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Ever win someone back?
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knifecarrier2
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Mar 31, 2012, 06:32 PM
 
I broke up with my gf about 1.5 months ago because I just got sick of the ups and downs, constant bickering, etc. It just wore me down to the point where I didn't care... but the ****ed up thing is that once I was away and had time to think, I realized all the awesome things about her that I kind of took for granted. There are other girls around... but I'm not really interested in any of them at all.

We were still talking all the time, and when she wanted to start seeing me, I stupidly, STUPIDLY decided to play the "hard to catch" angle where you don't make yourself too available, or too excited to see each other. Why? I have no idea, but that backfired. Lately, we've been drifting apart, so I broke down and told her everything. Turns out she started dating some ******** like 2 weeks ago, and she's choosing this path instead of giving me another chance.

****.

Have any of you successfully won someone back? I think we had a great thing, but my past and some other bullshit ****ed up my priorities to the point where I threw her away like a parking ticket. So now I'm stuck between thinking about her with some asshole, hating myself for dumping her in the first place, and regretting not telling her my true feelings a few weeks ago.

Am I completely wasting my time here? Should I just start dating other girls, even though I have no desire to?
( Last edited by knifecarrier2; Apr 1, 2012 at 01:09 PM. )
     
Waragainstsleep
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Mar 31, 2012, 07:07 PM
 
How best to get past it is a question best answered by you. Its important to do something to stop yourself dwelling on things too much but I gather some people kickstart that process with meaningless sex and others prefer to use other methods before looking for something more long-term to replace what they're missing. Maybe take some time off and get a change of scenery or something.

Maybe I'm only saying these things because I'm currently watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I'm categorically not an expert on these things.
I have plenty of more important things to do, if only I could bring myself to do them....
     
rambo47
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Mar 31, 2012, 07:50 PM
 
In my experience you don't "win them back." The decision has to come from her. The best you can do is let her know you want to try again, but that you understand if she's going in a different direction. Keep a stiff upper lip, let her know you still care, and then back off. That's the hardest thing to do, but coming on too strong now will only drive her farther away. The other disaster in the making is to play any kind of games, like trying to make her jealous by being with another girl and "showing up" where she and new guy just happen to be. You don't have to be a monk or anything, but avoid creating awkward situations. And if one of those awkward situations arises, be a gentleman, say hi, and then leave quietly. It's a long slow road back, and it doesn't always work out. But the other way (smothering, playing games, etc) almost NEVER works out.
     
Spheric Harlot
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Mar 31, 2012, 07:55 PM
 
Isn't this thread a duplicate of the one we had after your divorce?

I'm no closer to having a useful answer for you than I was then, I'm afraid.
     
knifecarrier2  (op)
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Mar 31, 2012, 09:21 PM
 
Yeah the thing is, this is 1000000% my fault. The divorce was just a messy shitball of crap. I dumped her... and it was SO dumb in retrospect. I was sick of the drama, and just wanted to "unplug" and recenter myself. I went out with some of my friends, but we kept in contact. We talked about meeting up. We flirted via text. we web chatted. And now ... nothing. She is gorgeous, intelligent, thoughtful, passionate, and so much fun to be around. What the **** was I thinking?
     
imitchellg5
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Mar 31, 2012, 09:56 PM
 
It is entirely possible to get back together. My girlfriend broke up with me in September and we got back together in December and it's been fantastic since then.

The best way to get back together is to be yourself. That's incredibly cliche, I know. But you absolutely cannot try to force her to get back with you. It has to be her own decision and you have to respect whatever she decides. And, based upon your opinion of her new boyfriend, you don't exactly respect her decisions.
     
besson3c
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Mar 31, 2012, 09:56 PM
 
You are going to hate me for saying this Rob, but I will shoot straight with you since you seem to be looking for genuine heartfelt advice.

You come across as an insecure person.

