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The Loss of a Parent
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BadKosh
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Nov 17, 2010, 01:52 PM
 
Never went through this until this week. My mom went for her annual check-up in June. Went for more tests n stuff in July. Went in for a Hernia operation in late August. By September she had lost maybe 30 lbs!. She didn't want anyone to worry. She kept saying she was just wasting away. My dad and I asked her what was wrong, did we need to get her to a Dr. etc. She went so far as to tell my dad NOT to tell me how sick she was. Well, she was 78, and a heavy smoker. She died Monday evening at 4:45PM from the effects of several tumors. Her lungs had several tumors on them, and she had a tumor on the base of her brain, which they operated on. After the operation, mom couldn't talk much, couldn't focus her eyes, wasn't hungry, but wanted to sleep all the time. Because she wouldn't eat they couldn't do Chemo. She was sent to hospice last friday afternoon. She ate about 6 bites of food in 2 days and went to sleep and never really woke again. I'll really miss mom. She was who made Halloween and Christmas so fun, and allowed me to explore the creative side. she taught me a lot of practical and cheap things about just running a house. She taught me it's better to do it yourself, and you will improve yourself in the process.
     
Spheric Harlot
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Nov 17, 2010, 01:58 PM
 
I feel for you. It took me over ten years to come to terms with the death of my mother, who died at age 54.

It's good that you miss her.

Cultivate that.
     
Snow-i
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Nov 17, 2010, 02:13 PM
 
Condolences BadKosh.

There is no easy way to deal with this. Just try to remember her how she would want to be remembered. You can keep those memories forever, and they should bring you happiness in the life she lived, not the one she lost.

My uncle was just diagnosed with Stage 4 small cell lung cancer which has spread to among other places his brain. He has maybe 3 good months and depending on his response to chemo maybe til the end of the year. He, in classic fashion, has "planned his goodbye tour." This is a month after my cousin went through a heart transplant. She's 7. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to deal with it when the time comes, but to at least cherish the memories of those who've taken the next journey.
     
andi*pandi
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Nov 17, 2010, 02:32 PM
 
I'm so sorry for your loss BK.

My mom and MIL recently went through cancer and recovery, and thank goodness theirs was caught early. I would be lost without them. You have to capture memories and remember her well.
     
PBG4 User
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Nov 17, 2010, 02:34 PM
 
Man, I'm sorry to hear about your mom. My mom is slowly rotting to death in a nursing home due to Parkinson's Disease and a stroke.
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Lateralus
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Nov 17, 2010, 02:37 PM
 
My condolences. I never knew my father so I've thought much on how the inevitable loss of my mother will affect me.
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sek929
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Nov 17, 2010, 02:38 PM
 
Sorry to hear about your mum, BK. It's very hard to watch someone who is a strong presence in our lives wither away.

My mother is more or less confined to a wheelchair, and will be bedridden within years due to a degenerative disease.
     
Rumor
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Nov 17, 2010, 02:54 PM
 
It takes a while to get over. Remember the good times and it will help a bit. Also be glad that you had her for as many years as you did. I met my father when I was eight (parents divorced when I was two, mom was mad at him and didn't allow him to come around) and he died when I was 24, I still think about him often.
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OAW
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Nov 17, 2010, 03:23 PM
 
BadKosh,

My sincere condolences on the loss of your mother. May her spirit live on in your memories.

OAW
     
osiris
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Nov 17, 2010, 03:55 PM
 
Sorry about your mother, my sincerest condolences to you and your family.
( Last edited by osiris; Nov 17, 2010 at 04:39 PM. )
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Atheist
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Nov 17, 2010, 03:57 PM
 
Sorry to hear about your loss. Nothing but time will make things easier.

My mother died from cancer after almost 10 major surgeries, 3 courses of chemotherapy and radiation treatments over an 8 year period. I used to drive her to chemotherapy treatments... she'd be vomiting all the way home in the car. It was awful to have to watch her go through it. I was still young and living at home...hard to get over sh!t like that.
     
finboy
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Nov 17, 2010, 04:36 PM
 
Take the holidays to reflect & remember all of the things that your mom used to do for each holiday, and try to preserve the tradition. Write things down, talk about them with other folks. Keep a journal.

