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Kitschy · May 16, 2003, 12:11 PM

Q: Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?
A. Cuz then they'd be bay-gulls! (bagels)

HA!

Paco500 · May 17, 2003, 12:10 AM

A guy walks into a bar with a slamander on his shoulder.

The bartender asks, "hey buddy, what's your pet's name?"

The guy says, "Tiny."

"Tiny?"

"Well, he's my newt."

Swiss Bob · May 17, 2003, 03:29 PM

Originally posted by philzilla:
scouse jokes (at least max should get them)

Another one:

Q) What do you call a scouser in a five-bedroomed detached house?

A) A burglar.

jcarr · May 17, 2003, 06:02 PM

Did you hear the one about the man who fell into a lens grinding machine?

He made a spectacle of himself.

sambeau · May 17, 2003, 07:24 PM

So eventually the bear says, "err.. a pint of lager please".

And the barman says, " so why the big pause?"

holygoat · May 17, 2003, 08:29 PM

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Philip Glass.

3gg3 · May 18, 2003, 11:29 PM

girl: my father likes to take apart things that aren't going.
boy: so?
girl: so maybe you should be going...

talisker · May 18, 2003, 11:42 PM

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that "you can't have your kayak and heat it too".

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome"
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside "How's that?" "Don't you start."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round."
The other one says, "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "Have
you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the boobs!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that
was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

boots · May 19, 2003, 08:04 AM

Originally posted by talisker:
"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome"
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Bwaahaaahaaaa!

maxelson · May 19, 2003, 08:26 AM

Originally posted by holygoat:
Knock knock.

Who's there?

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Philip Glass.

HAH!!!! Oh, THAT is rich!

Amorya · May 19, 2003, 12:19 PM

Where d'you find a tortoise with no legs?

Where you left it!

sambeau · May 19, 2003, 12:50 PM

Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher jumps out and flashes at them.
One immediately has a stroke..

.. and the other can't reach..

sambeau · May 19, 2003, 12:52 PM

How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Darkness is the new standard.

wolfen · May 19, 2003, 09:29 PM

"Mommy, Mommy I hate Daddy's guts!"

"Shut up and eat your soup before it clots!"

wolfen

Spheric Harlot · May 19, 2003, 10:27 PM

...and then there was the drummer who was so sick of everybody bitching about his timing that he went out and threw himself behind an oncoming train.

Spheric Harlot · May 19, 2003, 10:28 PM

what's black-white-black-white-black-white-black-white-black?

a penguin rolling down a hill.

CharlesS · May 20, 2003, 02:00 AM

Why do they get scared if you bring a violin case into a bank?

Because they worry that you might have a machine gun in there and that you might use it.

Why do they get scared if you bring a viola case into a bank?

Because they worry that you might have a viola in there and that you might use it.

How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?

Shine a flashlight into her ear.

What's the definition of a male vocal quartet?

Three men and a tenor.

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

The bull has the horns in the front and the a$$hole in the back.

suprz's ghost · May 20, 2003, 07:31 AM

" i went to a party and everyone was jumping for joy....joy got mad and left"

sambeau · May 20, 2003, 07:47 AM

"Mummy, Mummy, why can't I go out and play like other kids?"

- "Shut up and deal!"

Spheric Harlot · May 20, 2003, 10:11 AM

Another favorite:

What's a twack?

Something a twain wuns on.

roger_ramjet · May 20, 2003, 11:43 AM

a newly discovered pleasure:

bewebste · May 20, 2003, 01:11 PM

A termite walks into the bar and asks "Is the bar tender?"

A bear walks into a bar, and the bartender asks what he wants. The bear responds, "I would like........................ a beer". So the bartender asks "Why the big pause?"

A movie director wants to make an action movie about classical composers. So he signs on Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, and Jean-Claude Van Damme to star in the movie. He tells them that they can choose whatever composer they would like to portray in the movie. He asks Van Damme, who says "Well, I think Chopin has always been my favorite composer, so I'd like to play Chopin." The director says that's fine and asks Stallone who he'd like to play. Stallone says "Well, it's a tough decision, but Beethoven has always been my favorite, so I'll choose Beethoven." The director then turns to Arnold to ask who he'd like to play, and Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."