I say that because you seem hell bent on changing people's minds in here, and you seem to take it as a personal affront when people don't agree with you. Some might say that this is because you are passionate and opinionated, but I disagree, I think this is because you are insecure. Somebody who is passionate and knows they are right about something doesn't need for the rest of the world to see that they are right, they can be comfortable with just knowing this themselves, and they can walk away from people being unreasonable without considering this an attack on their beliefs that requires confrontation.

Maybe this is something you consider weak, maybe you think inviting confrontation is a sign of strength, but I think it's often a sign of insecurity. You don't have to be considered right all of the time, no matter how strongly you believe you are right, and you don't seem like the kind of person at all interested in being wrong either. To me, acknowledging that you are wrong about something is a sign of strength, not of weakness.

My point in saying all of this is not to gang up on you and make you feel bad, I don't have a problem with you (I often don't like your style of confrontation around here and find your theories about the mods disliking strong personalities on here silly, but I don't wish for you to be banned). My point is that if I were you, I'd reflect on all of this and concentrate on making yourself a better person based on these experiences. Take a long hard look at these experiences and yourself, and don't come up with bullshit rationalizations. I'm not suggesting you were wrong, that there needs to be a score assigned to your level of wrongness or rightness, because none of this matters now, but you can learn this for next time without dwelling on the he said she said stuff.

I think that the question is not "how do I win her back", but "how do I make myself a better person so that I don't have these same sort of problems in my next relationship, be it with her or anybody else".

Maybe your attraction to her is precisely because you see her as having personal skills that you yourself lack, and you feel like you need to be with her to be a better person yourself. You don't need to be with her necessarily to learn the sort of lessons she has to offer you.

I would say in as kind a way as possible that based on your persona here that there are things about you that can use some work. There are things about all of us that can use some work, it's just that your things just happen to be more evident based on your behavior and interactions here. If you can't be semi-civil with virtual people when you disagree over some things, I can only imagine how things fare when people wind you up in real life.
     
Tiresias
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Apr 1, 2012, 11:54 AM
 
Be careful.

A woman can become attractive after you break up with her simply because she is no longer accessible to you. But once you get back together, you remember why you broke up and she no longer seems attractive.

The Koreans have an expression for this treacherous paradox. They call it, "Gazing at the moon."

From afar, the moon is an object of ethereal beauty but, as you get closer, it is revealed to be cratered and pock-marked.

For me, that is a useful analogy.

In the early stages, the honeymoon stage, you are gazing at the moon from afar. And then you get closer to each other and your idealized image is slowly replaced by another image replete with all the quirks, flaws and imperfections that he or she has grown tired of hiding from you and which, once the passion has begun to cool, you are also less likely to overlook.

And, in a last twist of the knife, once the relationship is over, and that certain, insufferable someone is really leaving you, sailing off into an unknown future in which you will have no part, isn't it always the case that they suddenly, momentarily, appear to you under that aspect that first drew you to them? Isn't there always a final, disconcerting pang as you watch them board the bus or plane or climb into that inexorable taxi with their suitcase, a parting blow to your certainty that you are doing the right thing?

Don't you love her madly when she's walking out the door?

And so you almost kill yourself trying to win her back—and do win her back—only to find yourself gazing regretfully at her puffy eyes and cracked lips the following morning feeling precisely the way you felt when you broke up with her.
     
knifecarrier2  (op)
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Apr 1, 2012, 01:03 PM
 
Originally Posted by imitchellg5 View Post
It is entirely possible to get back together. My girlfriend broke up with me in September and we got back together in December and it's been fantastic since then.

The best way to get back together is to be yourself. That's incredibly cliche, I know. But you absolutely cannot try to force her to get back with you. It has to be her own decision and you have to respect whatever she decides. And, based upon your opinion of her new boyfriend, you don't exactly respect her decisions.
I get it... but it's hard to be yourself and act like a friend when she's "with" someone else. The thought makes my skin crawl. And.. if they did date for a few months... would you even want her back? It's kind of gross, no? I don't know.
     
knifecarrier2  (op)
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Apr 1, 2012, 01:10 PM
 
Besson: I dunno. Maybe. I consider myself pretty confident, and in real life I am not as much of an asshole, but I would like to point out your image of me is probably not actually me. As in, because I have a reputation for being a prick, people take everything the wrong way when in fact I've become pretty chill in my advanced age.

