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You are here: MacNN Forums > Community > MacNN Lounge > should I dump her?

View Poll Results: She slept with another guy, so
Poll Options:
you should dump her 64 votes (83.12%)
you should give her a second chance 7 votes (9.09%)
I like jazz, or alternatively, I do not. 6 votes (7.79%)
Voters: 77. You may not vote on this poll
should I dump her? (Page 2)
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Chemmy
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Jan 13, 2004, 01:36 AM
 
Bye bye beautiful, don't bother to write.

1.25ghz 15" PowerBook
     
11011001  (op)
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Jan 13, 2004, 01:49 AM
 
deleted
( Last edited by 11011001; Dec 5, 2005 at 04:24 AM. )
     
killer_735
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Jan 13, 2004, 01:52 AM
 
So I assert that in a situation like this, where it's something that's obviously very important to you, you have probably already made up your mind on some level. You can read everyone's posts here, and there are some damn good arguments, but in the end you will do what you need to do-it's that simple. Give yourself some time and let yourself be distracted-I think you'll find that when you finally see this person again, you'll find yourself either repulsed and angry, or happy to see her, and you'll act accordingly.

Whenever there's something important like this it happens the same way-you make up your mind in a logical, rational way, and then either follow what you had decided but for different reasons, or more often throw logic to the wind and do what you need to do.

Don't worry-you don't have to know what that is for it to work.
"Leave it. Leave it, it's fine. It's fine. I WILL DESTROY YOU!" -Morbo
     
hyteckit
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Jan 13, 2004, 02:29 AM
 
Originally posted by Face Ache:
No they don't. They know damned well what they're doing. They just regret the consequences.

And alcohol provides people with an excuse to behave badly.

In any case it's well documented that women are mentally unstable until around the age of twenty six. Don't get sucked into their dramas.
Haha.. word.
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Mastrap
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Jan 13, 2004, 02:29 AM
 
Originally posted by Face Ache:
No they don't. They know damned well what they're doing. They just regret the consequences.

And alcohol provides people with an excuse to behave badly.

In any case it's well documented that women are mentally unstable until around the age of twenty six. Don't get sucked into their dramas.
What, and boys are any better

Seriously, you're young. It's not as if you were going to get married. Move on, find somebody who treats you better.
     
Captain Obvious
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Jan 13, 2004, 02:45 AM
 
Originally posted by Kilbey:
Are you being critical of my religious beliefs?

How intolerant of you.

I guess you seem to have missed the obvious.
No, I caught on that you were a twit days ago. And its not your beliefs its that you dwell in them to escape the reality of the world.

Anyway, 1101....

It sounds like you don't want to break up with her. If you are really that attached then you prob won't and you are going to get dicked over again.
You are putting almost all the blame on the guy and letting yourself believe she was a victim.... I am sure she knew what kind of situation she was getting into. And I am sure it was a progression of events that ended up with them sleeping together. If you can't even get yourself to ask her how many times this has happened and what else has gone on then you are in real trouble. If you are afraid to ask you already know the answer.

You are the one who is going to get the worst of the situation. She has her fallback position and I am sure she can move on faster than you, it sounds like she has already begun to.

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Face Ache
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Jan 13, 2004, 03:01 AM
 
Originally posted by Mastrap:
What, and boys are any better
No but this thread is about Secret Men's Business.
     
historylme
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Jan 13, 2004, 03:02 AM
 
I have been in love three times, and each time I thought I would never find the amazing/incredible person, and you know what, to my despair and dissapointment, I always met the next amazing person.

