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Marriage
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Senior User
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Feb 24, 2009, 08:08 PM
 
I am getting married in September of this year. I was wondering if you guys had any marriage advice? What was the preparations to the wedding like? What was your first two years of marriage like? What were/are some struggles? What are some things we can do to make it work?

Also for the dads in here...I was never shown affection by my dad, I know he loves me but he never tells me. He was really an absent dad, not by choice but I don't think he knew what to do. How do you be a good dad? I know I am going to spend a lot of times with my kids because of my schedule and I really want to be a good dad and husband. I just dont know how.
     
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Feb 24, 2009, 08:50 PM
 
You're not marrying Shifuimam, are you? If so, get out while you can.


As for advice, I had a distant absent father and an un-successful first marriage so don't listen to me. But I will say this, make your marriage and your family the most important thing in your life.
One should never stop striving for clarity of thought and precision of expression.
I would prefer my humanity sullied with the tarnish of science rather than the gloss of religion.
     
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Feb 24, 2009, 08:59 PM
 
[Since I know you are a Christian my advice is a little different than for most people]

Wedding advice:
Let your bride make all of the wedding decisions. Unless they are utterly retarded that is. The day is really more for her.

Stop every 15 minutes and just look around. Set a watch alarm or something to remind you. The day can zip by and you'll not have memories of it if you get to caught up. This will also allow you to make sure you talk to everyone who came to see you hitched.

Pray.

Marriage advice:
Have sex, even when you don't want to. Seriously, this is the biggest shock to people after the first couple years of marriage. Your sex life will dwindle. DON'T LET IT! If you are not intimate physically, you won't be intimate emotionally.

Forgive when asked to be forgiven. Do NOT hold onto wrongs.

Don't let friends take over your life.

Spend time praying daily together. Even if it is just meals.

Child Raising advice:
My father and I hugged very little. He's not a touchy-feelly guy. On my wedding day I made sure to hug him hard just once. It was the first hug we had in years. He stiffened up at first, but eventually softened and hugged back. We have not hugged since (11 years).

I hug my kids dozens of times a day. I changed professions to spend time with my kids. I read daily to my kids. I play lego, Thomas the Train, Barbie, and Polly Pockets with my kids. I eat every meal with my kids. I bought memberships to the Children's Museum and Indy Zoo and take my kids monthly even though I don't want to go. When my kids say "why?" I never say "because I said so" or "just because". I answer every question and talk to them like little adults.

Pray.
     
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Feb 24, 2009, 09:07 PM
 
Was I the only one thinking of this when they read the thread title... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sbqv3MwwVd8
2.7Ghz 15" Mid 2012 MBP 16GB RAM 7.2k 750GB HD anti-glare display|64GB iPad4 ATT LTE|
     
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Feb 24, 2009, 09:08 PM
 
Originally Posted by Railroader View Post
Pray.



Spend time praying daily together. Even if it is just meals.



Pray.
Originally Posted by Chuckit
Bible debates/flamewars belong in the PL, folks.

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Feb 24, 2009, 09:17 PM
 
     
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Feb 24, 2009, 09:19 PM
 
Originally Posted by davidflas View Post
Was I the only one thinking of this when they read the thread title... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sbqv3MwwVd8

Is this going to be the "mawwage" clip from The Princess Bride?

Goes to peek...


Edit: yup.
     
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Feb 24, 2009, 09:35 PM
 
Marriage - dont sweat the small stuff - you will learn that sometimes it is easier to give in to your wife and then fight over something stupid.


Kids - dont worry about that - once you see your child for the first time you will know what love really is - you will be a great parent.

"I'm for anything that gets you through the night, be it prayer, tranquilizers, or a bottle of Jack Daniel's."
     
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Feb 24, 2009, 09:43 PM
 
Erik, we get it. You're an atheist who really, really hates Christianity.

However, I don't think Railroader's comments about prayer were remotely inappropriate, given that the OP is a Christian. If he weren't, then yeah - it would be a little silly. But the advice is very relevant. If you don't like it, just move on...it's no different than someone recommending anything else you don't like, like American-made cars or synthetic fabric or non-organic food or God knows what else.

Moving on.

Personally, I'm not big on the "the wedding is the bride's day" philosophy. It annoys me that the groom is pushed aside so much, TBH. When I get married, my fiance is going to be involved in all the decision making, because getting married affects him just as much as it affects me. I'm not interested in being a bridezilla and shoving him into the corner.
     
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Feb 24, 2009, 09:55 PM
 
congrats iranfromthezoo! have fun, and yes, don't sweat the small stuff. It'll be a crazy day, but don't forget the have fun part.
     
