[Peter]

Not sure what to write, here is mine so far:

The IT field has always appealed to me as a possible career as it is very wide and has thousands of possible jobs. I believe the IT field will be ever expanding, especially with the ever growing video game and movie industries. The most interesting areas, in my opinon are the creative and hands on areas, such as digital medias or advanced networking.
I began learning about the behind the scenes aspects of Computing when i had a meeting with the Head of IT at Lloyds of London, the meeting taught me all about what different careers involve, and what is required to get a starting step into the field. I also learnt about team work during my part time job at ASDA, where i have worked for over a year during college term time.
Outside of computing i enjoy listening to music, watching movies, reading and sailling.

any opinons?

[SafariX]

Are you serious?

The sentence structure, flow and content are in serious trouble.

[Peter]

Originally posted by SafariX:
Are you serious?

The sentence structure, flow and content are in serious trouble.

[Peter]

lemme edit to latest version. sec.

[SafariX]

Original:
I first decided i wished to persue the ICT area as a career when i was young and playing with a Gameboy, and from there moved onto all things computer. My interest in the field pursed into me main hobby and main education subject, I've learnt a great deal on the inside working of networks and business structures by visting Lloyds of London and talking to the Head of ICT there.
I find all areas of computing interesting, I've learnt about many aspects thanks to my GNVQ and BTEC in ICT. The main subjects that stand out are anything that is creative (movies, animation, video games) and networking. This is because you can look back on what you have made and see it work (hopefully!).


5 minute rewrite:
My appreciation of technology and the computing arena has radpidly developed since I was a young man, from my interests in gaming to the internet and "insert others here." Networking and business structures interest me most, a topic I have discussed with the head of ICT at Lloyds of London. These passions have led me to pursue a future in ICT, a program that I feel "XXX School" has tailored towards solid technological comprehension and forward thinking application.

In addition to networking, my technological curiosities include digital media like animation and film, as the aesthetic value is wonderful to review after completion.

[SimeyTheLimey]

Originally posted by Peter:
Not sure what to write, here is mine so far:

any opinons?

I'm tempted to edit, but then it wouldn't be a personal statement, would it? However, I guess tips are OK.

Capitalizes "I," don't capitalize "computing." Separate paragraphs with a line (and maybe an indent).

Clauses should also be set apart with commas --> The most interesting areas, in my opinion, are the creative . . . (Note: check that UK style prefers this, it could be different from US English, it is with lists).

Shorter declarative sentences are better than longer ones. Professional writing in the UK isn't as strict about that as the US, but it is still the case that making your reader hunt for the idea you are conveying is a bad idea. Try to make things flow without equivocating introductions. For example, instead of:

The most interesting areas, in my opinion are the creative and hands on areas, such as digital medias or advanced networking. I began learning about these behind the scenes aspects of Computing when I had a meeting with the Head of IT at Lloyds of London, the meeting taught me all about what different careers involve, and what is required to get a starting step in the field.

How about something like:

I am most interested in creative and hands on areas such as digital media [Note: media is plural already] or advanced networking. I first learned about these behind the scenes aspects of computing when I met with the Head of Information Technology at Lloyds of London. I was fascinated to learn about what different careers involve, and starting steps are required.

Also, paragraphs are best structured so that ideas flow logically from one sentence to the next. A --> B --> C. You can't just throw things together.

Note in particular that your sentence about your meeting with the head of IT doesn't support your topic sentence. You started telling us about yout interests in digital media and advanced networking. Then you tell us about your meeting. But during that meeting you tell us you learned about getting started in the career. What happened to digital media and advanced networking? What did he tell you that was relevant to that?


I hope this helps and I don't mean to be harsh, I did O and A level English before I did college in the US. I know they really don't teach you this stuff. A friend of mine went to Cambridge and then did law school in the US. He was so upset in writing class, they tore him apart!

[SafariX]

You should pay someone to write this for you. I am being perfectly honest when I say your writing is terrible. I am more than willing to help, however.