There will always be that next great person, even if you go through a lot of regetness, the point is to continue forward, for you are very young! You are at the start of your adult race, don't be dragged down too much by one betrayal. Move on, the less bagage you carry the better you will be.

finally, the third one is the charm for me, my now relationship is by far the healtiest of all.... out of, oh, twenty odd ones.
     
sniffer
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Jan 13, 2004, 03:47 AM
 
You either need to change the fact that you live far apart, change the rules of the game for the time that you're apart or simply call it off until circumstances are more favorable for monogamy.
That is so true. Especially in that age. It's just that they probably didn't have an agreement on something like that on beforehand and that is making it impossible later.
11011001: I am quite certain she will be special for you even if you and her decides to split up. I think we all have had one of those special ones at one time in our early relationships one way or another. Ask your self honestly if you can get together with her again and start trusting her again. To forgive is one thing, but trust is the most difficult thing. If you both can't get past this, it will do more harm than good getting back to her guarantied, speaking from my own experience. (You can get paranoid for less than this) It's allowed to be a little egocentric when things like this happens. Your feelings are just as much worth as hers.
I wish you both the best for the future.

Sniffer gone old-school sig
     
Cipher13
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Jan 13, 2004, 04:33 AM
 
Originally posted by 11011001:
So, I have had this girlfriend for a year... it's long distance now. Anyways, 2 days ago she told me she kissed a guy and wanted to break up. Then she changed her mind. It turns out she wanted to break up out of guilt.

Well, I decided the moral thing to do would be to forgive her. So I did. Then later in the conversation, she admits that she slept with him.
So. She only told you what really happened to make HERSELF feel better, not to let you know the truth. It was out of guilt. Strike 2 (one being that she's a ****ing whore and ceahted on you).

Originally posted by 11011001:
Holy ****, I have never really felt anything like that before.. the shock that is. Well, when I get extremely emotional I get extremely cold and calculating. It's probably a good thing, because I think more rationally than I normally do. So, I thought about my morals.. and what I should do. I believe in forgiveness.. no matter what. But, I have never really been tested like this before... so, I decided not to be a hypocrite and forgive her. I think it will take a long time to actually feel forgiveness.. but, I will try. You should understand she is really very sorry.. and I really appreciate and respect her honesty, for telling me. But God.. she slept with someone.

I keep running it in my head.. this guy, was 27. She's 18. I think to me that is the worse part. He also knew she had a bf. Obviously he lacks any sort of ethics or morality. Such people, no matter who they are, are utterly despicable. I have believed this before this happened to me, and this just reaffirms my belief. Anyone who would willingly hurt someone else for their own selfish goals is worth no respect.. not in the least. But, their karma will catch up to them.

I feel so utterly betrayed. I don't get close to anyone.. not even my parents.. and the one person who I do get close to.. stabs me in the back. Hmm, at the same time I am so sad. I don't really want to loose her.. I am willing to give her a chance. But, how can I possibly trust her again?

I forgive her, but the question is whether I should stay with her.
Dump her.

I've been in this situation before. Not just once.

She's a lying, cheating whore. No, I'm not bitter, I'm just honest. She ****ed someone else. She didn't "make a mistake" unless she accidentally fell over onto his dick. And I'm sure that's exactly what happened, right?

She made a conscious decision to betray you. It didn't happen while somebody else was in control of her; she flirted with him, kissed him, screwed him, and slept with him, all completely intentionally. All while you were still her partner.

She DECIDED to cheat on you. She isn't sorry - not to you. She's sorry that SHE feels bad. Not for what she did to you.

She will do it again - I'd put money on it. If you forgive her once, you'll forgive her twice, despite what rules you set for youself.

Do NOT make excuses for her.

She must be treated like the piece of **** she is.

I'm sorry you had to go through this.

Originally posted by hayesk:
You should pretend to forgive her and then sleep with her sister or her best friend. If you succeed, then dump her. If there's no chance of that happening, dump her and don't look back.


Last time I was cheated on, I got with the ex girlfriend of the guy with whom she cheated (I knew him, and I knew her; and he still liked her). Awesome payback.

If she had a sister, or any family, I woulda gone there... but none in the country.

Originally posted by kmkkid:
Forgive her if she's truely sincere.
She wouldn't be. She didn't do this by "accident".

