[D'Espice]

Today was a big day for me. During the last few months I realized, that lots of things were going wrong in my life and that I had to do something about it. And I narrowed it down to one thing during the past few weeks/months, and here's how it is.

For the last almost three years, I've been a computer science major at TU Munich. It wasn't easy to get in and I was glad I made it. I thought, computer science was my destiny. Geekdom my future, loneliness my one and only wish. This however was not only my fault, but I partly blame it on the people around me. Ever since the 10th grade, everybody kept telling me how great I was with computers. I was the only one in my year taking computer science in school, and I kinda liked and enjoyed it. Didn't exactly get me the girls, but I had fun. When I graduated High School in Germany, people kept telling me that I have to major computer science, that being a programmer/computer scientist is my one and only future. And you know what happens if everybody keeps telling you the very same story over and over and over and over again? At some point, you start to believe it. I started to tell myself, that computer science, working with computers, maybe even designing computers and computer programs was what I really wanted in life.

It took me about three months to realize, that this was a lie. This was not what I wanted to do (or be) at all. Yet I grit my teeth and kept going. Yet after almost three years, I've had enough of it. I felt sick even tho I knew I wasn't. I was horrified of every exam, every class, even almost every single of my fellow students. It took me three years to realize, that these were not people I wanted to have anything in common with. These were not even people I wanted to work with - at all and ever.
I realized that about three or four months ago, can't really tell anymore. I never knew why I was horrified and feeling sick, until some day it was like *click* that's it - now I know. I was in denial for another few weeks but slowly started to realize that I was lying to myself. That I was not being honest with myself and not at all considerate of my very own feelings and thoughts. But it truly hit me that day, and I am proud to say that as of today, I will never be a computer scientist ever again! I quit, I simply went there and told them that this will be my last semester and that I will not show up here next year.

I told some of my fellow students afterwards (some of which have become good friends over the years), and they too were in complete denial. They accused me of kidding, of screwing with their minds and even of being drunk. But it's true and by tomorrow, they will see... or rather, not see me anymore ever again at uni.


I am going to do something completely different now and it's going to be something that I really want, not something that people around me will tell me I might or might not like. My backups are still CS at university for applied studies or IT at LMU Munich but these are more like "meh, I'd rather do IT than nothing". What I really want to do now is American language, literature and culture studies and communication science. Something, that has absolutely nothing to do with computers and/or computer science and isn't even technical at all in any way.
This is the real me, the me without external influence. I should have listened to the voice in my head that has always been telling me that something went horribly wrong with my life... I didn't, and now I lost three years of my life. And you know what is kinda weird? I couldn't sleep last night, I was afraid of what might happen, that I might regret my decision three minutes later... I was wrong. I have never felt that good in my life as I remember it. I feel like an enormous weight has been finally lifted and I'm slowly crawling out of the crater that is my life.

Let this be a lesson to you people, never listen to others telling you what you are or are not good at. Make up your mind for yourself, be strong. Me, it took me three years to make that step and finally get rid of the demons in my underpants. Don't be that stupid, it's not worth it - believe me.

[gorickey]

Wow, good for you...good luck with everything...

[benb]

I know exactly how you feel. I've had people tell me I am good with computers and that I should major in a "tech" field. I almost did, until I got this job doing entry-level IT work. I don't hate it, but man there are better things out there. For me at least.

I'm glad you made that decision now, and not in 10 years.

I will say though, when I first read the title, I thought you found your razor blades!

[Turias]

Wow, congratulations on making such a hard decision! It sounds like it was the right thing to do. I made a similar decision my junior year of college to drop pre-med and go computer science.

Good luck with the transition!

[D'Espice]

Originally posted by benb:
I will say though, when I first read the title, I thought you found your razor blades!

HAHAHAHA buddy, you just made my day!

