[downinflames68]

So I've been seeing this girl. She's gorgeous. Funny. Into awesome stuff. Loves stick shift. Rally racing. Design. Animals. Really digs me. A lot. All in all, pretty great. Here's the thing though: We've only known each other for a few months, but she wants to hang out every single day. And every night. More than that, she is extremely jealous due to previous assholes, and very very sensitive about everything. The worst part, however, is that she hears things that didn't really happen. Not all the time, but some times. It's very weird. Then you try to say that that did not happen, and she gets pissed off, at which point you have a few hours of arguing ahead of you.

The other night, we finished a movie at 4am. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth, came back out and she was bundled up holding her stuff. She claimed she was just going to run some stuff to her car, and I said "why???". She said she didn't know. Then I said just come to bed, you can do it tomorrow. She then said that she was already dressed, so she should do it. I said I didn't care really either way, and went to bed.

30 seconds later, she comes back in because the deadbolt is locked and she can't get outside without my keys. I point her to the keys on my dresser, and try to go to bed. She then says that she doesn't want to take her stuff outside. I reiterate I don't care either way, and she should either do it or not but not just talk to me because I am tired. She then claims that I don't care about her at all. Breaks down. I then claim I do care, but i don't care if she goes to deliver her stuff to her car, or not. Just either go or don't, but again, don't just sit here and talk. It's 4am.

This goes through a cycle of her emotions: Sadness (crying, saying I'm mean and an asshole), accusatory (this is my fault, I started this), apologetic (she didn't understand, she's sorry), and no big deal (hey you want to sleep but talk to me for 5 minutes. and by that I mean 45-2 hours) and even squarsies (remember when you bla? well I guess I'm being blah so we're even). The ENTIRE time, I'm just saying I don't care, I want to sleep. She eventually raises her voice and starts yelling.

At this point, I tell her to quiet down, to whisper if she wants to talk, because people are sleeping in my building. It is now 4:30am. She refuses. Gets louder. She claims she doesn't give a ****, and that I care more about the people sleeping than I do her. I reassure her that that is not true, but I do not want to bother people and I just want to sleep. She says she cares about me. I say great, if you care, let me sleep. This still does not work. Repeat last two paragraphs for 45 minutes. Then raises her voice again. I tell her to shut. The ****. Up. She decks me in the ****ing face.

Yep. Resorted to violence. Hit me in face. I tell her she needs to go. She starts crying, saying she's sorry. I put her stuff in the hallway, and try to push her out. She then claims that I am hurting her, when I am quite clearly gently herding her into the hallway. At the doorway, she refuses to budge. I cannot get her outside, without her claiming that I "hurt her". So I give up. I say fine, go sleep on the couch, I don't really care, but I am going to sleep.

I return to the bedroom, get in bed, try to sleep. She comes back. She starts saying she's sorry, and I say I really don't care, because she hit me in the face, and she should go away so I can sleep. She refuses. She sits on the bed next to me. At this point I have a pillow on my head. She claims I am acting like a child; and that me wanting to sleep is all about me. I agree, tell her I am an asshole, and that she should go to bed. She says I'm mean. At this point I don't care. I agree, and tell her to go to bed. She claims that she never hit me. Then she claims that I punched her in the chest when I tried to make her leave my apartment. This never happened. Then she says she just pounded her fist in frustration and she accidentally hit me. It was not an accident.

The next thirty minutes consisted of her cycling her emotions again, and me just trying to sleep. This morning, I got up, snuck out, and ditched. Let my roommate kick her out since she would want to talk. She's been texting me ALL DAY, saying she wants to talk, and that she's sorry that she accidentally hit me (bullshit), and that I'm being mean for wanting space.

WTF guys. I am totally new to this dating thing. Not sure what to do. I care for her, she's an amazing girl, but this temporary batshit insane stuff is just god-****ing-awful. Do you dump her and help her deal with her demons? Or just move on? If you care about her, how do you dump her without hurting her feelings if you know she is in love with you?

