[macintologist]

update : The latest draft is in my last post..

//

Hey guys,

I'm writing a letter to the IT Director on behalf of my university's computer science club. Would you guys care to make any recommendations on concision and organization? Grammar too.

//

To (University IT Director)

The Unversity Computer Science Club has noticed the removal of the Mozilla Thunderbird software from all the student lab computers including residence hall labs and the ITC. As you may know, Mozilla Thunderbird is an award-winning open source email client that students, especially those who do not own a computer, rely on for an optimal email experience beyond that offered by Webmail.

Thunderbird offers many features that plain Webmail couldn’t. For example, Thunderbird has anti-phishing protection for students from emails that pretend to be from reputable financial websites and thus solicit personal and financial information from its victims. Thunderbird can display a warning on suspicious emails, thus helping students prevent being victimizing by this internet security threat. Webmail offers no such protection. Thunderbird also has vastly superior email searching and organization features. For example, Thunderbird lets the user tag emails under certain categories, such as “Done” or “To Do”. Moving an email between folders is much easier in Thunderbird and you can also sort emails by threads which means being able to view an entire email correspondence all at once. Webmail offers no such feature.

As email has become the preferred communication method between students and faculty, student organizations, and the university itself, we believe it is imperative that students have access to the best software for managing this medium. Before its removal, Mozilla Thunderbird was an important alternative to the slow and unintuitive Webmail interface.

The Computer Science Club is concerned with the nature of this software removal. It was performed hastily and without consultation. For now, all we ask is an explanation, technical or otherwise, for the reason that Thunderbird was removed. We look forward to future correspondences on this issue.

Sincerely,

Members of the University Computer Science Club
//

[peeb]

Frankly, I would call the dude up first, and have a friendly chat - sending a letter like that sets things up as a confrontation. My rule of thumb is to try to use the most face-to-face, highest bandwidth method of communication first. Give him a call, as for a face-to-face meeting to chat about email clients.

[macintologist]

Ok, here's one thing that the letter doesn't mention. I already had that one-to-one conversation and I was pretty much blown off. I asked the IT guy responsible for software "Why did you guys take Thunderbird off of the computers"

his answer?

"Why can't you just use Webmail?"

Do you think I should include that in the letter? This is actually going straight to the IT Director.

[peeb]

Hmmm. That places a different spin on it - yes, I would mention that you spoke with the guy but that you did not get a response on why TB was removed.

[olePigeon]

Shrug. Here's my take. Oisin is the grammar expert (or whoever it is that knows 12 languages):

To (University IT Director)

The University Computer Science Club has noticed the removal of the Mozilla Thunderbird software from all the student lab computers including residence hall labs and the ITC. As you may know, Mozilla Thunderbird is an award-winning open source email client that students, (especially those who do not own a computer), rely on for an optimal email experience beyond that offered by Webmail.

Thunderbird offers many features that plain Webmail couldn’t doesn't. For example, Thunderbird has anti-phishing protection for students from emails that pretend to be from reputable financial websites, and thus solicit personal and financial information from its victims. Thunderbird can also display a warning on in regards to suspicious emails, thus helping to protect students from prevent being victimizing victimized by this internet security threats. Webmail offers no such protection. Thunderbird also has vastly superior email searching and organization features,. For example, Thunderbird lets such as letting the user tag emails under certain categories, such as like “Done” or “To Do”. Moving an email between folders is much easier in than Thunderbird webmail. Thunderbird and you can also has the ability to sort emails by threads, allowing a person which means being able to view an entire email correspondence all at once. Webmail offers no such feature.

As email has become is the preferred medium of communication method between students and faculty, student organizations, and the university itself,. we The Computer Scince Club believes it is imperative that students have access to the best software for managing this medium. Before its removal, Mozilla Thunderbird was an important alternative to the slow and unintuitive Webmail interface.

The Computer Science Club is concerned for the students, staff, and fellow organizations. with the nature of this software removal. It The removal of Mozilla Thunderbird was performed hastily and without consultation. For now, all we ask is an explanation, technical or otherwise, for the reason that Thunderbird was removed. We look forward to future correspondences on this issue.

Sincerely,

Members of the University Computer Science Club

[andi*pandi]

missing i:

To (University IT Director)

The University Computer

and I like the pigeon's edit.

[macintologist]

Thanks so much Pigeon, that was a huge help. I have one question, what was wrong with saying "The Computer Science Club is concerned with the nature of this software removal", specifically the word nature?

[Gossamer]

Originally Posted by olePigeon 

It[/s] The removal of Mozilla Firebird was performed hastily and without consultation.