She deserves no forgiveness; only complete demonisation.
     
witulski
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Jan 13, 2004, 06:57 AM
 
funny thing is... if this was a guy friend calling up from off at another college, telling you about how he got laid, you'd be completely happy for him. he was flirting, working the attraction, turning on the charm, and got some action! bonus! good on him.

but because it's a 'relationship', everything has to be different. we treat our closest loves in such a different degree than we do our friends, holding them to a completely different set of ethics and morals.

humans sure are some interesting people.
     
:XI:
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Jan 13, 2004, 07:24 AM
 
Originally posted by witulski:
funny thing is... if this was a guy friend calling up from off at another college, telling you about how he got laid, you'd be completely happy for him. he was flirting, working the attraction, turning on the charm, and got some action! bonus! good on him.

but because it's a 'relationship', everything has to be different. we treat our closest loves in such a different degree than we do our friends, holding them to a completely different set of ethics and morals.

humans sure are some interesting people.
Women are people too!

Originally posted by cipher13:
She didn't "make a mistake" unless she accidentally fell over onto his dick.
So, is an error in judgement not a mistake?
     
Millennium
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Jan 13, 2004, 08:12 AM
 
It is up to you to decide whether to give her a second chance. There are perfectly valid reasons to go either way.

Choosing to forgive her is not an easy step, though. In many ways, what happened was a violation: a violation of your relationship. You're in for a lot of pain, shame, second-guessing, fights, and mistrust, and these are things which will not heal quickly.

You need to step back and ask yourself: is she really worth all that? She might be; I don't know. If you decide that she is, then by all means forgive her. If she isn't, get out now.

However, I will offer this advice: if you decide to give her a second chance, do not give her a third one, and make that clear to her right now: this must never happen again, or you will leave. You can forgive her, but you must not become a doormat. If a monogamous relationship is what you want, then you have every right to expect it so long as you make that perfectly clear to your mate. Your feelings are normal, natural, and totally appropriate.

Don't do this, however, unless you're absolutely certain that you will be able to dump her flat, with no further opportunities for forgiveness or explanation, if it happens again, because that could very well come to pass. You may believe she's worth it. You may be right, you may be wrong. If this happens again, then she's not worth the heartache.

For the record, I once chose forgiveness, so I know what you must be going through. My situation was bizarre by any standard, but I know how hard it is to choose the path you seem to have chosen. Think about it some more, to make sure it's what you really want for yourself. If it turns out to not be, then get out now. If you really want this, though, then hang in there.

I suspect that most of the people who say that this kind of thing is no big deal have never had it happen to them. It's something often talked about, even fantasized about by some, but the reality is very different from the theory or the fantasy.
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Millennium
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Jan 13, 2004, 08:18 AM
 
And a note: this was a mistake on her part, but it was not an accident. This kind of thing can happen accidentally, but only in the most bizarre and/or horrific of circumstances, and those should be forgiven readily. In the case of "horrific circumstances", most people -myself included- wouldn't even count it as cheating in the first place, because it generally means that someone was unwilling, and it would be incredibly unfair to consider that the victim's fault.

This does not sound, however, as though it was any kind of accident. She doesn't seem to indicate that the guy raped her or anything, and this wasn't bizarre enough to possibly be accidental (e.g. she didn't "accidentally fall over onto his dick", as Cipher so eloquently put it).
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sniffer
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Jan 13, 2004, 09:04 AM
 
Right on. ^

It's really a harder path to try make things work again than simply just leave the whole thing behind and split up.
Somehow, just for that reason I am kind of glad I am not obligated into marriage and kids yet.

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mitchell_pgh
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Jan 13, 2004, 09:13 AM
 
Rule # 1:

Your girlfriend knew what she was doing don't blame the guy!

This is as classic as it gets and you see it on shows like Springer all the time.

Girl cheats on guy ---> Girl tells guy ---> guy hates other guy?

In reality, the guy should should hate the girl. The "other guy" is just part of the equation. It's not like he forced her to have sex with her. I'm not trying to stick up for the guy, but you need to look at this situation long and hard. Who is to blame... Not the other guy, but rather your girl. Just look at the responses to your poll. EVERYONE thinks you should break up with her.