[residentEvil]

once both of you have had sleep; and a day or two away from each other if possible, in the nicest way you can:

i'm sorry, but the other day was too much. your physical violence directed toward me wasn't warranted. i understand you were emotional and i wasn't taking the time to understand and communicate my feelings about the situation. if you can give me a few days, we can then talk things through what happened and why; i was tired and didn't want to deal with the situation then.

see, "fault" given to both sides; your reason for "whatever" attitude; and time for both to be alone, think about things, and come back to discuss rational. honest, open and straightforward.

if after the rest period and the conversation to talk things over turns elevated and or physical, end it.

[downinflames68]

But the whatever attitude was due to it being 4:30AM. Not sure how that's a "fault". Appreciate the advice thusfar, kind sir.

[Atheist]

Run ... as fast as you can. That is way too much drama. It will only get worse.

[ebuddy]

Originally Posted by downinflames68 

WTF guys. I am totally new to this dating thing. Not sure what to do. I care for her, she's an amazing girl, but this temporary batshit insane stuff is just god-****ing-awful. Do you dump her and help her deal with her demons? Or just move on? If you care about her, how do you dump her without hurting her feelings if you know she is in love with you?

Assuming this scenario is not drastically exaggerated;

Take 1: Run. Run like the wind DIF. Don't look back... Ever. You guys have only known each other a couple of months, if she's in love it's because she's co-dependent and the minute you dump her she'll simply glom onto someone else. You're not an a$$hole right? It seems entirely plausible to me that the reason "the previous guys were a$$holes" is because she drove them to it just as she drove you to it. Did you like the feeling of being an a$$hole to the funny girl who likes rally racing, design, animals, and into awesome stuff? Do any of these positive traits even matter if she's a raging lunatic 10% of the time? Of course not, but make no mistake; you're going to be an a$$hole. This relationship will end in one of two ways; either you'll go to jail for battery or you'll be thrown in jail for battery. This is toxic. If she wants to seek help and you're patient enough to help her through meds and you want to be her knight in shining armor? Go for it, but IMO you're asking for trouble. It'd be a little different if there were something more at stake like kids or obviously- marriage, or even a longer relationship, but in this case you're still just seeking compatibility. This is a major tick mark against her in that regard IMO. If I were your brother or a close family member, I'd tell you to run, bail... out the window if you must.

Take 2: Now... if you've really got nothing else going on that you're able to play a little game of "save the girl from herself", you could sit down and have a long talk. Tell her all the things that you really appreciate about her just as you did for us above. Indicate all the ways in which you two are compatible, then mention your concerns. Do not marginalize them, do not chicken out. Bring up the above instance. Let her know that this type of reaction is unacceptable. If you're getting into knock-down, drag-out fights over what's on TV or whether or not she should run some belongings out to the car, this is not compatibility. Entirely up to you, but I'd bring up the possibility that she seek help. Obviously, this would require the utmost diplomacy and tact, but again if this scenario is an honest breakdown of how things transpired, there's an issue that absolutely needs to be addressed. A big issue. If she freaks out on you at any point in this conversation; refer back to Take 1. You like racing? Gun it!

[freudling]

residentEvil:

Good advice.

downinflames68:

What's up yo? I have to say, I laughed so hard at some points reading your post, especially the part about you saying, sure, I'm an asshole, and I'm going to sleep. We've all been there, right guys?

What you experienced is what I am guessing many of us have. Women when they get emotional... there is no logic. Zero. Throw out everything you know about logic and sanity. It does not apply. Period.

So, having said that, I agree with residentEvil, by telling her you were just really tired and did not want to deal with it then, you at least make her feel like you care, like you were really tired and just was not in a position to discuss it at the time. But you need to do it for real. Sincerely. Looking into her eyes, with conviction. Stand strong. Even if she continues to be crazy and stupid, and things don't work out, sometime, somewhere down the line, she will remember you as the voice of reason and have a deep rooted respect for you.

Most mature, rational people will understand that. Although, when emotions are running high, usually it gets dealt with right away. The crappy thing is that when women get emotional like that, and the guys are not... he's not in 'sync' with the women... it gets annoying for us guys because we just don't have the motivation to make an emotional investment in it at the time.

Make her understand that. Make her understand that you really do care, but you were just irked, especially after she hit you, and you wanted to sleep it off and discuss it on another day. That you deserve that space to ingest what happened.