[xi_hyperon]

Congratulations D'Espice. At least you realized it after 3 years. Some people don't realize the same thing until they have been working for a long time, and that is sad. Life is too short to not be happy!

[mitchell_pgh]

Good for you... It's important to follow your dreams.

Best of luck!

[voyageur]

You sound so relieved. Yes, truly things like this can make you feel ill without knowing the cause. Good for you for figuring it out--on your own too; it doesn't sound like your fellow students were a help there. I think many gifted people fall prey to the "you're good at this; it must be what you should be doing" thing. You're probably just as good at literature, just haven't had as much a chance to use it.

[D'Espice]

I am relieved which kinda surprises me. There I am, 23 years old and I don't have nothing. I'll have to start from scratch and all over again. Yet I don't feel scared, feel relieved and good.

Thanks for all your answers so far, you guys are much more understanding than most of my friends. On the other hand, they say me, they mean computer. And vice versa. That's all they know me for, some of'em never met the real me. The only one who really understood me was my oldest friend that I've known for 21+ years, and she said that she expected me to blow up some day. I wish she would've told me, maybe I could've made this decision a year ago, who knows.

[macintologist]

That's awesome D'Espice!! Good luck with your new life. I'm going to college soon so I'll be sure not to kid myself and do what I want and not what my friends or anyone else wants.

Not to derail the thread or anything, but this also sounds like a story from those Christian fundies who realize that Christianity is a lie and then become atheists.

*braces for impact*

[waxcrash]

I remember when I was around 12 years old sitting in a church listening to the pastor preach. The point of the sermon was the secret to life is finding what you enjoy and getting paid to do it. My father who is now retired also reiterated the same message by telling me that he was an art major in college but when he graduated he became an insurance broker because of the money. He basically told me he regrets that decision and wished he had found a job doing what he loves - painting.

[Lateralus]

I'm in a similar position right now, except that I haven't made any moves yet as far as college/a career.

Since I was 14, I have woken up with computers being one of the first things on my mind. Gone through my day thinking them. And gone to bed having them be one of the last things I think about. I am wondering if I am stuck in a 'fad', a 6 year long fad but a fad. I don't know... I think I am having the opposite problem with computers that you are. That maybe being a geek is my destiny, but I am in denial about it because it seems a little 'too obvious'.

My main problem is that I can see a few things that I would like to do with my life, that I could be happy with. If I only had one strong area of interest, it would be a lot easier for me.

Ugh... I hate being young.

[Demonhood]

well done.
i ditched CS after a year. i pursued the areas that still interested me in my spare time (and work) while majoring in something else. i was much happier. and it sounds like you will be too.

[medicineman]

Good for you! You will 'find' yourself, and start over again, many times during life. You did not waste 3 years, that knowledge is yours forever. Man does not live in one sphere, but many. No knowledge is wasted. i support you in your decision, and can only offer whatever help or advice i can give you online. Bouna Fortuna!

medicineman

[djohnson]

Good thing you figured it out before it was too late! When I was in high school, my dad was pressuring me to get into the Naval Academy. We even took a trip up to Annapolis. I pushed my grades and some athletics to make it. When I finally was accepted, I turned them down because I realized that I had no desire to go. I had a good steady girlfriend, a new found desire for computers, and no want at all to move from Texas to Annapolis. Oh and did I mention not wanting to spend 5+ extra years in the military? So I told them no and spent 5 years in college getting my BS in Computer Science. The best part is that I stayed with my girlfriend and married her last August.

The moral of the story: Do what makes you feel happy when making choices on your career/life.

[Mitser]

Congratulations D'Espice on your revelation. I had a similar feeling a few weeks ago but I did not have the courage to move on like you have. I remained a coward and am actually going to finish studying what I do not like only because I can not remove my self from my past and do not want to feel like I wasted my past. I know I am going in the wrong direction but you will alright man. You took the firat steps to find your real self and what you really want from life. I admire that and wish you luck.

