[CRASH HARDDRIVE]

Life sucks sometimes.

My older brother- out of the clear blue he came down with an illness earlier this year called Aplastic Anemia. Basically it�s a fairly rare disease that cripples the body�s ability to make white blood cells. There are some known causes, but in my bro�s case the actual cause is unknown.

I�ve been back and fourth across the country several times already this year to North Carolina where my bro was at Duke Uni Hospital- one of the best blood disease centers- so I could donate blood and recently give him a full blood marrow transplant. Things were looking up. The disease is curable via transplant and the transplant went very well. All we needed was time for the new cells to �take root� so to speak.

Anyhow, last Monday, things started to go south- my brother�s vital systems began to shut down due to an internal infection. With his own immune system all but gone and the transplanted cells not yet growing, that was not a good thing. Unfortunately he didn�t make it, and died Wednesday. He was only 35.

Sorry, I�m just venting I guess. I don�t usually like to share any truly private $hit here. But I guess it�s just extreme grief for my brother talking through me in this case� so whatever. I've been out of it since it happened. I�m profoundly sad, hurt, confused, stunned, angry, freaked out� in total shock and disbelief� a dozen different emotions at once, as anyone would feel I'm sure. It still hasn�t quite sunk in that I�ll never see him again- not in this life anyway. The entire thing, from the start of his illness until the end was so freakin� unexpected.

His death has hit me like a freight train- totally knocked the crap outta me. (And that�s hard to do, �cause as some may know I�m often completely full of crap.)

We�re about to fly back east to Virginia (where he�ll be buried), pay our last respects and all that. I�ll be staying out there for a bit to be with some of our family/friends on that coast. (I�ve put in a general request for none of that ultimate annoyance called snow, but it�s lookin� like I�m gonna be SOL on that)

All of this has just been a serious reminder for me, that $hit is unpredictable. Yeah I know, no $hit. But I�ve been really lucky- I�ve never lost anyone who was this close to me before. Cherish your family, friends and loved ones when you�re with them cause one minute they are here and the next maybe they aren�t. My brother was always so healthy, the last person in the world I�d have ever expected anything like this to happen to. He certainly didn't deserve any of this $hit. I may not be, but my brother was one of the nicest people you could ever imagine. Freakin� weird how things happen sometimes.
[end vent]

[Zimmerman]

I'm feel empathy and compassion for you dude. I have never gone through something like that, but I know what it could be like... I'm very sorry for your loss.

[Mastrap]

I'm at a loss of what to say - except how sorry I am about your loss. Coming face to face with mortality is always an extremely humbling experience.

I do hope that in time you'll be remembering your brother in affection and joy rather than sadness and mourning. Difficult as this might be to believe right now, your life does go on, needs to go on.

[MikeM33]

I kinda feel sometimes I had a shelterred life growing-up. Anyway my first "best friend" was my dog. My dog "Dingo" had to be put to sleep because he had a cancerous tunor in his neck. This was my first "close to home" experience with death. I know it's not like losing your own brother, but that's not all.

I'm the youngest of 4 siblings. I'm 34. My oldest brother is 52, my sister is 47 and my other brother is 44. My father and Mother were young during the early part of the 20th century with my father volunteering for the Army Air Corps during WW2.

In 1991 my Father died. He smoked all his life and it took it's toll on him. he was carrying an oxygen tank around in his last days. It sucked to see him like that.

I joined the US Navy the same summer and got out 2 yrs later.

My Mother was suffering from Lymphoma. She always complained that she had a "gamey" leg (or something like that). She went through Chemo and so on but it came back. She died shortly after I got out of the Navy and came home to her.

Since I'm the youngest of my siblings I also realize that I will (in all likelihood) see my brothers and sister pass away before I ever do.

I don't mean to sound insensitive about it, but death is a part of life. After seeing my parents go I realized that. I also know that I will definitely see my siblings go. It's sad but true.

Anyway my heart goes out to you. I'm deeply sorry for your loss, but try to look at it like this. They are a part of you now. Those whom you have lost have somehow contributed something to who you are. It's up to you now to carry some of what he was.

Its in this way that we never truly die.

MikeM

[philzilla]

dude... total sympathies

my brother has this muscle-wasting disease in his eyes, which means he'll be blind soon, and i'll have to look after him 24/7. i wasn't really looking forward to that, but... man.

like mastrap said: think of the good times. remember the dumb things you did together

good times, dude, good times. he'd want them good...

[roger_ramjet]

I'm truly sorry for your loss, Crash. You honor your brother with your words. 35 is awfully young. Was he married? Did he have any kids?

Originally posted by CRASH HARDDRIVE:

... Cherish your family, friends and loved ones when you're with them cause one minute they are here and the next maybe they aren't...

Yes, it's too bad that it sometimes takes a loss of this magnitude before we realize this. Maybe that's because we spend so much of our time running from death that we fail to appreciate how little time we all have on this spinning globe.

I don't know how religious you are but I'll say a prayer for you and your family this weekend.