But I will say, if this is a new relationship, I would be careful. She seems a bit reckless and irresponsible. Maybe you like those traits. Just do me a favor, ok? Don't get trapped in a relationship with someone that is reckless and crazy, because you know what? You may start believing that the entire world is reckless and crazy, and completely lose a piece of yourself along the way...

[residentEvil]

Originally Posted by downinflames68 

But the whatever attitude was due to it being 4:30AM. Not sure how that's a "fault". Appreciate the advice thusfar, kind sir.

you began saying how much you like/enjoy the good things the two of you have done/encountered/share. if you simply jump in placing blame and talking in black and white statements (meaning you are right/she is wrong) the way you do around here, it will end badly and more crap will happen. it won't give you a chance to get her, and you actually, to talk things out.

yes, you were tired. yes, you wanted to go to sleep and saying whatever was a way you though you could diffuse it and so you could sleep. but in a relationship, if you are really trying for one, it isn't about you...its about the "we", the "team", the two of you. it is a "fault", because you didn't want to take the time then as you only looked out for you and getting to bed.

i'm not trying to be an ass Rob, really. but if you don't see that, then my suggestions and help won't do any good.

i've been there. i do know. i've had many the same experiences and issues with women. i realized now how to talk and share and LISTEN. i'm now in a very healthy and for the first time, a true relationship. a team. in the past, it was always me. only cared if it directly effected me. hell even sometimes, didn't care then.

i'm now past that, it was no way to live. it wasn't love, it wasn't a relationship.

what i have now is, i finally get it. just passing on what i have learned.

[AKcrab]

Originally Posted by downinflames68 

Give up. Don't call her. Avoid her. Women are all whores so it's time to upgrade to a hotter, younger one anyway. Sound harsh but whatever. Anything you do to TRY to get her back will only make her want you less.

Originally Posted by downinflames68 

Seriously. Move. On. Women are ****ing bitches that don't make any sense, enjoy them when they like you but never get too attached.

Originally Posted by downinflames68 

I'm saying.... the SMARTEST, and BEST thing to do, is to realize that you, the OP, are a worthwhile person, deserving of love, deserving of being a great person and having a great life, despite your stupid ex; that whore is NOT worth feeling shitty about.

What I feel will help is realizing you can exist independently, and be successful independently, which is the ONLY THING THAT WILL REMOTELY MAKE HER WANT YOU BACK.

Don't give a **** abotu her. Never even be mean to her. Just act like "whatever" around her. Anything else will result in "fail".

Originally Posted by downinflames68 

Look dude, you go try this next time a girl dumps you. Go after her. Call her a lot. Try to make things work. Tell her you need her. You will TOTALLY FAIL.

The ONLY, ONLY way that you can get her back is by showing your independence. By moving on. By being happy, and successful. Women do not want people who need them, because they don't have to work for it. The guy who comes in and doesn't care, but is happy and fun to be around, that is what they want.

But go please, try your way.

Originally Posted by downinflames68 

In short, find a really hot chick to get blazed with. See what happens.

I don't think you need our help.

[Spheric Harlot]

Amen.

I do think that both Rob, and psycho-hot-chick, need to seek professional help, individually.

[Phileas]

^ What he said.

In addition, Rob, get your ass outta there. Physical violence, in any shape or form, from any gender, should always be an instant deal killer.

[andi*pandi]

Sounds like she was trying to make you jump through hoops to see how much you liked her. It was a stupid thing and backfired on her. If she can't handle that and resorts to psycho drama... yeep.

Follow eBuddy's advice.

[imitchellg5]

Dang, what movie were you watching?

[ghporter]

Never make huge decisions when tired, sick, hungry or inebriated. After you're not any of these, take plenty of time to examine the situation and then decide the merits of the pros and the costs of the cons.

Half of that is Robert Heinlein, the other half Dear Abby. Both are solid advice.

[Doofy]

Originally Posted by downinflames68 

The other night, we finished a movie at 4am. I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth, came back out and she was bundled up holding her stuff. She claimed she was just going to run some stuff to her car, and I said "why???".

