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Isshecomingback? · Jan 15, 2011, 06:20 AM

My girlfriend of a number of years broke up with me today. After a week of "not sure" and flipflopping between "we're together 4ever" and "I need space" she finally pulled the trigger and ended things. So I think for good.

Background:

We've been together for awhile. I'm young, she's young (post college). For three months we've developed a rift in our relationship. We just weren't there for each other like we used to be. She lives an hour from me and has been going through a yearlong treatment for Hepatitis C. I have been working and been in school fulltime and trying to be there for her. I couldn't be as much as I wanted and in my own way pushed her away. It wasn't enough.

I realize now that i didn't really listen to her. I just thought of myself and what the "best thing to do is" and stuck to my guns without truly listening to her. Now she's gone. Her words almost broke when she told me it was "over right now." She admitted to being scared and fragile, and said nothing else. I begged and pleaded and asked her if this is what she really wanted (with no response).

We always had a hard time communicating when something was wrong, and both of us stuck to this notion of "love means you figure it out and correct it without having to talk" How stupid I am. We both are horrendously stubborn and always "right." How can I move on? My whole life was centered around building a future for us, and I neglected the present in the process. I always treated her very very well even when I "wasn't there" by calling, telling her I loved her and every other uninspired way of showing it. I just couldn't let my walls down for the last three months, arrogant enough to think that I'd never lose her and that tomorrow would be better and that we both believed that. I didn't listen to her. I'm not sure what to do now. How can I convince somebody that I knows loves me and is in alot of pain that I feel the same way without invading her space? How can I show her how much she means to me regardless of "compatibility." She has alot of unrealistic expectations and alot of times I'm too practical. I'm a hopeless romantic and still believe even after this that our love will conquer all. I just hope I'm not being naive. Right now I'm going through 3 hours at a time of being okay,and confident, then 3 hours of being a mess and trying to think of ways to support her and be in her life without invading her space. My walls are totally down now. My defenses are gone and I just want my love to come home

Is she coming back?

Can anybody offer some insight?

Should I listen to my instincts and fight for her? Or should I let it go and move on - maybe in the future one day. Both I'm capable of - not sure what to do.

I'm a hopeless romantic and can't find the right words to say or the right actions to do.

Isshecomingback? · Jan 15, 2011, 06:40 AM

its 530 in the morning and I can't sleep. I know that now I have to be strong if there is to be any hope. But should there be?

we're both the kind of people to take a little, make a decision, and stick with. I've made my decision. I love her. I know she loves me too but can't get over the last three months. What can I do?

Phileas · Jan 15, 2011, 08:52 AM

As far as I am concerned, breaking up after college is a good thing. Most people I know who didn't and decided to get married were divorced by 32, feeling that they've missed out somehow.

msuper69 · Jan 15, 2011, 09:27 AM

Originally Posted by Isshecomingback?

My girlfriend of a number of years broke up with me today. After a week of "not sure" and flipflopping between "we're together 4ever" and "I need space" she finally pulled the trigger and ended things. So I think for good.

...

Her actions pretty much sum it all up.
It's over. Otherwise she wouldn't have left.

Good luck!

ebuddy · Jan 15, 2011, 09:56 AM

Folks here will only be able to give you their limited life-experiences unless you happen across one of our resident psychologists.

From my own limited life-experience, your 3 months of distance and/or indifference toward her may have allowed just enough room for another to come into her life and give her the resolve to finally end the relationship. I've seen women waver... and waver... and waver... until another man takes a liking to them then BAM! - it's over in the blink of an eye. Once they realize they can be loved by someone else, they're more apt to give the new opportunities a chance. They'll end the old opportunity, often abruptly, and with a great deal of sudden resolve. It's important you understand what you might be up against. You can give it one last hurrah if you really want to, but if there isn't a clear move in your favor along with some offer of commitment, bail.

Ultimately, I think she's moving on and you should too because of course... you're also lovable and someone else will take a liking to you.

