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-   -   Moving On. (http://forums.macnn.com/89/macnn-lounge/415089/moving-on/)

 
downinflames68 May 15, 2010 02:52 PM
Moving On.
So I moved out from our place a year ago. Last summer, was definitely the worst summer I've ever had. I moved back in with my parents, having graduated in the worst economy in the past 70 years, and was unable to find full time work. This made it worse.

I started contracting, working for fairly big companies, and it was okay. I then got a place in Milwaukee, and then found a new girl. She's great.. but I keep having dreams about my ex. I think I still have a lot of feelings for her, and I don't know what to do about it.

Around Xmas, I went to her house, and she was crying, about how hard it was. This is the only time I have seen her vulnerable. Recently, she claims she is happier than any other point in her life; yet her friends tell me she is turning into a bitch, and seeming more 'fake' all the time.

Whenever I interact with her, she is mad at me. Just pissed off, all the time. I don't even know what I did to deserve this; I have just done everything she asked of me, in hopes of making her happy.

Now I'm in a relationship where I appreciate this other girl, but at the same time I can't "feel" strongly about her. I miss my old life, but it's like the girl that I was in love with doesn't even exist. Instead she's had some midlife crisis and turned into someone else.

I feel like life ****ed me over, with the economy, getting laid off, my grandma dying, and a divorce where I lost my dog, all within a 1.5 month time span. I feel like I can never, ever trust another female again, because they'll just randomly change their mind on you, and suddenly throw you out on the street. I feel like everything is transient, so nothing really matters. I take a lot of risks, because I just don't give a shit anymore.

Not really sure what I'm looking for, just wondering if anybody else has been here before.
 
Rumor May 15, 2010 02:55 PM
Stop associating with her directly. Once you do that, you can begin to move on. Maybe somewhere down the road you two can be friends, but now doesn't seem to be the time. She will most likely just try to take advantage of you.
 
Love Calm Quiet May 15, 2010 03:52 PM
There are personality types (I'll keep this non-clinical) that I call "tar-babies" - after the Uncle Remos tale: the more you interact with them, the more stuck you get. They'll wrench your heart, suck you in (especially when you're vulnerable) with their tempting charms (or seeming neediness), and then you're stuck more.

" I feel like everything is transient, so nothing really matters. I take a lot of risks, because I just don't give a shit anymore." -- you sound depressed. A pretty awful time to make important decisions. And a vulnerable time, a time when your judgment is not at its best.

I'm sure the *feeling* is real (that you can never, ever trust another female). And we certainly get into patterns where we trust *inappropriately* - maybe your feeling drawn to your ex- is a good example.

If you've never read Harville Hendrix's "Getting the Love You Want" (yeah: *title* is corny) about "imago" unconscious processes that draw us back into the same-ole painful types of relationships over and over, I recommend you pick up a copy. That "in-love" sensation where you really feel strongly about someone can be just as strong with a potential "tar-baby" (or stronger) than with a partner who is more stable and a much better opportunity for a lasting, stable relationship.

Best of luck.
 
Phileas May 15, 2010 07:23 PM
1. Everything is transient. Something we all need to get used to.

2. From what I know about you - and that's only based on your posts here, obviously - you don't seem to have learned much in the way of a lesson from your failed marriage. That would be Step One.
 
Shaddim May 15, 2010 10:04 PM
Tell her the piss off, stop seeing her. Then do things that make you happy. After a while you'll realize that your head is on straight again (if it ever really was in the first place). The end.
 
SSharon May 16, 2010 03:25 AM
I've got nothing but sympathy to offer. Keep your distance from the ex and keep posting pictures of the new boat. Let that keep you distracted this summer and see how you feel in a couple of months.
 
msuper69 May 16, 2010 06:46 AM
Quote, Originally Posted by downinflames68 (Post 3967991)
...I miss my old life, but it's like the girl that I was in love with doesn't even exist.

I feel like life ****ed me over, with the economy, getting laid off, my grandma dying, and a divorce where I lost my dog, all within a 1.5 month time span. I feel like I can never, ever trust another female again, because they'll just randomly change their mind on you, and suddenly throw you out on the street. I feel like everything is transient, so nothing really matters. I take a lot of risks, because I just don't give a shit anymore.

Not really sure what I'm looking for, just wondering if anybody else has been here before.
That first sentence is interesting. You say you 'were' (past tense) in love with her. That must mean you're not anymore.