Wrong move right there. You should have said "stop being so stupid and come to bed so I can love you up until you can't walk". As far as I can tell, this whole thing is caused by your reluctance to do the manly thing and nail her senseless before you went to sleep.

Seriously: She's a girl. Girls are wildly emotional in a way we'll never understand. Either deal or go gay.

[shifuimam]

She sounds like she has some serious codependency issues. Even if she hadn't hit you or had calmed down faster or whatever else, the relationship is still doomed as long as she's got the "I can't live without you" codependency thing going on.

[Doofy]

Originally Posted by shifuimam 

She sounds like she has some serious codependency issues. Even if she hadn't hit you or had calmed down faster or whatever else, the relationship is still doomed as long as she's got the "I can't live without you" codependency thing going on.

Ahhh. "Codependency". Back in the day (before FaceBook, Twatter and "stubbed my toe on the bedroom door so I'm going to divorce the husband and sue him counsellors") we used to call this "love". Used to make the world go around and all that.

[Rumor]

I agree with Uncle Doof.

[lexapro]

Run, don't walk.

[sdilley14]

Wow, this may be my favorite thread of the year! Your narrative of the whole situation is friggin hilarious! Its funny because its so true and relateable. I've been in that same place very recently. I'll say wholeheartedly that everyone here has offered spot on advice and insight. There's nothing new I can offer to this conversation, I just had to chime in for a minute. But yeah, this is a situation that only gets worst and will repeat itself on a semi regular basis. Its up to you to decide if that's how you want to live your life...

[Atheist]

Originally Posted by freudling 

What you experienced is what I am guessing many of us have. Women when they get emotional... there is no logic. Zero. Throw out everything you know about logic and sanity. It does not apply. Period.

Originally Posted by Doofy 

Seriously: She's a girl. Girls are wildly emotional in a way we'll never understand. Either deal or go gay.

Damn... I'm starting to feel sorry for you straight dudes.

[nonhuman]

My advice: get out of the midwest.

[Gankdawg]

I'll say it again Rob:

Single
Sexy
Sane

With regards to women, pick any 2.

Her p*ssy must have a cape if you're still around.

[downinflames68]

Nonhuman: That's the other thing. I'm planning on moving next summer. Far away. I don't really want to be tied down, because I'm going to leave regardless. Yeah, I feel like I should dump this girl, because she hit me, and because this random freak the **** out for hours thing has ahppened like 5-6 times. It is utterly obnoxious.

But she has had an even worse year than I have. Her ex cheated on her 9 times, and her previous ex beat her. She does not have a very good view of herself, and apart from the going insane bit, she is pretty cool. I don't want to be the icing on her cake of a horrible ****ing year.

[downinflames68]

Originally Posted by Gankdawg 

I'll say it again Rob:

Single
Sexy
Sane

With regards to women, pick any 2.

Her p*ssy must have a cape if you're still around.

Agree with your assessment of the female species. However, by that rational I should just stick around and deal with her crazyness, since she is very sexy, and single, and into me. Is that what you are suggesting?

[nonhuman]

Originally Posted by downinflames68 

Nonhuman: That's the other thing. I'm planning on moving next summer. Far away. I don't really want to be tied down, because I'm going to leave regardless. Yeah, I feel like I should dump this girl, because she hit me, and because this random freak the **** out for hours thing has ahppened like 5-6 times. It is utterly obnoxious.

But she has had an even worse year than I have. Her ex cheated on her 9 times, and her previous ex beat her. She does not have a very good view of herself, and apart from the going insane bit, she is pretty cool. I don't want to be the icing on her cake of a horrible ****ing year.

Well, if you're going to stick with her until you leave (where are you planning to go, btw?), make sure she's not the kind of girl who will intentionally get pregnant (or even just lie about it) to try and get you to stay.

[abbaZaba]

you're a fairly big hypocrite. listen to all your past advice you've given other people on this board and get the **** out. she hit you in the face. how is this not an easy decision? because you feel sorry for all the past bad things that happened to her? get this: you stick around and it's just going to get worse. if you stick around until you have to inevitably move, it will be a shitstorm much greater than this. hell, you may even pick up a stalker.

that would certainly keep your day-to-day routine fairly exciting actually.


