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fobside · May 5, 2002, 01:20 AM

Homer: "The first step to trying is failure."

wataru · May 5, 2002, 01:21 AM

My favorite dialog between Homer and his brain:

Homer: Ahh, the last peanut, overflowing with the salts and juices of its dear departed brothers.
[Homer closes eyes and throws peanut towards his mouth, but misses. He then reaches around under the couch...]
Homer: Oww, pointy! Eww, slimy! Gasp, moving! ... Aha!
[Homer pulls out a $20 bill]
Homer: (dejectedly) Aww, $20... But I wanted a peanut.
Brain: $20 can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how.
Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: Woohoo!
[Homer then runs out the door, but trips on the peanut and loses his hold on the $20, which floats out the open window]

And how about Grandpa's pointless stories?

"... and that's why to this day, the banana is known as the 'yellow fatty bean.'"

"... that was back in 19-dickety-2. We couldn't use the word 'twenty' because the Kaiser had stolen it. I chased that Kaiser for neigh on to dickety-7 years but never got it back."

[ 05-05-2002: Message edited by: wataru ]

IUJHJSDHE · May 5, 2002, 01:45 AM

Hey has anyone else notice The Simpson's has become VERY crapy now?!?!?!

Too bad

Anyway I always liked....

Homer: "To start press any key, wheres the any key?"

Bart: "Well I think it's ironic that for once dads butt prevented the release of toxic gas"

--This one I am a bit anoyed at but it's still funny!
Homer: "It was sponsered by that guy from apple computers"
Some Guy: "What computers?"

ThinkInsane · May 5, 2002, 04:26 AM

Ralphie: "Sleep! That's when I'm a Viking!"

Homer: "10-4 Princess. Is that the beer tent?"

� · May 5, 2002, 05:00 PM

It's my sig

seb2 · May 5, 2002, 05:34 PM

from "principal skinner's sense of snow" -- bart and lisa are snowed in in their school:

marge: "how are the kids gonna get home?"
homer: "i don't know... internet?"

Laauuren · May 5, 2002, 06:24 PM

Where do I start?

Okay, remember the (Halloween, I am pretty sure) episode where Homer dies but must perform a good deed before being allowed into Heaven. So he goes back to Earth for one last shot. Well Marge gives him her "to do" list and asks him to help with the chores. He takes a look at the lengthy list and says something to the effect of, "I'm just trying to get into Heaven, it's not like I'm running for Jesus!"

One more. There was an episode where Homer was having a conversation with Lenny and Carl. The camera pans down on Homer's hands, where he has written: Lenny=white, Carl=black.

Even one more. All the guys are at Moe's, and Carl starts talking and accidentally ends up telling Homer how lazy and fat he is, Moe how ugly he is, Lenny how dumb he is, etc. (or something to this effect). Anyway, all the guys start crying, and the camera closes in on Carl. He shrugs and says, "See why they never give me any lines?"

wataru · May 5, 2002, 11:36 PM

Originally posted by �:
It's my sig

... which has a typo and a grammar problem...

I can understand typos and whatnot in normal posts, but it bugs me when they're in sigs and thread titles. Spellcheck, people! Spellcheck!

sek929 · May 6, 2002, 01:09 AM

In Treehouse of Horror IV

Homer: "We are going to Mr. Burn's house in... Pennsylvania!!

Marge: "Did everyone remember to wash their necks like Mr Burns asked?"
Homer: "Yep" [holds up the most filthy rag ever]

As bart is escaping from Mr Burns' basment with many vampires he comes to a lever labeled 'Super fun slide" and says "Eh, you only live once.."

In the next skit where a demon is on the school bus.

Bart: "Otto, theres a gremlin on the side of the bus!!!"
Otto sees Hans Moleman driving an AC Gremlin beside him
Otto: "No problem little dude!!"
Otto runs Hans off the road, Hans' car stops a foot before the tree and then explodes.

Homer: "Take that you evil vampire"
Lisa: " Uhhh dad, thats his crotch..."