But about improving yourself... yeah. I actually signed up to go to a therapist, first appt is this week. My divorce was extremely hard on me, and I dated another girl for a few weeks, and then found Sarah a few months after that. I didn't really have enough time after my divorce to completely heal, so for the longest time while we were dating I had put up an emotional wall, because I was afraid of getting hurt. It's shitty... but once I unplugged/dumped her, had some time to myself, thought about life, my future, all that stuff, my wall got smaller and smaller... so I was honest and told her how I felt, but now she's dating some guy already. It's just so ****ed up because we were flirting and I thought things were going the right way. I thought we were getting back together... just taking it slow so we didn't make the same mistakes.
     
Spheric Harlot
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Apr 1, 2012, 01:26 PM
 
Originally Posted by knifecarrier2 View Post
I actually signed up to go to a therapist, first appt is this week.
...finally...!

     
Spheric Harlot
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Apr 1, 2012, 01:58 PM
 
     
PB2K
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Apr 1, 2012, 03:55 PM
 
You need that bottle of Jack I advised a hundred threads ago.

( You will have a hard time finding a soulmate if you won't be yourself, because it's not you and therefore not 'honest'. I'm sure playing around will work with no one. Therefore I think winning back someone who initially trusted you is not a good idea. Accept your loss, drink the Jack. Try dating again when you feel organized.
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knifecarrier2  (op)
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Apr 1, 2012, 04:10 PM
 
I did that. I've done nothign but get drunk for months. It doesn't help. I just wake up feeling worse.
     
besson3c
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Apr 1, 2012, 04:25 PM
 
I kind of have problems with the "just be yourself" advice, in general.

Yes, you should never, ever act like somebody else, or behave in any sort of insincere way, but sometimes there are events which can create significant changes in one's life. When one changes their behavior unconsciously or intentionally as a result of these events and what was learned from them, it will probably seem to others that the person is not "being themselves". It may seem to that person that he/she is not being themselves.

The trick, I guess, is to know the difference between these real changes and what brings them about as opposed to the pretend acting stuff, or false belief in some sort of epiphany which may take years to fully process.

So, in summary, I'd say that you should always "be yourself", but with the caveat that "yourself" is not necessarily a static thing, nor should you force it to be. I think one should try to be more conscious of the changes in themselves and what was brought them about, and one should give themselves time to fully process stuff.
     
Spheric Harlot
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Apr 1, 2012, 05:22 PM
 
I'm reminded of the old adage:

Men love women for what they are.
Women love men for their potential.

The problem is that women change, and men don't.




(therapy notwithstanding, of course. Even men can learn.)
     
PB2K
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Apr 1, 2012, 07:18 PM
 
You're supposed to drink A bottle of Jack's and get over it

But I understand you feel completely lost. i think you will feel better after two bottles of Jack's.
After you are fed up with jack's, you should not remember this woman.



I think you need to refind yourself. A forum as this is a beaut in social community, but will lack miserably when you need an answer to who you are and what you need. Travel. Drink. Eat. Dance. Live.
( Last edited by PB2K; Apr 1, 2012 at 07:34 PM. )
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knifecarrier2  (op)
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Apr 1, 2012, 08:35 PM
 
I don't want to do any of those things without her. ****ity **** ****.
     
Salty
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Apr 1, 2012, 08:37 PM
 
I broke up with one guy who really liked me. He also never showed up when he said he would and left me hanging all the time. I was miserable when I wasn't with him and half the time I was mad at him when we were together ... sometimes I still lay awake at night and think it would be nice to have him there. But I know it wouldn't be.

If you broke up with her, there was a reason. While you were apart, she might have realized that however much she liked some parts of you there were things about you she doesn't really want.

