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ctt1wbw · May 27, 2009, 03:44 PM

Mary & Bonnie are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Mary pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Bonnie: What in the hell is that?

Mary: A condom, this way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Bonnie: Where did you get it?

Mary: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Bonnie hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

Laminar · May 27, 2009, 03:45 PM

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez..
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

turtle777 · May 27, 2009, 03:46 PM

Originally Posted by ctt1wbw

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

-t

SpaceMonkey · May 27, 2009, 03:46 PM

So far Laminar is winning.

ctt1wbw · May 27, 2009, 03:53 PM

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Norm!
All he wants is anal sex, and my asshole is now the size of a

50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a nickel."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,

you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000

a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all

that away over 45 cents?"

Laminar · May 27, 2009, 03:59 PM

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.

But it was a long, long time ago, and it was just that one day.

Spheric Harlot · May 27, 2009, 04:22 PM

ctt1wbw's closing in.

Cheap sexism does get old.

iM@k · May 27, 2009, 08:25 PM

What do Alexander and Kermit have in common?

Their middle name!

Kermit THE Frog and Alexander THE Great

KeyLimePi · May 27, 2009, 10:31 PM

A distinguished older man walks into an exclusive jewelry store late one afternoon with a busty 20-something blonde on his arm. "I'd like to purchase something special for my new friend here' he says to the man behind the jewelry case. 'Very well sir, in this case we have a lovely one-carat diamond ring...for just $12 thousand.'

'Oh I think she'd like something more special than that,' the man said, and the young girl's eyes lit up.

'I see,' the man behind the counter said. 'Well here is a beautiful two-and-a-half-carat diamond. About $34 thousand...' 'No, even more special' the older man says. The man behind the counter pulls out an enormous ring. 'This ring has a full a four-carat diamond surrounded by sapphires and emeralds. It's $85 thousand.'

The girl gasps, and the man says 'It's perfect. We'll take it.' The man behind the counter says 'and how will you be paying, sir?' The distinguished man takes out his checkbook and says 'I have an account right across the street at First Federal. We can go over now and I'll have them draw up a cashier's check.' The man behind the counter looks at his watch. 'It's nearly 6 p.m. The bank is closed and tomorrow's Saturday. We won't be able to get the check until Monday morning. But we will hold the ring for you.'

The mans says 'That's fine. Measure her finger and I'll leave you my information. We'll be back on Monday to pick up the ring.'

Monday morning the clerk at the store calls the older man. 'Sir, I just spoke with the bank. You have less than $100 in that account.'

The old man chuckles on the other end. "Yea, okay, whatever, now...ask me about my weekend.'

auto_immune · May 27, 2009, 10:31 PM

Daffy Duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for a condom.
The reception says, "Shall I put it on your bill?"
Daffy replies... "Don’t be thilly! I’d thufficate!"

Andrew Stephens · May 28, 2009, 03:01 AM

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre.

So the barman gave her one.

Gavin · May 28, 2009, 03:58 AM

The doctor says "Mr. Johnson, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?"

"Well, I'd like the bad news first so the good news will cheer me up", says Mr. Johnson.

"The bad news is that you are dying, you have 6 months to live."

Mr. Johnson sat for a moment to take it in then asked, "OK, what's the good news?"

"Well," says the doctor, "you know my receptionist, miss Smith?"

"Yes" replied Mr. Johnson.

"I'm nailin' her!"

SpaceMonkey · May 28, 2009, 09:46 AM

Originally Posted by Gavin

The doctor says "Mr. Johnson, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?"

"Well, I'd like the bad news first so the good news will cheer me up", says Mr. Johnson.

"The bad news is that you are dying, you have 6 months to live."

Mr. Johnson sat for a moment to take it in then asked, "OK, what's the good news?"

"Well," says the doctor, "you know my receptionist, miss Smith?"

"Yes" replied Mr. Johnson.

"I'm nailin' her!"

And he just saved 15% on his auto insurance by switching to Geico.

Tiresias · May 29, 2009, 04:42 AM

How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task? A finite number: one to perform the task, and an additional number to act in a manner stereotypical of the group to which they belong.

Tiresias · May 29, 2009, 04:45 AM

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender takes one look at them and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Spheric Harlot · May 29, 2009, 05:05 AM

Originally Posted by Tiresias

How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task? A finite number: one to perform the task, and an additional number to act in a manner stereotypical of the group to which they belong.