It will be painful, sure, but ultimately it will help you remember her in the long-term, and the holidays will become just another way of honoring her spirit. Her spirit is always with you, and it's hard to believe that you are remembering it correctly. Holidays can help if they were special to her.

Good luck. Sorry, so sorry, for your loss.
     
imitchellg5
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Nov 17, 2010, 04:41 PM
 
Very sorry.

I can't even begin imagine what it would be like for me to lose my mom.
     
Rumor
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Nov 17, 2010, 09:58 PM
 
Originally Posted by finboy View Post
Take the holidays to reflect & remember all of the things that your mom used to do for each holiday, and try to preserve the tradition. Write things down, talk about them with other folks. Keep a journal.

It will be painful, sure, but ultimately it will help you remember her in the long-term, and the holidays will become just another way of honoring her spirit. Her spirit is always with you, and it's hard to believe that you are remembering it correctly. Holidays can help if they were special to her.

Good luck. Sorry, so sorry, for your loss.
I like my water with hops, malt, hops, yeast, and hops.
     
ghporter
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Nov 17, 2010, 10:19 PM
 
My deepest condolences. It's been 13 years since my mother passed away. You never really do get over it. I miss her every day.

finboy's suggestions are good. As he says, it'll be hard, but it'll help.

Glenn -----OTR/L, MOT, Tx
     
macforray
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Nov 17, 2010, 11:01 PM
 
Very sorry for your loss. My mom died back in 1994 the day before my birthday. She was only 58, but the 40 years of heavy smoking caught up with her. That was sixteen years ago and I still miss her.

My dad is now 80 and in poor health. As much as we want them to always be there, I now believe that once their quality of life is gone, God should take them home.
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Big Mac
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Nov 18, 2010, 03:22 AM
 
I'll pile on with my condolences as well. If you're a man of faith then I'll say to you that death is not the end of existence. If you're not, then know that at the very least that she lives on in you in a very real way, as you carry a portion of her genetics as well as your memories of her.

"The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield and government to gain ground." TJ
     
mattyb
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Nov 18, 2010, 09:54 AM
 
Thoughts are with you mate.
     
SSharon
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Nov 18, 2010, 11:17 AM
 
Sorry for your loss. With no living grandparents any more, the mortality of my parents is as evident as ever.
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BadKosh  (op)
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Nov 20, 2010, 08:43 AM
 
Thank you all for the kind words. We buried her yesterday. Many of her friends and church members were there. My dad was astonished at all the well wishers. Funerals are for the living. Dad has wonderful memories and the stories told to him by those who visited her at the funeral home. There is a large void there now. Mom really was the 'warmth' in the family. She was really into decorating the house for the various holidays. Halloween was my favorite. She did amazing Christmas, Thanksgiving and St. Patrick's day decor too. The next few months I'll be helping dad to learn how to work a dishwasher, balance a checkbook, plan meal (not just pot pies) and plan ahead. At some point we all become our parents parents.
     
ebuddy
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Nov 20, 2010, 10:08 AM
 
I'm sorry for your loss as well BadKosh. Our parents are such strong figures in our lives and an integral part of our own identity which makes their passing all the more profound. I was 17 yrs old when my mother passed away from small cell lung cancer @ age 52. In 1976 my mother was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer that at the time had afflicted only 3 other people in the world. Her prognosis was not good, but she prayed for 10 years to see me through to at least age 15. It turns out she was given 12 years of remission and a decent quality of life, but upon return was very aggressive and took her rather quickly. She was able to complete her course requirements at college with gold-key honors and was granted her degree posthumously in 1988. I accepted her degree for her at the graduate ceremony and it gave me a unique sense of closure. My mother knew she was passing and approximately two weeks prior to her last day, she called the family in to her hospital room one-by-one to say goodbye to each of us and to give us some words of wisdom. We had it out, tears and all at that afternoon leaving us strangely more prepared to console others when she did pass. My mother had asked if she could have a cup of coffee and upon the nurse's return, she had passed. My father's grandparents died when I was very young and my mother's father died well before I was born so I had grown up only knowing my mother's mother who passed about 5 years ago. My father passed from Alzheimer's almost 3 years ago.