[thePurpleGiant]

All the best bud. Don't force yourself to be 'happy' straight away if you're not...you're not supposed to be able to bounce back within a day, so don't expect to. It's okay to just reflect for a while, cry, think, be alone. That helps I think (in moderation). My father died when I was younger.

Don't feel bad that you're getting on with your life. When you go to do something you're scared of, or nervous about. Imagine him bored shitless watching over you, give him a good show to be proud of!

[Face Ache]

Sorry to hear about your bro' CRASH. Life (and death) sure can suck.

Luckily for you though, you're as tough as an old bull, ya bastard.

Originally posted by MikeM33:
Since I'm the youngest of my siblings I also realize that I will (in all likelihood) see my brothers and sister pass away before I ever do.

MikeM

Look on the bright side Mike. Maybe you'll go first.

[tintub]

I'm very sorry Crash. I'm still absolutely terrified by death and people dying.

Remember the good times! And don't hold back the tears. I have had people close to me die. It sounds corny, but he will always be with you.

[SimeyTheLimey]

I'm very sorry to hear about your Brother. I can only say that, based on my experience of losing my mother ten years ago, the pain does diminish over time. It never goes away entirely, and you wouldn't want it to, but it does get less wounding.

Best of luck.

[theolein]

I'm terribly sorry to read this. It's terrible. I know a little bit what it's like, lost quite a few close people in my life and it is bad. Give yourself time, lots of time and let it pass by gently. Don't suppress the hurt because that doesn't help. What Mastrap said about thinking about the good times is true. It helps to ease it over.

Wish you lot's of strength and may God be with you.

[Sarc]

my condolences to you, friend.
I hope you overcome this vacuum in time and only see that death is just a part of life.

[starman]

I'm very sorry to hear about that. Watching people waste away is the worst anyone can go through sometimes. Remember the good times!!

Mike

[keekeeree]

Sorry about you and your family's loss. I don't know what I'd do if I lost my brother...we're pretty close.

And don't be surprised if the grief lasts longer than you expect. I've been lucky in that the only person close to me that I've lost is a grandmother while I was in college. A year later when it became close to graduation, and I was sending out invitations, I drove a couple of hour up to her gravesite to give her an invitation. I sat in the middle of that cemetary talking to her and crying like a baby ...she absolutely loved her grandchildren and was alway super proud of any little thing we did (nothing was ever trivial to her). I knew she would have loved to be at my graduation, but in a way, I know she was there watching me walk across that stage.

[MPC]

Originally posted by CRASH HARDDRIVE:

I?ve been back and fourth across the country several times already this year to North Carolina where my bro was at Duke Uni Hospital- one of the best blood disease centers- so I could donate blood and recently give him a full blood marrow transplant. Things were looking up. The disease is curable via transplant and the transplant went very well. All we needed was time for the new cells to ?take root? so to speak.

Sorry to hear about your brother, I just lost my grandpa a few months ago and understand your pain. Take comfort in the fact your brother recognized what you went through to help him. I'm sure he realized how much you loved him to go through such lengths to help him. I wish you and your family the best of luck under such tragic circumstances.

[DBursey]

My condolences, Crash.

While 35 is much too young to be taken, I'm sure he lived a very worthy life in those years. Keep his spirit alive with your memories of good times. The sadness will ease with time.

[macvillage.net]

Sorry to hear that

[Sig off in respect.]

[MPC]

Could we get a Paypal account going to send Crash and his family some flowers? Would anyone be willing to set this up? I would contribute 5 or 10 bucks.

[finboy]

Man, my sympathy is with you and your family.

One thing that helped me through the death of my grandparents was to write down my thoughts when I got upset or sad about it. After ten years, though, it still hurts to think of it, but I have a record of my memories and feelings that helps me remember.

[cjrivera]

I'm sorry to hear about our tragic loss.
My sympathies go out to you and your family.

[DNA man]

I am sorry to hear of your loss.

Life can be really very cruel sometimes to people.

[wdlove]

I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your brother Crash. My prayer goes out to your brothers soul and that god will comfort you and your family.

[Vanquish]

my condolences

[zigzag]

Same here. I'm sorry to hear about your brother but glad you posted the "rant." Best to your family.

[sambeau]

I learned a few important things when my son died..

A big life can be very short.

The dead don't take their love with them in the same way that they don't recall all the birthday presents they gave you when they were alive.

Not every death is a tragedy and not every life is wonderful. But a wonderful life no matter how it ends and no matter how short it was is never a tragedy. We all have to die.

You won't forget the good stuff, so don't worry that you will.
You are supposed to forget the bad stuff - so don't dwell on it.

Don't build any shrines - they will end up ruling your life - but a secret box full of memories and smells is a good place to shed some tears once in a while.

Don't let him only be talked about in hushed tones. Keep him alive and talk about him like you did before. Try to laugh when you talk about him. And, If he liked a joke, don't forget to include him in the jokes. It's not disrespectful - it just keeps him who he was.

Never say, "why me". Just say "why not me". No matter how bad it seems, there are still other people going through worse. Count your blessings.

