[awaspaas]

North Dakota's worst air disaster in history occurred today when a Cessna 152, a small two-passenger plane, crashed into the Norwegian Lutheran Cemetery here early this morning.

Ole and Sven, working as a Search and Rescue team, have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

[maxelson]

Sven and Ole are out fishing and not having too much luck, I gotta tell ya. So's they move to another spot in the river and whooooeee, dem fish was dere practically jumpin' into da boat. So Sven says, "Ole", he says, "we gotta remember di spot, but oh, ya jeez, how we gonna do it?"
So Ole says "Well Sven, ya goat, dat's no real problem, we'll just make an X here on da bottom of da boat!"
"Jeez", says Sven," Ole, you an idiot! It's a rented boat! How we gonna make sure we get da same one next time?"

[maxelson]

Ole and Lena sitting in da livin' room dere on dey're anniversary and Lena looks at Ole and den suddenly punches him in da arm.
"Dat's for 20 years of bad sex!"
Ole tinks fer a second and den slaps her across da maw and says. "Dat's fer knowin' da difference!"

[maxelson]

So Ole, Lena, Sven, & Lars walk into a bar. The bartender looks them over & says "What is this, a joke?"

[maxelson]

Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was.
Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm.
When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"
Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her gray curls on the pillow.
"Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole.
He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time, ya know."

[awaspaas]

A boss was interviewing men for a job when along came Ole Olson. The boss thought, "I'm not hiring that dumb Norwegian!" So he decided to set a test for Ole, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

So Ole says, "dat's easy! and proceeds to draw three trees".

The boss says, "What the heck is that?" Ole says, "tree, and tree, and tree makes nine".

"Fair enough", says the boss. "Second question, same rules, but represent 99."

Ole stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir", he says.

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Ole says, "Each tree's dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree, dat's 99".

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire him, so he says, "All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

Ole stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got It!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir, 100."

"Go on Ole, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred", says the boss.

Ole leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and poops by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.

When do I start da job??"

(Funny thing is, most of my relatives actually talk like this!)

[maxelson]

OLE DIED, and Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. After offering his condolences the gentleman at the counter asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
_ _ __ Lena answered, "You just put 'Ole died' there."
_ _ __ The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died'? Why, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If its money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more."
_ _ __ So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "All right. 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"

[maxelson]

I can't believe no one else is getting in on this... yacking Iraq or something...

OLE LAY sprawled across three seats in the posh theater. The usher took note of this and whispered, "Pardon, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
_ _ __ Ole groaned, but didn't budge. The usher wasn't going to let things pass. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager," he growled.
_ _ __ Ole just groaned some more. The usher trotted up the aisle, and came right back with the manager. Still, they couldn't get Ole to pull himself together, so they called the cops.
_ _ __ "All right buddy, what's your name?" one cop demanded.
_ _ __ "Ole."
_ _ __ "From where, Ole?"
_ _ __ "The balcony."

[maxelson]

SVEN WAS hired to paint the yellow stripe down the highway. His first day he painted ten miles. The second day he only painted five.
His boss, thinking that he was getting slower because he had started off too hard on the first day, decided to give him a day off to rest. But when Sven came back to work the next day, he only painted half a mile.
So his boss asked, "Excuse me, but why have you been painting less and less each day, even after I gave you a day off?"
"Well, " Sven answered. "I've been getting farther away from the paint can!"

[maxelson]

ONE PARTICULAR Sunday Ole was lying back in the hammock and having just returned from church with Lena he was feeling a little religious.
"God," said Ole, "when you made Lena, why did you make her so nice and round and so pleasant to hold?"
Suddenly a voice from above said, "So you would love her, Ole."
"Well then, why," asked Ole, "why did you make her so stupid?"
"So that she would love you," said the voice.

[maxelson]

Sven and Ole was out hunting and dey decided to make an outhouse trip before dey went out to da woods.
Sven, who was politely waiting outside heard Ole yell!
"Jeez, hey vat's wrong in dere, Ole?"
Ole opened the door- "I just dropped fifty cents down da hole, dere."
Ole then reached into his pocket pulled out his wallet, his glasses and his watch and threw them in.
"Ho, Jeez, dere, Ole! WHat ya go and do a crazy ting like dat fer?"
"Uff da. Well I ain't goin down dere fer just fifty cents, ya know..."

[maxelson]

OLE WAS driving a wagonload of wheat to town when a wheel was caught in the ditch and overturned. Sven saw it and came out to inspect a little.
_ _ __ "Hey, Ole," he called out. "I'll help you turn the wagon back over and fill it up again. But I'm about to eat dinner. Why don't you come and have dinner with me? Then we'll go to work."
_ _ __ "Thank you, Sven," Ole answered, "but I don't think Lena would like me to."
_ _ __ "Oh, come on!" Sven insisted.
_ _ __ "OK," Ole finally agreed, "but Lena won't like it."
_ _ __ After a hearty dinner, Ole thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Lena's going to be upset," he said.
_ _ __ "Don't worry so much," said Sven. "By the way, where is she?"
_ _ __ "Under the wagon," said Ole.