[Zimmerman]

I think you should sue your high school for negligence, Peter. You obviously never had an English class that was worth crap (not necessarily your fault).

[Peter]

haha, I got an A in english lang and lit at GCSE too

[paully dub]

I want to just throw in here that IT on its own is a definite no no. I would phrase it differently or if I absolutely had to do something like: Information Technologies (IT) and then use IT afterwards.

Simey's is pretty much how I'd phrase it. And if you make the statement that something is interesting to you, it's a good idea to let the reader know why.

I find X interesting because (reason that ties with original statement about you and computing, technology or whatever you want to call it).

[drive-thru]

Originally posted by Zimmerman:
I think you should sue your high school for negligence, Peter. You obviously never had an English class that was worth crap (not necessarily your fault).

Unfortunately that's the way it is in the UK. You don't get taught the rules of the language nor how to construct proper paragraphs.
However, he's doing the right thing and asking for advice. Peter, I assume you've already discussed your personal statement with your teacher(s), if not I suggest you do, as they will not only be able to guide you in terms of the structure, but also will be able to tell you what most Admissions Tutors will be looking out for. Remember that these people will have to read hundreds of these statements and judge whether or not the applicant is worthy of an interview based, in part, upon the statement.

It's been a while since I wrote mine, but I remember that it's your only chance in the application form to write about why you have chosen that area of study. I focussed mine towards the university I wanted to go to, writing about how important I considered the industrial experience aspect of the course. That didn't do me any favours at my interviews with other universities which didn't offer a placement year, but I know that it stood to the university I wanted to go to - we spoke a lot about it at my interview there (and I got the place).
If there is one particular university you want to attend then consider writing your personal statement as though you are writing directly to the Admissions Tutor for that course. Be careful not to exclude your other choices by doing this. Don't be too specific about it, but if there is something about the course that you can mention then do so.

Try writing a few more personal statements, bearing in mind who you are writing it to and what the objective is. If you're not happy with one version just write a new one, don't waste time editing at this point.

Edit - the last poster made a good point. Everyone who applies for an IT course is going to say they are interested in X, Y and Z. To an Admissions Tutor this isn't very interesting, "Oh he's interested in blah, blah, blah, just like the last 100 applicants." Make it your personal statement and explain why. If this is your passion then be passionate about it.

[Amorya]

Well, I've had compliments on my personal statement from lots of people, including an Oxbridge admissions tutor! (Wasn't enough to get them to let me in though )

[Edited to add: I know exactly why I didn't get into Oxford, and it was due to lack of a biology qualification. I'm now happily at Warwick. My statement didn't fail me ]

What I did was completely throw out the 'rules' and do my own thing. (For those of you that don't know, UK schools give out a skeleton personal statement and try and just get you to fill in the gaps. It results in everyone looking exactly the same - one paragraph for future career, one for your extracurricular interests, and so on.)

Since I wanted to do Psychology, I chose to start mine with a series of semi-philosophical questions about the human mind. I then expanded on them in a bit more detail, and explained how Psychology could seek to answer such questions. Since pretty much any Psych staff member will have experienced the "this is not a real science" attitude, I threw in a big chunk about how it is important to study psychology scientifically.

I tied it all in with why I was interested, and what areas I was interested in... but anything you write about that will not stand out to the poor sod reading the form. They get about 5 minutes per application to glance over you and decide whether to eliminate you from the running or not. Anything that shows you've actually thought about the subject (as opposed to "I like ___ because ___ and I want a good job to make money") will probably get you a second reading.


Amorya

[lil'babykitten]

Sheesh some of the comments here were harsh! I didn't think it was a particularly bad start. You just have to keep re-drafting it, making small adjustments until it's perfect. The most important thing is to try and make it as unique as possible so it stands out from the several hundred other applicants. That's the most challenging aspect of it.

Good luck!

Amorya - One of my lecturers used to teach at Warwick Uni before he joined mine and he's brilliant! /random statement.

