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how do I politely tell my friend I don't want to move in with him?
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Forum Regular
Join Date: Apr 2005
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I know he can't afford it. He's always in money trouble, still in school, and never has a job for a long period of time. I know he wants to move in with me because I just got a new job and he thinks it'll be a little bit "easier" for him; but fact of the matter I won't be making that much money myself and there is no way I'll be able to help when he needs it.
It's lose/lose. I tell him no now and look like the bad guy and ruin the friendship, or put him out on the street 6 months from now and look like the bad guy and ruin the friendship. argh
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Mac Elite
Join Date: Jan 2001
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It's pretty simple. Tell him that he's always having money troubles, and you don't want to deal with that. Nothing personal on the friendship.
He can't be offended by the truth. He knows it's true.
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Mac Elite
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Clinically Insane
Join Date: Nov 1999
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Tell him he's a great guy (assuming he is), and you value your friendship, but you're not sure you're really compatible as roommates. You don't have to mention finances at all.
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You are in Soviet Russia. It is dark. Grue is likely to be eaten by YOU!
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Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: Sep 2001
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Don't worry about being polite, I didn't.
My friend came to me a few months back with a similar proposal, which he has brought up more than a few times since. I firmly tell him that he's a loser and until he gets his **** together I'd feel more confident living in a box under a bridge than I would counting on him to cough up when it came time to pay bills.
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I like chicken
I like liver
Meow Mix, Meow Mix
Please de-liv-er
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Professional Poster
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Yorktown, VA
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How about one of these?
1. I don't want to move in with you.
2. I'd rather live alone.
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"I'm virtually bursting with adequatulence!" - Bill McNeal, NewsRadio
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Clinically Insane
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: San Diego, CA, USA
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Originally Posted by Lateralus
Don't worry about being polite, I didn't.
My friend came to me a few months back with a similar proposal, which he has brought up more than a few times since. I firmly tell him that he's a loser and until he gets his **** together I'd feel more confident living in a box under a bridge than I would counting on him to cough up when it came time to pay bills.
Agreed here. I'd just be honest that you can't afford to support him and you know he couldn't afford the place. If you can't bring yourself to say no, he'll just keep pushing.
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Chuck
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"Instead of either 'multi-talented' or 'multitalented' use 'bisexual'."
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Posting Junkie
Join Date: May 2001
Location: Brisbane, Australia
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If you associate with losers....well you know the rest.
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Mac Elite
Join Date: May 2005
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as long as you tell him the truth, he shouldn't get too flustered over it. But say it in a way to keep the friendship lasting, if you even want to keep the friendship.
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Posting Junkie
Join Date: Feb 2000
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You do not need to tell him that he is bad with money, etc. etc. Just tell him you don't think it will work, and you have a hook up at a different place...
You don't have to hurt his feelings.
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Professional Poster
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Don't be wimpy about it. Be VERY clear. Under NO cercumstance can you live with him. Tell him he is a great freind, but it will never happen. Do NOT feel guilty. It's your place, and you need your space.
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Posting Junkie
Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: Washington, DC
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Originally Posted by Buckaroo
Don't be wimpy about it. Be VERY clear. Under NO cercumstance can you live with him. Tell him he is a great freind, but it will never happen. Do NOT feel guilty. It's your place, and you need your space.
No offense, but if a friend said "Under NO circumstance can I live with you. Your a good friend, but it's just never going to happen" I would be rather upset... and would feel anything but like a "good friend."
You aren't "being wimpy" by trying to take his feeling into account.
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Professional Poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
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Hit on him
Or just say that you don't think you could room with him. Honestly he shouldn't take it personally. I had a friend who I'd previously roomed with who when I kinda broached the topic was clear he didn't want to room with me again, and that's OK. Honestly we get along better when we don't have to see each-other every day.
Just be clear that you think you'd probably grate on each-other. You might even suggest that you think he'll get sick of you every day.
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Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: Apr 2001
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Originally Posted by mitchell_pgh
No offense, but if a friend said "Under NO circumstance can I live with you. Your a good friend, but it's just never going to happen" I would be rather upset... and would feel anything but like a "good friend."
You aren't "being wimpy" by trying to take his feeling into account.
I agree. Just say you really want to have your own place. All these people saying you absolutely have to tell him the possibly hurtful truth (because he's a "bum") are wrong. This isn't the deadbeat drunkard guy that lives on the roof of your neighbor's apartment building, this is your good friend. If he were just some co-worker or something, yeah, I'd tell him he sucks and no freakin' way.
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ice
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Moderator Emeritus
Join Date: Apr 2001
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Originally Posted by - - e r i k - -
If you associate with losers....well you know the rest.
Friends of mine go through ups and downs, and I don't drop them as friends. Unless I don't "know the rest"?? Although I agree he shouldn't live with the guy.
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ice
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Posting Junkie
Join Date: May 2001
Location: Brisbane, Australia
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That was not what I said. Of course you should stick by your friends in thick and thin. Unless they are chronically losers.
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Clinically Insane
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: San Diego, CA, USA
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Originally Posted by IceEnclosure
I agree. Just say you really want to have your own place
From the sound of it, he doesn't intend to have his own place. So, yeah, that doesn't work.