Matthew

[:XI:]

Jesus, I thought you were going to say you were dropping out. I was going to come over and kick your arse.
Can't you finish the CS degree then do American Languages/Lit afterwards? How much CS do you have left? It would be a shame for those 3 years to go to waste.
"you have TWO degrees? wow!"
It's late, I'm talking out of my arse.

Good Luck

[vmpaul]

Good for you. I'm happy for you.

Sometimes it's difficult to go against the tide. When I was going to school the 'hot' major was engineering (maybe it still is, I don't follow it anymore). Anyway, everyone and their sister was going into it because they were guaranteed a job on graduation, not because they particularly liked it. Not to say it's a bad field or it's boring or anything but many of the people went into it because it seemed like the thing to do. I would imagine Computer Science is the same. I think you REALLY have to be interested in a field like that to be good at it. It can't be a fallback career.

So, I know quite a few people who quit their major after working in it a few years. Lucky that you realized you want a change now. Sometimes I think I've met more ex-engineers than ex-virgins.

[MOTHERWELL]

to you

[The Placid Casual]

I am genuinely happy for you! You should do what YOU want to do, and makes you feel content with life...

I have just gone through a strange parallel.

I graduated in 2001 with a law degree, went to law school and then to work as a lawyer in a large insurance firm. Had a 'good' job and absolutely hated it.

I knew from my first year of my degree that I didn't want to be lawyer , but thought that I'd just grow into it or something... my main love work wise were computers. Graphics, networking, testing, geeking around. Anything.

Anyway I made myself really ill worrying about stuff, and eventually quit as a lawyer when I got pleurisy and double pneumonia from the stress of it all!

Anyway, I worked on a magazine for a year or 2 doing graphics, testing etc and realised that I was not earning enough as it was just 'temporary' and decided to go back to Law school last year to do a Masters degree in shipping law... Thought I'd get a job as a shipping lawyer.

I spent a fortune, did the whole course apart from the last week when I realised that I HATED it. Really loathed anything to do with the law and I could never go back.

I quit in March of this year... plan and simple. Walked out. Have not done my exams. I have never gone back. I had the same reaction from my friends that you did... but it is like a weight has been lifted from my mind and I feel great!!

Jumping on the change bandwagon I also left my Fiance and moved back home!!

So I was 26, no job, no house, little money... no career.

Within 72 hours my brother in law, a COBOL/mainframe programmer gave me some advice... use my previous SQL/software testing experience. Within a week I was signed up to do some ISEB courses and am pretty sure I have just sorted a contractor job in software testing, that will earn me 4x my lawyer wages for *very* little work in comparison. Work that I know I LOVE!

D'espice, I know where you are coming from. You did the right thing. Change is good.

You have just opened up your life to a new and better pathway.

[SOLIDAge]

Congradulations Martin.

I too was told Computer Science was my future...and i listened for a bit, but never to the degree you did, hell i don't even know know what i want to do...with three complete Uni years under my belt. I was an English Major, Music Production Major, Computer Science, AND Computer Graphic Design. Oh well...maybe i'll have a clue....i'm starting to believe that i possibly want to go into Journalism to cover computers or the video game industry.

Grads on "seeing the light"

[ambush]

I would have been in the same situation as you if I had not realised the thing as early as this year (I'm 17).

I don't wanna be a computer engineer, I want programming to be a hobby.

I want to be a lawyer or a politician, or an economist.

D'Espice, you deserve a good

[OreoCookie]

Good decision.
My best friend has also quit his CS studies at the TU and now studies media CS at the LMU (also a Mac head). The only thing that matters is that you are content with what you are doing. Even if you would decide to become an car mechanic, as long as you like what you are doing, it's the only advice that I would give.

To be honest, I think, I could have studied CS, too, I like computers, but for me, I have never had this urge to make it my studies -- despite the fact that I have a broad knowledge (except for maybe programming), including more geekish things like FreeBSD and shell programming.