Live life to the full. Don't stop enjoying things. Appreciate the things that he is going to miss now that he is dead even more because he probably didn't want to give them up. The sun, the rain, trees, candy, a laugh, a movie. Anything. He wouldn't want your life ruined just because he isn't here anymore.

The pain does go away, I promise. But expect your grief to last a year. And grief is an illness so treat yourself gently. Keeping busy is better than sitting alone and dwelling on it.

Appreciate those you still have.

[l'ignorante]

My condolences.
I'm impressed with your thoughts, keep it up.

[OldManMac]

My condolences on the loss of your brother!

[thunderous_funker]

What a terrible thing. Just terrible.

My heartfelt sympathy to you and your family. I hope you find a way of coping with this as quickly as possible so you can continue to enjoy your life and loved ones.

You sound like you're on your way already. Your strength is admirable.

It's touching that you'd share such a private tragedy with us here and take a moment to remind us all of what's really important in life. I'm grateful to you for that.

Best wishes.

[digimage]

I'm very sorry for your loss, Crash.

[snotnose]

damn, sorry to hear that. life is completely unpredictable...

[daimoni]

.

[willed]

I'm sorry. Reminds us all to live every day like it's our last, as it could be.

[3gg3]

Originally posted by daimoni:
.. I can tell you really loved your brother.

Amen! I echo this, and the rest of Dai's post. Your courage and sacrifice for your brother are equally reflected in your bone marrow donation and your posted thoughts. Thank you for sharing, CRASH.

[rampant]

Damn, I don't know what the hell I'd do if I lost my brother. Too bad.

[xtal]

I'm sorry for your loss.

Take the time to share a laugh with friends and family about something silly you two shared.

Take care.

[agentz]

Sorry to hear that CRASH.

Regards.

[chris v]

There's not any platitudes I could write on the internet to make you feel better.

Grieve. Carry him in your heart, and keep going on. Most of all, hang in there.

Truly sorry to hear this, it's always hell to go through.

Chris

[Severed Hand of Skywalker]

That is sad crash, I am sorry to hear that.

[BlackGriffen]

I... I don't know what to say. It was a scant few months ago when I was in a similar situation, and despite my experience, I'm still at a loss for words.

It.....

You're.....

Aw, hell, just remember you have friends and family who love you, and that your brother lives on in your heart.

I'd like to tell you that things get back to normal, but I can't. Your world will never be the same. That doesn't mean that your world will always be dark, indeed I am certain that your brother wouldn't want it that way.

I'd better shut up, now, because I came dangerously close to putting my foot in my mouth there, despite my best intentions.

Sincerest Condolences,

The Black Griffen

[roger_ramjet]

Originally posted by BlackGriffen:

... I'd like to tell you that things get back to normal, but I can't. Your world will never be the same. That doesn't mean that your world will always be dark, indeed I am certain that your brother wouldn't want it that way...

My sister once told me about a woman she knew from church who had lost her husband. She said that her life never returned to normal but in time she found a new normal. I think that's a good way to put it.

[BlackGriffen]

Originally posted by roger_ramjet:
My sister once told me about a woman she knew from church who had lost her husband. She said that her life never returned to normal but in time she found a new normal. I think that's a good way to put it.

Well said. Thank you.

BG

[Cipher13]

Crash, you have my deepest sympathy. I can't imagine what it feels like, and nothing I say will make you feel better any quicker; as has been said, remember the good times.

You'll feel better in time. Our hearts are with you.

[CRASH HARDDRIVE]

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone... your thoughts/comments/advice mean a great deal to me. My sincerest thanks.

That�s one of the reasons I like this place so much... lots of great people here.

My family and I are working through this... it's of course good to have everyone around to be there for each other. My main concern has been my parents, especially my mom who is truly grief stricken in a way I can't even comprehend. But it's good for her to have so many family and friends around.

My brother does leave behind his wife and their 10 year old son, my nephew. Quite a difficult thing for them, and of course my concern for them has been immense. Of course they'll always have the full support of our entire family and friends and are thus far taking things as well as could be expected.

Sambeau, my heart goes out to you, yours is a loss I can't even imagine. Your strength in dealing with such a loss I take as an example of how one can overcome great tragedy.

Finboy, yes I agree, writing things down is a big help- something I've always done as well.

BlackGriffen, I remember you sharing your loss a few months back- and feeling saddened for you then. Seems you are talking things as well as anyone could expect to, which gives me much hope.

Thanks again, very much to everyone.

[The Mick]

Crash, my condolences to you, your family and your brother's wife and child. I am sad to hear of your loss, but keep your chin up and your spirits high. There will be better days ahead, and your hurt will heal with time.

[Timo]

Sincerest condolences, Crash.

A number of folks around here have lost close family members. I'm sure any of them would be happy to share any insights--like sambeau's. Of course, at time appropriate for such.

sambeau nice post and rog, the "new normal" is my experience too

[davesimondotcom]

Crash -

My sympathies for your families loss.

I don't know what else to say. Losing someone suddenly just sucks.

sambeau - your post was meaningful and thoughtful

[denim]

Originally posted by CRASH HARDDRIVE:
[end vent]

You're entitled. I'm very sorry for your loss. May you heal and be stronger soon.