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When did you decide to move in with your significant other?
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sdilley14
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Jul 26, 2010, 11:54 AM
 
I'm curious to know, at what point did you decide it was the right decision to move in with your significant other?

A little bit of background...I'm 25 years old, I work full time, I live by myself, I support myself, and I've been doing so for about the last two years (had roommates previously). I've had a handful of long term relationships...I've had two or three relationships that lasted about a year or so. All of my previous relationships ended rather unpleasently (I guess that goes without saying), but I have managed to stay on civil, friendly terms with all my exs. I've been with my current girlfriend for about 9-10 months now. We met at the gym about a year ago, things started off well right from the get go, and it has naturally progressed to the point where moving in together is the next step. Its kinda "sh*t or get off the pot" time.

I'm alright with the idea of moving in together, but part of me is a bit hesitant. And it really has nothing to do with her. I've never lived with a girlfriend before and I'm fully aware of how much it can change the dynamic of a relationship. There's also part of me that sees moving in together as the next step towards permanency. Maybe I'm overanalyzing, but I see us moving in together as me saying that I want to be with her forever. Thats not to say I couldn't see that happening, but thats definitely not something I'm ready for. I think part of me is afraid that if we move in together, I'm getting myself into a sitaution I can't easily maneuver out of and I would be saying good-bye to the possibility of ever being with any other women. Not that I'm planning on hooking up with a bunch of other women...its just hard to come to terms with thought that that aspect of my life coming to a close. :/

From a financial standpoint it makes a lot of sense for us to do it. My lease is up in a couple weeks, my rent would go from $600/mo to $250/mo (she somehow snagged an awesome deal on a 2br apt a couple years ago), plus the cable and utility bills would be cut in half. But the last thing I want to do is move in with a girlfriend just because it can save us a few bucks. Its not the reason why I'm considering making the move, but it is another added incentive on top of the obvious reasons for doing it.

What do you think? Am I over-thinking it? Are there other things I should be considering? At what point was it right for YOU to make this decision?
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OreoCookie
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Jul 26, 2010, 12:08 PM
 
My advice: forget the monetary aspect. It's almost certainly more economic to share an apartment than to live on your own. And that's missing the point. Also, it's nothing you can fully prepare yourself for on a theoretical level (kinda like sex).

Trust your gut instinct: if it says `I want to, but I'm just a little chicken just like the time I jumped off the 5 m tower in the swimming pool for the first time.', I'd see that as an indication that you want to do it. Plus, you should be honest about it: if you have reservations, talk to her. This is also good training (immunization) against the fear that you get stuck in a situation that you don't want to be in, because the probability of that happening is lower when you talk about this stuff in advance.

Also, you're not married yet, take the `it should be for life' idea out of your head, that's an ideal at best, but not something you can answer after `studying your relationship long enough.' Instead ask yourself `Do I want to live with her now?' That's something you can answer. Or: `Can I imagine being with her ~3 years down the road?'
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Paco500
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Jul 26, 2010, 12:14 PM
 
I love my wife and kids very much and I would not consider changing things, but I sometimes wish I could have all that and my own place. I'm a pretty private person and really value time to myself which I now pretty much gone.

I would not give up my family to have it again, but if I were in your shoes, I'd keep my own place as long as possible.
     
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Jul 26, 2010, 12:25 PM
 
     
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Jul 26, 2010, 12:39 PM
 
Originally Posted by Paco500 View Post
I love my wife and kids very much and I would not consider changing things, but I sometimes wish I could have all that and my own place. I'm a pretty private person and really value time to myself which I now pretty much gone.

I would not give up my family to have it again, but if I were in your shoes, I'd keep my own place as long as possible.
On the other hand, and while I agree with Paco that you have NO TIME to yourself once you're in with someone else, if you plan on having a family (not even with this person, necessarily, who knows) then getting used to cohabitating with a more-than-friend is a good idea. Good training for the next phase of your life.

Plus, the economics are really important. Take what you save, every month, and stick it in a money market mutual fund or eventually something with more return. Don't let your lifestyle change just b/c you're moving in with someone. It's a terrific opportunity to start saving early.
     