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Feb 24, 2009, 09:55 PM
 
Never lie to her. Even if you've done something wrong. No matter how bad whatever you did is, lying to her about it is 10x worse.
     
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Feb 24, 2009, 10:01 PM
 
I would expect that a member can share his thoughts, religious or no, without injecting politics or war into it -- which is what Railroader did.

I also expect civility and tolerance.

Moving on, on topic.
     
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Feb 24, 2009, 10:05 PM
 
All that fun stuff you did before being married - keep that up. Don't fall into a routine - and don't stop the courtship.
     
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Feb 24, 2009, 11:14 PM
 
Originally Posted by shifuimam View Post
Erik, we get it. You're an atheist who really, really hates Christianity.
Wrong. While I am an atheist. I don't HATE Christianity. Nor do I HATE religion. I am simply FOR an open rational discussion about it. That includes criticism.

I think it simply ridiculous that we can't discuss it. So on that point I was defending Railroader's right to talk about religion in the lounge.

MacNN is getting so bloody sanitary these days that all the fun has been taken out of it. The Pol/War was a poor solution to a non-existent problem.

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Feb 24, 2009, 11:35 PM
 
Very detailed pre-nup.
     
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Feb 24, 2009, 11:38 PM
 
So what do you guys do to keep from going to a routine, by the way thanks for all the post about this, I've searched the archives but I think there should be a "fresh" topic.

Do you guys ever second guess yourselves?

I do have some concerns and I honestly do not know how you guys could answer this but these are really my concerns.

In my job I work 24 hours on and then off 48. A schedule that means I'll miss most major holidays and events that people do on the weekend because I am either working a Friday, Saturday or Sunday. Which is okay, because I can take off if I need too. But how can I help her get use to me being at work for 24 hours? How can I make sure she's safe? I meet a lot of people in my job who would like to see me or my family being harmed and I want her to be safe.

Also how do you have your personal, alone time?
     
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Feb 24, 2009, 11:46 PM
 
Here's the one thing you need to remember:

COMMUNICATION

Don't talk to the internet. Talk to each other. Make sure you discuss every problem - big or small. Try to resolve everything. Ask her if she has anything on her mind. Want personal time? Tell your wife. Want to try new things in bed? Bring it up!

Talk about it all.

And always, always remember to surprise her once in a while with something spontaneous. (Good surprises I mean, not letting her walking in on you and your babysitter).

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Feb 25, 2009, 12:06 AM
 
Originally Posted by - - e r i k - - View Post
COMMUNICATION.
Bingo.

I had to learn this the hard way. Talk to her even when you think she might get angry as a result. If you keep the stuff inside, you'll just end up resenting her.
     
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Feb 25, 2009, 08:11 AM
 
For a sound Christian based marriage as RR stated, spending time in the Bible together is needed.
Also being long suffering, that is don't let some of your soon to be spouses irritating habits (and there will be) really bug you.

In sports, they commend quarterbacks, and receivers for having a short memory, that is putting the failures of the prior play out of their memory and moving on. That same concept works great in marriage as well. Rehashing old fights is a no-no

The wedding portion, I'd say if you both decide to go that route, elope. Its cheaper and easier on the nerves
~Mike
     
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Feb 25, 2009, 08:29 AM
 
Originally Posted by Railroader View Post
Wedding advice:
Let your bride make all of the wedding decisions. Unless they are utterly retarded that is. The day is really more for her.
Seriously. I cannot stress this enough. It's just one day, there's absolutely no harm in letting her do it her way. If there are certain things that you feel very strongly about let her know, but don't shoot down her ideas just because you think they're stupid, or meaningless, or wasteful. This advice will save you no end of trouble.

(Yes, I'm speaking having failed to adhere to this guideline as well as I could have. Don't make the same mistake!)

Other than that just make sure to enjoy it. My wedding was seriously the best day of my life.

Oh, and congrats!
     
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Feb 25, 2009, 08:36 AM
 
First of all, congrats!
I'm not married (yet), but a few important things I got from my family:
(1) Have regular meals together. Infinitely more so if you have kids. Kids need a steady rhythm and you will not lose touch with them as quickly. The fondest memories of my childhood are at the breakfast and dinner table, it was always lively, somebody always had to tell something.
(2) My dad is old-style, too, and he was away working for much of my childhood. I also want to be better in that respect. Just do something with your kids regularly, go biking or fishing with your son, etc.
(3) I don't buy into this `oh, let her decide' stuff. If you have a point to make, make it. You shouldn't start needless arguments, though, if you don't care whether the curtains are creme, beige or white (or can't even tell the difference), don't get sucked into the discussion. But if it counts, you should make it count. Your wedding day is not just her day, it's yours, too, by an equal amount.
(4) As Erik said, communication, communication, communication.
(5) Pick your fights wisely.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
     
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Feb 25, 2009, 08:41 AM
 
I posted this on another forum for a guy who was about to have a kid.

health, financial, lifestyle and other advice - from mattyb the father of two kids, one girl (5) and one boy (19 months) who asked his father the same question about 6 years ago.

