[shifuimam]

Yes or no? Have you lived with a significant other (outside of marriage) in the past? Was it a mistake? Did you get married and live happily ever after (or, if you can't legally marry in your country of residence, live as a married couple for all intents and purposes)?

I'm just curious to hear what kind of experiences y'all have had with this. I come from a super conservative Christian family, so my mom's taking it a little hard that I'm shacking up with my boyfriend (we're planning on getting married in 11-14 months or so). She believes that there's a direct correlation between shacking up and relationship problems, divorce rates, etc.

After some research into it myself (aka Googling the hell out of it), I found an interesting study from a Canadian institute that delved more into why people shack up, the personalities of people who cohabitate, the mentality or stage of the relationship upon moving in together, and whatnot. I don't think you can draw a straight line between divorce rates and cohabitation rates; I think it has a lot more to do with the fact that it's become much more socially acceptable to live together (especially with younger couples in college and their twenties) for nonessential reasons (e.g. something other than out of financial necessity), so couples tend to shack up long before they're really committed to a long-term relationship, but they go ahead and get married because it's the "next logical step", even though one or both of the people in the relationship aren't interested in commitment or sometimes even monogamy.

I only know a few couples who've lived together before marriage, so I don't have a lot to go on in defense of premarital cohabitation. Plz advise.

[goMac]

I think if you're getting married you should. It's a good way to know what you're getting into before you actually tie the knot.

My last girlfriend and I had discussed it (we had dated 4 years). Probably wouldn't have worked out. I have another friend living with his girlfriend, currently miserable (no plans on getting married). But again, if you're getting married, you might as well find out how things are going to go before you've actually tied the knot.

[Doofy]

Shif, three months ago you were whining that you'd never find anyone and be alone forever. Which tells me that you've not been seeing this guy for long.

So don't do it. Not yet anyways. Shacking up this early in the relationship is usually a bad bad thing. At least wait until you hit the 6-9 months mark.

[SpaceMonkey]

Plus, don't believe any kind of psychological study conducted by Canadians. They're not "all there," if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I agree that a period of cohabitation is good for a relationship that is long-term and heading towards marriage, although maybe this should be done after an engagement has been announced.

[AKcrab]

I've been cohabiting for almost 15 years now.

[Andy8]

Live solo for as long as you both can. Then enjoy the time you spend together when you are together, as opposed to having to share the same space under the same roof.

[Chuckit]

Like everything else in the world of relationships, it completely depends. Some people live together and have a great time; others come to hate it. It sucks even more when you break up and you're living together. Of course, none of this becomes less true when you get married.

I agree with Doofy, though. It's definitely not something you should do at the start of a relationship. (Which, again, also applies to marriage.)

[Cipher13]

I lived with my most recent ex (telling enough?) for a year or so. We'd only been seeing each other for a few months. It was a fantastic time, and I wouldn't trade it; in the end, there were complications that didn't necessarily result from cohabitation. I say go for it, as long as you can support the rent on your own if things don't go so well (depending on who is moving where, etc). Keep seperate accounts and whatnot - just live in the same space.

I'd say getting married without living with a person first is foolish.

[ort888]

I've done it twice. The first time ended in complete disaster and the second time ended in a happy marriage. It's definitely a good relationship tester.

[Spheric Harlot]

Originally Posted by Andy8 

Live solo for as long as you both can. Then enjoy the time you spend together when you are together, as opposed to having to share the same space under the same roof.

You're not taking into account that people might *want* to live together.

For the last ten years or so, I've begun considering relationships that aren't serious enough to warrant spending your everyday life together a waste of time and effort.

Of course, unto each his own.

[OreoCookie]

If you want to move in with him, then do so. That's the only way to find out whether you can live with a person.

[Chuckit]

Originally Posted by OreoCookie 

If you want to move in with him, then do so. That's the only way to find out whether you can live with a person.

I don't know, I can usually disprove the idea just by hanging around someone long enough.

