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Big Mac · Jul 24, 2009, 07:10 PM

This year I was introduced to a member of my family, a cousin of mine who I had not known even though he lives near us. He's just about the same age as my younger brother, and he even resembles me to a degree. Though we didn't grow up together I feel a strong bond with him. As a kid he had to deal with a lot of adversity, and he's trying to get his life on track. I'm quite sympathetic.

He's a strong-willed, independent person. He has a strong work ethic. Currently he's working two jobs. But he needs money for his car, and we've already given him (technically loaned but with family you treat as a gift) some money. He said he's embarrassed to have to ask for help, and I think he's sincere about that. I spoke to him today and told him I wouldn't be able to give him as much money as he previously was looking to get, at least not right now. He was disappointed. My mother already gave him some money just a few months ago.

Now we're not talking about large sums of cash here. And the thing is, I would gladly give him a huge amount of money if I could in order to make his life easier, but I don't have that to give at this point in my life. I've had to scale my trading back and concentrate on my other work for the time being, and I'm not making the money I want to make. I'm wondering if I should be annoyed that he's not more appreciative of the fact that I'm willing to help at all.

Andy8 · Jul 24, 2009, 07:26 PM

Giving money seldom helps in these cases.

Ask yourself this, if you guys were not there to ask for money, what would he do?

He would have to help himself.

It is obvious he is living beyond his means, tell him to take a bus, ride a bicycle for the time being.

Big Mac · Jul 24, 2009, 07:55 PM

Good advice, but I feel for him. It's not like he's not trying to help himself.

Cold Warrior · Jul 24, 2009, 07:56 PM

What's wrong with the car? Is it broken or does he need it for rims and a stereo system?

Big Mac · Jul 24, 2009, 09:19 PM

If it were rims and a stereo I wouldn't have considered it. No, he just bought it very used and needs to get it registered so that he can get to work lawfully (before it gets impounded). And he needs to pay a year's back registration. And he needs to get it smogged, too.

turtle777 · Jul 24, 2009, 09:36 PM

Originally Posted by Big Mac

I'm wondering if I should be annoyed that he's not more appreciative of the fact that I'm willing to help at all.

Interesting situation.

Normally, with family, you can't chose, so there's no point in being annoyed and still doing stuff.
You either do it because it's family, and you just look past the annoyed part.
Or you are annoyed enough to tell them to **** off.

With your "newfound" cousin, you seem to be hung somewhere in-between the status of a friend and family.

I guess that you should look past the lack of appreciation (since you feel sympathetic) and give what you can, but be clear to him that your giving has a limit. Obviously, that "limit" is not set in stone, since you could always mobilize more if it was for a real urgent cause (like a medical treatment for your parents). He has to accept that the limit is based on his "status" within the family, and that he still needs to "earn" some more family points.

Ultimately, how he deals with this "limit" will determine if he becomes true family, or not.

-t

besson3c · Jul 24, 2009, 10:14 PM

Could you have him work it off for you by doing stuff you would normally have to spend time doing? For instance, he could post here on your behalf

turtle777 · Jul 24, 2009, 10:17 PM

I wonder how many 'NNers get paid for posting here. ? 0.000000000000000% ?

-t

besson3c · Jul 24, 2009, 10:21 PM

Not zero percent, trust me

ort888 · 10:43 PM

If you count all the posting in do at work... I get paid quite a bit to post here.

How old is your cousin? He might just be used to getting handouts. My brother is like that. He just expects the world to give him things because it always has. He lives in a house my parents bought him, drives my dads car, got his computer for free from an old boss, and he only works about 20 hours a week. He's also 30, so uh... yeah.

Laminar · Jul 24, 2009, 10:41 PM

Originally Posted by ort888

If you count all the posting info at work... I get paid quite a bitto post here.

Ditto.

Rumor · Jul 25, 2009, 01:50 AM

Originally Posted by Big Mac

If it were rims and a stereo I wouldn't have considered it. No, he just bought it very used and needs to get it registered so that he can get to work lawfully (before it gets impounded). And he needs to pay a year's back registration. And he needs to get it smogged, too.

Do you have any mechanic friends that may be willing to smog the car for less money?