And really, everybody has bad experiences in life. You're not a special case. All that in a 1.5 month time span is a lot but in my nearly 59 years, I've had all that and more. Life is a bitch and then you die.

Make the most of what you do have, a home, a job, a girlfriend, good health (I assume?), a good education.

This post makes you sound like a real whiner.

Try being a winner. It's all up to you.
 
Eug May 16, 2010 08:35 AM
Get a blog, or post on Facebook.
 
Sealobo May 16, 2010 09:26 AM
you're still biking and boating. i am sure you're ok.
 
analogue SPRINKLES May 16, 2010 12:48 PM
Quote, Originally Posted by Eug (Post 3968170)
Get a blog, or post on Facebook.
Ya!

http://img641.imageshack.us/img641/6...00516at124.png
 
moep May 16, 2010 01:15 PM
 
ort888 May 16, 2010 01:40 PM
If the way you interact with the real world is anything like how you interact with MacNN get used to a lot of turmoil in your life.
 
imitchellg5 May 16, 2010 07:51 PM
Take a vacation from girls, I highly recommend it.
 
Snow-i May 18, 2010 01:27 AM
To all of you in here trying to kick him while he's down, just remember you reap what you sew.

To cash:

Keep your head up. I know it feels like nothing will ever change about the way you feel now, but you said it yourself...everything is transient. Where you are 1 year from now mentally will be totally different than where you are now. Try to take all of the bad and derive whatever good you can from it...even if its just the experience or the mental tolerance for trauma. All of it will make you stronger and some can actually lead you to a better place.

There's one true constant in this life and its that everything changes. Use your time and your mind to make that change always something that makes you truly happy.

As for the girl...I've said this to many a people. you can never be friends with this girl. You can trick yourself into thinking that, telling others that, etc. but your interactions will all inevitably lead back to the same feelings and eventually the same hurt that got you where you are right now. There's no such thing as friends after love, only sometimes friends after flings. The best thing you can do is cut all of your emotional attachments to her even if it means never seeing her again. If she's turning into "someone else" its more likely she's just letting her true colors fly without hiding them for social acceptance. Understand this and realize that this one person is biasing your views of all others in this vast ocean of fish. It took me a long time to find the one, and what seemed like an even longer one to convince her I was worth her time. In the end, after my fair share of experiences, I found the one that I always seeked. I can remember stretches feeling like you do now, just keep your head up, and everyday is a new day.

Good luck, and hang in there.
 
Laminar May 18, 2010 10:32 AM
Quote, Originally Posted by Snow-i (Post 3968608)
To all of you in here trying to kick him while he's down, just remember you reap what you sew.
http://citrussewandvac.com/images/SewPrecise-a.jpg
 
Mrjinglesusa May 18, 2010 01:18 PM
Quote, Originally Posted by Snow-i (Post 3968608)
To all of you in here trying to kick him while he's down, just remember you reap what you sew.
Rob is doing just that.

BTW, it's SOW, not sew. :rolleyes:
 
PB2K May 19, 2010 05:34 AM
http://mystuffspace.com/graphic/jack-daniels.gif

i think this substitutes for the friend you don't have
 
ebuddy May 19, 2010 06:41 AM
:lol: ^^^^
 
PB2K May 19, 2010 07:43 AM
The only true answer to your misery is on the bottom of the bottle, good luck cash :)
 
residentEvil May 19, 2010 07:57 AM
Quote, Originally Posted by PB2K (Post 3968955)
http://mystuffspace.com/graphic/jack-daniels.gif

i think this substitutes for the friend you don't have
hookers* and booze would be my answer. *hump and dumps, or whatever strikes ones fancy.
 
Koralatov May 19, 2010 08:15 AM
Quote, Originally Posted by Mrjinglesusa (Post 3968749)
BTW, it's SOW, not sew. :rolleyes:
WTF has one of these got to do with anything that’s being talked about?! :confused:
 
Doofy May 19, 2010 08:20 AM
Quote, Originally Posted by Koralatov (Post 3968977)
WTF has one of these got to do with anything that’s being talked about?! :confused:
Hmmm. That's popped an interesting thought into my head. Burqas must be really quite good for breastfeeding in public places - just pop the baby under there and away you go.
 
downinflames68 May 19, 2010 08:27 AM
Quote, Originally Posted by ort888 (Post 3968224)
If the way you interact with the real world is anything like how you interact with MacNN get used to a lot of turmoil in your life.
What are you referring to?
 