Hehe.
http://www.ajgeneral.com/image_manager/Firebird.JPG

[strictlyplaid]

[Chuckit]

Originally Posted by macintologist 

Thanks so much Pigeon, that was a huge help. I have one question, what was wrong with saying "The Computer Science Club is concerned with the nature of this software removal", specifically the word nature?

In my opinion, it's a bit vague and could be interpreted as some kind of "OMG anti-Mozilla conspiracy!" accusation as easily as anything else. Pigeon's suggestion sounds more level-headed.

One change to Pigeon's suggestion, though: I don't think "Moving email between folders is easier than webmail because you can sort emails by threads…" matches what you were trying to say. The ease of moving mail between folders and the ability to view threads aren't really related, as far as I can tell. A better rephrasing would be "Moving email between folders is easier than with Webmail. Thunderbird also has the ability to sort email by threads…"

[olePigeon]

I was trying to make it sound like you have the students' interests at heart first, which is why you're concerned with the removal of Thunderbird. I just thought the other one sounded like you were just a fan of Thunderbird and was mad that they took it off (which can be true, but that's not a legitimate reason to put it back on.)

Someone should spellcheck my spellcheck.

[imitchellg5]

Could it have been removed to make way for Thunderbird 2?

[macintologist]

Originally Posted by imitchellg5 

Could it have been removed to make way for Thunderbird 2?

No because they normally keep the old versions on the computers and then when summer comes around they update the image and put the latest version on there and reimage all the computers.

[Oisín]

My take (based on olePigeon’s version more than the original, really) below. Corrections/suggestions are in red (deleting the words they replace); words I’d simply get rid of without changing for something else are in blue:

To (University IT Director)

The University Computer Science Club has noticed the removal of the Mozilla Thunderbird software from all the student lab computers, including in residence hall labs and the ITC. (As you may know,) Mozilla Thunderbird is an award-winning open source e-mail client, one that students—especially those who do not own a computer—rely on for an optimal e-mail experience beyond that offered by Webmail.

[see below for first half of second paragraph]

Thunderbird also has vastly superior e-mail searching and organization features, allowing the user to tag e-mails under certain categories, such as “Done” or “To Do”. Similarly, moving an e-mail between folders is much easier in Thunderbird than in Webmail, and you can also sort e-mails into threads, thus offering a view of an entire email correspondence all at once. Webmail offers no such feature.

E-mail is the preferred form of communication between students, faculty, student organizations, and the university itself, and The Computer Science Club believes it is imperative that students have access to the best software for managing this medium.
[add paragraph break]
Before being removed, Mozilla Thunderbird was an important alternative to the slow and unintuitive [‘counterintuitive’ perhaps better? Not sure there really is such a word as ‘unintuitive’—it’s not in OS X’s dictionary or m-w.com, the latter of which suggests, among others, “anti-Soviet” instead ] Webmail interface.

The removal of Mozilla Thunderbird gives the Computer Science Club much concern for the convenience in regards to e-mail communication of the students, staff, and fellow organizations. The removal was performed hastily and without consultation. For now, all we ask is an explanation, technical or otherwise, for the reason why Thunderbird was removed. We look forward to future correspondences on this issue.

Sincerely,

Members of the University Computer Science Club[/QUOTE]



The first half of the second paragraph, to me at least, lacks some ‘flow’, and I’d suggest rewording it completely; also, I’d cut the part below out as a paragraph of its own, separating the original second paragraph into a second and third paragraph. Suggestion:

Thunderbird offers many features that plain Webmail doesn’t, such as protection for students against ‘phishing’ e-mails pretending to be from reputable financial websites, soliciting personal and financial information from their victims; or the ability to detect and display warnings on suspicious-looking e-mails. Both these features are useful tools in helping students to avoid being victimized by various security threats on the Internet. The Webmail interface offers no such protection.





Some of the changes are perhaps a bit radical—feel free to pick and choose as you like. I’m not sure if there’s a particular reason you capitalise “Webmail”, but I’ve kept to your style; and changing “email” to “e-mail” is mostly a matter of personal preference, I suppose.

(And don’t forget, I’m not a native speaker, and I’ve been going back and forth between single words for a while here, so some of it might not make proper sense, either)

I suggest the entire CS club meet with the IT director in person. It's hard to brush off so many people. Get a petition (a real one, not a worthless online one) from students.

I hate it when the IT employees fail to realize they are hired to serve you, not the other way around.

[Atomic Rooster]

i think circumcision is over-rated.

[tie]

Here's my suggestion

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[Oisín]

Originally Posted by tie 

Here's my suggestion

I see what you did there. Petition via spam. Clever!

[macintologist]

Originally Posted by hayesk 

I hate it when the IT employees fail to realize they are hired to serve you, not the other way around.

I TOTALLY AGREE!!!!!!!!!!


(sorry for the caps, but it's true!)

