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Jokes about our nations. (Page 2)
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Timo
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Feb 21, 2003, 06:17 PM
 
One of the better ways to make ethnic jokes is to make them about you're own ethnicity (a la Mas above).

So, here's a real groaner:

In northern Minnesota lies a region called the Iron Range, dotted with little towns and really deep mining pits. Anyhoo, one day there's a devestating fire raging in one of these little remote towns which completely overwhelms the locals, so they sent for help.

The first group to arrive was an Italian fire company. They took one look at the inferno and shook their heads.

The second group to arrive was a bunch of Swedes. They quickly drew the same conclusion when...

...coming down the hill, full speed, a fire company of Finns barrelled straight into the maelstrom! These hardy brutes jumped out and worked their heads of,f beating back the flames and -- finally -- putting out the fire.

The town was so grateful they voted the fire company a $500 bonus. The mayor turned to Urho, the fire chief, and asked, "Urho, what are you going to do with the money?"

"We buy brakes for fire engine."
     
Paco500
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Feb 21, 2003, 06:19 PM
 
Originally posted by Mastrap:
Ok. Peace. I apologise. And I mean it, I am sorry. I didn't mean to affend you, I didn't mean to belittle you.

I guess the double standards on this board just got to me. Not that that's your fault. It just seemed to me that it's ok to laugh about one thing and not about the other, both perfectly targic in their own right.
Great- now you go all humble and mature and make my perfectly reasonable position look like a maniacal rant.

Curse you.

But i'll let it slide. Peace is good.
     
Timo
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Feb 21, 2003, 06:21 PM
 
What? No applause?
     
boots
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Feb 21, 2003, 06:23 PM
 
Originally posted by Timo:
What? No applause?
Still laughing too hard. I've heard it before, but its still funny. I'm moving to MN this summer, so I'm trying to bone up on my Olie jokes...any of these would be welcome too.

If Heaven has a dress code, I'm walkin to Hell in my Tony Lamas.
     
Logic  (op)
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Feb 21, 2003, 06:25 PM
 
Originally posted by Timo:
What? No applause?
:applause:

"If Bush says we hate freedom, let him tell us why we didn't attack Sweden, for example. OBL 29th oct
     
hayesk
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Feb 21, 2003, 06:35 PM
 
If Canada had a navy, I'm sure we'd have finished off their dinghy pretty rapidly.
[/B]
As a proud Canadian, I have to say

People sometimes take these jokes way too seriously. Insecurity, I guess.

There's a Canadian comedian named John Wing. His parents are from the USA but he says he was born in Canada while his dad was "stationed" here during the Vietnam War. His comments on our Navy:

"The West Edmonton Mall has three submarines... for the kids to ride in. The Canadian navy has two submarines... [laughter]... for the kids to ride in."

That said, our military is pathetically small but I would match the competency of each individual soldier those in any other country any day.
     
thunderous_funker
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Feb 21, 2003, 06:54 PM
 
Originally posted by Timo:
What? No applause?
I spit my coffee all over my monitor, you bastard

I spent some time in the northern US and quickly discovered that North Dakotans are the favorite brunt of jokes in the region. Something to do with state rivalries and the unlikely prospect of actually meeting a North Dakotan that would take offense, thereby identifying themselves as being from there

At any rate, here's a few:

Did you hear about the guy in Bismark with the Midas touch?
Everything he touches turns into a muffler.

Newsflash: A horrible fire destroyed the central library at the University of North Dakota. It burned both books. It was especially tragic because one of the books hadn't even been colored in yet.

In a recent scuffle between Montana and North Dakota, fighting got very intense. North Dakotans would throw sticks of dynamite at the Montanans. The Montanans would like them and throw them back.

Did you hear about the North Dakotan who tried ice fishing?
He brough home a 200lbs block of ice, his wife tried to fry it and they both drowned.

Did you hear about the North Dakotan who was found stabbed 40 times in the head?
Apparently he was trying to eat with a fork.

Then there's the case of the North Dakotan who bought a bottle of aftershave, went home and was later found slapped to death in his bathroom.
"There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die." -- Hunter S. Thompson
     
cjrivera
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Feb 21, 2003, 07:02 PM
 
Originally posted by Logic:
I was infact trying to have a thread where we could make jokes(though this was perhaps over the line) without everyone going nuts about it. I only mentioned the french surrender jokes because of the replies I got because of my "distasteful" little pic. In this thread I've said nothing about the french surrender jokes, even if I don't like them. But I feel it is unfair that when I post that pic, I get all bashed up by people here. I have said what I think about the french surrender jokes in other threads because there I find them distasteful, just as I would never post that pic in a thread about 911. I hope I've explained my POV enough.

