[Hawkeye_a]

I don't often share my personal life/experiences on message boards, especially regarding relationships, but i wold like some perspective on an 'issue' that i've noticed with myself.

For an example, i'll start with what happened about a week ago. A couple of friends and myself, headed into the country for a three day music festival. accommodation….. tents. They were expecting(on a mission) to hook up, i just wanted to get unplugged and enjoy some live music. So we set up our tents, with like thousands of other people all doing the same. A friend sees a pair of girls set up next to us so he initiates contact, and they seem friendly enough. He tells me he's into one of them(who's from overseas).

The next morning we all head out to the beach(not together). So me n my bud are in the water, just mucking about and the girls come over. introductions ensue, and i figured since he's going to get his game on, ill just play the wingman and make friendly conversation. He takes care of the bulk of the conversation, and i start to get bored, so i notice people jumping/diving off the pier, so obviously i had to try it out. I braze the seabed, and come out. She asked me how it was, and i told her it was pretty shallow and i hit the bottom….i got a hug . Next thing i know my friend is out of the water and about to jump in….he's bigger and heavier than me….and he ends up damaging his foot(sprained/fractured/who knows). So the girl n me just end up talking a bit, nothing major. We head into town and my friend and the girls end up chilling at a cafe….while me n another friend take a look around town and get some breakfast. i figured it was a good idea to leave them alone. We all end up at the cafe and just talking shyte, i stay relatively quiet….. except for the unexpected inappropriate joke, obviously . They told us that they were heading to the next town after the festival and that we were joining them…unfortunately they were on holiday and we had jobs to get back to in the opposite direction.

So, we get back to camp. I tan easily and get sunburnt as well, so i was just checking out my arms to see if i had gotten burnt. She comes over and compliments my 'beautiful skin'…okkkkk. I didn't have my contact lenses so couldn't really see too far. we all got into a circle to have lunch and i was focused on my hotdog. my friend on the other hand was chatting her up, who later informs me that the whole time her eyes were solely on me. AT that point my friend told me that she's into me and that he's backing off. So that night we ended up talking a lot, lots of personal stuff before a concert, which was very unusual for me(i don't open up that fast). but she seems like a very cool gal. And at this festival all the guys were like Hyenas, i mean it was like watching a nature show, and i could almost hear Attenborough's commentary i the background 'And here we have another male of the species trying to woo the female for an opportunity to mate', and they were hitting on her constantly, which she shrugged off. Unfortunately, since there were like 4-5 stages, we didn't always end up at the same concerts. So i started to really like her after all that. She seemed uninhibited, cool, funny, no attitude, etc. And then i did what i always do……freak out. In my mind i was thinking, we'll just see each other for 3-4 days and then go our separate ways, so there's no point getting attached in any way, cause it wont end well. And even if did, she'll be leaving the country in a month anyway. So we kept things cordial, and she got pretty touchy feeley(no complaints from me), and i found myself liking her even more.

On the last night, my friend ends up aggravating his injured foot even more so we head back to camp and call it a night at midnight. there were a few people hanging outside our tents talking, and i hear the girls get back and ask them if they had seen us….i turn on my iPod and doze off pretty fast. The next morning i wake up and start packing up…only to notice another dude sticking his head into the girl's tent and sounding pretty 'familiar' with them. I assumed that something had happened…. and now apparently this new dude(and his friends i guess) was tagging with them to the next town. That morning the only exchange between them and us was a 'well nice meeting you, bye'….literally.

I was just a bit confused….and my friend ends up telling me that there were people right outside our tents partying till 4am, and that this dude was hitting on the girl and she was responding, but didn't up hooking up.

So i guessed i messed up. Whenever i meet a girl and there's no pretext to woo them i can just be myself, as soon as 'something' starts developing(cause im so awesome )….. i run for the hills. This has happened many times, and in the past, there have been legitimate(to me) reasons. I know i have trust issue and definitely a fear of commitment(heck it wasn't until the iPhone that i actually signed a phone contract, everything else is on a month-to-month basis). My friends pointed it out at the festival…. and the post-mortem are the usual cliches 'there are many more fish in the sea', 'she was a bit iffy cause of the dude on the final night', etc.

In hindsight, i wish i had pursued it, cause for me, a girl of this calibre has only come along once ever 3 years. And of them all, she was definitely up there. And even if she was only going to be hear for a month, if it worked out it could have worked out fine(many of my friends have moved across the globe for this reason). The tragedy is that we didn't even exchange any contact information.