The Dude · May 6, 2002, 03:24 AM

"I was saying boo-urns." -Hans Moleman

BTP · May 10, 2002, 04:27 PM

Homer: But Marge, you know every time I learn something new it pushes old stuff out of my brain.....remember when we took that wine tasting course and forgot how to drive?

Marge: Homer! You were drunk!

Homer: (dreamily) and how!

FERRO · May 10, 2002, 04:51 PM

Originally posted by BTP:
Homer: But Marge, you know every time I learn something new it pushes old stuff out of my brain.....remember when we took that wine tasting course and forgot how to drive?

Marge: Homer! You were drunk!

Homer: (dreamily) and how!

I just got that!

ironknee · May 10, 2002, 10:48 PM

where do I start?
-----------------------------------------
"mmmm floor pie"
-----------------------------------------
"mmmm purple"
-----------------------------------------
Lisa: No I can't! I can't eat any of them!

Homer: Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Lisa honey, are you saying you're *never* going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?

Lisa: No.

Homer: Ham?

Lisa: No.

Homer: Pork chops?

Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal!

Homer: [Chuckles] Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
-----------------------------------------
"You're surrounded. Come out with your hands up, a cup of coffee and an air freshener that says Capricorn"

undotwa · May 10, 2002, 11:45 PM

"Eeeexxxcelant"

I know - it's annoying, but that's what makes it funny.

G4ME · May 11, 2002, 12:14 AM

Sure I'd love an Omlet right about now

philzilla · May 11, 2002, 12:40 AM

blatently not arsed reading through all that, but did anyone say:

doh!

yet?

if they did, then i'm really not bothered, but if they didn't, then you should all be ashamed of yourselves for letting a scouser point it out! *hic*

*knocks something over, pukes, then falls into a coma*

sek929 · May 11, 2002, 01:13 AM

Barts crazy on Focusin and he is in the tank.

:

oints at school::

Skinner: Oh god hes going to shoot!
Jimbo: All right dude, scud the school
Mrs. Crabaple: <deadpan> No, stop, think of thee children.

:

oints at Church::

Rev. Lovejoy: Not the church! Jesus lives there!!

:

oints at discount frame store::

Homer: The frame store!!??!! YOU MONSTER!!!

[ 05-11-2002: Message edited by: sek929 ]

pathogen · May 11, 2002, 01:30 AM

Homer: (bees suddenly start swarming around the pile of sugar in his driveway) AAAHHH! Oww! They're defending themselves somehow!

(later...) It's melting! What a world, what a world... (sobs)

ajprice · May 11, 2002, 11:01 AM

"Hmmmm! They have the internet on computers now."

digimage · May 11, 2002, 02:40 PM

Mr. Burns: "Well, what do you think Smithers?"

Smithers: "I think women and seamen don't mix."

Plus, when Burns was in a tank, trying to play "Ride of the Valkyries" and smithers had recorded over it with "Waterloo" by Abba.

BigMark · May 12, 2002, 08:19 AM

"Smithers.... I've invented a new plane; I call it the 'Spruce Moose', and it can carry 200 passengers from New Yorks Idlewald airport to the Belgian Congo in 17 minutes ! "

"That's quite a nice model, sir."

"Model?"

[ 05-12-2002: Message edited by: BigMark ]

BigMark · May 12, 2002, 08:24 AM

"Quick, to the plant ! We'll take the Spruce Moose; hop in! "

"But, sir....."

"I.....said.....Hop.....in " (sound of revolver being cocked.)

BigMark · May 12, 2002, 08:27 AM

"Oh, and one more thing:....you must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon."

"Ahem, er, well actually sir we found the Jade Monkey. It was in the glove compartment."

"And the maps, and ice scraper?"

"They were there too, sir"

"Excellent, it's all falling into place"

BigMark · May 12, 2002, 08:36 AM

in an episode called desperately seeking Xena, The Collector (Comic Store Guy) kidnaps Xena from a Xena convention and takes her back to his lair under the comic book store. Lisa & Bart (Clobber Girl and Stretch Dude) try to save her:

"Stop right there! I have here the only working phaser ever built. It was fired only once , to keep William Shatner from making another album."

then later....

