[The Final Dakar]

…slump at your work desk in an unresponsive state.

They found me like this Friday, and through the miracle of CPR certified coworkers, a company defibrillator, and a helicopter that landed in the parking lot to take me 40 miles away, where they put me into a ice-induced coma for 24 hours, (of which I only lasted 6 before I came to and was – I'm told – very unhappy about the current state of all the things attached to my body) I lived to tell the tale.

What happened? After a battery of tests the answer was clear: Unexplained cardiac arrest. Even my health is a man of mystery.

In the short term, my mental faculties are still slightly off (personality, memory, intense thinking) and I'm wearing what essentially is a smart vest that is a defibrillator.

I mention this because:
A. I'm probably not thinking straight and will regret this later
B. I also underwent a hefty medical procedure last year, though that was planned, so I'm in some kind of weird groundhog day, only this time it's even more deadly serious.
C. I'm vaguely aware this was a near-death experience, and as such my perspective is going to be different in the short term. (That went for last year too, but in a different manner)


I don't want or need any prayers or pity, but I will accept donations in adorable cat gifs.

[Atheist]

Welcome back to the world of the living. Glad you made it.

[Demonhood]

Oh wow, glad you're ok. Sounds terrible, but hey, "free" helicopter ride.

[andi*pandi]

geez man, aren't you youngish to be having heart attacks?

For your health, I forbid you to enter the pol-war lounge.

[Laminar]

This same thing happened to a friend last year - super healthy guy in his 40s, just finished an autocross run and then just slumped over his steering wheel and the car rolled into a fence. Luckily there was a nurse just a few feet away that pulled him from the car and did CPR until the ambulance got there and they defibrillated him back to life. It was the craziest thing, and they're still not entirely sure what caused it.

Also, you keep alluding to your sex change (B) but never come right out and admit it.

[The Final Dakar]

Originally Posted by Demonhood 

Oh wow, glad you're ok. Sounds terrible, but hey, "free" helicopter ride.

Which would be awesome if I could remember it. I mean, it's like being on the receiving end of sleep sex.

Originally Posted by andi*pandi 

geez man, aren't you youngish to be having heart attacks?

I may be wrong but "unexplainable cardia arrest" is a thing that has nothing to do with age.

Originally Posted by Laminar 

This same thing happened to a friend last year - super healthy guy in his 40s, just finished an autocross run and then just slumped over his steering wheel and the car rolled into a fence. Luckily there was a nurse just a few feet away that pulled him from the car and did CPR until the ambulance got there and they defibrillated him back to life. It was the craziest thing, and they're still not entirely sure what caused it.

Another lucky mother****er. Jesus.

Originally Posted by Laminar 

Also, you keep alluding to your sex change (B) but never come right out and admit it.

It wasn't a sex change. It was a sex addition.

[subego]

No prayers or pity, but holy shit, I'm glad you're okay!

I had a sorta similar "near death" experience where I remember absolutely nothing, which takes some of that "near death" jumpstart away from you.

I was in a Propofol coma, so they could (and would) bring me close to conscious every now and again. My dad said whenever they did that, he thought I was trying to say something.

My guess was "CHOKING", because I had this goddamn tube in my throat.

[subego]

Also...

[The Final Dakar]

Originally Posted by Demonhood 

BTW, best one so far.

My contributions:

[subego]

I need to be a lameass here... if you have not done so, get a will.

[reader50]

Directions of Dakar will, to be fulfilled only in order.

1. Revive me if at all possible.
2. Try a necromancer. There's a good one in the Mirkwood Forest.
3. Give all my worldly possessions to reader50.
4. Give all my worldly debts to subego.
5. Give the finger to EA.

[mattyb]

Holy **** Dakar!!!

Don't go dropping dead, I need to know that the Zero is crusing NeoGaf/Kotaku/whatever sorting the wheat from the chaff and then posting it here. You are my Lifehacking solution for Gaming news.

Tempted to post something about your health but I'm sure your family/close friends are giving you enough shit as it is.

[subego]

7. And Gamestop

[andi*pandi]

Originally Posted by The Final Dakar 

I may be wrong but "unexplainable cardia arrest" is a thing that has nothing to do with age.

Well, ok, but just to be on the safe side, I hear that Laminar has some super youthful blood for sale. Better stock up.

[The Final Dakar]

Originally Posted by mattyb 

I'm sure your family/close friends are giving you enough shit as it is.

I think that's going to cause an infection.

[Laminar]

A classic.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XID_W4neJo

[The Final Dakar]

Originally Posted by Laminar 

A classic.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XID_W4neJo

The tail is confusing me. Typically that kind of wagging indicates displeasure, but its near constant.

[OAW]

Wow! Glad you are OK. That's some scary sh*t right there.

OAW

[sek929]

Jesus man, at least wait until I get some PS4 action in before dropping dead.