Mrjinglesusa May 19, 2010 09:10 AM
Quote, Originally Posted by downinflames68 (Post 3968984)
What are you referring to?
:rolleyes:
 
imitchellg5 May 19, 2010 07:11 PM
That's completely constructive. Reported.
 
Doofy May 19, 2010 07:13 PM
Quote, Originally Posted by killgore trout (Post 3969287)
*snip*
^ The ex wife Rob?
 
torsoboy May 19, 2010 07:20 PM
When you first got divorced you were like "All I did was hang out with my friends more than I hung out with her! I'm in college, and that should be expected!!", and then "I wouldn't even take her back if she wanted me to!", and then you were like "I'm having sex with girls so much hotter than her!", and then you were like "I get to travel! This is awesome!", and then you were like "I have awesome jobs being offered to me!", and then you were like, "I'll just lie in my job interviews, and I'm sure to get the job!", and then finally "My life sucks!".

If you have finally reached the point were you have figured out that your life isn't going in the right direction, it is a great time to change it. Quit being selfish, and don't think that sex, cars, lies, backbiting, and money will keep you happy.

Like others have mentioned, you need to get your ex completely out of your life. Don't talk about her with *her* friends, don't talk about her with *your* friends, and do not visit or talk with her for any reason. Pity parties may seem nice once in a while, but they don't really do any good.

The truth is that you may never stop thinking about her completely, but it is something that you will have to learn to deal with and change your attitude about.
 
Stogieman May 19, 2010 08:18 PM
Quote, Originally Posted by downinflames68 (Post 3967991)
I feel like life ****ed me over, with the economy, getting laid off, my grandma dying, and a divorce where I lost my dog, all within a 1.5 month time span.
I see Country music in your future.
 
killgore trout May 19, 2010 08:26 PM
Quote, Originally Posted by imitchellg5 (Post 3969289)
That's completely constructive. Reported.
Yeah, it was golden. Thanks for reporting me.:stick:
 
downinflames68 May 19, 2010 09:24 PM
Quote, Originally Posted by torsoboy (Post 3969292)
When you first got divorced you were like "All I did was hang out with my friends more than I hung out with her! I'm in college, and that should be expected!!", and then "I wouldn't even take her back if she wanted me to!", and then you were like "I'm having sex with girls so much hotter than her!", and then you were like "I get to travel! This is awesome!", and then you were like "I have awesome jobs being offered to me!", and then you were like, "I'll just lie in my job interviews, and I'm sure to get the job!", and then finally "My life sucks!"..
Disagree with your assessment. I still realize my priorities were ****ed up... school and school friends were over her... which I regret. As for taking her back, I still probably wouldn't, because she is not the same person. And yeah, I had some flings with some hot girls, but that is just filler. It's like a candy bar. Tasty, but not something filling. Not really sure what you are referrencing about travel... I've never gotten to travel other than when I went to Colorado last year. And no, I have not had awesome jobs offered to me. I was #8 out of 500+ applicants for a design job overseas... I was interviewing for an A/V specialist job which I ultimately didn't want, and I still don't think my life sucks.

I actually just accepted a full time position at a design firm, and the people/environment are great; the pay is okay considering the location and it's a junior position, and I still have friends/shit to do.

Everything just seems so trivial though. I hate sleeping, because sometimes I dream about her, which is comforting, but then I just wake up depressed.

Quote
Like others have mentioned, you need to get your ex completely out of your life. Don't talk about her with *her* friends, don't talk about her with *your* friends, and do not visit or talk with her for any reason. Pity parties may seem nice once in a while, but they don't really do any good.

The truth is that you may never stop thinking about her completely, but it is something that you will have to learn to deal with and change your attitude about.
I'm not sure how to do that. She has my dog. I get her every once in a while... other than the dog, I do not communicate with her.
 
downinflames68 May 19, 2010 09:25 PM
Quote, Originally Posted by Stogieman (Post 3969299)
I see Country music in your future.
No shit, right? I just need a car that doesn't start, and maybe a hot cousin.
 