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Chuck
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"Instead of either 'multi-talented' or 'multitalented' use 'bisexual'."
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Posting Junkie
Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: Washington, DC
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Originally Posted by Chuckit
From the sound of it, he doesn't intend to have his own place. So, yeah, that doesn't work.
I don't think you have to have a clear cut excuse. Most friends of mine would just say "ok" if I said something along the lines of "Hey, I think it would be fun to live together, but I have a lead on a place, and really want to focus on work... considering this is my first job, and you are still in college, I think this would be better. I really hope you understand"
If my friend really put the heat on... I would probably get a little more admit about it.
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Mac Elite
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Mac Elite
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Well, maybe you could say that he can share the apartment for say 1 month until he finds job and so on. But tell him that if even he can't find job during that month, he has to go away anyway. Help him once and you will do something good, and he will also appreciate it.
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Posting Junkie
Join Date: Feb 2000
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Originally Posted by Hash
Well, maybe you could say that he can share the apartment for say 1 month until he finds job and so on. But tell him that if even he can't find job during that month, he has to go away anyway. Help him once and you will do something good, and he will also appreciate it.
I don't think that's a good idea either. It's much easier to say no now... as compared to a few months down the road when he is living with you.
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Clinically Insane
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: San Diego, CA, USA
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Yeah. Living with him is what we wanted to avoid here, remember?
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Chuck
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"Instead of either 'multi-talented' or 'multitalented' use 'bisexual'."
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Mac Elite
Join Date: Apr 2001
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Yes, he wants to avoid living, but he is also asked for help. So help for a while, once and then don't live together.
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Professional Poster
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Originally Posted by mitchell_pgh
No offense, but if a friend said "Under NO circumstance can I live with you. Your a good friend, but it's just never going to happen" I would be rather upset... and would feel anything but like a "good friend."
You aren't "being wimpy" by trying to take his feeling into account.
If you don't put up a strong front, I suspect that he'll be back every other day begging until you give in. You have to tell him straight out and act as if you meant it and will not flinch.
If he was a true friend, he wouldn't be asking.
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Professional Poster
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Originally Posted by Hash
Well, maybe you could say that he can share the apartment for say 1 month until he finds job and so on. But tell him that if even he can't find job during that month, he has to go away anyway. Help him once and you will do something good, and he will also appreciate it.
I'm not certain if this is true, but somehow, I suspect that he'll never ever get him out. He'll have to serve him with an eviction notice and I don't know how long that will take to get him out.
If you let him move in, I believe you'll never get him out.
I might be wrong, and I'm sure everyone will explain why.
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Professional Poster
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Originally Posted by Hash
Yes, he wants to avoid living, but he is also asked for help. So help for a while, once and then don't live together.
Heck, I'd rather give the leacher $100 and recommend some other looser for him to move into with.
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Clinically Insane
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: San Diego, CA, USA
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Originally Posted by Buckaroo
If he was a true friend, he wouldn't be asking.
What nonsense. I've suggested to some of my friends that we live together, and I don't feel particularly guilty for it.
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Chuck
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"Instead of either 'multi-talented' or 'multitalented' use 'bisexual'."
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Professional Poster
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Originally Posted by Chuckit
What nonsense. I've suggested to some of my friends that we live together, and I don't feel particularly guilty for it.
Without paying rent? He ain't got the money to pay for rent, food, or any expenses.
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Posting Junkie
Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: Washington, DC
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Originally Posted by Buckaroo
Without paying rent? He ain't got the money to pay for rent, food, or any expenses.
The original poster never said the guy was a deadbeat or that he was pressuring him to move in together. He simply said that he felt he couldn't afford it, his friend was always in money trouble and FELT like he was only asking because the original poster had a job.
Originally Posted by Buckaroo
Heck, I'd rather give the leacher $100 and recommend some other looser for him to move into with
Who ever said he was a leacher? Why recommend some loser for him? Why not let him figure out where to go...
Originally Posted by Buckaroo
If you let him move in, I believe you'll never get him out.
I agree with you here... once he is in, it's nearly impossible to get him out if you both sign a single lease. Just don't do it... if he chooses to end the relationship because you don't want to move in, that's his decision, and there is nothing you can do about it.
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Mac Elite
Join Date: Sep 2000
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Often times living together, even with good friends can sour or completely ruin a friendship. Living together is quite different from going out together. Frankly, I prefer the former as far as friends are concerned. Individuals need their space and privacy and we all have our own "quirky" (to everybody else) ways of doing things which may be quite incompatible with others'.
Why put your friendship on the line like that if there's an alternative? Just let him know that you prefer to live alone at the moment and that you value your friendship with him so that you wouldn't like to put your friendship in jeopardy like that. If you're clear, honest and respectful to him about this, there's no good reason he shouldn't accept it.
While I consider my friends good, honorable and trustworthy people, I would try to avoid this type of scenario, because there are too many things that can go wrong that are not worth stressing a good friendship over.
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Professional Poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
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Agreed. Honestly the best rooming experiences I've had in both cases I didn't know the person before rooming with them.