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Jul 26, 2010, 12:47 PM
 
9-10 months and moving in is the next step? Shake that head son!

Like Paco I'm a pretty private person who enjoys being able to sit down in front of an audio system with a book for 3 solid hours, whenever I want to. And I'm probably on the mild end of OCD for having things done and in their place just the way I want them. Heaven help you if you load the dishwasher in an inefficient manner - I will **** you up.

So I waited until she could've legitimately left me on the grounds that I wouldn't marry her, and then married her. Now she's stuck with me. And we both can be sure that I will always load the dishwasher.

Think about it.

greg

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Jul 26, 2010, 01:16 PM
 
If you're hesitant now and you go through, it's gonna suck for you, to put it lightly.
     
The Final Dakar
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Jul 26, 2010, 01:21 PM
 
Jesus, that thread is a classic.

So, she must be married now (if all went to plan), right?

Coincidentally, another thread where Doofy gets into it with someone who previously "respected" him.
     
sdilley14  (op)
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Jul 26, 2010, 01:55 PM
 
Originally Posted by imitchellg5 View Post
If you're hesitant now and you go through, it's gonna suck for you, to put it lightly.
I may have phrased it incorrectly. I'm not really hesitant as mush as I am analytical. I just want to be sure I'm weighing all the pros and cons and that I'm making a logical, rational decision. Its a big decision that deserves a lot of consideration. I've seen far too many retarded couples just throw caution to the wind and jump deep into a relationship and move in together right away "because they're so in love and they NEED to be around each other"...only to watch it turn into a complete disaster 3-6 months down the road. THOSE, are the people who it really sucks for. The people who aren't in the least bit hestitant, the one's who "know" its what they want because "this one is different" and blah blah blah. I just try to gather as many opinions as I can and listen to the experiences of people who have come before me before I make such a major decision.
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andi*pandi
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Jul 26, 2010, 02:28 PM
 
It was a few years, and after a commitment. I didn't want to move in if we were going to break up. It is a risk, breaking up when you live together is 2x more difficult.
     
Shaddim
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Jul 26, 2010, 02:31 PM
 
My girlfriend walked up to me and said, "I'm moving in with you". I replied, "Ok". She then said, "and my girlfriend is staying for a while". I blinked, then replied, "Ok".

Wow, it's been over 6 years and they haven't driven me completely insane (yet).
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Jul 26, 2010, 02:46 PM
 
Originally Posted by The Final Dakar View Post
Jesus, that thread is a classic.

So, she must be married now (if all went to plan), right?
Yeah! Awesome. Has she been heard from lately? I'd love to know how that one turn(ed)(s) out....

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Jul 26, 2010, 03:07 PM
 
Originally Posted by The Final Dakar View Post
Jesus, that thread is a classic.

So, she must be married now (if all went to plan), right?

Coincidentally, another thread where Doofy gets into it with someone who previously "respected" him.

It also looks like he is banned now for some period of time...
     
sdilley14  (op)
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Jul 26, 2010, 03:28 PM
 
Originally Posted by andi*pandi View Post
It was a few years, and after a commitment. I didn't want to move in if we were going to break up. It is a risk, breaking up when you live together is 2x more difficult.
Really? I always thought of it the other way around. I would be afraid to commit to someone then move in with them and find out that we just can't function living together. Living together can potentially change a lot about a relationship...wouldn't you want to know you can stand each other living in the same place before you commit to them?
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TheoCryst
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Jul 26, 2010, 03:39 PM
 
There are varying levels of commitment. I'm all for cohabitation before marriage, but not unless you've been together for a long time and see marriage as increasingly likely.

EDIT: And no, I've never lived with a significant other before. I came close in college once, but I'm glad we decided against it.

