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zigzag · Dec 16, 2003, 12:05 AM

Adwar, Iraq (AP). Peering from his spider hole outside this dusty town of 20,000, Saddam Hussein today threw his hat into the ring as a Democratic candidate for U.S. President. �I oppose this war and everything it stands for,� Hussein said.

Prior to a recent sabbatical, Hussein served for 30 years as President of Iraq, and is known for his tough stance on free speech. �We need to stop molly-coddling those who oppose the government,� he said. �A bit of electrical stimulation around the genitals is an inexpensive but effective way to maintain order.�

Asked how he would mount an effective campaign from a small dirt hole, Hussein pointed out that he has more cash on hand than Senator Joe Lieberman. �Money talks, bullsh*t walks,� he exclaimed as he pointed to an actual war chest full of pristine $100 bills. �This will buy a lot of TV space in New Hampshire.�

Hussein also pointed out that the dirt hole has a reading light and is well-ventilated. �It's not so bad,� he said. �Besides, a bit of adversity has a way of focusing the mind.�

Hussein now sports a full beard, and it has been widely reported that this is part of an effort to soften his image. According to political commentator George Will, �The ruthless dictator thing no longer resonates with people - he's clearly trying to distance himself from his past.� Hussein has also been seen around Tikrit with a new bow-tie, a clear departure from his usual military garb. �Are you guys making fun of my bow-tie?� Will asked reporters.

Hussein�s Democratic competition claimed to be unperturbed. �Hussein is the wrong man at the wrong time,� said Howard Dean. �Hussein is the wrong man at the right time,� said Lieberman. �Hussein is the right man at the wrong time,� said Dick Gephardt. �Hussein is the right man at the right time,� said John Kerry, apparently determined to stand out in a crowded Democratic field. Remarkably, Al Sharpton was speechless, and no one bothered to call Carol Moseley-Braun. Former President Bill Clinton was with a chick and could not be reached.

Republican officials would not speak on the record, but unnamed sources close to President Bush stated that if Hussein gains ground in the primaries, Bush intends to paint him as a terrorist harboring weapons of mass destruction, then bomb the living sh*t out of Iraq.

Hussein�s name has yet to register in the polls, but he remains optimistic. �My campaign is going well,� he said. �Polls don�t determine elections - people do. I think I represent the real America.�

pooka · Dec 16, 2003, 12:26 AM

Now this is the kind of candidate that can energize the voter's base.

macvillage.net · Dec 16, 2003, 12:51 AM

Lets put him, Sharon, Arafat, Bin Laden, Hitler, and Stalin in the election.

That would be interesting.

"Kill the Jews"
"Kill the Arabs"
"Kill the Westerners"
"Kill the Christians"

would be an All American election, that's for sure.

mr. natural · Dec 16, 2003, 01:00 AM

LOL!

Here's another fun one: The World Sleeps Safely Tonight Knowing A Delirious, Nappy Hairball Living In A Hole Is Finally In Republican Custody

And especially this image:

Yep, I sure couldn't sleep well while he was directing terrorist attacks upon me & my family while holed up here!

thunderous_funker · Dec 16, 2003, 02:41 PM

Hussein�s Democratic competition claimed to be unperturbed. �Hussein is the wrong man at the wrong time,� said Howard Dean. �Hussein is the wrong man at the right time,� said Lieberman. �Hussein is the right man at the wrong time,� said Dick Gephardt. �Hussein is the right man at the right time,� said John Kerry, apparently determined to stand out in a crowded Democratic field. Remarkably, Al Sharpton was speechless, and no one bothered to call Carol Moseley-Braun. Former President Bill Clinton was with a chick and could not be reached.

ROFLMAO!!

That is hilarious. Thanks for that!

davesimondotcom · Dec 16, 2003, 04:34 PM

Very funny stuff.

Keep in mind he won his last election with 100% of the votes!

zigzag · Dec 16, 2003, 06:53 PM

Originally posted by davesimondotcom:
Keep in mind he won his last election with 100% of the votes!

Excellent point, I should've thought of that.

I hope I managed to skewer everyone equally. If I missed anyone on the political spectrum, I failed.

thunderous_funker · Dec 16, 2003, 06:57 PM

Originally posted by zigzag:
Excellent point, I should've thought of that.

I hope I managed to skewer everyone equally. If I missed anyone on the political spectrum, I failed.

Well, I think you left out the Lyndon Larouche faction. But then again, they don't seem to need any help in being funny.

BlackGriffen · Dec 16, 2003, 07:03 PM

Great post, ziggy!

BG

boots · Dec 16, 2003, 07:08 PM

Ziggy zaggy, ziggy zaggi, oy! oy! oy!

lil'babykitten · Dec 16, 2003, 07:10 PM

I'll join in then too. Nice work Ziggy!