I'm sorry if I hurt peoples feelings. That was not my intention.
I think the flak you got was because the joke was directed at a small group of casualties, not at a nation - as stated in the title of the forum. I think American jokes (fat, lazy, war-mongering, etc.) would not have raised a protest.

If I were to post jokes about dead French soldiers, that would likely meet as much flak as you got.

(I'm not criticizing... just a possible explanation)
     
CRASH HARDDRIVE
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Feb 21, 2003, 07:03 PM
 
I thought this was pretty funny:

Arkansas Residency Application
Please fill in the following:

Name:_____________________________________________ ______________

Nickname:___________________________

CB Handle:___________________

Address (RFD):____________________________________________ ________

Daddy (if unknown affix list of 3 suspects):_______________________________

Neck size:____

( ) Light Red

( ) Medium Red

( ) Dark Red

( ) Other

Number of teeth exposed in full grin:____Upper:_____ Lower:____

Make of Pickup:_________________________

Tire Size:______________

Hounds:_____________

Type:

( ) Blue Tick

( ) Beagle

( ) Black and Tan

Length of right leg:__________

Length of left leg:__________

other:_________

How many cars/makes in front yard? ______________________________

How many on blocks? _____________________________________________

How many kitchen appliances on front porch? ___________________

Back porch?___________

When and where was your last "Elvis" sighting? _______________________________________

Do you wear mostly polyester pants with snags?

( ) Yes ( ) No

Are you married to any of the following?(circle all that apply)

-Sister

-Cousin

-Cousin's Sister

-Other, Explain:__________________________________________ _______

Have you EVER had more than one bath a week?

( ) No ( ) Yes, Explain:_________________________________________



Medical Information



Do you have at least two (2) of the following:

( ) B.O.

( ) Lice

( ) Crabs

( ) Bad Breath

( ) Hoof in Mouth

( ) Scabs

( ) Fleas

( ) Infected Tattoos

( ) Crossed eyes

( ) Runny Nose

( ) Green Teeth

( ) Yellow Teeth

( ) Any Teeth

( ) Speach Impediment



General Information



Can you count past 20 without stripping?

( ) yes ( ) no( ) never tried



Favorite Weapon:

( ) Tire Iron

( ) Pick Handle

( ) Log Chain

( ) Shotgun



Favorite Pastime:

( ) Drinkin'

( ) Coon Huntin'

( ) Fishin'

( ) Fuedin'

( ) Other



Truck equipped with:

( ) Gun Rack

( ) Fuzzbuster

( ) 8-Track

( ) Rebel Flag

( ) Roll Bar

( ) C.B. Radio

( ) Beer Cans

( ) Squirrel Tail

( ) Bull Horns



Favorite Vocalist:

( ) Elvis (the young Elvis)

( ) Elvis (the old Elvis)

( ) Elvis (dead)



Cap Emblems:

( ) John Deere

( ) CAT

( ) SKOAL

( ) Budweiser

( ) Bud Dry

( ) Jack Daniels

( ) Teamsters local



Memberships:

( ) NRA

( ) VFW

( ) KKK

( ) 700 Club

( ) B.P.O.E.

( ) Sine-aid Society



Do you vote?

( ) Yes( ) No ( ) What's that?



Have you ever been in jail?

( ) Yes( ) No ( ) Born there



Date:____________

Your Signature (one X will do): _______________________




Since Logic brought Bin Laden into this:

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead Bin Laden in the middle of the road?

A: There are tire skid marks in front of the skunk.
     
Logic  (op)
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Feb 21, 2003, 07:40 PM
 
It's likelly you all heard this one before, but I'll post it anyway:

THE CANDIDATES

Ralph Nader, Al Gore and George W. Bush went to a fitness spa for some
fun (if you will believe Ralph Nader ever has fun) and relaxation (if
you believe Al Gore ever relaxes).

After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men's
room and found a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance who said,
"Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to check out our newest
feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful,
you will be awarded a wish. Be warned, if you say something false, you
will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for
eternity!"

All three men, being presidential candidates, toy with danger and
quickly enter the men's room and find the mirror hanging on the wall.

Ralph Nader walked up to it and said, "I think I'm the most truthful of
us three" and in an instant he was surrounded by a pile of money, which
I suppose he invested in tech stocks.

Albert Gore stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most ambitious of us
three" and he suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in his hands,
which he liked because it looked better than Clinton's car.

Excited over the possibility of having his wish come true, George W.
Bush looked into the mirror and said, "I think --", and was promptly
sucked into the mirror.