[macintologist]

I can't help but realize that many of you sympathize with our cause

[macintologist]

Ok guys, here's my latest draft, this one is like a version 0.9

When it says "University", that's just a substitute for the real name, just for privacy reasons.

To (name of recipient), Chief Information Officer

A number of students have noticed the removal of the Mozilla Thunderbird e-mail client from all the student lab computers, both academic and residential. As you may know, Thunderbird is an award-winning open source e-mail client that many University students - especially those who do not own a computer – have come to rely on for an optimal e-mail experience beyond that offered by WebMail.

Thunderbird offers many features that Webmail doesn’t, such as protection for students against ‘phishing’ e-mails pretending to be from reputable financial websites, soliciting personal and financial information from their victims; or the ability to detect and display warnings on suspicious-looking e-mails. Both these features are useful tools in helping students to avoid being victimized by various security threats on the Internet. The Webmail interface offers no such protection.

Thunderbird also has vastly superior e-mail searching and organization features, allowing the student to tag e-mails under certain categories, such as “Done” or “To Do”. Similarly, moving e-mail between folders is easier in Thunderbird than in Webmail, and you can also sort e-mails into threads which allows students to view an entire e-mail correspondence all at once. Webmail offers no comparable features.

The Computer Science Club is concerned with the removal of this software from University-owned computers, as we believe it was removed hastily and without consultation of its primary users: the students! As e-mail has increasingly become the preferred communication method between students and faculty, staff, student organizations, and the administration, we believe it is important that students once again have access to such accommodating software as Mozilla Thunderbird for managing this medium of communication, and we respectfully request its restoration, if not a reason for its recent removal.

We look forward to our future correspondence on this issue.

Sincerely,

Members of the University Computer Science Club

I have some questions. First, should I start with "A number of students.." or "The Computer Science club". My friend who made the change argues that if you start with "A number of students" that are emphasizing that it is the students, not necesarily just the CS Club that is suffering from this problem.

Next question, how do you guys feel about the change in tone in the last paragraph?

[Atomic Rooster]

This is better...

Fer now, all we ask be an explanation, technical or otherwise, fer th' reason that Thunderbird was scuttled. We look fore t' future correspondences on this issue.

[red rocket]

It's probably just a matter of taste, but I feel that the following sentences deserve their own paragraph, just for emphasis' sake:

The Webmail interface offers no such protection.

Webmail offers no comparable features.

Originally Posted by macintologist

I have some questions. First, should I start with "A number of students.." or "The Computer Science club". My friend who made the change argues that if you start with "A number of students" that are emphasizing that it is the students, not necesarily just the CS Club that is suffering from this problem.

I think if you start with "a number of students," it sounds a bit vague. What students? Names? How many?

How about something like: After receiving numerous complaints from members of the student body, the Unversity Computer Science Club has confirmed the disappearance of the Mozilla Thunderbird software from all the student lab computers, including residence hall labs and the ITC.

Originally Posted by macintologist

The Computer Science Club is concerned with the removal of this software from University-owned computers, as we believe it was removed hastily and without consultation of its primary users: the students!

Next question, how do you guys feel about the change in tone in the last paragraph?

I'd scrap the exclamation mark. Too much drama.

[macintologist]

I'll keep y'all updated on how this goes!

[Oisín]

I'd scrap the exclamation mark. Too much drama.

I agree. No exclamation marks in formal letters!

How about something like: After receiving numerous complaints from members of the student body, the Unversity Computer Science Club has confirmed the disappearance of the Mozilla Thunderbird software from all the student lab computers, including residence hall labs and the ITC.

Not sure about “complaints”—makes it sound a bit too much like an attack, rather than a polite letter. Perhaps, ‘inquiries’ or ‘approaches’ (or something like, “Having been approached by numerous members of the student body...”).



General note to the letter (picky, I know): make sure you distinguish your hyphens from your en/em dashes. And add a comma in “you can also sort e-mails into threads, which allows students to view an entire e-mail correspondence all at once”.

[bstone]

Have you sent it yet? Has he replied yet?

[macintologist]

I'm taking the letter to our CS Club meeting on Wednesday, where it will be signed by all the members. It will be delivered very soon after that.

[peeb]

You might consider placing the letter, along with the monitor from a Unix workstation, in his bed, a kind of an offer he cannot refuse?

[macintologist]

Here is how the first sentence of the last paragraph goes:

The Computer Science Club is concerned with the removal of this software from University-owned computers, as we believe it was removed hastily and without proper consultation.

No more exclamation point. This is a private liberal arts college, so students pay a lot of money to go here. I'd LOVE to say something like "since the students already spend enough money coming here, we believe it is insulting that you should remove this software without their permission."

Lol, I won't