Also, no matter how long the two of you will be together, you will always think of "that other guy".
     
Millennium
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Jan 13, 2004, 09:59 AM
 
Originally posted by mitchell_pgh:
Rule # 1:

Your girlfriend knew what she was doing don't blame the guy!
I'm not sure I'd go quite that far. If the guy knew what he was doing -and he seems to have known in this case- then he is not totally blameless.

But she also knew what she was doing, so she's no innocent flower either. In fact, I'd assign the her the lion's share of the blame; as the one in a monogamous relationship, it was her responsibility to say no. However, even failing that, the guy could have stopped things, and he didn't, so some relatively small portion goes to him. Of course, he may also have been in a monogamous relationship, in which case he was responsible for his own cheating.
Also, no matter how long the two of you will be together, you will always think of "that other guy".
This is true, but in that way it's kind of like when a loved one dies. You never forget, but as time goes by the remembering doesn't hurt as much.

Oh, and one last thing which I forgot to mention. Some people will tell you that you can use this as the ultimate "get out of jail free" card. Do not, under any circumstances, do this. At the absolute least, would make you a hypocrite. More likely, it will breed even more resentment, virtually guaranteeing that this will happen again.
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Cipher13
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Jan 13, 2004, 10:14 AM
 
He knew she was taken. He was at fault.

She was taken, and she knew it. She is more at fault.

It was more her than him... and she could've said no at any time.

Don't think for a second that she didn't consider you in this as it all happened. She thought of you alright, and said to herself "**** it".
     
iWrite
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Jan 13, 2004, 10:15 AM
 
So, I think you should move on.

Seriously.

From a woman's point of view this is what I think:

She obviously doesn't feel a firm commitment to you otherwise she wouldn't have slept with him. MOST women just don't go around sleeping with someone -- there has to be a serious disconnection with the person they're with.

Second of all, if you try to stay with her because you "forgive her" then she'll only see that as weakness and I PROMISE you, it WILL happen again.

I say, forgive her -- but move on.

I divorced a software company executive because he slept with someone he'd met on business -- she called me after he "dumped" her and I got the lowdown from her personally (she was pissed off.) He always had what I call "software groupies" around him so I knew the temptation was probably there when he was on business trips. Yes, I loved him (still do -- and wish him the best), but could I trust him again? NO. Oh, he was sorry alright and kept on trying to "fix" the relationship over and over, but it was past fixing. The way I saw it was that something in the relationship was irretrievably broken for him to be philandering the way he was. He was acting as if he wanted freedom so I gave it to him in the form of a divorce. Now I'm remarried and very happy and don't look back. He and I are still very good friends, but hindsight is 20/20 and in this case, we both know it was for the best after all.

Move on.
     
effgee
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Jan 13, 2004, 10:30 AM
 


What iWrite said ... with cream on top!!
     
Cipher13
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Jan 13, 2004, 11:26 AM
 
Originally posted by :XI::
So, is an error in judgement not a mistake?
Nope.

An error in judgement is a decision made based upon a set of circumstances... and deserves no forgiveness.

As opposed to an accident.

This was no accident.
     
andi*pandi
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Jan 13, 2004, 11:49 AM
 
In any case it's well documented that women are mentally unstable until around the age of twenty six.
by well-documented, you mean in the The Book of Cipher, RandumHuss 2003?



Topic: anycase, yes, break up with her, but tell her that 27yr old is not going to love her.
     
dav
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Jan 13, 2004, 12:02 PM
 
sorry, but move on.
one post closer to five stars
     
Tulkas
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Jan 13, 2004, 12:41 PM
 
Sir, your job is to:

A) Rouse mob if possible.

B) Beat crap out of said guy. Make him afraid to look at her.

C) Dump the girl. She is not special and the relationship is not going to grow into something more meaningful. If you are a whore though then hang onto her.

D) Stay out of a relationship for a little while. Decisions during this period will range for stupid to borderline insanity.