"If Bush says we hate freedom, let him tell us why we didn't attack Sweden, for example. OBL 29th oct
     
thunderous_funker
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Feb 21, 2003, 07:44 PM
 
CRASH and Logic,

:applause:

Good stuff, guys!!

Nothing like good jokes to make a boring Friday afternoon at work go a little easier
"There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die." -- Hunter S. Thompson
     
D'Espice
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Feb 22, 2003, 09:40 AM
 
There is one good thing about being multinational: I can make jokes of a lot of countries, so here we go


America














Germany

What's the difference between a British, a French and a German senior citizen? The British gets up,has tea and enjoys the day by playing golf. The French gets up, has some wine and enjoys the day by playing Boules. The German gets up, takes his heart-medicine and goes to work.

Somebody here in Germany recently compared George W. Bush to Adolf Hitler. Now that is total bullsh*t, when did Bush ever build an Autobahn?


Austria

90% of all Austrians recently declared that they don't believe the Yeti exists and therefore Reinhold Messner was wrong.
95% of all the Yetis recently declared that they don't believe in Reinhold Messner.


Poland
Visit Poland, your car's already here.

Where does the triathlon originally come from? Poland: walking to the lake and returning on a bike.
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one
pretty and well preserved piece, but to skid across the line broadside,
thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, shouting GERONIMO!"
     
boots
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Feb 22, 2003, 10:00 AM
 
A man is walking through the mall with his teen-age son. The son is tossing a quarter up in the air and catching it between his teeth. On one such attempt, the boy fails to clamp down with his teeth and ends up getting the quarter lodged in his throat. As the boy begins to choke and wheeze the father panicks and starts yelling for help.
Not to far from the action is a man sitting at a coffee shop reading a paper and drinking his coffee, when he hears the fathers distressed cries he patiently puts down his coffee and folds his paper, he then walks slowly over to the boy and grabs him by the balls and squeezes the sh!t out of them. The boy coughs up the quarter and the man catches it in his hand and proceeds to walk away with it, sitting back down to his coffee. The amazed father runs over and says "Thank You Sir, you saved my son's life, are you a Doctor?"
"No" the man replies, "I work for the IRS."

If Heaven has a dress code, I'm walkin to Hell in my Tony Lamas.
     
Mastrap
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Feb 22, 2003, 10:11 AM
 
How Morris Made His Fortune

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

Morris, the old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

So I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated the sum of $1.60.....

Then my wife's uncle Bernie died and left us two million dollars."
     
finboy
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Feb 22, 2003, 02:00 PM
 
Originally posted by CRASH HARDDRIVE:
I thought this was pretty funny:


Memberships:

( ) NRA

( ) VFW

( ) KKK

( ) 700 Club


If I posted a residency application for South Central Los Angeles that had favorite foods of "fried chicken" and "watermelon" on a checklist, that would be racist. Very racist.

This is racist too.

Also, the VFW stands for "Veterans of Foreign Wars" and "NRA" is the National Rifle Association, and neither should be in the same list with KKK. 700 Club is a religious organization (as is the KKK) so maybe you can leave it there.

I know, I know -- it's in jest. But comparing VFW to KKK is not EVEN funny, not with protestors in the streets.
     
Timo
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Feb 23, 2003, 10:54 AM
 
Back to the jokes, my brother sent me one:

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked
to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the
boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some *******
wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him so he added, "and this
gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way
you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think
on their feet here. Where are you from anyway, son?"

"Canada, sir." the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up
there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No ****? Who did she play for?"
     
sambeau
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Feb 23, 2003, 11:40 AM
 
Originally posted by CRASH HARDDRIVE:
Length of right leg:__________

Length of left leg:__________

other:_________

     
noliv
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Feb 23, 2003, 04:52 PM
 
- Do you know why the french like jokes about the belgians?

- Because they laugh 3 times for each joke:
The first time when you tell them the joke
The second time when you explain them the joke
The third time when they understand the joke!
( Last edited by noliv; Mar 15, 2003 at 07:04 AM. )
-noliv
     
D'Espice
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Feb 23, 2003, 05:08 PM
 
Oh boy, I really love that Arkansas Residency Application and I remembered having something similar for Australia, so here we go:

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one
pretty and well preserved piece, but to skid across the line broadside,
thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, shouting GERONIMO!"
     
CRASH HARDDRIVE
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Feb 23, 2003, 05:13 PM
 
Originally posted by finboy:
If I posted a residency application for South Central Los Angeles that had favorite foods of "fried chicken" and "watermelon" on a checklist, that would be racist. Very racist.

This is racist too.

