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Tony Blair in hospital
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Mastrap
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Jun 12, 2004, 03:28 PM
 
British Prime Minister Tony Blair opened a new hospital in Edinburgh. After cutting the ribbon he went on a tour of the wards. He entered a ward filled with patients who did not seem to be suffering from any injury or obvious disability. He greeted a bearded man in a nearby bed, who replied: "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o the pudden race!"

Blair, somewhat bemused, smiled politely and moved on to another bed and asked the patient how he was getting on. The patient shook his head and replied: "Some hae meat and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it. But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."

Blair again nodded politely and turned to the next patient, an older man, wearing a Tam O'Shanter of a particularly bright plaid. When asked by Blair how he was keeping, the old man replied: "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'urous beastie. O what panic's in thy breastie!"

By this time the Prime Minister was totally befuddled and turning to the senior doctor who was accompanying him, whispered: "What sort of ward is this? Are they psychiatric patients?"

"No", replied the doctor, "this is the Burns Unit."
     
philzilla
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Jun 12, 2004, 03:35 PM
 
"Have sharp knives. Be creative. Cook to music" ~ maxelson
     
mitchell_pgh
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Jun 12, 2004, 03:39 PM
 
     
Mastrap  (op)
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Jun 12, 2004, 03:43 PM
 
Originally posted by philzilla:
I knew you'd like this one.
     
PacHead
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Jun 12, 2004, 03:46 PM
 
     
Apple Pro Underwear
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Jun 12, 2004, 03:49 PM
 
explain

some of us are not homoghey and european
     
Oisín
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Jun 12, 2004, 03:51 PM
 
Originally posted by Apple Pro Underwear:
explain

some of us are not homoghey and european
And some of us are both homo, gay and European, but still don't get it

What is the Burns Unit? (Apart from where burns are treated) Something to do with Scotland? Burns = Scottish politician? Close?
     
Mastrap  (op)
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Jun 12, 2004, 03:56 PM
 
It's all there. Read the poetry.



Don't they teach you anything at school anymore these days
     
Diggory Laycock
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Jun 12, 2004, 03:57 PM
 
     
Mastrap  (op)
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Jun 12, 2004, 03:58 PM
 
Originally posted by Diggory Laycock:
That's a Terrible Joke.
You're just jealous
     
Diggory Laycock
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Jun 12, 2004, 03:59 PM
 
Originally posted by Mastrap:
You're just jealous
Two fish in a tank;
One says to the other: "How do I drive this thing?"


p.s. Just spotted your sig. - nice.
     
Mastrap  (op)
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Jun 12, 2004, 04:04 PM
 
Originally posted by Diggory Laycock:



p.s. Just spotted your sig. - nice.
Thanks.

A great story, well told. One of my favourites. And a good mantra, coincidentally.
     
awaspaas
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Jun 12, 2004, 04:13 PM
 
Philzilla's in the burn unit???
     
Oisín
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Jun 12, 2004, 04:16 PM
 
Originally posted by Mastrap:
It's all there. Read the poetry.



Don't they teach you anything at school anymore these days
Okay, so Burns = Scottish poet...

Well, no, apparently they don't... I'd never heard of him... Do you know Oehlenschlger?

Anyway... the joke's not even really funny then...

And I still can't make sense of the sentence, "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'urous beastie" - what is that supposed to mean???
     
Nivag
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Jun 12, 2004, 04:22 PM
 
Originally posted by Oisn:
Okay, so Burns = Scottish poet...

Well, no, apparently they don't... I'd never heard of him... Do you know Oehlenschlger?

Anyway... the joke's not even really funny then...

And I still can't make sense of the sentence, "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'urous beastie" - what is that supposed to mean???
i take it you've never been to Scotland, that's how they speak if you wrote it down.
     
Peter
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Jun 12, 2004, 04:26 PM
 
Originally posted by Diggory Laycock:
Two fish in a tank;
One says to the other: "How do I drive this thing?"


p.s. Just spotted your sig. - nice.
hahahaha
I like it!
we don't have time to stop for gas
     
Mastrap  (op)
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Jun 12, 2004, 04:28 PM
 
Originally posted by Oisn:
Do you know Oehlenschlger?

Anyway... the joke's not even really funny then...

And I still can't make sense of the sentence, "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'urous beastie" - what is that supposed to mean???
Danish poet, died 1850? Yup.

It's a pun dear boy, a pun. But admittedly, it helps to be Scottish. Or British. The

Details (from http://www.tamoshanter.free-online.co.uk/mouse.htm)

This poem was included in the Kilmarnock Volume. Burns first book of poems.

The verse stanza used is the Standard Habbie from the 17th century poem Habbie Simson the Piper of Kilbarchan by Robert Sempill. Burns had a knowledge of traditional verse forms but used the Standard Habbie so extensively that it has become known as the Burns Stanza


To A Mouse

On turning her up in her nest with the plough, Nov 1785 is a friendly address. In this poem Burns identifies the animal with the human world, although the poem is essentially about himself.
The mouse is interesting to him because its plight reminds him of his own. The comparison, however, is neither forced nor sentimental, and the gap between the world of mice and men is bridged by friendly compassion. The poem has charm and vigour, as well as technical skill.