Try and find someone who wants you as you are, because you're not going to change.
     
knifecarrier2  (op)
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Apr 1, 2012, 11:30 PM
 
I am going to change. I am not just a lump of steel that is not able to decide it's own future, or how to act. Certain attributes will always be present, but I am NOT static. I'm not the person I was 10 years ago, 5 years ago, or even 1 year ago.
     
besson3c
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Apr 1, 2012, 11:42 PM
 
Originally Posted by Salty View Post
Try and find someone who wants you as you are, because you're not going to change.
The former, yes, the latter, I think, is just lazy and defeatist when one sticks to this as a general rule that applies to all facets of who we are.

Yes, there are things about all of us that are not going to change no matter how much we want them to, and there are things about us that we should not feel compelled to change, but I don't buy this premise that we are static beings incapable of epiphanies and life altering events.

We can change many things about ourselves, it's about desire and how we go about doing this.
     
Waragainstsleep
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Apr 2, 2012, 04:35 AM
 
Tell that to Dr. House.
I have plenty of more important things to do, if only I could bring myself to do them....
     
PB2K
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Apr 2, 2012, 11:02 AM
 
Cash I think we can all relate to your feelings in a more or less kind of way and the best way to get over is to find another. But in your case you've tried it once and hit your nose. The result is you feel miserable because of two women. So I suggest you skip the women for a while, it gives many liberties that bachelors enjoy like a deteriorated hygiene, lots of alcohol and fun with friends. Once you have the beard, the beer belly, and lots of invitations to parties, you can consider yourself cured and look back at this sad period as a waste of time.
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andi*pandi
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Apr 2, 2012, 11:06 AM
 
If she is more into this guy she's known for two weeks than you, I'm not sure you want her back. Maybe she's just saying she's dating this guy to teach you a lesson, maybe she's hurt and wants you to try harder, or maybe she's so over your bullsh!t.

Good luck with the life journey, we all learn lessons along the way.
     
besson3c
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Apr 2, 2012, 01:59 PM
 
I hope this guy doesn't drive an SUV.
     
boy8cookie
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Apr 2, 2012, 03:24 PM
 
Maybe you should try men.
     
d4nth3m4n
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Apr 2, 2012, 07:38 PM
 
I have. In retrospect, it was hardly a win. Should have left well enough alone.
     
knifecarrier2  (op)
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Apr 2, 2012, 08:50 PM
 
That's what's so ****ed. Whenever we talk she seems like if this dude wasn't around, we could date. I know she still cares about me. But the fact she chooses to keep ****ing him over even giving me a chance... just... what the **** kind of person would I be to consider this? I am trying so hard to make her happy, but ultimately could I even respect myself for choosing someone who did that to me? I don't know. ****. This whole situation is screwed. Time to get drunk and find some random broads, even though I have no interest in them whatsoever. God dammit.
     
besson3c
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Apr 3, 2012, 12:15 AM
 
Maybe you should send her a barbershop quartet?
     
Shaddim
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Apr 3, 2012, 03:10 AM
 
Originally Posted by knifecarrier2 View Post
Yeah the thing is, this is 1000000% my fault. The divorce was just a messy shitball of crap. I dumped her... and it was SO dumb in retrospect. I was sick of the drama, and just wanted to "unplug" and recenter myself. I went out with some of my friends, but we kept in contact. We talked about meeting up. We flirted via text. we web chatted. And now ... nothing. She is gorgeous, intelligent, thoughtful, passionate, and so much fun to be around. What the **** was I thinking?
Try telling her that, with flowers, maybe while crawling.

If that doesn't work try the Lloyd Dobler/boombox thing.
"Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it."
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Apr 3, 2012, 05:02 AM
 
Originally Posted by Shaddim View Post
… maybe while crawling.
You should never, ever, ever do that, she will lose all respect for you as a man.
Originally Posted by knifecarrier2 View Post
That's what's so ****ed. Whenever we talk she seems like if this dude wasn't around, we could date. I know she still cares about me. But the fact she chooses to keep ****ing him over even giving me a chance... just... what the **** kind of person would I be to consider this?
As I see it, you have two choices: either you decide for yourself not to play that game, then you should just take a distance and not let her get close to you. That may mean, you have to resist temptation if she makes advances.