[Thorzdad]

You got to ride in a helicopter? That's so friggin' cool!

Seriously, though...Damn. Glad you're still here.

C. I'm vaguely aware this was a near-death experience, and as such my perspective is going to be different in the short term.

Did you see the white light? That thing is amazing.

[The Final Dakar]

Originally Posted by sek929 

Jesus man, at least wait until I get some PS4 action in before dropping dead

Stop ****ing procrastinating.

Originally Posted by Thorzdad 

Did you see the white light? That thing is amazing.

Not only did I not see a white light, my memory leading up to and after the event is all but missing.

[reader50]

Any chance your employer has a secret security camera covering your desk? Knowing exactly what you did right before could be important. Especially since the docs have decided they don't know the cause.

[ebuddy]

That's intense, man. I don't like dying and I suspect you don't either. For this reason, I respect what you've faced recently and hope you don't have to go through it again.

And I have no cat gifs.

[P]

Wow. And there are no ideas about what might have been the cause? Scary.. .

[Shaddim]

Daaaamn, glad you're okay. That's crazy. I was revived after drowning when I was a kid (a bully held me under at a local pool), but that was a very different thing. I may have lost consciousness for 10-15 seconds but it wasn't long at all. The lifeguard was very fast in reacting to it.

[besson3c]

I'm happy you're not dead Dakar!

[sek929]

Originally Posted by The Final Dakar 

Stop ****ing procrastinating.

Honestly it's been my lack of procrastination lately that has eaten up my gaming thirst.

[sek929]

Actually OT...

The thought of keeling over as a 30(?)-something male is pretty terrifying. I think a prescription of tropical island replete with big-breasted women is in order.

[subego]

Make that last one a double.

[OAW]

^^^

Indeed.

OAW

[The Final Dakar]

Originally Posted by sek929 

Honestly it's been my lack of procrastination lately that has eaten up my gaming thirst.

Home projects and getting out, etc.?

Originally Posted by sek929 

The thought of keeling over as a 30(?)-something male is pretty terrifying. I think a prescription of tropical island replete with big-breasted women is in order.

Last year was a reasonable reminder of my mortality. This was the universe being a douche.

[Stogieman]

That's crazy! I'm glad you're ok. You've been playing BF4 these last few nights like nothing happened. Did you mention this to the GAF group or did I miss it?

[sek929]

Originally Posted by The Final Dakar 

Home projects and getting out, etc.?

Working like a madman. Construction is at a 7 year high right now and the gettins good.

[The Final Dakar]

Originally Posted by sek929 

Working like a madman. Construction is at a 7 year high right now and the gettins good.

Really? I thought the general consensus was the market was still depressed around the country.

But yeah, ride that train, get that paper, and save yourself a nice chunk of change.

[Shaddim]

The housing market is exploding again is certain areas, new construction is booming around here.

[unicast reversepath]

Sudden cardiac death is one hell of a drug!

[Jawbone54]

Holy crap...I've been gone from the forum for a few days, and this?

I know you asked for no prayers, so I'll pretend to respect that wish.

Regardless, I'm glad you lived to tell the tale.

[mattyb]

Originally Posted by The Final Dakar 

The tail is confusing me. Typically that kind of wagging indicates displeasure, but its near constant.

Go near my cat when his tail his moving like that ... there will be blood.

[Shaddim]

Originally Posted by Jawbone54 

Holy crap...I've been gone from the forum for a few days, and this?

I know you asked for no prayers, so I'll pretend to respect that wish.

Regardless, I'm glad you lived to tell the tale.

For real. Asking a Christian to not pray for you in this situation is like... asking a person with allergies not to sneeze during the month of April.

[The Final Dakar]

Originally Posted by Shaddim 

The housing market is exploding again is certain areas, new construction is booming around here.

I'm sure its not a bubble.

Originally Posted by Jawbone54 

I know you asked for no prayers, so I'll pretend to respect that wish

The point is, I don't need to be told. Scientifically, it makes no difference, right?

[The Final Dakar]

Originally Posted by mattyb 

Go near my cat when his tail his moving like that ... there will be blood.

That's usually the case.

Originally Posted by mattyb 

Great gif.

[zro]

Damn, just damn. 54 is too young, man!
Or whatever. Pretty sure you're plenty younger than me. Also HOLY SHIT! Wow. So scare.
For what it's worth, here's hoping it never happens again.

[The Final Dakar]

I now set-off metal detectors.

[Shaddim]

pacemaker?

[Laminar]

Steel penis?

[Stogieman]

Pierced nipples. (Think McGyver defibrillator.)

MacGyver The Enemy Within Heart Stimulator - YouTube

[Jawbone54]

[mattyb]

Originally Posted by Laminar 

Steel penis?

Only adamantium would be good enough for Dakar.

[subego]

I think someone put a plate in his head.

[The Final Dakar]

Defibrillator. Commie version.