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My son is being bullied (Page 2)
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Clinically Insane
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Jul 1, 2014, 02:07 AM
 
I loved my 25th HS reunion, it was one of the most gratifying days of my life.

Originally Posted by subego View Post
I won't say I've forgiven all the people who treated me badly in school. If I had, I'd be going to reunions.

OTOH, one of the more valuable things I learned as an adult is people act shitty for a reason, and the need to act shitty means they are being punished on some level.

IOW, they have to live with themselves, which can't be easy, because if it was, they wouldn't be behaving like a ****ing animal.
This.
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Jul 1, 2014, 06:21 AM
 
I know this guy well enough. He had no reason to be a dick to me.
I have plenty of more important things to do, if only I could bring myself to do them....
     
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Jul 1, 2014, 06:41 AM
 
I'd imagine the reason he was being a dick had very little to nothing to do with you, and without full knowledge of all the other things going on in his life, it's going to be hard to trace the thought process which brought him to it.

IOW, since it had nothing to do with you, looking for rationales which have to do with you will leave you stymied.
     
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Jul 1, 2014, 03:21 PM
 
Perhaps I should rephrase. I knew him well enough to know he had no reason to be a dick to anyone.
I have plenty of more important things to do, if only I could bring myself to do them....
     
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Jul 1, 2014, 03:48 PM
 
So Matty, our advice for you and your son... if going to the school doesn't have any effect, have your son a) bite the other boy on the wrist, b) get a good choke hold on the other boy's neck, or c) lift heavy objects in front of the other boy.
     
mattyb  (op)
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Jul 1, 2014, 03:53 PM
 
Originally Posted by andi*pandi View Post
So Matty, our advice for you and your son... if going to the school doesn't have any effect, have your son a) bite the other boy on the wrist, b) get a good choke hold on the other boy's neck, or c) lift heavy objects in front of the other boy.
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Jul 1, 2014, 06:10 PM
 
Originally Posted by Waragainstsleep View Post
Perhaps I should rephrase. I knew him well enough to know he had no reason to be a dick to anyone.
If you don't mind me asking, how is knowing him well compatible with him being a huge dick to you.

Did you go on play dates together?
     
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Jul 1, 2014, 06:11 PM
 
Originally Posted by andi*pandi View Post
So Matty, our advice for you and your son... if going to the school doesn't have any effect, have your son a) bite the other boy on the wrist, b) get a good choke hold on the other boy's neck, or c) lift heavy objects in front of the other boy.
Extra points if he can accomplish all three in one sweeping maneuver.
     
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Jul 1, 2014, 08:12 PM
 
A spinning back fist never fails to impress.

     
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Jul 2, 2014, 04:30 AM
 
This reminds me of a long convo I had with one of my childhood tormentors, some 25 years after the fact. No one outside of his home knew what a vicious, sick bastard his adoptive father was, how that made him want to abuse others as a means of trying to get control of his life. I wish my childhood cadre had known, if for no other reason than to be an outlet for him to talk about what was happening, it's how we dealt with our growing pains. Not that we were much, just a handful of nerds and misfits, but we had each other and that made us stronger than most. Of course, it never occurred to him that he could be a friend, that we would have helped, it was easier to lash out.

Fast forward a couple decades, and perhaps it was too late, but I still listened, he offered an apology and I accepted it. Standing with him while he sobbed, in the parking lot of a Home Depot, of all places, at 8 o'clock in the morning. It was cathartic for me too, letting go of a hate that I didn't know I still held on to, so many years later. But then, I don't believe it was, for either of us.
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Jul 2, 2014, 07:26 AM
 
Originally Posted by subego View Post
If you don't mind me asking, how is knowing him well compatible with him being a huge dick to you.

Did you go on play dates together?
No, not exactly but I knew him, his family, his friends etc. He had no particular hardship to contend with and in small villages like where we grew up even the more sinister things that people don't hear about come out in the open eventually.
I have plenty of more important things to do, if only I could bring myself to do them....
     
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Jul 2, 2014, 07:43 AM
 
Back to the subject at hand. Is pepper spray legal in France?
I have plenty of more important things to do, if only I could bring myself to do them....
     
mattyb  (op)
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Jul 2, 2014, 08:55 AM
 
Originally Posted by Waragainstsleep View Post
Back to the subject at hand. Is pepper spray legal in France?
Dunno but flash balls are. Might have an issue with my son carrying such weaponry into school though.
     