[OreoCookie]

No, the small stuff like eating stuff over the kitchen sink or leaving your hairs in the shower drain … 

[Maflynn]

Originally Posted by shifuimam 

Yes or no? Have you lived with a significant other (outside of marriage) in the past? Was it a mistake? Did you get married and live happily ever after (or, if you can't legally marry in your country of residence, live as a married couple for all intents and purposes)?

As you noticed my sig, I too consider myself a conservative Christian, so I never cohabitated with my better half.

Are you asking if its morally ok, or are you worried that living together w/o being married affect your relationship? Morally, I'm not going to touch, because you already know what the Bible has to say.

As to affecting the relationship, I've heard people make claims that people who shack up tend not to get married, i.e., why buy the cow when the milk is free type of mind set. To be honest, though, I never saw the actual studies that backed up that statement but for many people that does seem to make sense.

My only advice is to not rush into anything, if he is for you, then there's no need to hurry up and move in or get married or what ever. Take it slow and enjoy what you have.

[design219]

My wife and I lived together three years before getting married. Her parents were very religious and I'm sure not thrilled with the situation, but they seemed to like me enough. I think marriage is too important to let other people's feeling determine how you go about it.

When we got married, it was such a nice event... no stress, no worries about the big change, etc. We were really able to think about the wedding as a party and really enjoyed it.

We've been married 11 years now. The cohabitation period convinced us that we could be together and be completely happy. I think if there had been any issues between us, they would have appeared well before we got hitched.

[starman]

I really wish people would stop quoting passages from a book written over 2000 years ago when the relationships between men and women were MUCH different.

/sigh

That said, my wife and I lived together for a year before getting married. It was great for us because we worked out the kinks BEFORE getting into the legal tangle. In this day and age, you want to know ahead of time if you're compatible.

And yes, I'd be OK with my kids living with someone but ONLY if they were serious about the relationship.

[Doofy]

Originally Posted by starman 

I really wish people would stop quoting passages from a book written over 2000 years ago when the relationships between men and women were MUCH different.

Umm... ...since nobody has quoted any passages from a book written over 2,000 years ago, you earn a well deserved

[shifuimam]

I don't think I presented my question well.

I'm not looking for relationship advice here at all...this relationship is going spectacularly, so I'm not too worried about anything. I'm also not looking for moral advice... I'm not one to get my morals from the Internet.

I'm just interested to find out if anyone still buys into things like "cohabitation increases your likelihood of divorce" and that kind of thing. I'm also curious to hear from people who have cohabitated in the past (or are doing so currently), and if they thought it was a bad idea or if it resulted in a happy marriage, or whatever else.

[OreoCookie]

I think most of us misunderstood that part. I took your post as saying that you would like to, but were unsure whether you should go against the grain of your family.

To answer your question: I think it's a good thing and actually reduces the risk of divorce. I wouldn't want to get married to someone I haven't lived with, that's for sure. Southern states, for instance, have higher divorce rates.

[Doofy]

Originally Posted by shifuimam 

I'm just interested to find out if anyone still buys into things like "cohabitation increases your likelihood of divorce" and that kind of thing.

What, stuff like "cohabiting too soon after the start of a relationship increases the likelihood of her running off with half your record collection within nine months" kind of thing?

[d4nth3m4n]

i have, maybe three times now, and i can tell you this with absolute certainty- never move in with a S.O. for money reasons. move in because you want to.

i had no idea shif was female.

[design219]

Originally Posted by Doofy 

Umm... ...since nobody has quoted any passages from a book written over 2,000 years ago, you earn a well deserved

I think he's referencing wedding vows.

[Dakar V]

How could cohabitation increase the likelihood of divorce? The only difference between living with a person and not being married and living with a person and being married is the married part, not the living together part.

[OreoCookie]

Don't think so, I think starman's reply was regarding Maflynn's post that he won't discuss the morality of moving in together before being married.