Health : if you smoke, stop. If you drink to excess slow down. You are now responsible for another human being. The FTW attitude doesn't cut it anymore. Stop sky-diving, flying ultra-lights etc etc. Get rid of the motorcycle. Get a safe car.

Financial : start saving. Put away each month the equivalent of a good meal in a restaurant. Commit yourself for 10 years to doing this - Unit Trusts are good. When the kid is born, open a bank account. Kids clothes are expensive and they don't last long, family members who have had kids should be used as suppliers. Reduce your debts. Build up a safety-fund for the '**** hits the fan' event that will happen.

Lifestyle : you have no more life. You have kids. You have no more hobbies for the next few years. You have kids. You will loose friends. You have kids. Not sure what the attitude is where you are, but I don't let my wife do everything. I change nappies (diapers), I feed my kids. I educate my kids. I play with my kids. I bathe my kids. I take my kids out without my wife. Other fathers that I know, let the mother do everything. What's the point of having kids if you don't interact with them? My family are more important to me than my job, I drop my kids off at school and the nursery. If my boss doesn't like it, then they can fire me - I'll find another job, or two or three if I have to. For me family comes first.

Other advice : don't listen to anyone's advice, including mine. Learn for yourself, its fun at times trying to explain why the sky is blue, or why dogs go woof. There are **** times as well - lots. Seeing your sick child in hospital is the worst thing that I have experienced. Having just cleaned up loads of vomit, changing the sheets, taking a shower at 3am on a -10°C morning is not fun. Doing it at 3am and then at 4am in the same morning is not fun. Cleaning up **** is not fun. Especially from your hair - don't ask. The stress can really get to you. The stress on a couple can really make you think '**** it'. It would be easier to just walk out.

That enough?
     
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Feb 25, 2009, 02:18 PM
 
removed
( Last edited by Luca Rescigno; Feb 25, 2009 at 03:07 PM. )

"That's Mama Luigi to you, Mario!" *wheeze*
     
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Feb 25, 2009, 02:47 PM
 
congrats!

never go to bed angry.
     
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Feb 25, 2009, 03:14 PM
 
Originally Posted by andi*pandi View Post
never go to bed angry.
I've been told that and at times tried to adhere to that philosophy but at times, its not feasible. The bottom line is to not let problems fester but sometimes going to bed and letting emotions calm down is far better then arguing through the night.

Just my $.02

I also forgot to offer my congrats on my earlier post.
~Mike
     
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Feb 25, 2009, 03:33 PM
 
I often congratulate myself on really good posts.
     
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Feb 25, 2009, 03:58 PM
 
Remember to keep her in line or she'll walk all over you. I prefer the back of my hand, but others use a rolled up newspaper.
JUST KIDDING

Best advice is to love and respect each other, and don't get into a rut - don't forget to take nice long walks together, romantic dinners, etc... and bathe regularly.
"Faster, faster! 'Till the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death." - HST
     
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Feb 25, 2009, 03:59 PM
 
Yeah...keep going out on dates long after you're married. That's my plan, at any rate.
     
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Feb 25, 2009, 06:00 PM
 
My advice (that I got from my dad): do NOT, under any circumstances, relent to sleeping on the couch. It doesn't matter how angry he/she is; there's nothing worth giving up the comfort of your sleeping area.
     
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Feb 25, 2009, 07:15 PM
 
Originally Posted by Jawbone54 View Post
My advice (that I got from my dad): do NOT, under any circumstances, relent to sleeping on the couch. It doesn't matter how angry he/she is; there's nothing worth giving up the comfort of your sleeping area.
Unless she snores louder than a thunderstorm.
     
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Feb 25, 2009, 07:16 PM
 
My couch is pretty damned comfortable, actually.
     
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Feb 25, 2009, 07:51 PM
 
Originally Posted by andi*pandi View Post
congrats!

never go to bed angry.
KABOOM!!! This is important. Do not let the sun set on your argument.

Communicate. Often. You got all this? Remember to keep your head down and if you do happen to go to bed and she's still angry, sleep on your stomach.