"While we're waiting, here are some names you can call me on our wedding night: Obi-wan, Iron Man, Mr. MixesPiklet and of course, Biiig Papa Smurf."

tinrib · May 12, 2002, 09:04 AM

Originally posted by MikeM32:
Comic Book Guy: "Last night's 'Itchy & Scratchy' was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world."

haha - that's a classic

tinrib · May 12, 2002, 09:15 AM

Originally posted by awaspaas:

I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.

haha another classic!

what a geek!

tooki · May 12, 2002, 02:50 PM

Two of my faves come from the episode where Monty Burns goes out with the policewoman:

Smithers: "I told you we should have parked by the curb!" (Zooms out so you see Burns' ancient car parked in the middle of the road at a weird angle, being ticketed by the policewoman.)

and later on, on the ferris wheel at the fair

Policewoman: "So, what does a one hundred and four-year-old do for fun?"
Burns: "Oh, the usual youthful endeavors," (pauses and looks down at ground) "piloting motorcoaches and collecting dog feces."
(When he looks down, he sees people in bumper cars and the groundskeeper with the pooper scooper.)

tooki

macthelastredman · May 12, 2002, 03:06 PM

http://simpsonssounds.8m.com/smart.wav

tooki · May 13, 2002, 07:27 AM

From last night's Simpsons:

Ralph: "You're like my mommy after she's had a box of wine!"

tooki

cacarr1 · May 13, 2002, 08:33 AM

I forget the premise, but it was somwthing like this:

"Shhhhh, don't talk about s-e-x in front of the c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n"

(someone in the crowd, I think Krusty):
"Sex cauldren, where!?"

And of course from Homer: "Sure, there's some magical animal that ham, bacon and pork all come from".

chingwei · May 13, 2002, 10:12 PM

OK, you're all going to think I'm lame coz I can't remember it word for word, but the funniest line is when Santa's Little Helper goes missing for some reason, Bart starts crying, and Homer says something to the effect of:

"Crying isn't going to bring your dog back, unless your tears smell like dog food. So, you can either sit here, crying like a baby, until your tears smell enough like dog food for the dog to come back, or you can go out there and FIND him!"

I need help remembering this line, can anyone else do it justice?

This thread ROCKS, someone should archive it somewhere...

-Ching-Wei

chingwei · May 13, 2002, 10:16 PM

Another classic Ralph quote, from the episode where Principal Skinner and Krabapple have their secret love affair, when they are confronted by the parents, and Ralph, a witness, says:

"Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabapple were in the Janitor's closet making babies, and I saw one of the babies, and the baby SMILED at me..."

-Ching-Wei

G4ME · May 13, 2002, 10:50 PM

Ralph, "Why does everyone run away from me?" (a wet spot is noticable from his crotch)

wataru · May 14, 2002, 12:44 AM

Originally posted by chingwei:
OK, you're all going to think I'm lame coz I can't remember it word for word, but the funniest line is when Santa's Little Helper goes missing for some reason, Bart starts crying, and Homer says something to the effect of:

"Crying isn't going to bring your dog back, unless your tears smell like dog food. So, you can either sit here, crying like a baby, until your tears smell enough like dog food for the dog to come back, or you can go out there and FIND him!"

I need help remembering this line, can anyone else do it justice?

This thread ROCKS, someone should archive it somewhere...

-Ching-Wei

You got most of it. You missed a key element, though. Here is the original, courtesy of http://www.snpp.com :

Homer: "Well, crying isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food. So you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back -- or you can go out there and find your dog."
Bart: "You're right! I'll do it." [Bart runs out the kitchen]
Homer: "Rats. I almost had him eating dog food!"

BTP · May 14, 2002, 01:34 AM

Originally posted by cacarr1:
I forget the premise, but it was somwthing like this:

"Shhhhh, don't talk about s-e-x in front of the c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n"

(someone in the crowd, I think Krusty):
"Sex cauldren, where!?"