E) Make a list. Lists are fun

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wdlove
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Jan 13, 2004, 12:53 PM
 
I give you a lot of credit, you did the right thing by forgiving her. Since it is a long distance relationship, it would be best if you foget about her.

"Never give in, never give in, never, never, never, never - in nothing, great or small, large or petty - never give in except to convictions of honor and good sense." Winston Churchill
     
Cipher13
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Jan 13, 2004, 12:57 PM
 
Originally posted by wdlove:
I give you a lot of credit, you did the right thing by forgiving her. Since it is a long distance relationship, it would be best if you foget about her.
Why does she deserve to be forgiven?
     
Millennium
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Jan 13, 2004, 01:15 PM
 
Originally posted by Cipher13:
Why does she deserve to be forgiven?
That's for the one wronged to decide, and no one else, because in the end, he's the one who decides what all of this means. We can offer advice, but in the end we shouldn't really be telling him what to do. Some people here say to forgive, others don't, and still others say he needs to think some more before deciding.

If he forgives her, then he did the right thing because he believes that she deserves to be forgiven. That's all there is to it. If he didn't believe that she deserved it, then forgiving her wouldn't be the right thing to do.

But enough with this. In the end, it's his call. Frankly, I don't think he should forgive her unless he can see himself marrying her eventually (which I am fully aware just got a lot more difficult). If he can't see himself marrying her even after this specific incident (and/or she can't see herself marrying him), then their relationship is doomed at this point, and he should save himself the heartache of drawing the relationship out over time.

If, on the other hand, these two are really serious about their intentions, then they actually do stand a chance. It's not a good one -long-distance relationships seldom are, particularly after something like this- but it can be accomplished. They've invested a year into this relationship already, and if they're both serious then they shouldn't give it up that easily. Of course, this incident casts major doubt on her seriousness, so there is a lot of soul-searching that is going to have to be done.

I will say this, however. Do not end the relationship for another three days, even if you think you've come to a decision before then. It's difficult, I know; I understand how painful this is. But give yourself time to really think it over. Double- and triple-check your thought processes; make sure that whatever you decide, it's really what you want. Either way, it is not a decision to be made lightly.
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James L
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Jan 13, 2004, 01:31 PM
 
Everybody here has said it, so I will just sum it up:

1) Your "girlfriend" had an an opportunity to have sex with someone else, thought about you and the reprucutions, and then laid down and spread her legs for the guy. It was NOT a mistake, it was a calulated decision.

As you get older you will realize that part of maturity is realizing that you don't put yourself into situations where these things could happen. She did, and when faced with the decision she decided to screw another guy, knowing it would hurt you. Never forget that... SHE chose to do it.

2) She chose to lie to you about it.

You really only have 1 option... politely say goodbye, and forget about her. You don't deserve to go through the pain of this again, and believe me when I say agonizing over whether it will happen again is almost as painful as when it happened the first time.

SHE made the wrong choice... it is time for YOU to make the right one....

Walk away.
     
aleph_null
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Jan 13, 2004, 02:11 PM
 
Originally posted by Cipher13:
Why does she deserve to be forgiven?
It's more like 11011 deserves to forgive her. It's a gift for himself, not for her.

But otherwise, other folks have spoken plenty eloquently and wisely. It's f**king hard work, but I think you know what you have to do. She's not an evil demon, trying to hate her will solve nothing (but do let yourself be angry at her!) I doubt she "calculated" this in order to hurt you. But she did. In a pretty nasty way. No need to bring morals into it: it's just a matter of self-preservation. You have to end it for your own sake.

My grain-of-salt two cents. Anyway, I'm sorry it happened.
     
palmberg
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Jan 13, 2004, 03:17 PM
 
Dump. Her. You're young. This is a no-brainer, fella.
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tsuki
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Jan 13, 2004, 03:36 PM
 
Originally posted by aleph_null:
It's more like 11011 deserves to forgive her. It's a gift for himself, not for her.