[G4ME]

good decision but i would have at least gone the extra year and get the degree then go do the liberal art thing, that way you still have the credentials, but if it was as bad as it sounded then i guess you did the right decision.

[malvolio]

Congratulations, D'Espice! Much better to realize where happiness lies now, rather than after decades of misery.

[badidea]

Very good decision D'Espice!

I fought my way 8 years through TUM because I didn't really like Civil Engineering...and now it is even worse because I have to work as a mechanical engineer building planes...(too long story why I am in this situation right now)!

[sideus]

Since using computers since I was 3 years old, I became known as the computer person. From then on my life was computers, day and night. After high school I persued computer related jobs and settled into a computer tech job at a local company. Well, after about 6 years of that, I was sick and tired of diagnosing and troubleshooting people's computer problems. I didn't even want to use my computers at home since I had been working on computers all day. I pretty much quit my job and did a drastic career course change. I now work in law enforcement, which has made me a much happier person.

[dav]

i did a similar thing, switching from ee to graphic design. no regrets.

[D'Espice]

Thanks for your support, I really appreciate it. Glad to know that I ain't the only one out there who did something like this. And just to assure you, I had at least three more years left. University in Germans is not like college in the US, computer science at TU Munich for example takes at least 11 semesters.

[turtle777]

Originally posted by macintologist:
Not to derail the thread or anything, but this also sounds like a story from those Christian fundies who realize that Christianity is a lie and then become atheists.

You realize that it might as well be the opposite.
There is no limit to people's experience, whatever they do...

-t

[AppleCello]

Its growth and personal development. It takes people different amounts of time and experience to realize who they are and not just who they think they are.

I did two years of studies in Information Science and Technology and I sorta liked it, but it was too "dry" for me. I have also been a classical musician forever and I loved highschool classes in literature and history. But instead of dropping IST (i didnt hate it) I picked up a second major in French.

Now im here living and studying in Paris, and I can definitely see myself spending some time working here.

Things will work themselves out once you get a bearing on what it is that you want. If you have any bit of talent and motivation, things will sort out.

p

[turtle777]

Hallo D'Espice !

Sehr mutiger Schritt.
Ich w�nsche dir alles Gute auf dem neuen Weg.

-t

[D'Espice]

Danke dir!

[benb]

Originally posted by macintologist:
Not to derail the thread or anything, but this also sounds like a story from those Christian fundies who realize that Christianity is a lie and then become atheists.

Congratulations on the most retarded post of the year.

[Xeo]

When I first went to school, I knew I liked computers but didn't think CS was right for me. I didn't want to be a programmer. It looked so boring. But after the first year and my first coding project, I knew it was for me. I enjoy it and I'm good at it. I feel I naturally do better than most of the people around me. If I tried harder I'd pull straight A's, but I can tell that the concepts just click with me a lot sooner than the people around me. So I think I am a true CS geek. It's for me. I had to experience it to know for sure, but I didn't jump in just 'cause I like computers. Most of the guys in the CS department just don't seem like they belong there. It doesn't seem like that's what they are naturally good at, and I'm afraid they don't enjoy it. Maybe being naturally good at it isn't enough either, but for me both seem to fit. I enjoy it and I do well.

I'm glad you decided that just liking computers wasn't a good enough reason to base your life around it. You should always go for what you enjoy over what you think you should do. Being a CS major is a lot different than just fiddling with computers.

[Nicko]

Originally posted by D'Espice:
Thanks for your support, I really appreciate it. Glad to know that I ain't the only one out there who did something like this. And just to assure you, I had at least three more years left. University in Germans is not like college in the US, computer science at TU Munich for example takes at least 11 semesters.

11 semesters to get one degree???

I was going to suggest like another guy that you just finish up the year, but that would sound a little crazy if it drove you over the edge

Hehe I must have changed my major 3 or 4 times before I graduated. Infact I probably ended up taking half a dozen classes that didn't end up counting toward my degree but sometimes finding out what you DON"T like can be more important than finding out what you really like.