I am no psychiatrist but a personality disorder may not be too crazy of a theory to explain her behavior.

[nonhuman]

Originally Posted by abbaZaba 

am no psychiatrist but a personality disorder may not be too crazy of a theory to explain her behavior.

Yeah, a borderline personality sounds like a definite possibility to me.

[starman]

As the house in the Amityville Horror would say:

GET. OUT.

It's easy to see how hard it is to leave because you like her, but think of what 20 years of this abuse (yes, abuse) will be like.

[turtle777]

Originally Posted by downinflames68 

I don't want to be the icing on her cake of a horrible ****ing year.

Then wait till New Years to dump her.

Seriously, this is not going to work. If this had happened once you might excuse it for a bad day, But 5 or 6 times ? No way. She needs help.

Btw, in all seriousness Rob, you gotta ask yourself the following question about the women you get involved. There are to possible extremes:

a) you have been unlucky
b) you (your choices, expectations, behavior, beliefs etc...) were the problem.

I can't answer which is more true, but you should ask yourself in all honesty,

-t

[downinflames68]

Turtle, I've only talked about my wife and this one on here. My french GF wasnt nuts.

[exca1ibur]

Move on. She's a head case. Once the hitting starts thats a bad recipe for the future when confrontational situations comes up again, and they will. If something petty like that can cause a physical reaction what happens in a more serious situation? If you get to a point where you want to hit or hurt the other person its time to move on. You have nothing vested in this 'relationship' at this point so move on before it gets worse.

[turtle777]

Originally Posted by downinflames68 

Turtle, I've only talked about my wife and this one on here. My french GF wasnt nuts.

OIC. Maybe it's a) then. I'm not trying to put you in a box.

-t

[Phileas]

Originally Posted by downinflames68 

Agree with your assessment of the female species.

There's your problem right there.

[poet guy]

If you really care about this woman, you need to get her to a woman's health clinic that has a resident psychiatrist. Do not fail at this! The both of you, neither separately nor together, can fix this. She has deep seated problems that won't be fixed with a talk or two. It sounds like she may have some serious hormonal problem coupled with some secrets from the past. She may very well have BPS as mentioned above. She'll probably have to go on meds if she isn't already.

[Face Ache]

Originally Posted by downinflames68 

Then raises her voice again. I tell her to shut. The ****. Up. She decks me in the ****ing face.

Yep. Resorted to violence. Hit me in face.

Queue jumper!

I'd tell any woman who'd been hit to walk away immediately, so I guess the same applies to fellas. Maybe even more so - if the police are called, who are they going to believe?

Avoid crazy.

[Sealobo]

aren't you the same guy who said all women are ****s so just **** them and leave?

[Gankdawg]

Originally Posted by downinflames68 

Agree with your assessment of the female species. However, by that rational I should just stick around and deal with her crazyness, since she is very sexy, and single, and into me. Is that what you are suggesting?

My suggestion is to run away as fast as you can from her. Fire up the SVX and act like you're burning out the excess carbon.....

[finboy]

Originally Posted by Atheist 

Run ... as fast as you can. That is way too much drama. It will only get worse.

OK, be ready to be stalked!

Man, oh man, oh man. I'm guessing she's lots younger than you, right?

If you care about her, then you have to sit down with her and ask her to get some help for herself before you and she continue any kind of relationship. She's got some major anger issues, sounds like. And it will only get worse unless she grows up some.

The "loud" thing is about 3rd grade. That's how she wants to be treated on some level.

I'm sure you weren't a callous a$$hole, I've been there and done that as well. But she brought on the drama, sounds like. If you care for her, you'll take her to get some help for herself.

Most importantly, you gotta stop sleeping together. Like right now. Doesn't sound like she has enough control to know what's going on.

You can earn some serious karma points helping this person, but not if you're "dating". She's not stable enough for dating. As someone else said, get her to a women's center with a psychiatrist ASAP, or find a local support group that you can attend together. Not as a couple, but as friends. In fact, you may be the ONLY person who can get her to go to something like this.

Her striking out at you is a cry for help. So help. You'll be a better man for it.