Once you've found that someone else can love you, you'll have the resolve to let this one go. Otherwise you'll be emotionally hostage to the whimsy of a girl who is out dating while you continue to lose sleep. Get out there and start dating my friend!

driven · Jan 15, 2011, 10:40 AM

It takes two to work at a relationship for it to be enjoyable and rewording. (Trust me, I've chosen the word "work" in there for a reason.) Unless both parties are willing to put in that effort, it's futile. She's already made clear her intent. You aren't married to her. You don't have kids ... move on and find someone who will work with you and appreciate you. (and there are so many possible matches out there for everyone, I'm sure of that.)

Oddly (this never made sense to me, but it seems to be a rule) ... if you move on without too much fuss, she might find you MORE interesting then if you sit around and beg for her to give it another shot (which never works.)

Sorry about the relationship. (Truly). I have no doubt you'll recover.

PB2K · Jan 15, 2011, 01:20 PM

Here's a fix

I hope you become a good drinker

Doofy · Jan 15, 2011, 01:41 PM

ebuddy speaketh the truth. You need fresh meat.

sdilley14 · Jan 15, 2011, 04:27 PM

"My whole life was centered around building a future for us, and I neglected the present in the process." Not.good.

Move on. You're young and you spent a lot of time centering all of your time and efforts around a relationship, and in the process likely neglected the things that will make YOU happy in the long run. Move on, be single for a while, get your life in order, make yourself happy, don't go out looking for someone to date, and eventually someone will find YOU!

And yes, ebuddy hit the nail on the head without a doubt!

BadKosh · Jan 15, 2011, 05:28 PM

No matter how hot she looks, there's somebody somewhere who's sick of her crap! Move on. Find someone who's more like you and who you can have a real relationship with.

sek929 · Jan 15, 2011, 05:48 PM

Seeing as nearly the exact same scenario happened to me a mere 4 months back I can offer no solace to you other than time will help you out a great deal. We dated for 5 years and had been discussing moving in together and all that jazz, it was an incredibly difficult thing for me to deal with and I continue to struggle with it. I've been lucky to have a very large group of friends that have been my saving grace mentally. That and my best friend is dating a girl who has a very nice twin sister, literally just last night at the bar we hit it off. Nothing serious but it felt great to have someone to flirt with again and it improved my mood a million percent.

The only advice I could give is not to hold on to what you no longer have. Pining for things to 'return to normal' is a pipe-dream. If you have broken up then something isn't the same between you, and there isn't always some easily definable reason for that. I know how you feel, and it is indeed an awful terrible feeling, but keep your chin up!

sek929 · Jan 15, 2011, 06:34 PM

Originally Posted by PB2K

Here's a fix

I hope you become a good drinker

As cliché as it is, it feels good to really let loose after a situation of this nature. I'm slowing back down, but the first few months I drank a herculean amount of booze...namely this:

moonmonkey · Jan 15, 2011, 09:43 PM

Screw one of her friends.

Big Mac · Jan 16, 2011, 05:29 AM

So the girl has Hep C and she was the one who broke it off? If you got away clean it sounds like you got a good deal.

Cold Warrior · Jan 16, 2011, 10:06 AM

Originally Posted by moonmonkey

Screw one of her friends.

Consensually.

We don't need to read about this in the papers.

Doc HM · Jan 16, 2011, 10:15 AM

Originally Posted by Phileas

As far as I am concerned, breaking up after college is a good thing. Most people I know who didn't and decided to get married were divorced by 32, feeling that they've missed out somehow.

statistically this isn't true. People who marry school sweethearts actually stay married longer than later couples and stay together forever more often.

Off to dig up link to ref, back later

driven · Jan 16, 2011, 10:47 AM

Originally Posted by Doc HM

statistically this isn't true. People who marry school sweethearts actually stay married longer than later couples and stay together forever more often.

Off to dig up link to ref, back later

I married mine. (After dating for 8 years.) We are still together. But, here were a few periods that were a LOT of work. We finally have it figured out and really are very blissfully happy, but it was a long road to get here. We only got here because we both wanted to. That sort of goes back to my earlier point that both people need to work at it. Love and marriage is not an easy endeavor.