Besides the first degree doesn't really mean a whole lot in the big picture, its when you get into graduate school that its really serious. Err well, as serious as you want it to be that is.

[cszar2001]

Originally posted by D'Espice:
I didn't, and now I lost three years of my life. And you know what is kinda weird? I couldn't sleep last night, I was afraid of what might happen, that I might regret my decision three minutes later... I was wrong. I have never felt that good in my life as I remember it. I feel like an enormous weight has been finally lifted and I'm slowly crawling out of the crater that is my life.

Gute Entscheidung! Gratulation!
Die die irgendwann aufwachen sind besser dran als die die sich durchbeissen.
Verloren ist die Zeit aber auf keinen Fall; du hast zumindest gelernt wie es schieflaufen kann. Hab ich selber hinter mir.

[awaspaas]

It's very brave to admit that it's time to move on. Think of this as a tremendous opportunity to do something you enjoy now!! Congratulations!

[OreoCookie]

Originally posted by D'Espice:
Thanks for your support, I really appreciate it. Glad to know that I ain't the only one out there who did something like this. And just to assure you, I had at least three more years left. University in Germans is not like college in the US, computer science at TU Munich for example takes at least 11 semesters.

Just a thought on your original post: you've mentioned that you tried to convince others that they were (at least you felt this way) caught up in the same vicious circle of self-delusion.

I would kind of hesitate to do so unless they are open to that line of argument. Even if you would be right, I think the only way is to let them find out by themselves.

[itai195]

Originally posted by Xeo:
When I first went to school, I knew I liked computers but didn't think CS was right for me. I didn't want to be a programmer. It looked so boring. But after the first year and my first coding project, I knew it was for me. I enjoy it and I'm good at it. I feel I naturally do better than most of the people around me. If I tried harder I'd pull straight A's, but I can tell that the concepts just click with me a lot sooner than the people around me. So I think I am a true CS geek. It's for me. I had to experience it to know for sure, but I didn't jump in just 'cause I like computers. Most of the guys in the CS department just don't seem like they belong there. It doesn't seem like that's what they are naturally good at, and I'm afraid they don't enjoy it. Maybe being naturally good at it isn't enough either, but for me both seem to fit. I enjoy it and I do well.

I'm glad you decided that just liking computers wasn't a good enough reason to base your life around it. You should always go for what you enjoy over what you think you should do. Being a CS major is a lot different than just fiddling with computers.

Same here. I went into CS with an open mind, not knowing if I'd like it and perfectly willing to switch majors. I loved it and stayed in it, while a lot of other folks seemed to slog through it even though they didn't enjoy it at all. Kind of made me wonder why they bother. This isn't to say that I, to this day, don't still ask myself 'what if I had majored in ....'

Congratulations D'Espice, making a decision like that takes a lot of courage, but it must be very satisfying to know you're doing the right thing for yourself.

[Mastrap]

It's a good thing you've made the decision now and didn't wait until you woke up one day with a wife, kid, mortgage and a death wish.

Life is too short not to be enjoyed. Hope you'll find what'll rock your boat.

[DeathToWindows]

Originally posted by ambush:
I would have been in the same situation as you if I had not realised the thing as early as this year (I'm 18).

I don't wanna be a computer engineer, I want programming to be a hobby.

I want to be an experimental psychologist - I get to use a lot of computer gear and be a geek, but I also get to do science that has interested me for years

D'Espice, you deserve a good

ambush, pardon me for modifing this, but it sums me up pretty well too

[D'Espice]

Thanks again, it really does feel very satisfying to know that I made the right decision. I haven't felt that good for years I tells ya, it just feels awesome. I know it was the right decision, otherwise I would've had regrets by now.

