at odds (as in she works nights and he works days)? Do they actually still even like each other?

Powerbook pointed out a good part of this-you have to cooperate for anything about being a couple to work, including (maybe especially) sex. Communication is crucial to this; you cannot expect your partner to "know" what you want or need, and he/she can't expect you to know what they want either. You have to talk about it. The one thing I think we do worst in our society is talk about our feelings, especially in relationships.

[MacosNerd]

Originally Posted by Chuckit 

Didn't you just get married recently, or am I thinking of someone else? Because I think the idea is that it's after time.

Not me, I've been married for a while, not a newlywed. Those days are long gone especially after the kids arrived

[ghporter]

Originally Posted by MacosNerd 

Not me, I've been married for a while, not a newlywed. Those days are long gone especially after the kids arrived

Kids do complicate the issue. Raising a kid is hard work for both parents (or should be-guys shouldn't get any slack on this). And there is also the issue of arranging for privacy in a house with small ones; this is often more difficult than finding time when you're not too tired. This is where your support network comes in. Arrange dates and get to be a couple again while the kids get to enjoy time with aunts and uncles or grand parents and they get to enjoy the kids. That's important for the couple-very important.

[powerbook867]

Originally Posted by MacosNerd 

Not me, I've been married for a while, not a newlywed. Those days are long gone especially after the kids arrived

We set a drop dead time every night of 9. We've been really bad of late going out on dates, but we just re-lo'd to a new city/bought a new house in the past 2 years (away from immediate family at that).

GH nailed it though. Raising kids properly is a TON of work. My daughter watches TV about 45 minutes a week (not in her room), internet is only when we are right there and is limited..get them reading early! We just got her a DS for xmass and that has been a challenge, but it doesn't leave our sight.

Back to topic. That house has to be pretty tense if they are only having sex 2 times a year. I'm picturing American Beauty tense..

We try and talk a lot and just keep everything going as smooth as you can. Having a sense of humor helps..

[Oisín]

I'm picturing American Beauty tense...

That would be why the husbands are off having sex with each other, then.

(Oh, hang on, that was the neighbour...)

[goMac]

I award this thread the "More Than I Needed To Know" award.

[AngelaBaby]

You should be having sex multiple times a week. Twice a year? That's sad.

[Shaddim]

Sex? It happens fairly often in this house (pretty much daily), and sometimes I can even get in on it.

[Dakar the Fourth]

Originally Posted by Shaddim 

Sex? It happens fairly often in this house (pretty much daily), and sometimes I can even get in on it.

You really should have your pets spayed or neutered.

[KeriVit]

So, no one is giving concrete numbers here....

[Shaddim]

Originally Posted by Dakar the Fourth 

You really should have your pets spayed or neutered.

You try it, these pets have some pretty sharp claws.

So, no one is giving concrete numbers here...

Numbers? Well, I'm not involved in a traditional marriage, but I'd guess 4-5 times /week.

[driven]

My wife and I found that we were too busy and by the time we got a break we were just too tired. We started scheduling time for each other in our planners. That works brilliantly.

[torsoboy]

Originally Posted by Shaddim 

Numbers? Well, I'm not involved in a traditional marriage, but I'd guess 4-5 times /week.

Those numbers seem pretty high... after six years ours has leveled out to around 1-3 times a week. Maybe it's different for married people without kids, but that is where we're at with 2 kids.

[Stogieman]

Originally Posted by driven 

My wife and I found that we were too busy and by the time we got a break we were just too tired. We started scheduling time for each other in our planners. That works brilliantly.

"Honey, can you schedule me in for a nooner next Friday?"

[Sijmen]

How about this book?

It's good read.

[Dakar the Fourth]

Originally Posted by Shaddim 

You try it, these pets have some pretty sharp claws.

Well played, well played...

[ghporter]

Originally Posted by Stogieman 

"Honey, can you schedule me in for a nooner next Friday?"