That sounds like the stereotypical German version of that joke.

Spheric Harlot · May 29, 2009, 05:06 AM

P.S.:

Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One.

Tiresias · May 29, 2009, 06:12 AM

A German joke is no laughing matter.

mattyb · May 29, 2009, 09:07 AM

A man was walking on the beach when he got the urge for a cigarette, but he had no matches. He saw another man coming toward him carrying a gym bag, so he asked him for a light. The second man opened the gym bag and took out a HUGE cigarette lighter. "Where did you get that big lighter?" asked the first man. "There’s a genie down the beach granting wishes," the second man answered. So the first man walked along the beach and sure enough, there was a genie. "Do you grant wishes?" the man asked, and the genie answered "Yes, but only one wish to a customer." "I want a million bucks," the man asked. The genie waved his hand, and suddenly the sky was full of ducks flying in from all directions. "Hey," the man said, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." "Sorry, one wish to a customer," the genie answered. Angry, the man went back up the beach until he ran into the man with the gym bag. "That’s some f**ked-up genie," he said. "I asked for a million bucks, and all I got was a million ducks."
"You’re telling me?" the other man answered. "Do you really think I wanted a two-foot Bic?"

Laminar · May 29, 2009, 09:25 AM

I thought he had asked for a 10 inch pianist.

mattyb · May 29, 2009, 10:20 AM

Originally Posted by Laminar

I thought he had asked for a 10 inch pianist.

Thats the old 20th century version. I posted the new and improved 21st century version.

osiris · May 29, 2009, 10:21 AM

Originally Posted by KeyLimePi

A distinguished older man walks into an exclusive jewelry store ... 'Sir, I just spoke with the bank. You have less than $100 in that account.'

The old man chuckles on the other end. "Yea, okay, whatever, now...ask me about my weekend.'

Timo · May 29, 2009, 02:52 PM

Originally Posted by Andrew Stephens

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre.

So the barman gave her one.

heh

What did the guru say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."

olePigeon · May 29, 2009, 03:27 PM

A baby seal walks into a club.

osiris · May 29, 2009, 03:31 PM

There was an old women who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, her uterus fell out.

Laminar · May 29, 2009, 03:38 PM

Question: Do you like fish sticks?

Spheric Harlot · May 29, 2009, 04:26 PM

^ That was not the best episode of South Park, by a LONG shot.

Laminar · May 29, 2009, 05:18 PM

Originally Posted by Spheric Harlot

^ That was not the best episode of South Park, by a LONG shot.

I feel that way about most of the recent episodes.

iM@k · May 29, 2009, 10:21 PM

Originally Posted by Tiresias

A German joke is no laughing matter.

YouTube - Monty Python, Season 1, Episode 1 - 4 Whither Canada?

Stop That right now! This thread is getting far too silly.

brassplayersrock² · May 30, 2009, 01:32 AM

you're telling me!

Tiresias · May 30, 2009, 02:05 AM

Originally Posted by iM@k

YouTube - Monty Python, Season 1, Episode 1 - 4 Whither Canada?

Meanwhile, in the autumn of 44, the Germans were working on a joke of their own. By December, their joke was ready, and Hitler gave the order for the German V-joke to be broadcast in English:

Zer ver vive peanuts, valking down ze Straße... und vone vas assaulted... peanut.

sek929 · May 30, 2009, 01:43 PM

Do crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Gavin · May 30, 2009, 03:35 PM

Yes, they're pyrorated.

SpaceMonkey · May 30, 2009, 06:52 PM

You're fired.

Tiresias · May 30, 2009, 06:54 PM

No flame wars please.

iM@k · May 30, 2009, 10:17 PM

That's Hawt!

KCrosbie · May 31, 2009, 12:10 AM

What did Dracula say to the teacher?

"See you next period!"

brassplayersrock² · May 31, 2009, 01:28 AM

what did one lesbian vampire say to the other? "see you in a month."

Gankdawg · May 31, 2009, 10:11 PM

Originally Posted by osiris

There was an old women who lived in a shoe.
She had so many children, her uterus fell out.

Thanks, Dice.

Hickory, Dickory, Dock......