Also, the VFW stands for "Veterans of Foreign Wars" and "NRA" is the National Rifle Association, and neither should be in the same list with KKK. 700 Club is a religious organization (as is the KKK) so maybe you can leave it there.

I know, I know -- it's in jest. But comparing VFW to KKK is not EVEN funny, not with protestors in the streets.
In bad taste? Sure.

But racist? Come off it.

It's not my joke, I just thought it was funny overall. I didn't really feel the need to edit the joke myself for 'offensive' content. Sounds a little overly P.C. to me. That works both ways ya know. And the idea was- (as you said) in jest.
     
finboy
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Feb 23, 2003, 05:22 PM
 
Originally posted by CRASH HARDDRIVE:
In bad taste? Sure.

But racist? Come off it.

It's not my joke, I just thought it was funny overall. I didn't really feel the need to edit the joke myself for 'offensive' content. Sounds a little overly P.C. to me. That works both ways ya know. And the idea was- (as you said) in jest.
Granted. Plus, the Australian one is really funny. So you're off the hook.
     
D'Espice
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Feb 23, 2003, 05:25 PM
 
I think I've seen one for Germany too, don't know where it was though. I'll look for it, it was really funny, as was the one for France that I also don't know where to find.
"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one
pretty and well preserved piece, but to skid across the line broadside,
thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, shouting GERONIMO!"
     
3gg3
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Feb 25, 2003, 01:46 PM
 
Jokes I learned in Belgium:

Q. How do you know you're flying over Holland?
A. When you see toilet paper hanging on the clothesline.

Hear about the International Potluck supper? The German brought bratwurst, the Frenchman brought wine, the Brit brought roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, the Italian brought gelato, the Spaniard brought paella, the Belgique brought beer, the Dutchman brought his brother......
(I guess the Yanks, Canucks and ozzies weren't invited

Belgique word for tents: Dutch hotels.
     
Mithras
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Mar 11, 2003, 03:18 PM
 
Originally posted by 3gg3:
Jokes I learned in Belgium:
I guess the Dutch are cheap, huh?
     
Beewee
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Mar 11, 2003, 03:51 PM
 
Originally posted by Zimphire:

I heard that 10 years ago, and it was the other way around.

Canadians have no really right to make fun of the US Navy.

If you really want a test, lets put both our armed forces in a battle and see who comes out on top.
Why would anyone get into a war with Canada?

Here's a good joke I heard about US.

USA vs France
A gum-chewing American and a Frenchman are sitting together in a
restaurant. The American feel really proud to be an American, so he
starts a conversation.

He asks the Frenchman, "When you eat bread, do you eat all of it?"

"Mais oui!, of course!" responds the Frenchman.

"Well," says the American, "we only eat the soft part of it. The rest we collect in containers, take to a factory and put through a mill. What comes out are little breads that we sell in France.

"And what about steaks?" he continues. "Do you eat all parts of them?"

"Bien sur! We do," replies the Frenchman.

"You don`t say!" says the America, grinning. "We don`t! We only eat the meaty part of the steak. The greasy part we collect in containers, take to a factory, put through a mill, and what comes out are little steaks that we sell in France."

Now the Frenchman is really riled. So he asks, "And what do Americans
do with their used condoms?"

"Hey, we throw them away of course," says the American.

"Ha!" exclaims the Frenchman. "We collect them in containers, take them to a factory and put them through a mill. What comes out is chewing gum that we sell in America!"
     
andreas_g4
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Mar 14, 2003, 10:53 AM
 
When a Frenchman meets a frog and a German woman on the street, what would he rather take home?

The frog, because he had to shave the legs of the german woman first.
     
Speckledstone
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Mar 14, 2003, 12:35 PM
 
Originally posted by SimeyTheLimey:
"...Speaking of interservice rivalry, have you ever heard Navy guys talking about the Coast Guard? It's all stuff about boats with wheels on the bottom, and how to join the Coast Guard you have to be over 6 feet tall. That's so you can walk to shore if you sink. "
Oh come on now Simey, you know some better jokes than those.
Although, I guess its not as much fun now that you can simply look the jokes up on the internet. Anyway, here are two of my favorites (of the 'clean' variety):

-An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"
The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."
So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.
Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.
One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

-A Soldier is relieving himself in the head when a Marine walks in and steps up to the urinal beside him.
After a few seconds the Soldier finishes, shakes, zips and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. The Marine also finishes, zips-up, and walks to the door.
Just then the Soldier says, "Hey Marine! When I was in basic training, they taught us to wash our hands when we finished!"
The Marine looks at the Soldier and says, "When I was in boot camp, they told me not to piss on my hands."
     
 
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