[nonhuman]

I lived with my wife for about two years before we got married. I think it was a great thing. It gave us a good idea of what it would be like to live together while we still had the chance to get out easily and without causing too much damage. We're now approaching our first anniversary, so it seems to have worked out pretty well so far.

[Maflynn]

Originally Posted by shifuimam 

I'm just interested to find out if anyone still buys into things like "cohabitation increases your likelihood of divorce" and that kind of thing.

I don't think the act of living together before marriage increases or decreases the likelihood of divorce. I think not taking the time to develop a solid relationship before taking the plunge has more of an impact on the divorce rate then living together before marriage. People tend to jump into things a little too quickly and find that its easier to call it quits instead of working things out.

I also don't think you can really find the answers your questions on the internet, studies, opinions aside, the only thing that matters is how your relationship will grow. You basically have a 50-50 chance of getting divorced (given the divorce rate is around 50%)

[Railroader]

Originally Posted by shifuimam 

I don't think I presented my question well.

I'm not looking for relationship advice here at all...this relationship is going spectacularly, so I'm not too worried about anything. I'm also not looking for moral advice... I'm not one to get my morals from the Internet.

I'm just interested to find out if anyone still buys into things like "cohabitation increases your likelihood of divorce" and that kind of thing. I'm also curious to hear from people who have cohabitated in the past (or are doing so currently), and if they thought it was a bad idea or if it resulted in a happy marriage, or whatever else.

Look for studies long enough and you can find one to support any nearly argument.

From my limited anecdotal advise, don't do it. None of my friends who lived separately and got married are divorced. A vast majority of my friends who lived together and got married are divorced.

So morally, do you think it is right or wrong?

[osiris]

So far, I've lived with 5 women during my life, married two of them, divorced one.

I would never marry someone without living with them first.
So many bad habits, negative traits, annoyances, etc, that rear their ugly heads only after a certain amount of time.
I almost married this hot chick in grad school - but then I realized (after living with her) that she was a greedy tart that would sell her family off if it meant making a profit. Had I married her, I'd have major regrets, if not a death on my hands.

As for the moral issue -
I'm not gang banging them 3 at a time in my live-in orgy fest. But If I could legally have 10 wives I would.

[Laminar]

Originally Posted by Dakar V 

How could cohabitation increase the likelihood of divorce? The only difference between living with a person and not being married and living with a person and being married is the married part, not the living together part.

But if you're living together, it's assumed that you're sleeping together which, if you're a good conservative Christian, you're not doing, so a lot of it is in the appearance.

Originally Posted by d4nth3m4n 

i had no idea shif was female.

Wat.

[Dakar V]

Originally Posted by Laminar 

But if you're living together, it's assumed that you're sleeping together which, if you're a good conservative Christian, you're not doing, so a lot of it is in the appearance. .

I was talking about the divorce rate part. I could give a **** about the moral implications.

[starman]

Originally Posted by design219 

I think he's referencing wedding vows.

Um, no. I was talking about Maflynn's archaic (IMO) statement that men and women shouldn't live outside wedlock because The Bible says so.

[design219]

Originally Posted by starman 

Um, no.

Ha, that's what happens when I don't read. I'll have to agree with you.

[Don Pickett]

My $0.02, having lived with women twice is that the question is impossible to answer because every couple is different. I know people who lived together and ended up married and I know people who lived together and ended up breaking up. The studies I've seen show no correlation between living together before marriage and longevity of marriage.

[Doofy]

Originally Posted by starman 

Um, no. I was talking about Maflynn's archaic (IMO) statement that men and women shouldn't live outside wedlock because The Bible says so.

Umm, no. The Bible doesn't say that at all. And neither did Maflynn - he said that "Shif already knows what the Bible has to say". That's it.

[dcmacdaddy]

Originally Posted by Doofy 

Shif, three months ago you were whining that you'd never find anyone and be alone forever. Which tells me that you've not been seeing this guy for long.