Or if you decide to try and get back together, I would also recommend you withdraw and let her make the choice in time. Don't pressure her, don't talk things to death. You broke up with her and thus bear primary responsibility for this mess. You have to own your mistakes and be a man. I don't know how you act in real life, but if I extrapolate from the persona you are on these forums, I think you may have a tendency to pester her and get on her nerves.
Originally Posted by knifecarrier2 View Post
Time to get drunk and find some random broads, even though I have no interest in them whatsoever. God dammit.
If you have that little interest in patching things up, better to call it off now than to eff up the situation even more.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
     
Shaddim
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Apr 3, 2012, 05:30 AM
 
Originally Posted by OreoCookie View Post
You should never, ever, ever do that, she will lose all respect for you as a man.
I was being facetious. However, he's been such an ass that at this point it probably couldn't hurt.
"Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it."
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PB2K
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Apr 3, 2012, 07:14 AM
 
I think crawling for her while being drunk and sobbing will not help either. Especially not when you do it in public.

but hey, it might work in a cellar. where there is a dog house with your name on it
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OreoCookie
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Apr 3, 2012, 07:19 AM
 
Originally Posted by Shaddim View Post
I was being facetious. However, he's been such an ass that at this point it probably couldn't hurt.
I kinda figured, it was »sudo rm -rf /«-type of advice, but I wasn't sure.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
     
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Apr 3, 2012, 08:57 AM
 
Originally Posted by OreoCookie View Post
»sudo rm -rf /«-type of advice
I like this phrase.
     
Tiresias
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Apr 3, 2012, 11:18 AM
 
Originally Posted by OreoCookie View Post
You should never, ever, ever do that, she will lose all respect for you as a man.
Groveling is very effective, actually, but you have to do it with a certain panache.

Lie face down on the floor at her feet and tell her that you are a repulsive little maggot who is unworthy of being crushed under the heel of her boot.
     
PB2K
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Apr 3, 2012, 11:56 AM
 
I want to add that she will be in the position to make demands, like licking her shiny, high heel pumps.
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knifecarrier2  (op)
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Apr 3, 2012, 11:22 PM
 
I'm done. She's insane.
     
Demonhood
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Apr 4, 2012, 11:47 AM
 
The catchall excuse that immature men use to avoid taking any responsibility.*

If we tallied up the amount of women that some ex has labeled as insane/crazy, it'd be 90% of the female population.




*Some are actually crazy, but it's rare.
     
The Final Dakar
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Apr 4, 2012, 11:50 AM
 
Originally Posted by Demonhood View Post
If we tallied up the amount of women that some ex has labeled as insane/crazy, it'd be 90% of the female population.
Isn't there a significant segment of the male population that labels the entire opposite gender as just that?
     
MacinTommy
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Apr 4, 2012, 11:58 AM
 
Originally Posted by knifecarrier2 View Post
I'm done. She's insane.
I've found this about most females.

Once, I won a girl for the night by playing rock-paper-scissors.. it was fun for a while until I realized she was a clinger.

She is now married to the friend who lost. Paper beats rock. Crazy beats all.
     
imitchellg5
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Apr 4, 2012, 12:13 PM
 
Originally Posted by MacinTommy View Post
I've found this about most females.

Once, I won a girl for the night by playing rock-paper-scissors.. it was fun for a while until I realized she was a clinger.
So she was a piece of property for you to win by chance? No wonder you think all women are insane...
     
MacinTommy
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Apr 4, 2012, 12:35 PM
 
Originally Posted by imitchellg5 View Post
So she was a piece of property for you to win by chance? No wonder you think most women are insane...
Fixed.