Do you guys have any insight? or advice on how to overcome this mindset/phobia and break this pattern? cause im tired of letting the good ones get away.

Cheers
PS>>Sorry for the long post.

[ShortcutToMoncton]

Shoulda ****ed her, stop being a pussy

srsly

[BlueSky]

[dedalus]

Story of my life.

I missed out on two potentially really great wives and child‑bearers by acting just like you did. I think we need to practice more.

Carpe diem, and all that, you know.

[Chuckit]

Originally Posted by ShortcutToMoncton 

Shoulda ****ed her, stop being a pussy

srsly

Basically this. Like, you knew she was into it. If you are too, sack up and just go for it. Why wouldn't you?

[imitchellg5]

Sounds like me... I get scared spitless.

[Doofy]

Originally Posted by Hawkeye_a 

i turn on my iPod

There's yer point of failure.

[Captain Obvious]

wow, let me summarize for everyone else because you don't need to waste your time reading all that to find the point of the story.

OP, doesn't have the ability to pull the trigger.

The girl was on vacation for g-ds sake. She wasn't looking for a husband or even a boyfriend. You made up this whole romance scenario rather than taking the situation for what it was. She was looking for a weekend hookup.

Grow a pair and make a move. That poor girl did everything but put her vag on top of your face.

[starman]

You shouldn't have been too focused on your hot dog....

[Spheric Harlot]

Accept the fact that one-night-stands are not your thing, and that some people's lives just don't follow the rules of an American teenage comedy.

Stop worrying that you're doing something wrong. If it were wrong for you, you probably wouldn't be doing it.

[Captain Obvious]

Originally Posted by Spheric Harlot 

Accept the fact that one-night-stands are not your thing, and that some people's lives just don't follow the rules of an American teenage comedy.

Stop worrying that you're doing something wrong. If it were wrong for you, you probably wouldn't be doing it.

read it again Dr Phil

Originally Posted by Hawkeye_a 

In hindsight, i wish i had pursued it, cause for me, a girl of this calibre has only come along once ever 3 years.... And even if she was only going to be hear for a month, if it worked out it could have worked out fine

advice on how to overcome this mindset/phobia and break this pattern? cause im tired of letting the good ones get away.

[downinflames68]

Her Side of the Story

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn’t say anything much about it.
I don’t remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me?
I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said “No”.
But I wasn’t really sure.
So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him, and he just put his arm around me! I didn’t know what the hell that meant because, you know, he doesn’t say it back or anything.
We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to break up with me! Why didn’t he want to talk about this? So I tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV. Why would he rather watch TV than talk to me?
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep, hoping he would get the hint that I was upset and wanted to talk. I was so hurt that he was out there watching TV while I was in here going through emotional turmoil.
Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.
I thought that maybe he would open up after we shared an intimate experience like that, but he still seemed really distracted. So afterward, I just wanted to leave because I was so upset, but I just cried myself to sleep.
He didn’t even notice how upset I was! I don’t know, I just don’t know what he thinks anymore. I don’t know what to feel anymore. I’m on emotional overload. I’m so confused. I don’t think he loves me anymore.
Why does he have to play mind games with me? I mean, do you! think he’s met someone else???

His Side of the Story

Leafs lost. Felt kinda tired. Got laid though.

[Spheric Harlot]

Originally Posted by Captain Obvious 

read it again Dr Phil

If you act a certain way around women, it's because you need to, at some level.

Either accept that for the way it is and figure that when something comes along that's truly worth it, both sides will know it and not be deterred by protective hang-ups, or entrust a professional with trying to help figure out where it comes from.

Either way is better than having some random asshole from the Internet tell you you're not man enough to "go for it".

[Spheric Harlot]

Btw: something you walk into knowing it'll be over in a few weeks is not a "relationship"; it's a fling.

[Chuckit]

Originally Posted by Spheric Harlot 

Accept the fact that one-night-stands are not your thing, and that some people's lives just don't follow the rules of an American teenage comedy.

Stop worrying that you're doing something wrong. If it were wrong for you, you probably wouldn't be doing it.

I cannot agree with that at all. There are all sorts of things people do that we wish we didn't. It's like, "Don't try to quit drinking during the day. If it were wrong for you, you probably wouldn't be doing it."