Awesome one! Close. Its was:

Mrs. Lovejoy or Maude Flanders:
"Shhhhh, don't talk about s-e-x in front of the c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n"

Krusty:
"Sex Cauldron, I thought they closed that place down!?"

Bodhi · May 14, 2002, 01:44 AM

Okay...I am the biggest Simpsons fan. I have every single toy from the World of Springfield line. Well being that I work in the music business and through some connections I had the most amazing experience this past October. I went to the Fox lot and sat in on a Simpsons Table Reading. For those that do not know what that is a week before an episode is shot or in this case recorded the cast will read through the script with the producers and writers to see what works and what doesn't. So at the Simpsons table reading all of the voice actors are reading the script in the voice of their characters. Absoutely amazing! Absolutely hilarious!!!

So after the reading, they signed this for me:

burger · May 14, 2002, 08:52 AM

Homer drunk with Barny as dedicated driver:

"Don't forget to bring back my car back tomorrow. Just slide it uunder the door!" -Homer

gumby5647 · May 14, 2002, 10:57 AM

*Milhous* "if i do anything for her, she's bound to respect me..."

*Homer* "Ohhh...stupid sexy flanders..."

*Comic book store guy* Pretty much anything he says....

*Ralph* Pretty much anything he says...

*Professor Frink* Pretty much anything he says... GLAVIN!

maxelson · May 14, 2002, 11:09 AM

"Lies make the little baby Jesus cry."
ABSOLUTE Favorite:
"Oh Boy! Sleep! That's where I'm a viking!"

TheJoshu · May 16, 2002, 06:12 PM

"Mom, there's a weird smell and a lot of cursing coming from the basement, and dad's upstairs!" - Lisa

"Oh, it's just Bart and a mysterious stranger!" - Homer

ThunderP · May 16, 2002, 07:13 PM

Creepy sales guy: Take this doll, but beware, it carries a terrible terrible curse.
Homer: Oooh, thats bad.
Sales guy: But it comes with a free frogurt!
Homer: Thats good!
Sales guy: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: Thats bad.
Sales Guy: But you get your choice of toppings.
Homer: Thats good!
Sales guy: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
Homer:...
Sales guy: ...Thats bad
Homer: can i go now?

ironknee · May 16, 2002, 11:48 PM

"Jesus must be spinning in his grave" Barney

JoeBruin · May 17, 2002, 02:19 AM

Ralphie:"Eww, that tastes like Grandma!"
Chief Wiggum: "That DOES taste like Grandma! Gimme a dozen."

(TOMACCO)

bewebste · May 17, 2002, 02:35 PM

A couple more from the New York episode:

Homer: Now what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
Vendor: Mountain Dew or crab juice.
Homer: Blecch! Ew! Sheesh! I'll take a crab juice...

Voice: Thank you for calling the parking violations bureau. To plea `not guilty,' press `one' now. [Homer dials `one'] Thank you. Your plea has been...
Male rough voice: [the man's voice is gruff] Rejected.
Convenient voice: You will be assessed the full fine plus a small...
Male rough voice: Large lateness fee.
Voice: Please wait by your vehicle between 9 AM and 5 PM for parking officer Steve...
Male rough voice: Grabowski.

And while I'm thinking of funny phone calls...

Homer: I've got to call the plant and warn them! [grabs phone, but his fingers are too fat to dial one key at a time]
Operator: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.

Marge: Can you see them?
Homer: I can see Lisa...but it might be a starfish! I gotta call them. [runs, dials a phone]
Woman: [recording] The number you have dialed can no longer be reached from this phone, you [splice] negligent [splice] monster.

wingdo · May 17, 2002, 03:10 PM

The episode where Springfield is about to be destroyed by the asteroid.

A bill goes up before congress to rescue the citizens of Springfield.

The "save springfield" bill is about to pass when one of the congressmen jumps up and attaches an amendment to the bill having to do something with freeing up pornography for everyone, the "save springfield / porno" bill fails.

Kent Brockman on the evening news: I've said it before and I'll say it again. Democracy just doesn't work.