Isshecomingback? · Jan 16, 2011, 02:36 PM

So i had a good day out with the friends. I know that she still loves me and right now is just trying to figure things out without anyone else's influence - she's growing up. My friends seem to think that we both love each other too much to not end up together, but right now I think she just has to discover some things on her own. I just have to have trust and have faith that things will somehow work themselves out for the best.

Isshecomingback? · Jan 16, 2011, 02:39 PM

Originally Posted by driven

I married mine. (After dating for 8 years.) We are still together. But, here were a few periods that were a LOT of work. We finally have it figured out and really are very blissfully happy, but it was a long road to get here. We only got here because we both wanted to. That sort of goes back to my earlier point that both people need to work at it. Love and marriage is not an easy endeavor.

Thank you!

And you're right, its not.

sdilley14 · Jan 16, 2011, 04:16 PM

"Discover some things"...aka go out and sink a few meat poles, then come back and "settle" for the easy, comfortable, La-Z Boy relationship you'll surely provide. Then do it all over again later on down the road.

Just kidding. But seriously though, that's what will happen.

Goldfinger · Jan 16, 2011, 04:20 PM

Originally Posted by Isshecomingback?

So i had a good day out with the friends. I know that she still loves me and right now is just trying to figure things out without anyone else's influence - she's growing up. My friends seem to think that we both love each other too much to not end up together, but right now I think she just has to discover some things on her own. I just have to have trust and have faith that things will somehow work themselves out for the best.

How do you know and what does she think ? Of course your friends tell you that it'll all work out (I'm not saying it won't, I don't know you two!). But please be realistic.

Originally Posted by sek929

The only advice I could give is not to hold on to what you no longer have. Pining for things to 'return to normal' is a pipe-dream. If you have broken up then something isn't the same between you, and there isn't always some easily definable reason for that. I know how you feel, and it is indeed an awful terrible feeling, but keep your chin up!

This.

I don't mean to be hard or cruel, just don't set yourself up for getting hurt even more. You don't need to go out and find someone else tomorrow. Just take your time, spend time with friends and try to forget her.

ebuddy · Jan 16, 2011, 05:41 PM

What happened to this?

My girlfriend of a number of years broke up with me today. After a week of "not sure" and flipflopping between "we're together 4ever" and "I need space" she finally pulled the trigger and ended things. So I think for good.

She "broke up with you", "pulled the trigger" and "ended things" and now she's back to wavering? I'm tellin' ya bra, you're competing against someone else. If you're okay with her dating to "figure things out" than so be it, just know what you're up against and while she's "figuring things out", you're "waiting on her to figure things out".

How long are you going to give it?

PB2K · Jan 16, 2011, 07:30 PM

yeah, be a man and wait it out. in the meantime be faithful !

the last post is realistic ;girls say they want to remain friends when they gut you out. it's up to you to show that you dont really need her to be happy. (you'll figure that out with girlfriend nr 2)

Doofy · Jan 16, 2011, 08:52 PM

Dude, she broke up with you. That means she has, at the very least, some kind of confusion with regards to your relationship.

So, if you get back together there'll always be a thought at the back of your mind that you only just got back in, only just beat out whatever it was which caused the confusion. That's no way to live.

Forget about her. Get yerself some fresh meat. With larger boobs.

sek929 · Jan 16, 2011, 10:02 PM

You really need to not hold on to any shred of getting her back if you don't wish to prolong your suffering. The best thing for you is to know, without any hint of doubt, that you are over as a couple and will never get back together. Having any romanticized idea of winning her back is only going to make the inevitability worse for you. Life isn't a Hollywood movie where you'll run down her train leaving town or some sappy BS.

Doofy and Goldfinger are completely right. Accept the fact she doesn't see you in the same light anymore. Ask yourself, very truthfully, that if you could get her back tomorrow would you be truly happy. Could you continue on as a confident individual if you always had the notion of being thrown away at any time again? Would you want to get dumped more than once by the same person?