Most people around here did not understand my decision tho. Some of'em only knew me as somebody who was good with computers, they were quite amazed. I do have some friends tho who support my decision and weren't at all surprised. One even said she'd expected me to have done that years ago... I wish she would've told me.
My girlfriend was even shocked, she's still in denial. When we met, I was the Alpha Geek par excellence, she still doesn't believe that that wasn't really me.

[OreoCookie]

Originally posted by D'Espice:
Thanks again, it really does feel very satisfying to know that I made the right decision. I haven't felt that good for years I tells ya, it just feels awesome. I know it was the right decision, otherwise I would've had regrets by now.

Most people around here did not understand my decision tho. Some of'em only knew me as somebody who was good with computers, they were quite amazed. I do have some friends tho who support my decision and weren't at all surprised. One even said she'd expected me to have done that years ago... I wish she would've told me.
My girlfriend was even shocked, she's still in denial. When we met, I was the Alpha Geek par excellence, she still doesn't believe that that wasn't really me.

Well, part of you is still an Alpha Geek, I guess, but you have decided that your life should take another turn. From what you are writing, my guesstimate is that part of you will stay a geek as other guys are attracted to motor bikes or cars.

I would enjoy the time as much as you can and to take the chances that you have when startting from scratch.

BTW, what is your gf studying?

[D'Espice]

Originally posted by OreoCookie:
BTW, what is your gf studying?

She's a business administration major and as such, all about the money. Which is why the first thing I had to put up with was her bitchin' about how there are no jobs for people like that and that CS is the future and ****... I just walked out on here, couldn't stand to listen to that stuff much longer. But we're good again, talked about it the next day and she realized that this is what I truly want, so she can either accept it or not.

[OreoCookie]

Originally posted by D'Espice:
She's a business administration major and as such, all about the money. Which is why the first thing I had to put up with was her bitchin' about how there are no jobs for people like that and that CS is the future and ****... I just walked out on here, couldn't stand to listen to that stuff much longer. But we're good again, talked about it the next day and she realized that this is what I truly want, so she can either accept it or not.

Doesn't sound good to me.
It's always difficult for a relationship when your life takes a turn (and there is no (initial) acceptance for that decision). Here in Japan, this is where most relationships fail -- they cannot accomodate to the changes in the person who lives here.

May your inner strength be with you. This is going to be an interesting ride.

[angaq0k]

Originally posted by D'Espice:
Let this be a lesson to you people, never listen to others telling you what you are or are not good at. Make up your mind for yourself, be strong. Me, it took me three years to make that step and finally get rid of the demons in my underpants. Don't be that stupid, it's not worth it - believe me.

Congratulations for your discovery!

It is so difficult to figure what we really want to do of our future. Most people will be able to do "something" and deal with that for a while. Others are just not in it, other don't care.

With time, others will have to change again and again.

But the most important, is the feeling of being coherent with what you feel.

Best wishes of success with your new and future endeavours!

[Nivag]

Originally posted by D'Espice:
She's a business administration major and as such, all about the money. Which is why the first thing I had to put up with was her bitchin' about how there are no jobs for people like that and that CS is the future and ****... I just walked out on here, couldn't stand to listen to that stuff much longer. But we're good again, talked about it the next day and she realized that this is what I truly want, so she can either accept it or not.

Well you could always tell her that you are all for equal rights for women and if she wants to be the major money maker in the relationship, then that'll be fine by you, just as long as she give you some of the money

nice one for having the balls for taking hold of your life, instead of being pushed by others!

[phoenixboy70]

gratulation d'espice.

zum gl�ck hast du's noch rechtzeitig genug gemerkt. - und informatik die branche der zulunft??? ...oft! sieht wohl so aus als m�sstest du auch noch deine freundin wechseln...

egal, weiter so! lebe auch gerade meinen traum...auch wenns manchmal ein alptraum is.

[Sealobo]

not sure if you're doing the right thing, but man you have balls.