Seriously I had gone through some marital trouble years ago and I interviewed as many married folks as I could. One elderly woman told me that there will almost invariably be a lu-lu. I mean a biggie. The difference between marriages that succeed and marriages that fail is getting through the lu-lu. I'm not trying to scare you, but to give you a head's up. Communicate through it. Work it out. Too many make a lifelong commitment to one person only to turn around a few years later to make the same lifelong commitment to someone else. It's silliness I say. Silliness. Makes us look bipolar for crying out loud. I'm not suggesting that you maintain a marriage through abuse, but really just about anything else can be worked out if both parties truly want it to work.

People don't "fall out of love" just as you never really "fell into love". Love is not what you read in sappy novels about it hitting you like a rock, etc... Love starts off emotional, but at some point becomes a conscious effort. It is worth every ounce of energy. A lifelong commitment like marriage is bigger than any two individuals and the type of love that sustains is the love built on the advise of all those who've chimed in here. The thrill of the chase, courtship, surprises... these are fun, but they are not eggs, coffee, the newspaper, and looking over your glasses at the woman who used to make your heart skip a beat or take your breath away. There are thousands of women and no matter which one you pick, they all blow their nose, they all wipe their rear-end, they all scream and throw fits, and they all have times when they are not attractive to you.

Flowers are no good to a woman who'd rather you fix the fence, walk the dog, or hold her. Fixing the fence and walking the dog are no good for a woman who wants flowers. Always hold her.

Do that for your wife. Yes, that. Whatever it is. Do not get into a rut. Do not let her feel like a caretaker, a housemaid, or anything drab and dull. There is no ewwww in the sack. Do it. If you don't, there are many men waiting around who will make her feel beautiful up and down. Trust me.

Do not place yourself or your wife in harm's way. No brilliant ideas about live-in friends, gorgeous nannies, 3 nights a week out "with the guys/gals", etc... you're asking for trouble when you're at your absolute weakest point. "What's wrong with you, don't you have any self-control? I don't have a problem with that." Yeah right. I won't bore you with the Biblical premise here, but suffice it to say that it'd behoove you to flee from temptation. If the bar causes you to screw up, leave it. If your job or your workplace causes you to think about screwing up, bail.

Involve your families in the marriage as much as possible and if you are practicing a faith, practice together as early and often as possible. I firmly believe our mutual faith had a great deal to do with the long-term success of our marriage and there were lu-lus.

To close, I'll tell you what the JOP told my wife and I; "if you think getting married is going to somehow magically solve all the problems you might be going through right now, you're wrong."
ebuddy
     
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Feb 25, 2009, 10:28 PM
 
Originally Posted by andi*pandi View Post
congrats!

never go to bed angry.
Cliche.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is say to your wife, "Honey, I'm really upset about XXXXXX. I want to talk about it with you and explain why I am upset. But I'm too tired and emotional to have that conversation right now. I'm going to go to bed and we will talk about this tomorrow when we can both devote the time and attention it needs. I love you."

As others have said, COMMUNICATION is the key. Letting a disagreement or argument wait until the next day is not the end of the world and won't hurt your relationship. Keeping things bottled up and not communicating will.
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Feb 25, 2009, 11:40 PM
 

Now, iranfromthezoo, all kidding aside, run. Run hard, run now, run silent, run deep, run like Mexican water through a first-time tourist, but the key word here is "run!"
Been inclined to wander... off the beaten track.
That's where there's thunder... and the wind shouts back.
     
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Feb 26, 2009, 01:11 AM
 
The wedding is 100% about her.

That is all.
     
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Feb 26, 2009, 01:32 AM
 
Originally Posted by Cipher13 View Post
The wedding is 1,000,000,000% about her.
Fixed.

Originally Posted by paul w
My couch is pretty damned comfortable, actually.
Mine is comfortable, but about 6" too short for my legs to not be propped up awkwardly.

Originally Posted by Andy8
Unless she snores louder than a thunderstorm.
Heh...

She doesn't snore, but every once in a while she "scratches her throat," which actually sounds more like a cross between a loogie hock and a snort. It's a strange sound coming from someone who is so feminine.

Also, kind of on topic: today we had a decent blow-up. She got busted for going 12-over in a residential zone, which is a $300 ticket. We've been trying to save money to knock out her student loan within a year, so she already felt bad, then I decided to chide her for not knowing that a residential zone is always 25 mph, and she should've been more careful (especially since I told her last week to slow down in residential areas). This argument led to another thing, which led to another, and we eventually got into a decent row.