Again, I'm going through very similar shit right now, but the first thing I did was convince myself...in no uncertain terms, that what was once a fulfilling relationship is over, done, kaput, never to be seen again. I can also tell you, despite any lingering feelings, that I would not take my ex back for the very reasons outlined by Doofy. Getting put through hell should change your opinion of the other, you don't need to hate her, but if she is done with you then you have to be done with her. If you had a long time with her (and it seems like you did) be thankful for the happiness it brought to you in those years, and if you landed a good girl once you can do it again!

imitchellg5 · Jan 16, 2011, 11:03 PM

Get over it.

If you're really a hopeless romantic, you'll realise that there is more than one fish in the sea.

brassplayersrock² · Jan 17, 2011, 12:17 AM

At least you two weren't married, and feel that it's all her fault for the relationship not working, and that you didn't have a single thing to do with the breakup. Good luck with things.

Doc HM · Jan 17, 2011, 08:33 AM

These threads miss Rob.

OreoCookie · 09:05 AM

I second (actually fourth) what Goldfinger, sek and ebuddy have been saying: the best thing you can do is rip her out of your life. Every time you have a nice memory, you need to fight it with the realization that she has left you. And allow yourself to be angry! It's not all your fault and the thought `if I change ABC, that may not have happened …' gets you caught up in your own phantasy where you live happily ever after. Not. Going. To. Happen. This piece of advice may sound very a-holish from me (which is unfortunately why friends rarely give it), but it's true. I wish somebody had told me the first time I felt like you do now. It just prolonged my suffering.

Even if on the off-chance she comes back knocking on your door, do your homework and clean your own house: you can't see straight right now and suffering from a bout of depression is a normal reaction. Once you have managed to distance yourself from the relationship, you can start learning what really went wrong and what you take away from it.

Oh, and one thing IMO you should have never done is `beg and plead,' It immediately makes you unappealing as a guy.

Shaddim · Jan 17, 2011, 11:10 AM

Originally Posted by Doc HM

statistically this isn't true. People who marry school sweethearts actually stay married longer than later couples and stay together forever more often.

Off to dig up link to ref, back later

Mine was the opposite. It was a train wreck that messed us up for a long time, we should have just ended it cleanly but kept trying to hang on. Even now we can barely talk to each other. It's so bad that she spent some of our class reunion in the bathroom crying and my wife had to go in and calm her down, and all I did was say hello and gave her a hug.

My advice is to break it off now and immediately get back on the horse and start dating others. For a little while it will hurt like hell, but you'll both be better off for it.

Doofy · Jan 17, 2011, 11:45 AM

Originally Posted by OreoCookie

I second (actually fourth) what Goldfinger, sek and ebuddy have been saying

Please try not to pursue a career where observation or maths are required.

OreoCookie · Jan 17, 2011, 12:03 PM

Originally Posted by Doofy

Please try not to pursue a career where observation or maths are required.

Funny that you mention it, I'll finish my PhD in mathematics next week

ShortcutToMoncton · Jan 17, 2011, 01:20 PM

What others have said: yes. Yes, it's over.

I recommend, at least for a little while, spending your money on fine scotch whisky instead....

sek929 · Jan 17, 2011, 01:35 PM

I prefer gin for heartbreak.

Doofy · Jan 17, 2011, 02:03 PM

Pussies.

OreoCookie · Jan 17, 2011, 02:05 PM

Originally Posted by sek929

I prefer gin for heartbreak.

Gin is vile stuff. I prefer Tequila. Or Mai Tais.

sek929 · Jan 17, 2011, 02:09 PM

Ugh, Tequila and me don't get along so well anymore but I have maintained a good relationship with Bombay Sapphire .

Doofy · Jan 17, 2011, 02:15 PM

Of course, the other alternative is lots of Whitesnake.

Shaddim · Jan 17, 2011, 02:38 PM

Originally Posted by Doofy

Of course, the other alternative is lots of Whitesnake.

A young Tawny Kitaen spread out on the hood of a Jaguar. Nice.