And yes, it's basically the same as two guys fighting over a girl... but there was no physical interaction with this situation. #college
     
osiris
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Apr 4, 2012, 12:38 PM
 
No, I don't grovel - especially to women, high school crap be damned.
Usually things work out naturally, and if it doesn't, it wasn't meant to be.
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Apr 4, 2012, 05:51 PM
 
I expect it varies from woman to woman. There are some who want you to show some humility before they'll forgive you, others just want you to tell them what they want and what they should do. Misjudging one type for the other will not end well.

You might think she is insane for torturing you by being with the other bloke, but you dumped her remember. There will be an element of petty revenge in there somewhere, there might also be an element of testing you to see if you really have learned your lesson or that you really do want her back and for the long term. She might even be looking for a sign that you don't just want her because you can't have her.
I'm led to believe that behaviour is very common.

Its difficult to give any specific opinion or guidance without knowing more about you and her and how you both tink or operate, just don't forget to consider your own behaviour when you are analysing hers. There is also the possibility that she has been given some preposterous, misinformed or misguided advice by a girlfriend, family member, agony aunt or internet forum.
I have plenty of more important things to do, if only I could bring myself to do them....
     
knifecarrier2  (op)
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Apr 4, 2012, 05:51 PM
 
It seems like when you pull away, they say WAIT WAIT WAIT, but when you want them, they are all "sorry too busy/got this guy". What the ****. I'm just going to try to be a good, calm person, and not try to make anything happen.
     
knifecarrier2  (op)
Baninated
Join Date: Mar 2012
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Apr 5, 2012, 12:39 AM
 
Originally Posted by Waragainstsleep View Post
I expect it varies from woman to woman. There are some who want you to show some humility before they'll forgive you, others just want you to tell them what they want and what they should do. Misjudging one type for the other will not end well.

You might think she is insane for torturing you by being with the other bloke, but you dumped her remember. There will be an element of petty revenge in there somewhere, there might also be an element of testing you to see if you really have learned your lesson or that you really do want her back and for the long term. She might even be looking for a sign that you don't just want her because you can't have her.
I'm led to believe that behaviour is very common.

Its difficult to give any specific opinion or guidance without knowing more about you and her and how you both tink or operate, just don't forget to consider your own behaviour when you are analysing hers. There is also the possibility that she has been given some preposterous, misinformed or misguided advice by a girlfriend, family member, agony aunt or internet forum.
She's definitely not the latter. Yeah, I did dump her... but we were reconnecting, and one minute she's sending me naked photos of herself and we are talking for HOURS about how we would take it slow and what to improve our relationship... then literally 5 days later she's out with this guy, and now he's her "boyfriend". Despite this, we talk on the phone late at night for hours about our relationship, she can't stop being angry (and rightfully so over certain things that I regret, mainly that I did not appreciate her), and she got totally insane when I wanted to cut her off completely. So then, I mentioned that I'm going on some dates, and she's all salty about that. What the ****!? SHE HAS A GOD DAMN BOYFRIEND. Why the hell should she be salty if I'm seeing anybody... ESPECIALLY because I'd rather NOT see any of these girls, I'd rather go out with her! This does not make any sense to me.
     
Shaddim
Clinically Insane
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: 46 & 2
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Apr 5, 2012, 01:29 AM
 
Stop calling her, stop talking to her, go about your life. If she wants you she'll come back around.
"Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it."
- Thomas Paine
     
Waragainstsleep
Posting Junkie
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: UK
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Apr 5, 2012, 05:34 AM
 
Or tell her that you don't want to go out with anyone else but since you apparently can't have her then what choice do you have? And tell her she can do something about it if she doesn't like it.
I have plenty of more important things to do, if only I could bring myself to do them....
     
knifecarrier2  (op)
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Apr 5, 2012, 06:40 PM
 
She claims I'm just not ready to date anybody else.... yet she's talking to me 3 hours a night for the past 3 nights, talking about our feelings for each other, and how upset she is but also how much she misses me.

WTF.

She started seeing him less than a week after wanting me to come over! Her current relationship is a textbook definition of "rebound".
     
 
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