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Jul 2, 2014, 12:24 PM
 
What might be better is for your son to portray the confidence he'd have if he were carrying pepper spray. So something like a karate class, would give him confidence. Bullies hate that.
     
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Jul 2, 2014, 01:54 PM
 
bullies suck - I dealt with one as a kid. End up beating the crap out of him in school, humiliated him by knocking his buck teeth out with the sidewalk. A loser, but thankfully I confronted him and was the school hero for about 10 minutes. I think the guy is dead now, he grew up to be a thief, started robbing people, and well, he robbed the wrong person.

I wouldn't go the weapon or deterrent route with bullies - I would use fists, karate, judo, whatever you got in you. You must find his/her weakness then crush him like a frickin grape, no mercy. But weapons only up the ante and you might come home to a bunch of firetrucks, at best.

may I suggest reading Musashi Miyamoto's Book of Five Rings?
     
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Jul 2, 2014, 03:38 PM
 
Like many companies, we had a work place bully and instead of firing him the first day he started work when he shoved another employee and threatened violence for getting bumped into; They kept moving him around until once again he got into it. The supervisor told him to go home. They failed to walk him out and he waited until shift change and attacked the associate in the hallway. he got taken out with a single punch. He was out before he hit the ground. Anyway, they took him to the hospital and about a week later while he was getting checked out an undiagnosed clot broke loose and killed him.

No charges were filed because it happened in front of several witnesses. I know the guy who was forced to defend himself sued. We never heard what the result was. We do know that the law firm he hired would only take the case if he agreed to not to settle out of court.
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Jul 2, 2014, 03:50 PM
 
Our oldest son was kind of bullied by about 4 neighborhood kids back in the early to mid 80's. It's was frustrating for us, as at that time, we could not really do anything except to talk with the parents. But, that did little good. When my son entered high school, he did find some new friends, and by that time, the bullying had subsided. (Ironically, our youngest son (2 year younger) played with quite a few of the same neighborhood kids, and had no problems).

The best thing that happened, though, was that our son (and the youngest one also) went on to much, much better lives (even more so for the past 9 years) than just about all those kids. He got a much better education, and continues to flourish. Some of those kids had police issues later on in their lives.

Because of that, there are two expressions that come to mind:

"How sweet it is!"

"What goes around comes around"

Ain't that the truth!
     
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Jul 3, 2014, 03:14 PM
 
Originally Posted by Chongo View Post
Just exactly how "special" is this kid, or is his mother just claiming this because she cannot discipline him?.
I thought ALL children were special. Thanks for the blanket party GIF BTW - we did that stuff at camp, years before Kubrick. Late for assembly - blanket party. Can't pack a ruck - blanket party. The grade school equivalent of torches and pitchforks (French justice).

My daughter had a bully in school last year, and she was just worried that she'd hurt his feelings. After a week or so of critical incidents, he came up behind her at recess and grabbed her in a choke hold. She instinctively knocked him backwards and fell on top of him with an elbow to the solar plexus. The principle called to tell me that my daughter was upset, and related the incident to me. My response - "Good for her, she should be upset. Force is a last resort. But she won't get in trouble with me for defending herself, ever." If she ever get's suspension for defending herself, I'll take her to the movies every day and buy her lots of ice cream and go to the beach. The other student ended up spending the next few weeks elsewhere, and returned without incident after winter break.

Did I "show her a few tricks" beforehand? No, but she knew I would back her up. We had discussed it. If someone screws with you disengage, and if that isn't possible then knock them down and stomp them until they aren't a threat. Visit pain on them and they'll get the message. It's the only policy that works. My daughter was 6 at the time - the teacher can't be everywhere and see everything.

Should you do that here? Probably not; this kid sounds like a real winner. Start with the school administration before the cops, but get authority aware at least.
He can be fixed -- you can't.
     
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Jul 3, 2014, 09:06 PM
 
Originally Posted by Waragainstsleep View Post
No, not exactly but I knew him, his family, his friends etc. He had no particular hardship to contend with and in small villages like where we grew up even the more sinister things that people don't hear about come out in the open eventually.
Something's not adding up. All behavior comes from somewhere.

It doesn't necessarily need to have a particularly sinister origin, either. Typical scenario is someone not getting enough attention gets attention when they act out. This conditions them to think that's the way you get attention. It's where Internet trolls often come from.