Doofy · Jan 17, 2011, 02:46 PM

Originally Posted by Shaddim

A young Tawny Kitaen spread out on the hood of a Jaguar. Nice.

No, no, no - before that modern crap. Micky Moody/Bernie Marsden era is best for the breakup doldrums.

Tawny is teh cutie, but no use for the blues.

Shaddim · Jan 17, 2011, 03:27 PM

Originally Posted by Doofy

Tawny is teh cutie, but no use for the blues.

I wouldn't say that, back then she could help a guy shake a case of the blues.

brassplayersrock² · Jan 17, 2011, 03:34 PM

Originally Posted by Shaddim

I wouldn't say that, back then she could help a guy shake a set of the blues.

Fixed

Doofy · Jan 17, 2011, 03:45 PM

Originally Posted by Shaddim

I wouldn't say that, back then she could help a guy shake a case of the blues.

Hmmm. Good point.

Isshecomingback? · Jan 17, 2011, 03:49 PM

Well,

I'm feeling a bit better. The extreme bouts of anxiety and angst are slowing down, and I'm starting to get a better picture of all of this.

I know there are several things that will not work.

1. Begging/pleading
2. Using logic to bring her back
3. Calling her, contacting, trying to keep the relationship going.
4. trying to hold on to something thats no longer there.

I have to be the best me for me, not for her. Should she decide she wants me in her life, it will be up to me at that point. Every good memory from the last 3 years has been running non-stop through my mind, and if nothing else I have 3 years to cherish until I'm ready to move on.

Isshecomingback? · Jan 17, 2011, 03:53 PM

Originally Posted by ebuddy

What happened to this?

She "broke up with you", "pulled the trigger" and "ended things" and now she's back to wavering? I'm tellin' ya bra, you're competing against someone else. If you're okay with her dating to "figure things out" than so be it, just know what you're up against and while she's "figuring things out", you're "waiting on her to figure things out".

How long are you going to give it?

I'm not sure I'm going to give it anything. I've given enough, and if she needs time to figure all this out I'll be here up until I've found something else, which will happen when I'm ready.

Doofy · Jan 17, 2011, 04:00 PM

Originally Posted by Isshecomingback?

I've given enough, and if she needs time to figure all this out I'll be here up until I've found something else, which will happen when I'm ready.

There ya go. Whitesnake mode. You're in it.

I was born under a bad sign,
Left out in the cold
I'm a lonely man who knows
Just what it means to lose control

But, I took all the heartache
And turned it to shame,
Now I'm moving, moving on,
And I ain't taking the blame

Don't come running to me,
I know I've done all I can
A hard loving woman like you
Just makes a hard loving man

So I can say it to you, babe
I'll be a fool for your loving no more,
A fool for your loving no more
I'm so tired of trying, I always end up crying,
Fool for your loving no more
I'll be a fool for your loving no more

ShortcutToMoncton · Jan 17, 2011, 04:05 PM

Originally Posted by Isshecomingback?

Every good memory from the last 3 years has been running non-stop through my mind

fap?

Stogieman · Jan 17, 2011, 04:08 PM

Originally Posted by Big Mac

So the girl has Hep C and she was the one who broke it off? If you got away clean it sounds like you got a good deal.

This.

Hepatitis C... ya later.

sdilley14 · Jan 17, 2011, 05:06 PM

Originally Posted by Isshecomingback?

Well,

I'm feeling a bit better. The extreme bouts of anxiety and angst are slowing down, and I'm starting to get a better picture of all of this.

I know there are several things that will not work.

1. Begging/pleading
2. Using logic to bring her back
3. Calling her, contacting, trying to keep the relationship going.
4. trying to hold on to something thats no longer there.

I have to be the best me for me, not for her. Should she decide she wants me in her life, it will be up to me at that point. Every good memory from the last 3 years has been running non-stop through my mind, and if nothing else I have 3 years to cherish until I'm ready to move on.

THAT is the right attitude!

sdilley14 · Jan 17, 2011, 05:07 PM

Originally Posted by ShortcutToMoncton

fap?

Correct.