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Jul 26, 2010, 03:51 PM
 
Originally Posted by sdilley14 View Post
I'm curious to know, at what point did you decide it was the right decision to move in with your significant other?
Too soon, that’s when! We hadn’t spent nearly enough time dating apart with frequent visits. First we did long-distance for over 6 months, then he moved in with me.
     
sdilley14  (op)
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Jul 26, 2010, 04:48 PM
 
Originally Posted by TheoCryst View Post
There are varying levels of commitment. I'm all for cohabitation before marriage, but not unless you've been together for a long time and see marriage as increasingly likely.
Perfectly put. Thats exactly what my train of thought has always been.
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Jul 26, 2010, 06:00 PM
 
Marriage.
     
sdilley14  (op)
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Jul 26, 2010, 06:37 PM
 
So get married, then move in together? Seems like a huge risk to me. You wouldn't want to see what it is like sharing your bed and your living space on a daily basis with someone before you decide if thats a person you can really stand being with for the rest of your life?
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Jul 26, 2010, 07:18 PM
 
Ann Landers always said no living together before marriage.
     
TheoCryst
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Jul 26, 2010, 08:32 PM
 
Citation needed.

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Jul 26, 2010, 09:43 PM
 
Originally Posted by sdilley14 View Post
So get married, then move in together? Seems like a huge risk to me. You wouldn't want to see what it is like sharing your bed and your living space on a daily basis with someone before you decide if thats a person you can really stand being with for the rest of your life?
Hey, you asked me. "When did you decide to move in with your significant other?" (bolded for emphasis).

That's what it took for me. Obviously before you marry someone you get to know them first. People seem to think those that wait for marriage hardly know their future spouses. The opposite is quite true. I bet I talked more with my wife before we got married than everyone I knew who lived with their [multiple] partners did while they were living with them. I had dozens of girlfriends before I met my wife and I knew pretty quickly just by talking to them that I didn't want to be be "sharing [my] bed and [my] living space on a daily basis" with them.

Our marriage couldn't be better. We are with each other almost 24 hours a day as our work is intermingled with our lives. Over 12 years and going strong.

The secret to any marriage is communication and sacrifice.
     
imitchellg5
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Jul 26, 2010, 09:54 PM
 
Originally Posted by sdilley14 View Post
So get married, then move in together? Seems like a huge risk to me. You wouldn't want to see what it is like sharing your bed and your living space on a daily basis with someone before you decide if thats a person you can really stand being with for the rest of your life?
If you're not going to be able to stand being with them, why are you with them in the first place? And if it's over something trivial, then maybe the relationship wasn't meant to be from the beginning.
     
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Jul 27, 2010, 12:38 AM
 
Originally Posted by Railroader View Post
The secret to any marriage is communication and sacrifice.
It's true. It's very important to talk about who is buying the goat for the midnight sacrifice.

But really, I've never been a fan of the "it's the next step" mentality. Life isn't about doing things in a particular order (dating--moving in--marriage--house--babies--suburbs--etc). Do what you want to do. Look at the pros/cons of moving in together, without focusing on the fact that it's what is expected in "this stage" of your relationship. I've lived with a couple significant others, and it's been great. But I knew it would be beforehand. Maybe wait until you can say the same.

Also, I wish I was paying $250 in rent.
     
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Jul 27, 2010, 07:39 AM
 
I wound up with the right person very early on. We've been married for over 30 years now, and I can endorse Railroader's statement without hesitation-"The secret to any marriage is communication and sacrifice." Communication being the more important part by far. But "sacrifice" means things like "grow the heck up and think about someone else's feelings," and "doesn't love mean putting someone else and their needs and wants ahead of yourself?" In other words, the biggest thing you sacrifice is being a selfish and egotistical jerk. Not a bad thing to lose, eh?

I wish I could spend all day, every day with my wife, but our professions don't mesh very well at the moment. So instead, we treasure the time we do get to spend together.

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Jul 27, 2010, 08:11 AM
 
Originally Posted by Railroader View Post
Marriage.
Getting a divorce after moving in together is twice as difficult.

But seriously, less than one year and "shit or get off the pot" is not a fair conundrum to be in. You should have the option to continue your relationship while living apart for another 36 months at least, even if that means spending $12000 more in rent, bills, etc, each of you.

Being 25, single and houseless in mid 2010 means that you should be getting a house/condo as a residence and investment, without participation of a less-than-a-year-old girlfriend. If she ends up living with you in a house you own, breakup is easier than than when you both have equal living rights.
( Last edited by The Godfather; Jul 27, 2010 at 08:28 AM. )
     
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Jul 27, 2010, 08:52 AM
 
Originally Posted by sdilley14 View Post
.I'm 25 years old,

I've been with my current girlfriend for about 9-10 months now.

it has naturally progressed to the point where moving in together is the next step. Its kinda "sh*t or get off the pot" time.
No, it hasn't and its not.

