Released just before midnight!
U.S. CAPTURES CAT STEVENS
Long-awaited ‘October Surprise’
In an “October Surprise” long dreaded by the presidential campaign of Sen. John Kerry,
President George W. Bush took to the national airwaves last night to announce that the United States had captured the international terror mastermind Cat Stevens.
Moments after the president revealed that the fugitive madman had been taken into custody, new polls showed Mr. Bush romping to an easy victory in next Tuesday’s election.
“We’re doing so well now, we may not even have to prevent the other side from voting,” Bush strategist Karl Rove said.
After searching for Mr. Stevens in the mountainous region between Pakistan and Afghanistan, the president said, the U.S. nabbed the former pop singer at a Starbucks in London, England, just moments after he ordered a vente latte with skim milk.
Mr. Bush said that Mr. Stevens was currently being interrogated by U.S. officials, adding, “We have reason to believe that a certain Mr. Cat Stevens knows where those 380 tons of Iraqi explosives went to.”
On the campaign trail today, Sen. Kerry offered muted praise for the capture of Mr. Stevens, but said that if he were president the U.S. would have captured Mr. Stevens “better.”
“I would have captured him even before he ordered his vente latte,” Mr. Kerry said.
He also accused the White House of using the war on terror for political gain, noting that the Department of Homeland Security had recently raised the terror alert from “yellow” to “libe
Elsewhere, in a dry run of their Election Night coverage, CBS News declared the St. Louis Cardinals the winners of the 2004 World Series
Top
