http://borowitzreport.com/ 
ASHCROFT NABBED IN NICOLE KIDMAN’S BUSHES
Attempted to Plant Listening Device, Police Say
Just days after he formally stepped down from his post at the Justice Department, Attorney General John Ashcroft was nabbed while attempting to plant a listening device in the bushes outside actress Nicole Kidman’s home in Sydney, Australia, police officials confirmed today.
After Ms. Kidman reported “an odd rustling” in the shrubs outside her house, police rushed to the scene and found the former Attorney General dressed from head to toe in black in an apparent attempt to avoid detection.
Sgt. Lachlan Norris of the Sydney police said that only when the police officers brought Mr. Ashcroft back to the station did they realize that they had the former U.S. Attorney General in their custody.
But Sgt. Norris made it very clear that Mr. Ashcroft’s status as a former U.S. Cabinet member would not entitle him to preferential treatment in the Australian justice system: “We very much intend to throw this shrimp on the barbie.”
At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan said that the administration was “saddened” by the news that Mr. Ashcroft had attempted to bug the Academy Award-winning actress: “We knew that he wanted to continue the work he started when he was Attorney General, but not like this.”
Mr. Ashcroft’s presumptive successor at Justice, Attorney General nominee Alberto Gonzales, said he hoped that the Sydney police would treat Mr. Ashcroft well while he is in their custody: “I urge them to abide by the Geneva Conventions – even the obsolete parts.”
Elsewhere, after a contentious day of name-calling in the U.S. Senate, Dr. Condoleezza Rice denied that her pants were on fire.
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