But otherwise, other folks have spoken plenty eloquently and wisely. It's f**king hard work, but I think you know what you have to do. She's not an evil demon, trying to hate her will solve nothing (but do let yourself be angry at her!) I doubt she "calculated" this in order to hurt you. But she did. In a pretty nasty way. No need to bring morals into it: it's just a matter of self-preservation. You have to end it for your own sake.

My grain-of-salt two cents. Anyway, I'm sorry it happened.
word.
also keep in mind there were three major things working against your relationship to begin with:
1) age & experience
2) HORMONES
3) distance
you've had some excellent advice here & I think everyone wishes the best for you.As dark as it seems right now (trust me on this one)you will see that your brightest days are yet to come.
( Last edited by tsuki; Jan 16, 2004 at 08:18 PM. )
     
deekay1
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Jan 13, 2004, 03:46 PM
 
Originally posted by 11011001:
So, I have had this girlfriend for a year... it's long distance now. Anyways, 2 days ago she told me she kissed a guy and wanted to break up. Then she changed her mind. It turns out she wanted to break up out of guilt.

Well, I decided the moral thing to do would be to forgive her. So I did. Then later in the conversation, she admits that she slept with him.
i didn't even have to read any further.

pretty easy conclusion:

a) dump her sorry a$$ asap

b) beat the living crap outta the guy (not just for revenge, but for sh*ts and giggles as well)

c) grab your mates, go to a bar and get sloshed!

give yourself some time off. get laid a lot...love will come around again.

sorry to hear about that. kudos though, for taking the risk.

hedonist, anarchist, agnostic, mac enthusiast and a strong believer in evolution and the yellow m&m conspiracy
     
mitchell_pgh
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Jan 13, 2004, 04:20 PM
 
I don't know why many of you keep bringing up the other guy (other then he figures in to the original story). I feel the blame is squarely on the shoulders of the person in the relationship. It is their responsibility to stay faithful (not the other guys) Do I think the other guy is squeaky clean, NO. But if it wasn't that guy, it probably would have been another. Place blame where blame is deserved. I'm not trying to defend the other guy, but this always seems to be the story.

The veneer of civility runs very thin when dealing with relationships.

I would pull the "I forgive you, but I cannot forget what you did." line and get out of the relationship.
     
dcmacdaddy
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Jan 13, 2004, 04:55 PM
 
Originally posted by James L:
Everybody here has said it, so I will just sum it up:

1) Your "girlfriend" had an an opportunity to have sex with someone else, thought about you and the reprucutions, and then laid down and spread her legs for the guy. It was NOT a mistake, it was a calulated decision.

As you get older you will realize that part of maturity is realizing that you don't put yourself into situations where these things could happen. She did, and when faced with the decision she decided to screw another guy, knowing it would hurt you. Never forget that... SHE chose to do it.

2) She chose to lie to you about it.

You really only have 1 option... politely say goodbye, and forget about her. You don't deserve to go through the pain of this again, and believe me when I say agonizing over whether it will happen again is almost as painful as when it happened the first time.

SHE made the wrong choice... it is time for YOU to make the right one....

Walk away.
"As you get older you realize that you can put yourself into situations where these things happen" but you will be mature enough to a) act on them fully knowing the risks posed to the relationship and the consequences from the chosen action, or b) choose not to act in any way detrimental to the relationship.

Forgiveness is up to him and what his heart tells him regardless of what we blather on about with our replies. But you are right, James L, about him walking away.

11011001, you will be amazed at your strength when you take that first step. Do it now for YOUR sake.
One should never stop striving for clarity of thought and precision of expression.
I would prefer my humanity sullied with the tarnish of science rather than the gloss of religion.
     
Kilbey
Baninated
Join Date: Oct 1999
Location: Michigan, USA
Status: Offline
Reply With Quote
Jan 14, 2004, 02:20 AM
 
Originally posted by Captain Obvious:
No, I caught on that you were a twit days ago. And its not your beliefs its that you dwell in them to escape the reality of the world.

SNIP
Thanks for the name calling. It really says a lot about you.
     
 
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