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Professional Poster
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Forum Regular
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yeah he isn't a deadbeat at all. He's a good friend, not a bad person, but just seems like he can't get his **** straightened out. He makes his $400 a month rent now, I don't know how but he can keep afloat. Where "we" want to move would be twice that. He's gonna need a place to stay in a couple of months either temp, or rent. I don't want either to happen.
If it were remotely possible for me to live alone then I would do it. I will need a roommate though.
I have lived with friends before and it seems to never work out, so I guess I could play off of that more and just kind of throw in the money thing as well. Tell him he needs to focus on school and whatnot. It's just hard because he's really sensitive and doesn't take criticism very well.
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Posting Junkie
Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: Washington, DC
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Originally Posted by generationfourt
I have lived with friends before and it seems to never work out, so I guess I could play off of that more and just kind of throw in the money thing as well. Tell him he needs to focus on school and whatnot. It's just hard because he's really sensitive and doesn't take criticism very well.
More advice:
- TELL HIME EARLY. The longer you wait, the more upset he potentially can get (and rightfully so). He also needs to start looking.
- Let him know that you don't want to spoil the relationship by moving in. (WARNING: He potentially will say "But it wont!" and you need to be prepared to say "Well, I don't want to take that chance... you're a good friend")
- Tell him it's more you (which it seems to be) that wants to get out of the college mode. You think living with a non-student work work better, etc.
Be honest, but don't be rude as some people here would advise.
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Mac Elite
Join Date: Nov 2003
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Originally Posted by Millennium
Tell him he's a great guy (assuming he is), and you value your friendship, but you're not sure you're really compatible as roommates. You don't have to mention finances at all.
Agreed.
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Clinically Insane
Join Date: Dec 1999
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Tell him the truth: Friends make the worst roommates! I gaurantee, he could be your absolute best friend, but spend one year as roommates and you'll hate each others' guts.
Becoming roomies is the fastest way to end a friendship.
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"…I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than
you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods,
you will understand why I dismiss yours." - Stephen F. Roberts
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Professional Poster
Join Date: Jun 2006
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Originally Posted by olePigeon
Tell him the truth: Friends make the worst roommates! I gaurantee, he could be your absolute best friend, but spend one year as roommates and you'll hate each others' guts.
Becoming roomies is the fastest way to end a friendship.
I've been rooming with the same friend all three years of college, we were best friends and locker partners since 7th grade. We've just got compatible personalities.
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Clinically Insane
Join Date: Dec 1999
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Originally Posted by Gossamer
I've been rooming with the same friend all three years of college, we were best friends and locker partners since 7th grade. We've just got compatible personalities.
Wait until you have to share rent, utilities, and the bathroom.
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"…I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than
you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods,
you will understand why I dismiss yours." - Stephen F. Roberts
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Professional Poster
Join Date: Jun 2006
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Originally Posted by olePigeon
Wait until you have to share rent, utilities, and the bathroom.
I have done that for the past two years, and will again next year.
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Mac Elite
Join Date: Mar 2001
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Insist out of the blue that he owes you some money?
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_,.
a solitary firefly flies at nite
into the darkness an endless flight
a million flashes of delight.
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Professional Poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Winnipeg, MB
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Originally Posted by Gossamer
I've been rooming with the same friend all three years of college, we were best friends and locker partners since 7th grade. We've just got compatible personalities.
Now you're just giving SWG ammo
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Banned
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Land of the Easily Accused.
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Tell him you walk in your sleep slashing a butcher knife around.
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Fresh-Faced Recruit
Join Date: Jul 2006
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Originally Posted by mitchell_pgh
I don't think that's a good idea either. It's much easier to say no now... as compared to a few months down the road when he is living with you.
bad idea. once he has his foot in the door he will never leave.
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Posting Junkie
Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: Washington, DC
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Originally Posted by goldenhorse
bad idea. once he has his foot in the door he will never leave.
Isn't that exactly what I just said?
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Professional Poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
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Just tell him you're gay. Since I told my best friend from high school he can barely stand to sit beside me .
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Mac Elite
Join Date: Sep 2000
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Any more developments on this, generationfourt?
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Forum Regular
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Beverly Hills
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Tell him the problem in a very generalized way. Tell him that you are very, very reluctant to link your financial future with anyone else's. Tell him that in life people often start off with great plans in getting married and then are screwed later because they attached themselves to someone else. Say that you need complete control over your life, and if you were going to have a rommate, you would demand three months rent up front to virtually ensure you won't take a loss.
Point out that if things don't work out job-wise with him, and your name is on the lease, you could easily wind up $3000 in debt. Say that it's nothing against him, but you don't want your future to be dependent or reliant on anyone else meeting their obligations.
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Forum Regular
Join Date: Jul 2006
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"I don't want to move in with you"
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Mac Enthusiast
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: OK
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Clearly, the time has come to fake your own death!
or gently tell him the truth.
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Clinically Insane
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: planning a comeback !
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Originally Posted by Salty
Just tell him you're gay. Since I told my best friend from high school he can barely stand to sit beside me .
Yeah, but what do you do if he suddenly comes out of the closet as well ?
-t
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