Verse 1. He opens with a direct address. The effective pause after the first four lines adds emphasis to the statement of Burns attitude in the last two lines. Lesser practitioners of this verse form tended to make the pause consistently after the first two lines, so that the last four came together as a unit.
Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim'rous beastie
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty
Wi' bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an' chase thee
Wi' murdering pattle!
Sleekit in this instance does not mean sly or cunning but sleek coated as in shiny fur. A pattle is a farmers implement, a small spade-like tool used for cleaning the plough.


Verse 2. "Nature's Social Union" is neo-classic English and stands out from the Scots dialect of the poem as a whole, but this sudden intro of a graver phrase is not inappropriate in its context. It gives us a momentary flash of a philosophical view of an order in nature, which is not made the subject of moralizing but only lightly suggested. Light though the suggestion is, it swells out and provides an implicit moral base for the poem. There is no real pause at all in this verse.
I'm truly sorry man's dominion
Has broken Nature's social union
An' justifies that ill opinion
Which makes thee startle
At me, thy poor, earth-born companion
An' fellow mortal!


Verse 2 & 3. Having at the end of both of these verses made the bridge between the mouse and himself, he leaves this unused, returning to it at the end of the poem. He goes on to build up a picture of the present plight of the mouse, contrasting it with the confident plans it had laid for the future.
I doubt na, whyles, but thou may thieve
What then? poor beastie, thou maun live!
A daimen icker in a thrave
'S a sma' request
I'll get a blessin' wi' the lave
An' never miss't!
Daimen means rare or occasional, icker is 1 ear of corn, a thrave is a measure of cut grain consisting of 2 stooks of 12 sheaves each. The lave is the remainder. That line therefore translates as "We should not grudge the occasional grain out of our huge store"


Verse 4. Note the effective use of the diminutive "wee bit housie" to strengthen the note of friendly concern. Again the pause after the first four lines and the strong close of the stanza.
Thy wee bit housie, too, in ruin!
Its silly wa's the win's are strewin'!
An' naething, now, to big a new ane,
O' foggage green!
An' bleak December's winds ensuin,
Baith snell an' keen!


"Bleak December" is followed up in, Verses 5 and 6.
Thou saw the fields laid bare an' waste
An' weary. winter comin' fast
An' cozie here, beneath the blast
Thou thought to dwell
Till crash! the cruel coulter past
Out thro' thy cell


That wee bit heap o' leaves an' stibble
Has cost thee mony a weary nibble!
Now thou's turn'd out, for a' thy trouble
But house or hald
To thole the winter's sleety dribble
An' cranreuch cauld!


Verse 7. Burns returns to the bridge he had built earlier and in a deft turn to the poem makes clear its real subject. The often quoted 3rd and 4th lines illustrate most effectively Burns ability to cast a thought into the idiom of the folk proverb, but the lines are more than that, for they mark a return to the bridge between the world of mice and men achieved effortlessly and with apparent casualness. Having linked mice and men in that simple phrase he can proceed to speak of "us" which now means all mortal creatures.


But Mousie, thou art no thy lane
In proving foresight may be vain
The best-laid schemes o' mice an men
Gang aft agley
An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain
For promis'd joy!


Verse 8. The autobiographical nature of the poem becomes fully clear.
Still thou art blest, compar'd wi' me!
The present only toucheth thee
But och! I backward cast my e'e
On prospects drear
An' forward, tho' I canna see
I guess an' fear


In the Mouse; Burns effectively uses neo classical English to sound a graver note . This point is worth making since it shows that the English tradition was not always or necessarily a corrupting influence on Burns.
     
Oisín
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Jun 12, 2004, 04:40 PM
 
Originally posted by Mastrap:
Danish poet, died 1850? Yup.
Knowledge or Google? Okay then, who's the tinfoil stone?

I think that joke requires a tad too much background knowledge to be universally funny...
     
Mastrap  (op)
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Jun 12, 2004, 04:48 PM
 
Originally posted by Oisn:
Knowledge or Google? Okay then, who's the tinfoil stone?

Well, Ohlenschlaeger is the Danish national poet, so yes I do know of him. Read some of his work too, although the romantics don't do it for me.

Tinfoil Stone? No idea. Is that a translation from the Danish?
     
Oisín
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Jun 12, 2004, 04:52 PM
 
Originally posted by Mastrap:
Well, Ohlenschlaeger is the Danish national poet, so yes I do know of him. Read some of his work too, although the romantics don't do it for me.

Tinfoil Stone? No idea. Is that a translation from the Danish?
Oehlenschlger is the Danish national poet? We have a national poet? Is there such a thing as a national poet??? I thought he was pretty unknown...