PB2K May 20, 2010 07:00 AM
I just tasted some vomit in my mouth
 
ort888 May 20, 2010 11:09 AM
Quote, Originally Posted by downinflames68 (Post 3969316)
No shit, right? I just need a car that doesn't start, and maybe a hot cousin.
Or a blog.
 
boy8cookie May 20, 2010 03:27 PM
Quote, Originally Posted by PB2K (Post 3969377)
I just tasted some vomit in my mouth
Was it your own?
 
downinflames68 May 23, 2010 01:42 PM
This blows. It's been like a year, and I still feel like damaged goods. It feels like this is all just temporary. I guess what bothers me so much is that being together made so much sense... and then it was rocky for a little while, then fantastic again for a long time. Then it was rocky during my last 1.5 years... then POOF gone. So fleeting. So... amounting to absolutely nothing.

Yeah, I shouldn't interact with her, and i don't. But am I just supposed to forget it all? Forget everything? Like none of it mattered? That just seems so wrong. It did matter, and it was real.
 
Spheric Harlot May 23, 2010 02:32 PM
Normal.

At the rate you're going, you'll probably burn out your current (and maybe next) woman to get over the last.
 
downinflames68 May 25, 2010 03:36 AM
This is normal? How?
 
Spheric Harlot May 25, 2010 04:51 AM
Quote, Originally Posted by downinflames68 (Post 3970790)
This is normal? How?
If this person was truly important to you for such a long time, how can you expect to just drop her and move on?

How can you NOT expect to think back to former loves?

Try to excise them, ignore your past and go back to doing what ruined the last relationship (wait for the fallout in a couple years/decades).
 
downinflames68 May 26, 2010 05:23 AM
I can't expect that... I guess. Which is why I don't understand how she could do that then. Just. Poof. No more. Especially after being there for her, through a lot of crap. A LOT, of crap.
 
Spheric Harlot May 26, 2010 05:36 AM
Quote, Originally Posted by downinflames68 (Post 3971120)
I can't expect that... I guess. Which is why I don't understand how she could do that then. Just. Poof. No more. Especially after being there for her, through a lot of crap. A LOT, of crap.
Your first mistake is thinking it was easy for her.
 
PB2K May 26, 2010 06:06 AM
 
imitchellg5 May 26, 2010 05:07 PM
Quote, Originally Posted by downinflames68 (Post 3971120)
I can't expect that... I guess. Which is why I don't understand how she could do that then. Just. Poof. No more. Especially after being there for her, through a lot of crap. A LOT, of crap.
I'm not meaning this to be offensive or anything (I'm serious), but...

She's a woman. They do things that are completely irrational in the male mindset. And vice versa is true.
 
Face Ache May 26, 2010 07:50 PM
Quote, Originally Posted by downinflames68 (Post 3970344)
... then POOF gone. So fleeting. So... amounting to absolutely nothing.
C'est la vie.
 
boy8cookie May 26, 2010 08:07 PM
Quote, Originally Posted by Face Ache (Post 3971322)
C'est la mort.
Fixed.
 
ShortcutToMoncton May 26, 2010 08:35 PM
Lose yourself in buying better and better quality alcohol
 
gradient May 26, 2010 11:36 PM
Quote, Originally Posted by Spheric Harlot (Post 3971121)
Your first mistake is thinking it was easy for her.
This, exactly. Things like this don't typically happen over night. If the last year and a half of the relationship was rocky, there's a VERY good chance that she had been thinking about leaving for at least a year if not longer.

Look at what led to the rockiness over the last stretch of the relationship. If you honestly have not idea, it was either largely your own doing or she's a complete psychotic. More then likely the former.
 
PB2K May 27, 2010 11:32 AM
maybe he was already this depressed and irate before she left him. it makes sense considering all his posts over the past years.
 
downinflames68 Jun 3, 2010 12:32 AM
Still bummed. Things were so good. Now they are nothing. It's confusing.... I have another girl who is cool... but.. I still feel crappy.
 
brassplayersrock² Jun 3, 2010 12:36 AM
Life is a lot of little moments. If the girl makes more bad moments then good; get rid of her.
 
downinflames68 Jun 3, 2010 01:06 AM
No, she is all good moments, and good intentions... it's just me. I'm not sure how to ever make anything worth feeling ever again if it can all amount to nothing. I mean... if I ever decide to actually care, she could just change who she is, start worshipping the moon and other BS, then POOF, be gone. So. Instead I just don't care about anything. I feel hollow, empty, and content.
 
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