Do you really think he would have been less happy with the experience if they'd actually wound up getting together?

[Spheric Harlot]

I'm saying that there's a reason (= necessity) for things being the way they are, and they're probably not gonna change just because you're unsatisfied with them.

Either the situation is acceptable, or seek help - someplace other than here, preferably with paid professionals.

Speaking for myself: spending a great couple of hours with a girl I really liked, and ending up not ****ing her, is more than perfectly acceptable.

[Chuckit]

And that's fine if that's all you want. And that's probably why you don't make threads like this. And the idea that you can't change without giving massive amounts of money to quacks is just financially irresponsible. I used to be horribly shy around girls. Now I'm not. It happens.

[Spheric Harlot]

I guess as you grew up, the shyness wasn't necessary anymore, eh?

Or did you get over it by having a bunch of people slap you on the back and telling you to go for it?

[Face Ache]

Originally Posted by Hawkeye_a 

In hindsight, i wish...

Don't we all?

Hindsight is 20/20.

[Hawkeye_a]

I guess i should disclose some more information(reluctantly). I agree with Spheric Harlot. i actively avoid 'random hookups'/'one night stands'…its not my thing, not my style. Many of my friends have no hangups, and it doesn't bother me, it's just something im not into. With this specifc girl, if all she wanted(probably was) was a dude for the weekend, i wasn't going to be him. If she was "clucking"(possibility as well given the age group)…i wasn't going to be that dude either. So for the record, im not into either extreme (one night stands, serious/long-term stuff). And given the fact that she is in the country for a few weeks(probably touring), it raised a caution flag about not making an emotional investment.

A girl from my past who presented a similar situation, freaked me out with how strongly she was coming onto me, and it turned out she was 'clucking', and ended up marrying the next dude she met. So i have no regrets about avoiding that situation.

My favorite post so far is Blue Sky's picture with "you think too much", you cannot imagine how many people have pointed that out.

I do understand Spheric Harlot's "destiny" theory and if the circumstances are right the rest will/should fall into place. The problem i have(in the situation mentioned in the OP) is that the circumstances(all the superficial stuff were right, attractiveness, taste, sense of humor, attitude, education, etc) seemed right(extremely rare), and me thinking too much, or too far ahead kept me from responding and probably ended up burning that bridge.

A friend pointed out that if i was flirting/pursuing a girl for three days and she didn't respond what would i have done ? And that opened my eyes to the fact that, i barely responded to this girl(flirted/complimented/etc), even though i did like her, i was probably too busy over analyzing the situation, and thats what annoys me about how i handled the situation.

Also the reason i posted it here, is cause i've heard what my close friends have to say about it, and i just wanted an 'independent' take on it. And any advice/suggestions that anyone who experienced something similar might have ?

Cheers

[JellyBeen]

Hawkeye_a, you can never go wrong being you.
My two cents.

[Shaddim]

Back in my youth, I just took what I wanted when it came to women and my "batting average" was really impressive, I suppose. Starting around the age of 15 I lost all fear of girls and could be relaxed and focused around them, at the same time. It was a great time and no female was impossible (in my mind). But in retrospect, I probably would have enjoyed other things in life more if I hadn't been so obsessed with bagging the wet rodent.

You're fine. Hooking up is fun, and it's good exercise, but it gets boring after a while. There are quite a few things in life that are more rewarding.

[Hawkeye_a]

@Shaddim The random 'fling' is fine, i can deal with that, i guess cause i think/know nothing long-term can come from it. Just a short term thing is fine…it's only when i start to sense something serious that i freak out, and back away. I guess my 'zone' is right in the middle(not one-nighters and not long-term). Maybe cause the thought of something serious scares me ? Or the inability/unwillingness to make that emotional investment ?


@JellyBeen Thanks for the reassurance. I do think i need to push my limit further.

Anyway thanks for your advice guys, i think i need to work through this systematically (i.e. stop thinking so much)

I'm just a little annoyed with the way i handled the original situation, cause i did like the girl a lot (and it was reciprocated) and i should have been willing to take a risk beyond my usual threshold. Like i said, she was the kind that doesnt come by very often, and i guess im kicking myself for missing that opportunity due to my inhibitions/reservations.

[Peter]

[ShortcutToMoncton]

Originally Posted by Shaddim 

obsessed with bagging the wet rodent.

p o s t e r i t y