That's kind of crass. For us it's more like "let's set aside some time this Friday-maybe go out to dinner, just the two of us." Things develop from there. It's more preventing other stuff from getting in the way than "scheduling sex." Maybe you'd call it "anti-scheduling."

[osiris]

Twice a year? Something is wrong with those marriages.

Seek marriage counseling, buy some sex toys - do something if it's worth it.

[vexborg]

Originally Posted by dustrho 

I won't say how often my wife and I have sex, but it's not nearly as often as it was before we got married. We've been married seven years and have two kids, so at least I know my boys work well.

Same here, I'm married and my wife and I are not having as much sex as before we got married...

[ebuddy]

I'd say twice a week.

Another problem with marriage and sex is that both people become somewhat "domesticated". They let their appearance get away from them a bit. To be clear, you may still be attracted to her, but she may not find herself attractive or "sexy". It's strange, but women have to feel sexy to be sexual. When you have sex, she has to feel like an absolute goddess.

- if the problem is you, work out more. Try to occassionally lift weights, walk, run, etc... this is good for libido and it makes you feel sexy and therefore more sexual.

- if the problem is your spouse, try to go out of your way to make them feel sexy. I've talked to male friends of mine and they've gotten into "role" ruts. No woman feels sexy only caring for children, washing clothes and dishes, and house-cleaning. Take on a great deal of those responsibilities. Find out what makes your spouse "tick". Is it flowers? Affection and "cuddling"? Is it getting things done around the house and/or helping with the daily mundane? Try it, seriously! The reciprocation can be amazing.

I'm no Dr. Phil and I'm very fortunate that my wife and I have always had a relatively active life in this regard. Even so... a couple of times a week is realistic for loving partners, particularly those in two-career households with children. A couple times a year is tragic and something is clearly wrong. They have to break the "role" ruts.

[ort888]

We went from doing it like rabbits to doing it about once ever week or two. I would like more, but she has mellowed out a lot in that department.

It wasn't marriage though. Marriage had no effect whatsoever, since we had already been living with each other for about 4 years. I think over time some of the newness just wears off. You get out of the honeymoon phase or whatever.

I can live with once a week... but a once or twice year??? Yikes.

[wallinbl]

Amazon.com: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate: Books: Gary Chapman

[driven]

Originally Posted by ghporter 

That's kind of crass. For us it's more like "let's set aside some time this Friday-maybe go out to dinner, just the two of us." Things develop from there. It's more preventing other stuff from getting in the way than "scheduling sex." Maybe you'd call it "anti-scheduling."

Thanks for articulating that better than I did.

[Chongo]

Damon Wayans said in one of his routines(paraphrasing) "I thought after was I married mast****ing would be a thing in the past. Now I need to do it more than when I was single"

[Laminar]

Originally Posted by torsoboy 

Those numbers seem pretty high... after six years ours has leveled out to around 1-3 times a week. Maybe it's different for married people without kids, but that is where we're at with 2 kids.

I don't think you understood when he said that he's not in a traditional marriage. Most traditional marriages don't involve 3 people.

[Dakar the Fourth]

You sir, haven't been to Utah.

[osiris]

Utah rules.

[Dakar the Fourth]

Yes it does.

[Shaddim]

Originally Posted by Laminar 

I don't think you understood when he said that he's not in a traditional marriage. Most traditional marriages don't involve 3 people.

It's not all it's hyped up to be. Often they're wrapped up in each other and I'm not included. That's usually a good thing, though. I always have several projects that I need to attend to. Even our closest friends think it must be a "3-way party" every day, but that's just not the case. In this type of relationship you have to live in a state of perpetual compromise, balance and conversation are key.


Yikes, that image is terrifying. I'm glad I was clipped.

[Dakar the Fourth]

Originally Posted by Shaddim 

Yikes, that image is terrifying. I'm glad I was clipped.

The terrifying part is that the woman doesn't look all that old for having spawned a townsworth of kids.

[Rumor]

[invisibleX]

I love the one with the Mcdonald-arch. The one two over to the left looks like an apple logo.