Anyways - Tinfoil Stone is a translation of Bliksten, a "pet name" [not a thoroughly friendly one] of Steen Steensen Blicher

Edit: Actually, now that I think of it... I'm not even sure it's the right translation... in fact I'm more and more sure it's not... nope, just looked in an online dictionary, "blik" is "sheet metal, tin, tin plate", not tinfoil... So I guess he's the Tin Stone instead...
     
theolein
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Jun 12, 2004, 11:33 PM
 
Originally posted by Oisn:
Knowledge or Google? Okay then, who's the tinfoil stone?

I think that joke requires a tad too much background knowledge to be universally funny...
Well, even little old me has heard of Oehlenschger in darkest Africa. Mastrap's Burns' poem with explanations gave me nasty flashback to English classes in school though, sort of around the time I would fall asleep in class and be screamed at by the teacher.
weird wabbit
     
philzilla
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Jun 12, 2004, 11:41 PM
 
it says a lot to me that you all have to dissect a basic joke to such an extent.

thank you for proving that most of you have no sense of humour.

those of you who do, i apologise.

i can barely wait for the moment when ze german tells his elephant joke. you'll all be like "but what were they doing near a cliff? i don't understand" etc. f*ckwits.
"Have sharp knives. Be creative. Cook to music" ~ maxelson
     
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Jun 13, 2004, 12:04 AM
 
Originally posted by theolein:
Well, even little old me has heard of Oehlenschger
Braggart
Nasrudin sat on a river bank when someone shouted to him from the opposite side: "Hey! how do I get across?" "You are across!" Nasrudin shouted back.
     
Angus_D
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Jun 13, 2004, 07:38 AM
 
Well, I laughed. Admittedly it was only a very small laugh, but it was a laugh nonetheless.
     
winwintoo
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Jun 13, 2004, 08:41 AM
 
I knew all that education would come in handy some day. My parents will be so proud!!

I laughed a lot!

m
     
sixz
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Jun 13, 2004, 08:43 AM
 
Bum-some-burn-poetry.
     
Krypton
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Jun 13, 2004, 09:21 AM
 
I thought it was funny, even if I couldn't decipher any of the poetry itself.
     
Timo
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Jun 13, 2004, 09:32 AM
 
I liked it -- the Burns joke. It helps if y'all go out drinking on Burn's night some time. Lot's of fun.

Or just be in Scotland for five minutes.

[no offence/offense to Mas: the fish/tank joke's better...]
     
voyageur
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Jun 13, 2004, 09:51 AM
 
I would love to hear someone read the poems who knows how to pronounce the words, so I could hear what it's really supposed to sound like. I aways liked the Mouse poem.
     
Mastrap  (op)
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Jun 13, 2004, 10:55 AM
 
Originally posted by Timo:


[no offence/offense to Mas: the fish/tank joke's better...]
Damn these Scandinavians.

Ok, favourite joke:

Two elephants walk off a cliff.








Booom, boom.


Now, beat that, NewYorikan
     
wdlove
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Jun 13, 2004, 10:59 AM
 
I was happy to know that Tony Blair himself wasn't ill and in the hospital. May he continue with good health.

"Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never - in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense." Winston Churchill
     
Timo
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Jun 13, 2004, 09:33 PM
 
Originally posted by Mastrap:
Damn these Scandinavians.

Ok, favourite joke:

Two elephants walk off a cliff.








Booom, boom.


Now, beat that, NewYorikan
Bah! Observe:

Guy walks into a bar. Ouch.
     
Angus_D
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Jun 14, 2004, 06:39 AM
 
Originally posted by wdlove:
I was happy to know that Tony Blair himself wasn't ill and in the hospital. May he continue with good health.
Well, I wouldn't be surprised if he was. He's looking a bit the worse for wear these days.
     
Mastrap  (op)
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Jun 14, 2004, 07:15 AM
 
Originally posted by Timo:
Bah! Observe:

Guy walks into a bar. Ouch.
Yes, but for you Fins a good joke constitutes anything that doesn't involve downing a bottle of vodka while sobbing uncontrollably about the deep melancholy that is inherent in your tortured northern soul.
     
badidea
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Jun 14, 2004, 07:35 AM
 
Originally posted by philzilla:

i can barely wait for the moment when ze german tells his elephant joke.
you mean this one?:

"two elephants watched the last 90 seconds of England vs. France..."
***
     
Sherwin
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Jun 14, 2004, 02:45 PM
 
Originally posted by Diggory Laycock:
That's a Terrible Joke.
I liked it.

     
Timo
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Jun 14, 2004, 03:11 PM
 
Originally posted by Mastrap:
Yes, but for you Fins a good joke constitutes anything that doesn't involve downing a bottle of vodka while sobbing uncontrollably about the deep melancholy that is inherent in your tortured northern soul.
Too true. Except no sobbing. Cry on the inside.

Fin[n]s, BTW.
     
Mastrap  (op)
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Jun 14, 2004, 03:40 PM
 
Ooops. Genuine typo, I assure you.

Favourite FiNNish movie scene:



Comedy born of tragedy.
     
Timo
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Jun 14, 2004, 04:06 PM
 
One of my favorite movies ever. Those gentlemen are particularly, amusingly foul-mouthed before the bathos sets in.
     
   
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