If 10 months in your mind equates to a serious enough relationship that living together is the next step then you have no idea what you are doing. If you feel lonely in your place then get a pet. Moving in with a chick you barely know, and yes 10 months is barely in the grand scheme of things, is a terrible idea.

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Jul 27, 2010, 09:36 AM
 
Whatever feels right. When it does, you'll know.

Fact that you're worrying tells me it's not the right time.
     
andi*pandi
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Jul 27, 2010, 09:46 AM
 
10 months isn't necessarily too soon. My folks met and got married within 4 months. They've been together for 43 years now.
     
torsoboy
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Jul 27, 2010, 09:53 AM
 
As with Railroader, my wife and I moved in together when we got married. We've been happily married for 9 years now. That's not to say that we took things slow though... we met and were married within 7 months. If it feels right, there's no reason to wait. On the flip side of that, there's no reason to rush things if you are unsure.
     
sdilley14  (op)
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Jul 27, 2010, 10:29 AM
 
I think we're making a mountain out of a mole hill a little bit. I'm not worried, scared, thinking that its a bad idea but feeling forced into it because "its the next step". I'm simply looking to gather other's experiences to compare it with my own situation. I wouldn't be considering doing this at all if I wasn't all but certain that it would be a great move to make and it would make both our lives that much better. I just want to get opinions and see how others have approached this before I jump in, thats all. I really don't have any good friends to talk about this stuff with because they all seem to have lost their friggin minds when it comes to this stuff (I won't go into details, it's just ridiculous :/ ).

And I think its a stretch to say that we're "strangers" after knowing each other for a year and dating for 10 months. We've spent, on average, probably six days and/or nights together every single week for the last ten months and things have been great. Sure, you don't know someone as well as you would if you knew them for 5-10 years and lived together for that long, but saying we're strangers is a bit of a stretch.

And this has nothing to do with being lonely or wanting to save money. I made a point earlier to say that saving money was just an added incentive on top of this and it wasn't a driving factor. And as far as being lonely...thats just not the case. I actually enjoy having my time at night by myself, the hour or two I get when I get home from her place before I go to bed. That's one thing I'm going to miss, that time to myself...but thats all part of the sacrifice aspect of the relationship I suppose. Though it is a two bedroom apartment with lots of space, using the second bedroom as a computer/exercise room. I'll be able to sit in there by myself for an hour or two whenever and read/lift weights/mess around on the computer/watch baseball games, etc. without getting hassled. She doesn't need me sitting right next to her holding her every second we're together, which I really like.
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The Final Dakar
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Jul 27, 2010, 10:33 AM
 
Originally Posted by sdilley14 View Post
I think we're making a mountain out of a mole hill a little bit.
You do realize this is the internet, right?
     
sdilley14  (op)
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Jul 27, 2010, 10:53 AM
 
Originally Posted by The Final Dakar View Post
You do realize this is the internet, right?

Very good point.
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Jul 27, 2010, 10:55 AM
 
Originally Posted by Shaddim View Post
My girlfriend walked up to me and said, "I'm moving in with you". I replied, "Ok". She then said, "and my girlfriend is staying for a while". I blinked, then replied, "Ok".
More perverted people than I would demand pictures or video. But stuff like that never even crosses my mind.

Originally Posted by Shaddim View Post
Wow, it's been over 6 years and they haven't driven me completely insane (yet).
Proof that you are in fact insane.
     
Shaddim
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Jul 27, 2010, 01:19 PM
 
Originally Posted by andi*pandi View Post
10 months isn't necessarily too soon. My folks met and got married within 4 months. They've been together for 43 years now.
It's the same for us, we dated for 3-4 months before moving in together. Now it's been six years and things are only getting better. How that happened, though, is a mystery to everyone.

Originally Posted by mattyb View Post
Proof that you are in fact insane.
Maybe, but strong spiritual ties and few financial worries make for less friction. I'm a realist, I know why most relationships breakup or grow apart.
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