Howdy,

any parents around? 50-years-marriagers...? Any divorces?

No, seriously, what's the recipe? Is it really true it is a miraculous debate on life as a whole? I mean, how do you know? How important is a feeling, where do the feelings start, where do they end? How do you make your decisions?

It is really just a topic for general interest, I really have to think through the new MacBook Airs etc., but sometimes... There is something that is so unrelated to your casual decision-making, to "life as a whole", it is more a relationship leading debate you have to go along with.

You undstand my problem, friends... I might be in trouble soon enough, need some information now.
Pete

[subego]

It's the old cliche: communication.

More specifically, if that isn't working out right, you start conditioning the other person not to communicate.

That's the big reason me and my ex didn't work out. I'm confrontational, large, and if you raise your voice at me I will raise it back, and louder than you. I have big lungs.

She was non-confrontational, and had a violent home life. She would try to avoid the conflict, and would even lie about how she felt to end the argument.

At some point, we convinced each other it was much easier not to discuss things, because frankly, it was.


As a side note, this makes the problem seem evenly divided between us, but it wasn't. Her family life drove her totally batshit. Didn't realize it when we got together because she had basically given up on life as a pursuit and was all about having fun (using payday loans to buy blow and the like). Once she saw she could have a future with me, all the stuff she had decided to ignore about her upbringing suddenly needed to be confronted. Like her dad grabbing her and putting a gun to her head. Her sister even grabbed a gun once and tried to shoot their dad, but it jammed.

That will drive you batshit, and to her credit, she dumped me because she thought she was bringing me down... which OMFG, was she. Basically carved a 10 year divot out of my career while my full time job became dealing with her passive-aggressive bullshit.

Oi...

[subego]

Well, you know... shit happens.

We're still friends. She lives down the block.

[Uncle Skeleton]

I don't speak from experience, but my best guess is that "making it work" is in balance with "calling it quits," and one of the things that has made the former less common is that the latter is made easier. Or in other words, if you don't consider divorce an option, then you tend to work harder at staying together, because you just always have this knowledge that you're stuck with each other so you might as well make it the best it can be. By contrast, if you always have this idea that you could leave if you really wanted to, then that knowledge could poison your efforts to be nice and a good partner for the other person. It saps your motivation to make the various efforts to endear oneself on an ongoing basis.

[Shaddim]

Be kind, don't shout, and honestly try to see things from their POV. Those go a really long way towards domestic tranquility.

[subego]

Originally Posted by Uncle Skeleton 

I don't speak from experience, but my best guess is that "making it work" is in balance with "calling it quits," and one of the things that has made the former less common is that the latter is made easier. Or in other words, if you don't consider divorce an option, then you tend to work harder at staying together, because you just always have this knowledge that you're stuck with each other so you might as well make it the best it can be. By contrast, if you always have this idea that you could leave if you really wanted to, then that knowledge could poison your efforts to be nice and a good partner for the other person. It saps your motivation to make the various efforts to endear oneself on an ongoing basis.

Obviously however, that's really bad if a relationship isn't meant to be. I'm a tuck the ball under my arm and take the concussion sorta guy, and all that was doing was keeping me in a bad relationship.

[Face Ache]

Be the type of person who can have a stable relationship.

Be with someone who is also the type of person who can have a stable relationship.

Keep each other happy.

No guarantees it'll work out, but unless you start there you're doomed to failure (or at least unhappiness).

The high failure rate is due to too many unstable people out there. A lot of people can't reason or think straight (have you seen Facebook?). Many folks have emotional issues. Some stay in bad relationships just because they're afraid of being alone.

What you need is a brain, a heart, and courage!

[Uncle Skeleton]

Originally Posted by subego 

Obviously however, that's really bad if a relationship isn't meant to be. I'm a tuck the ball under my arm and take the concussion sorta guy, and all that was doing was keeping me in a bad relationship.

What I mean is, there's no special recipe. Trying is the recipe, that's it. It's not easy, but, like you say, it can work even if "working" isn't really the best outcome. Incompatible people can stay together if they try hard enough, and compatible people can fall apart if they don't try hard enough. You gotta do the work, there's no shortcut.

[subego]

Ahh... well clarified!

[Spheric Harlot]

Originally Posted by Face Ache 

What you need is a brain, a heart, and courage!

Judy Garland didn't do too well in the "stable" department.

[Atheist]

Originally Posted by Face Ache 

Be the type of person who can have a stable relationship.

Be with someone who is also the type of person who can have a stable relationship.

Very true. I'm convinced most people have no idea what they are getting in to when they enter into a relationship.

Know who you are and what you want in life and make sure your potential partner does as well.
Have clear expectations of the relationship. Not everyone enters into a relationship for the same reason.
Be prepared to work at it. Relationships don't just magically happen. They are built with blood, sweat and tears.
Don't be selfish. Be willing to compromise.
ALWAYS have your partners back, no matter what.
Fighting generally causes more harm than good. Constructive arguments are awesome. Fights are childish.
Be honest. A relationship without trust is as hollow as a dead tree.

And lastly, relationships are defined by the people in them. Don't look outside your relationship for validation.

[Thorzdad]

I'd have to say the keystone of our 34-year marriage has been trust. No rules. No one lording-over the other. You simply trust that your partner isn't going to do anything against the marriage. Each is free to go and do as they please, trusting that both will stay true to the commitment we made 34 years ago. It's worked so far.

[subego]

Part of that trust is when it feels like your mate is shoving the dagger in your stomach, realizing there's probably a miscommunication, rather than nasty intent.

[Sealobo]

do not grow up.

do not see more of the world.

do not get rich.

do not go broke.

stay exactly where you're when you guys met each other.

finally, don't check his/her ****ing phone.

[Spheric Harlot]

^ that doesn't sound like advice from someone who knows how to lead a stable relationship — it's cynicism from someone who's figured out one way NOT to do it.

[Sealobo]

Originally Posted by Spheric Harlot 

^ that doesn't sound like advice from someone who knows how to lead a stable relationship — it's cynicism from someone who's figured out one way NOT to do it.

what if relationships are inherently unstable? why would one assume that relationships are supposed to be stable to begin with?

a stable relationship needs little or no maintenance. this usually applies to married couple with little financial freedom who are together stuck with a few kids heading to college or something.

[subego]

I know no one in the situation you describe who considers it stable.

[Sealobo]

really...

well if you're stuck in something then i think it would constitute being stable... no?

[subego]

No.

[Laminar]

Originally Posted by Sealobo 

really...

well if you're stuck in something then i think it would constitute being stable... no?

What does "stable" look like on a day-to-day basis? What characterizes typical interactions, conversations, and conflict resolution?

[andi*pandi]

stable, meaning sturdy or not moving: "The table is stable, set the ladle down." Reliable.

being trapped in quicksand, while you are not moving, is not stable.

[subego]

I had a Buffalo Bill moment there...

"It puts the ladle on the table."

[Face Ache]

Originally Posted by Sealobo 

what if relationships are inherently unstable? why would one assume that relationships are supposed to be stable to begin with?

a stable relationship needs little or no maintenance. this usually applies to married couple with little financial freedom who are together stuck with a few kids heading to college or something.

I mean keeping things on a stable course. Relationships have ups and downs. People have ups and downs. What you want to avoid is a nose dive.

I've dated a few Kamikaze pilots in my time. Eject! Eject! Eject!

[subego]

Eject?

Kamakaze pilot... you had one job.