I'm not saying this was the scenario, but I think it's highly likely there's something you're overlooking, or are just not privy to.

Were you the only target?
     
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Jul 3, 2014, 09:37 PM
 
There was a mild bully in our high school. I think he'd been held back a grade. Didn't pick on people so much as discipline/empathy problems. During gym, he would not fetch the ball back for example, even if it had landed near him last. Though he did pick sometimes. A couple years later, I read his name in the paper. Dead from a brain tumor. I don't know he had the tumor in school, but it would be a handy explanation.

Edit: It's been more than a few years since high school. It did not occur to me until just now, the kid might have known he had a terminal diagnosis. Which would explain the lack of effort in class, and the bad attitude. Guess I wasn't so empathic in past years myself.
( Last edited by reader50; Jul 3, 2014 at 09:54 PM. )
     
Clinically Insane
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Jul 3, 2014, 10:47 PM
 
On the other end of the spectrum, I thought my roommate in college was a little oddly obsessed with playing Legend of Zelda.

I know it sounds silly, but when I found out he had a terminal condition, it clicked why he was in a rush to finish it.
     
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Jul 4, 2014, 05:01 AM
 
Originally Posted by subego View Post
Something's not adding up. All behavior comes from somewhere.

It doesn't necessarily need to have a particularly sinister origin, either. Typical scenario is someone not getting enough attention gets attention when they act out. This conditions them to think that's the way you get attention. It's where Internet trolls often come from.

I'm not saying this was the scenario, but I think it's highly likely there's something you're overlooking, or are just not privy to.

Were you the only target?
I may have inadvertently oversold how bad this kid was. He wasn't very violent or even particularly spiteful. Mostly he was just asserting dominance over a younger, smaller kid. He was just a dick. Thats the best way I can explain it.

I have no desire to throw him off a building today, I'd just like him to give me a good reason to smack him upside the head. Just once.
I have plenty of more important things to do, if only I could bring myself to do them....
     
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Jul 4, 2014, 06:19 PM
 
10-to-1 he learned that from someone doing it to him.
     
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Jul 4, 2014, 10:41 PM
 
I was 5' 4" and weighed about 120 pounds in jr high school, and got picked on all the time. In my Jr year of high school, my hypothyroidism self corrected and I shot up to 6'1" and 180 Lbs in two and a half years. 2 years later I started going to bars, and It was awesome seeing the jerkwads who had picked on me back in the day and hearing them beg me not to kick their a@@'s.
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Jul 5, 2014, 08:00 AM
 
Sounds like karma worked for you, Unicast.

matty, any updates?

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mattyb  (op)
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Jul 8, 2014, 08:00 AM
 
Yeah. Head Mistress is no longer Head Mistress (her choice), so didn't want to organise a meeting before the end of the year (last Friday). Other parents are trying to find out who the new Head Mistress is going to be to get a meeting before the year starts (Sept).

So basically, "Leave me alone, I'm on holiday for 2 months and plus I'm not going to be in charge next year so I don't give a ****."

Nothing happened to my son the last week of school, and the bully didn't manage to attack anyone else so I guess that I should be thankful.
     
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Jul 8, 2014, 08:16 AM
 
Summer vacation may change the kid's behavior, or may not. But the parents of the other kids can do something during that time: organize. Presenting the new Head with what's happened in the past and how it wasn't handled can help prevent new mishandling in the new school year. Five or six parents filling up the Head's office and being Very Serious should have a substantial effect on how the new school year goes...

Glenn -----OTR/L, MOT, Tx
     
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Jul 8, 2014, 01:31 PM
 
I'm later than ever at contributing, but I was bullied pretty much every day by my teachers and my students from 1st to 8th grade. I regret not taking the opportunity to go to some other place to do my K-8 education (I was afraid that more people would find out what ticks me off and then I would have double the number of bullies to deal with). And I went to a Christian school, and that's where I was bullied!

Honestly I haven't read the thread in full but if you can ask around now that it's summer, see if there's another place that your son can go. Explore everything you can. And don't be afraid too much about hopping from one place to another. The quality of the experience matters the most even if his graduation is delayed a year (or even two years, it's not as big of a deal as you think). See what "anti-bullying" programs are offered at other places. In grades 9-12, we had an anti-bullying program and anytime someone got bullied, faculty was on it fast (meetings, counseling, one-on-one peer advising, etc.). So look around.
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