[shifuimam]

Originally Posted by Doofy 

Ahhh. "Codependency". Back in the day (before FaceBook, Twatter and "stubbed my toe on the bedroom door so I'm going to divorce the husband and sue him counsellors") we used to call this "love". Used to make the world go around and all that.

Interesting. I think it's much more healthy to be in a relationship with someone whose existence is not your reason for living. Not because the relationship is doomed, but because emotional stability is much more likely in a situation where someone else is not in complete control of your personal day-to-day happiness.

You can be in love with someone without relying on them to ensure your happiness, health, joy, and stability. My boyfriend makes me incredibly happy and makes my day-to-day life better, but I'm not going to be an emotional wreck curled up in the corner sobbing and cutting myself if he breaks up with me. Something tells me that's not a bad thing...

[Doofy]

Originally Posted by Face Ache 

Queue jumper!

[Doofy]

Originally Posted by shifuimam 

Interesting. I think it's much more healthy to be in a relationship with someone whose existence is not your reason for living. Not because the relationship is doomed, but because emotional stability is much more likely in a situation where someone else is not in complete control of your personal day-to-day happiness.

You can be in love with someone without relying on them to ensure your happiness, health, joy, and stability. My boyfriend makes me incredibly happy and makes my day-to-day life better, but I'm not going to be an emotional wreck curled up in the corner sobbing and cutting myself if he breaks up with me. Something tells me that's not a bad thing...

I couldn't write a song about that though, could I?

I don't know. That kind of approach just seems a bit lacking somehow. A bit lukewarm. If it works for you then it works for you, no worries. But it just seems a little too tepid for me.

[macforray]

Bipolar?

My daughter has it. She is on medication, but when she is in her "manic" phase, she feels so good that she doesn't take her meds. Not taking her meds leads to having a "depressed" phase, and that can be HELL!

Seriously, no matter what we think she might have, she needs to get some help. That will be the hard part.

[nonhuman]

Originally Posted by shifuimam 

You can be in love with someone without relying on them to ensure your happiness, health, joy, and stability. My boyfriend makes me incredibly happy and makes my day-to-day life better, but I'm not going to be an emotional wreck curled up in the corner sobbing and cutting myself if he breaks up with me. Something tells me that's not a bad thing...

You sure there's not some middle ground?

[Laminar]

Originally Posted by Gankdawg 

My suggestion is to run away as fast as you can from her. Fire up the SVX and act like you're burning out the excess carbon.....

Why not suggest he drive something fast instead?

Originally Posted by finboy 

OK, be ready to be stalked!

Man, oh man, oh man. I'm guessing she's lots younger than you, right?

Rob's not that old, so "lots" younger would be illegal.

[Spheric Harlot]

Originally Posted by Doofy 

I couldn't write a song about that though, could I?

I don't know. That kind of approach just seems a bit lacking somehow. A bit lukewarm. If it works for you then it works for you, no worries. But it just seems a little too tepid for me.

That changes when kids become part of the framework (well at least it'd be good if it did).

[downinflames68]

Well. "talked to her" tonight. She apologized for hitting me. Claims it was an accident. She really really wants to work things out, and said she'd get checked out about her mental sensativity. If **** doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. This is the last shot. I just cannot dump her right before Xmas.

If anything remotely bad happens again, she's gone.

Can't help it. http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2462/...f4c217a2b2.jpg

[turtle777]

Originally Posted by downinflames68 

Can't help it. http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2462/...f4c217a2b2.jpg

[x] single
[x] sexy
[ ] sane

-t

[downinflames68]

Werd turtle. Werd.

[Shaddim]

Do like I do, I move into a spare bedroom (that has it's own outside exit) and avoid all conversation. The girls have had perfectly synced monthlies for years now, and those 3-4 days each month can be a hell that few will ever know. They argue with me, they argue with each other, they throw things, etc.. When it's all over I act as if those days never happened and everything goes back to normal.

Like my dear old dad says, "an open mouth is much more likely to catch a fist".

[Doofy]

Originally Posted by turtle777 

[x] single
[x] sexy
[ ] sane

Slightly incorrect Turty. She ain't single. Yet.