[Tiresias]

I read this one the other day in a book on neuropsychiatry prefacing a definition of humour.

A man places a brown paper bag on the bar.

"Hello," says the bartender. "What's in the bag?"

The man opens the bag and pulls out a twelve-inch pianist. The pianist starts playing a Chopin nocturne.

"Holy crap!" says the bartender. "That the smallest man I've seen in my entire life. Wow! Where'd you get him?"

The man produces a silver lamp.

"I rubbed this and made a wish. I'll let you make one too if you stand me a beer.

"Hell yeah," says the bartender. He pulls a beer and places it on the bar. He takes the lamp, closes his eyes, and rubs it.

Suddenly, the bar is filled with ducks. Thousands upon thousands of ducks.

"Hey," shouts the bartender over the din of quacking. "What the hell is up with all these ducks!? I asked for a million bucks!"

The man drinks calmly from his free beer.

"What, you think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

This one was in A Brief History of Flattery by R. Stengel.

Two priests enter a church. The elder knees before the alter and says,

"Lord, I am nothing."

He stands, and nods to the younger priest. The younger priest knells before the alter and says,

"Lord, I am nothing."

They begin to make their way out of the church when the church janitor, moved by their pious display, throws down his mop, knees before the alter and says,

"Lord, I am nothing."

"Pfft," says the older priest. "Look who thinks he's nothing."

Your turn.

[olePigeon]

A baby seal walks into a club.

[zro]

Three fathers, one Jewish, one Catholic and one Mormon, were at a bar.

The Jewish father proudly boasts, "I have four daughters. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic father replies, "That's nothing. I have eight sons. One more and I'll have a baseball team."

"I have you both beat," says the Mormon. "I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

[Railroader]

A priest, a Rabbi, and a fishing boat captain walk into a bar, the bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

[residentEvil]

nope, don't know any jokes.

[mdc]

Why do elephants have big ears?

Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.

[rickey939]

None.

[osiris]

Perhaps this thread's title should be changed to "Know any GOOD jokes?"

[Peter]

i was at the cash machine the other day and an old lady came up to me and asked me to check her balance. So i pushed her over.

[Doofy]

[subego]

Oldie but goodie...


What do you do to an elephant with three balls?

 

Walk him, and pitch to the rhino.

[osiris]

[subego]

Originally Posted by Doofy 

[img]

Originally Posted by osiris 

[IMG]

Prop comics.

[Dakar the Fourth]

Ah, yes, the Carrot Tops of the forum.

[osiris]

Bite your tongue. At least I tried.

[subego]

Originally Posted by Dakar the Fourth 

Ah, yes, the Carrot Tops of the forum.

I saw a stand-up take this to the next level and use a PowerPoint presentation.

He also took out a boom box and his iPod, and then did a routine about how the bad music on it defines him as an horrible individual.


To be fair though, both bits were really funny.

[Dakar the Fourth]

Originally Posted by osiris 

Bite your tongue. At least I tried.

Enjoy the taste of failure -- as usual.

[osiris]

Originally Posted by Dakar the Fourth 

Enjoy the taste of failure -- as usual.

Yes, I am familiar with failure. I read your book on the subject.

[Dakar the Fourth]

Originally Posted by osiris 

Yes, I am familiar with failure. I read your book on the subject.

Thanks, I'm glad you allowed me to study your arching history in such depth.

[BlueSky]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, y' know we have a drink named after you!".
The grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?"



Two guys are walking and see a dog licking his own balls. One guy says "I wish I could do that."
The other guy says "Maybe you should pet him first."

[Andrew Stephens]

A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendré

So the barman gave him one.

BEST. JOKE. EVER

[Andhee]

What do you call a sheep on a trampoline?

 

A Wooly Jumper!

[Gankdawg]

The married guys will get this one:


To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you idiot!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

[osiris]

"Morning, Ladies!", said the blind man as he passed the fish market.

[Chuckit]

What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold?

One's a sick duck, and I can't remember the rest, but your mother's a whore.

[BlueSky]

What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a girl's track team?
One of them are a bunch of cunning little runts.

[- - e r i k - -]

A priest walks into a bar.

[- - e r i k - -]

Originally Posted by BlueSky 

What's the difference between a tribe of pygmies and a girl's track team?
One of them are a bunch of cunning little runts.

Ah, the jokes of a cunning linguist.

[zro]

What's the most sensitive part of your body when you masturbate?

 

Your ears.