Watching others pass is one of the burdens of our own aging, but let these experiences serve as a reminder of how full life is and can be and how important the ones are who remain with us today. Companionship, holidays and the necessary preparations, reunions, friends, parties, productivity; the little things like baking cookies with your daughters or the smell of foliage in the park in the springtime, and the precious memories of the ones who've gone before us... these are what make a good and worthwhile life indeed.

Until you meet in the better place my friend...
ebuddy
     
deedar
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Nov 20, 2010, 10:23 AM
 
I am so very sorry and my thoughts are with you. I have lost both of mine (dad 52, mom at 65). Over time, my sad memories of great loss have been replaced with happiness brought about by all the love that they showered on me. I hope the same happens to you. This is a tough, tough thing. Hang in there and don't be afraid to ask for help.

Dave
     
andi*pandi
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Nov 20, 2010, 03:20 PM
 
Originally Posted by ebuddy View Post
Watching others pass is one of the burdens of our own aging, but let these experiences serve as a reminder of how full life is and can be and how important the ones are who remain with us today. Companionship, holidays and the necessary preparations, reunions, friends, parties, productivity; the little things like baking cookies with your daughters or the smell of foliage in the park in the springtime, and the precious memories of the ones who've gone before us... these are what make a good and worthwhile life indeed.

Until you meet in the better place my friend...
That was beautiful, and sad.
( Last edited by andi*pandi; Nov 20, 2010 at 03:42 PM. Reason: Fixed the tag...)
     
brassplayersrock²
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Nov 20, 2010, 03:30 PM
 
I'm sorry for your loss.
     
Thorzdad
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Nov 20, 2010, 08:18 PM
 
I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my father almost 22 years ago, and there still isn't a day that goes by where I don't talk to him, if only to ask what he would do when I need guidance.
     
Madison
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Nov 28, 2010, 09:25 AM
 
I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. I hope you are able to come to grips with it in time. Your MacNN friends are here if you need us


I'm fortunate that both my parents are alive and well (71 and 74), buy my father-in-law has been in the hospital for 7 weeks, and isn't doing well (he's 83 and has been battling prostate cancer for 15+ years). My wife is a wreck much of the time, and I do the best I can to support her through this.
     
Jawbone54
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Nov 28, 2010, 04:54 PM
 
My condolences as well, BK.

A lot of good advice has been dispensed in this thread, so there's probably not a lot more I could add, but it's worth noticing how much sincerity and compassion has come from so many partial-strangers on 'NN.

I'll join in by saying that my thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family (and I mean it).
     
glideslope
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Nov 29, 2010, 08:40 PM
 
Condolences.

My father passed at 60 after a very long battle with Synovial Sarcoma.
An extremely rare cancer that forms in the joints. Shoulder in his case. First you get the "maybe 3 months to live" news. Then he seemed to stabilize. He never took radiation treatment, as it was deemed ineffective.

He went to Homeopathic Treatments and massive supplementation's to boost the immune system. This is when it really became hard. He actually looked good after 3 months. Obviously he was not cancer free, but looking at him all you could really tell was a weakness in his movements. No weight loss for another 10 months. We were riding high.

Then on a Sat eve at 10p everything fell apart. Hospitalized with internal bleeding, barely recognizable, and gone in 10 days.

The emotional swing was paralyzing. I felt better after a few weeks, and thought I was dealing with it ok, after all, he was my best friend.

Then about 8 months post death I almost had a nervous breakdown out of the blue. This took a while, but I now have an understanding how to grieve as it never ends.

Your not alone.
To know your Enemy, you must become your Enemy.”
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