So don't do it. Not yet anyways. Shacking up this early in the relationship is usually a bad bad thing. At least wait until you hit the 6-9 months mark.

What he said. Give the relationship some time before jumping into the "let's live together phase". If it the right thing to do (living together before marriage) you'll realize it and do it. The fact you are asking us about it means it is not the right thing to do (right now). Let it happen naturally.

But you must still be in the first flush of the relationship considering your single status just a little while ago, so talking about living together, let alone getting married, is WAY TOO SOON.

[starman]

Originally Posted by Doofy 

Umm, no. The Bible doesn't say that at all. And neither did Maflynn - he said that "Shif already knows what the Bible has to say". That's it.

Quote from Maflynn:

"As you noticed my sig, I too consider myself a conservative Christian, so I never cohabitated with my better half. "

[starman]

Originally Posted by design219 

Ha, that's what happens when I don't read. I'll have to agree with you.

It happens to the best of us

[ort888]

If the question is "Does moving in together increase the likeliness of getting a divorce down the road" then the answer surely has to be no.

I think what the statistics are showing is that people who do things like move in with each other are also the kind of people who would be more open to divorce as an option.

And hey, sometimes divorce is a better solution then spending your entire life in a bad relationship. I would say that people who are afraid to move in together for religious reasons are also likely to spend an entire life suffering with a partner they don't truly love.

The real key is to not rush into marriage. I've been with my wife for almost a decade and we've only been married for three years. We lived together for a long time before marriage and probably moved in together too soon to be honest. But it all worked out in the end. We're completely different people but we compliment each other well, playing off each others strengths and weaknesses.

[Dakar V]

I think this thread is about to go places.
ok, ok, more places.

[Doofy]

Originally Posted by starman 

Quote from Maflynn:

"As you noticed my sig, I too consider myself a conservative Christian, so I never cohabitated with my better half. "

And which bit of that is a fsking Bible quotation?

[SpaceMonkey]

Reminds me of the opening of this sketch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuvPpzPiIec

[Laminar]

Originally Posted by ort888 

I would say that people who are afraid to move in together for religious reasons are also likely to spend an entire life suffering with a partner they don't truly love.

Based on what data?

[Maflynn]

Originally Posted by Dakar V 

I think this thread is about to go places.
ok, ok, more places.

That's why I've stayed out of the fray. While starman has his opinions on my morality, I thought it best (for once) to keep my trap shut

[dcmacdaddy]

Originally Posted by SpaceMonkey 

Reminds me of the opening of this sketch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuvPpzPiIec

OK. So I watched the opening of the sketch and lol'ed. But then I watched a couple other KITH sketches, including "The Loner", and LOL'ed. I was laughing so hard it made my nose run.


Ahh, I love those guys.

[Dakar V]

Originally Posted by Laminar 

Based on what data?

That if they think moving in together before marriage is wrong, then they are more likely to think divorce is wrong as well (and therefore not a feasible option).

That's more deduction than data, though.

[Laminar]

Originally Posted by Maflynn 

That's why I've stayed out of the fray. While starman has his opinions on my morality, I thought it best (for once) to keep my trap shut

Besides initially bringing it up, of course, and then later commenting about how you're not commenting.

[Laminar]

Originally Posted by Dakar V 

That if they think moving in together before marriage is wrong, then they are more likely to think divorce is wrong as well (and therefore not a feasible option).

That's more deduction than data, though.

Okay, I guess I read it differently. That makes sense.

[Dakar V]

Originally Posted by Laminar 

Okay, I guess I read it differently.

Yeah, I think I've noticed that tendency lately.

[ort888]

Originally Posted by Laminar 

Based on what data?

The bible.

[d4nth3m4n]

Originally Posted by Laminar 

Wat.

OP said boyfriend and conservative christian. figured if OP was male this'd be a gay thread, not a cohabitation thread.