Anyways, after an apology, a tulips arrangement, and a sweet letter, I'm in the clear.

...and she's going to be driving slower.
     
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Feb 26, 2009, 02:02 AM
 
Does she read your posts at NN?

(Better prepare that couch some more )

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Feb 26, 2009, 04:56 AM
 
Originally Posted by Mrjinglesusa View Post

Sometimes the best thing you can do is say to your wife, "Honey, I'm really upset about XXX"
Nice...
     
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Feb 26, 2009, 07:00 AM
 
Originally Posted by Doofy View Post
<Al Bundy IMG>
Now, iranfromthezoo, all kidding aside, run. Run hard, run now, run silent, run deep, run like Mexican water through a first-time tourist, but the key word here is "run!"

"The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield and government to gain ground." TJ
     
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Feb 26, 2009, 08:38 AM
 
Originally Posted by - - e r i k - - View Post
Does she read your posts at NN?

(Better prepare that couch some more )
Ha...no, 'NN is about the only place in my life where I don't live in a glass house.
     
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Feb 26, 2009, 08:50 AM
 
Personal space huh? Until she reads your browser history / top sites

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Feb 26, 2009, 09:12 AM
 
Originally Posted by shifuimam View Post
Yeah...keep going out on dates long after you're married. That's my plan, at any rate.
Wow your boyfriend doesn't mind that. My wife would kill me if I went out on a date

~Mike
     
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Feb 26, 2009, 09:33 AM
 
Dunno why people say 'Don't go to bed angry', making up under the covers can be so much fun.
     
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Feb 26, 2009, 09:44 AM
 
Be your own man.

Don't ever be afraid to have "your own" life and interests.
Being in debt and celebrating a lower deficit is like being on a diet and celebrating the fact you gained two pounds this week instead of five.
     
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Feb 26, 2009, 09:47 AM
 
ok, "don't go to sleep angry."

ebuddy, that was a beautiful post.
     
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Feb 26, 2009, 11:25 AM
 
Originally Posted by Jawbone54 View Post
Ha...no, 'NN is about the only place in my life where I don't live in a glass house.
Ahhh... the joys of occupational ministry!
     
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Feb 26, 2009, 11:26 AM
 
Originally Posted by - - e r i k - - View Post
Personal space huh? Until she reads your browser history / top sites
Ha...my wife probably hasn't even seen the history on her own MacBook. I'm not sure she knows what it is.

Originally Posted by mattyb View Post
Dunno why people say 'Don't go to bed angry', making up under the covers can be so much fun.
Bah. I'm way too exhausted after a big fight to buy into that whole "make-up sex" thing.

Originally Posted by smacintush View Post
Be your own man.

Don't ever be afraid to have "your own" life and interests.
Definitely. Both people still need some time to dedicate to interests they enjoy that don't necessarily have to be shared. If I didn't have about an hour per day to either read/shoot photos/play PS3/whatever...I'd go crazy. The mrs. actually makes me go play golf every once in a while just so I don't "get trapped in work."

However, I have known of some couples that took it too far. A buddy of mine used to just take off and spend two or three months in Africa while his wife stayed home, went skiing, or whatever. They split up after two years.
     
Posting Junkie
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Louisiana
Status: Offline
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Feb 26, 2009, 11:30 AM
 
Originally Posted by Railroader View Post
Ahhh... the joys of occupational ministry!
I guess spending my first 21 years growing up in a pastor's home did a lot to prepare me for it.

Imagine not only being accountable to your parents, but also to be considered responsible for other kids' behavior by their parents who complained you were "setting a bad example."

It's just all part of the job. The benefits far outweigh the other stuff though.
     
Banned
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Indy.
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Feb 26, 2009, 11:36 AM
 
Originally Posted by Jawbone54 View Post
I guess spending my first 21 years growing up in a pastor's home did a lot to prepare me for it.

Imagine not only being accountable to your parents, but also to be considered responsible for other kids' behavior by their parents who complained you were "setting a bad example."
Oh yeah. If you'll notice, even my facebook account is subject. I have to be careful talking about my past for fear of people having a bad opinion of the ministry.

Originally Posted by Jawbone54 View Post
It's just all part of the job. The benefits far outweigh the other stuff though.
That is why we do what we do
     
Posting Junkie
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Louisiana
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Feb 26, 2009, 11:40 AM
 
Originally Posted by Railroader View Post
If you'll notice, even my facebook account is subject. I have to be careful talking about my past for fear of people having a bad opinion of the ministry.
For sure. Anything "out there" is subject to scrutiny.

That is why we do what we do
*fist bump*
     
 
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