REPUBLICANISM SHOWN TO BE GENETIC IN ORIGIN
The discovery that affiliation with the Republican Party is genetically
determined was announced by scientists in the current issue of the
journal NURTURE, causing uproar among traditionalists who believe it is
a chosen lifestyle. Reports of the gene coding for political
conservatism, discovered after a decades-long study of quintuplets in
Orange County, CA, has sent shock waves through the medical, political,
and golfing communities. Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long
believed that Republicans' unnatural disregard for the poor and
frequently unconstitutional tendencies resulted from dysfunctional
family dynamics -- a remarkably high percentage of Republicans do have
authoritarian domineering fathers and emotionally distant mothers who
didn't teach them how to be kind and gentle. Biologists have long
suspected that conservatism is inherited.
"After all," said one author of the NURTURE article, "It's quite common
for a Republican to have a brother or sister who is a Republican." The
finding has been greeted with relief by Parents and Friends of Republicans
(PFREP), who sometimes blame themselves for the political views of otherwise
lovable children, family, and unindicted co-conspirators.
One mother, a longtime Democrat, wept and clapped her hands in
ecstasy on hearing of the findings. "I just knew it was genetic," she
said, seated with her two sons, both avowed Republicans. "My boys would
never freely choose that lifestyle!" When asked what the Republican
lifestyle was, she said, "You can just tell watching their conventions
in Houston and San Diego on TV: the flaming xenophobia, flamboyant
demagogy, disdain for anyone not rich, you know." Both sons had
suspected their Republicanism from
an early age but did not confirm it until they were in college, when
they became convinced it wasn't just a phase they were going through. The
NURTURE article offered no response to the suggestion that the high
incidence of Republicanism among siblings could result from their
sharing not only genes but also psychological and emotional attitude as
products of the same parents and family dynamics. A remaining mystery is why many
Democrats admit to having voted Republican at least once -- or often
dream or fantasize about doing so. Polls show that three out of five adult
Democrats have had a Republican experience, although most outgrow
teenage experimentation with Republicanism.
Some Republicans hail the findings as a step toward eliminating
conservophobia. They argue that since Republicans _didn't "choose"
their lifestyle any more than someone "chooses" to have a ski-jump
nose, they shouldn't be denied civil rights which other minorities
enjoy. If conservatism is not the result of stinginess or orneriness
(typical stereotypes attributed to Republicans) but is something
Republicans can't help, there's no reason why society shouldn't
tolerate Republicans in the military or even high elected office -- provided
they don't flaunt their political beliefs. For many Americans, the discovery
opens a window on a different future. In a few years, gene therapy
might eradicate Republicanism altogether.
But should they be allowed to marry? (Episcopal version: Should they be
allowed to be a consecrated bishop? Are we in danger of becoming a
"Republican church?")
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