[Peter]

I've updated my statement, any opinons on:

From a very early age I was receiving awards from my local IT learning centre. My interests have developed from general computing to all aspects of the Internet and video gaming. I enjoy the unique facility offered using IT as a media of communication on many levels.
Having spent many years using these facilities I would now like to gain the skills and expertise to enable me to create and explore my own ideas.

I recently learned about the behind the scenes of computing in commerce when I met with the Head of Information Technology at Lloyds of London. I was fascinated to observe the different aspects of IT involved in running a large business.
I believe digital media production and editing will be necessary as an effective tool of communication within all industries and there are great opportunities in this IT field. This is the reason why I am perusing this field for another 3 or 4 years to gain more expertise in this topic.

I also like Ridley Scott movies, including Black Hawk Down and the Alien trilogy. I enjoy reading all modern military books; my favourite authors include Andy McNab, Chris Ryan and Tom Clancy. My music tastes include Rammstein, Angra, Rob Zombie and 3 Doors Down. Although I enjoy my own company, and consider myself to be self motivated and self disciplined I have demonstrated my ability to be a good team member by working at ASDA for the past year.

thanks

[SimeyTheLimey]

Much, much better. My two cents, or 1p as it probably is now.

Backspace the second sentences of your first two paragraphs. You can't put a hard return after a full stop. It makes it look like you meant to make it a new paragraph. Only you can't really have a paragraph with only one sentence in it.

"was receiving" = received.
"first learned" = learned. This is just a stylistic thing, but the compound form of the past tense is clumsy and less direct. It's ok for spoken English, but doesn't really belong in anything formal that is written.

What is commerce? Is that the name of a class? If so, say so. Don't assume knowledge on the part of the reader.

It should be three or four years, not 3 or 4 years.

Spell out IT. I know you know he knows the acronym, but you should still spell it out at least once.

I wouldn't tell him you are perusing his field. He might decide to accept someone in your stead who is more committed.

I'm a little doubtful about including your musical and literature tastes. Unless it is something impressive (which you need to be able to back up), you run the risk of negative stereotypes if the reader doesn't share your interests. I have read the odd Tom Clancy book too, but it is a form of literature that could brand you a lightweight. Just say you enjoy reading and listening to music.

Good luck!

[Angus_D]

Originally posted by Peter:
haha, I got an A in english lang and lit at GCSE too

Yeah, but GCSEs are absolutely ridiculous these days.

Oh, and I would recommend getting your application off to UCAS at least a month ago.

[entrox]

What course is this for? If it is Computer Science, I'd include that you're not afraid of math. CS at university-level usually equates to theory and math - lot's of it.

[Randman]

My interest in the IT field, which I've had since I was quite young and involved in my local IT learning centre, has developed from general computing to include all aspects of the Internet and video gaming.
Now, I would like to expand my horizons and gain the requisite skills and expertise to enable me to explore my own ideas.

I recently learned about the behind-the-scenes impact of computing in commerce when I met with the head of Information Technology at Lloyds of London. I was fascinated to learn about and observe the different aspects of IT that are involved in running a business.

I believe digital media production and editing will be necessary as an effective tool of communication within all industries. This is the reason why I am keen to stuy in this field.

On the personal side, I am a fan of Ridley Scott's movies, including Black Hawk Down and Alien, as he effortlessly melds traditional movie-making with technology.

I consider myself to be self-motivated and disciplined. And I have demonstrated an ability to function and thrive in a group enivorment by working at ASDA over the past year.

In conclusion, while I am aware that the field I am interested in pursuing for a career is crowded and that competition can be though, I have enough faith in myself and my skills and my capacity to learn in order to make my mark in the world of IT.

I thank you for your time.

[Randman]

That's a quick edit, without reworking everything. It could still be tightened.

Couple of notes: Your writing sucks. Poor grammar and punctuation. You have some good ideas but get muddled. Focus on the message and don't wander.

Check your facts. Ridley Scott was not responsible for the entire Alien trilogy. Some guy named James Cameron also had a part to play.

Don't be discouraged by these criticisms. Sounds as if you have a plan. Don't lose sight of that.