[olePigeon]

No relation.

[boots]

Ole is on his deathbed, and he calls out:
"Lena, you in here?"
"Yes, Ole, I'm here in the room."
"Are da kids here?"
"Ya, Ole, the kids are right here too."
"Are the rest of the relative here?"
"Ya, Ole, the rest of the relatives is all right here too."
"Den why is the light in the kitchen still on?"

[Timo]

This thread ROCKS.

[maxelson]

Ole come home to find his dear wife of tirty five years dead, dead on the living room floor. He called 911 and was told that an ambulance would be right there
Operator: May we have your address, sir?
Ole: Two tirty Five Eucalyptus.
Operator: would you spell that, please?
Pause.
.
.
.
Ole: Tell ya what. Why don't I drag her over to Oak St. and you can pick her up dere?

[boots]

Ole and Sven are the most skilled pilots in MN. One day they were trying to land in Rochester when Ole, says "Boy, dat sure is a short runway down der."
"You betcha," confirmed Sven. Undaunted, Ole come in to the approach and slams on the breaks when they hit the runway. Right at the very edge, they stop.

"Dat's gotta be da shortest runway we've ever landed on, Sven."
Sven looks out the window and says "sure is, Ole. But it sure is wide."

[maxelson]

Sven and Ole are sitting in the boat fishing, and nothing much is biting, and the conversation chances onto the topic of birth control, and so Sven says to Ole, "What do you and Lena do for birth control?". And Ole says "Oh we use the condom and ice cube method". And Sven says "I've never heard of that Ole, how's it work?" and Ole says "Oh, well, when I go to put the condom on, I put a couple of those little ice cubes in first." And Sven says "Yimminy Ole, isn't that awfully cold?" And Ole says "Yah sure it is Sven, but it really helps keep the swelling down."

[maxelson]

A non-churchgoer, Ole was finally prevailed upon by his friends and family to read the Bible. Asked sometime thereafter what he thought of the Scriptures, Ole scratched his head and muttered: "Vell, I don't know. De Bible for sure says a lot about St. Paul, but it don't say nuttin' about Minneapolis!"

[maxelson]

Ole was migrating to the US, via ship. While crossing the North Sea during extremely rough weather, Ole is hanging over the rail, vomiting violently. A sailor came by and asked, "What's wrong, Ole, a weak stomach?" Ole replied, "No, I don't tink so, I'm puking yust about as far as anyone else"

Thanks, you've been a great audience. I'll be here all week.

[boots]

As you can probably tell, I'm new to the Ole/Lena/Sven phenomenon. This whole thread is priceless.

[awaspaas]

Holy cow max, how long have you been saving all of those up?? I better dig for some more!

[awaspaas]

One of my favorites:

Ole comes home to the apartment from work one day, and Lena can tell he's frustrated. She says "Ole, whas wrong?"

"Oh, Lena - I yust can't stand da building's new yanitor! He's bragging dat he's had an affair wit every woman in dis building except fer one!"

Lena tinks for second and says "Hmm... must be dat snooty Mrs. Peterson down da hall."

[Timo]

Originally posted by awaspaas:
Holy cow max, how long have you been saving all of those up?? I better dig for some more!

Yeah, who knew he'd waited patiently for 5800 posts before Unleashing the Motherlode...

[finboy]

In the back woods of Minnisota, Sven's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, Sven you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Sven!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's another one to come yet." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a girl.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one!" cried the doctor.

Then Sven scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor:

"Do ja tink it's da light that's attractin' them?"

[funkboy]

I'm just glad to be nominated.

But usually we in ND make the jokes about Minnesotans, or just Norweigans in general... just so you know

My contribution:

Ole had to go to the bathroom in the outhouse one day, and as he was pulling back up his pants, he dropped a quarter into the hole.
He immediately walked into the house, grabbed his wallet, and went back to the outhouse. Lena saw this unfold, and was confused, so she walked over to the outhouse just in time to see Ole throw his wallet down the hole.

"Ole! What are you doing?!" Lena asked.

Ole replied, "Well, you don't think I'm going to go down there for just a quarter, do you?"

[awaspaas]

Originally posted by funkboy:
Ole had to go to the bathroom in the outhouse one day, and as he was pulling back up his pants, he dropped a quarter into the hole.
He immediately walked into the house, grabbed his wallet, and went back to the outhouse. Lena saw this unfold, and was confused, so she walked over to the outhouse just in time to see Ole throw his wallet down the hole.

"Ole! What are you doing?!" Lena asked.

Ole replied, "Well, you don't think I'm going to go down there for just a quarter, do you?"

This particular one comes in many forms - two of which I've seen in this thread!

[Arty50]

Duuuuuh!!! I am Ole, and you are Sven.

[dillerX]

Living in Minnesota, I have heard every one of those jokes. Quite funny,, thanks Max.