[Krusty]

Well, I just ended a year and half relationship with a woman 6 years my junior (not too heart-rending for either of us .. we'd grown pretty distant over the last 6 months ... still friends and all that). Anyway, I'd like to hear some of your thoughts on dating when the age difference is significant. I'll go first:

17-18: a few dates with girls my same age.
18-24: dated a woman my same age
24-25: briefly dated a couple of people approximately my same age
25-27: dated a woman my same age
28-30: dated a woman 16 years older (44 when we started, but she'd led a very healthy life ... seriously looked like she was in her lower 30's)
31-32: dated a woman 6-7 years younger (24 when we started, 26 now)

Strangely, the older woman (who was recently divorced after 16yrs marriage) was far crazier and youthful acting than I expected (getting wasted, skinny dipping in the ocean, and *cough* other stuff that I didn't expect). Also, I expected from her age (and career status) that she'd have been much more independent minded. She ended up being the most "submissive" person I ever dated (ie. she treated me like I was some sort of final authority and voluntarily did domestic chores for me (cooking and laundry) .. which I thought was very weird ... I'd never had, expected, or wanted anything like that from others I'd dated). The younger woman was surprisingly set in her ways .. very much clinging to her habits for the entire time we dated. She had her job and a couple of SERIOUS hobbies (sports related) that seemed to be the only things she ever wanted to do. Any time gaps were filled with TV watching. I was amazed that not-long-outta-college gal seemed so totally against branching out and trying new things.

Anyway, those last two are what kinda threw me for a loop. What I expected was almost 180 degrees off from how they actually ended up being. All in all, an eye-opening learning experience that, after some certain age, people's personal traits really seem start overriding age related tendencies.


So after the long preface:
1) What's the greatest age gap between you and someone you've dated ?
2) Have you developed any stereotypes or general opinions about men and women of different ages ?
3) If you have dated someone that substantially younger or older, did you find anything especially difficult about it ? Did you fall into any age related "roles" (eg a much younger person dating a much older person where the older acts somewhat like the "parent" .. paying for everything, admonishing the younger's behavior, etc).
4) Have you found that you feel more comfortable around mates of a certain age and is that age significantly different than yours ? Or have you always liked people of a certain age ? (eg, you're a 40 year old man who's been dating 25 year olds since YOU were 25)?
5) Has your attitudes about dating people significantly older or younger changed as you've gotten older ? (I'd never CONSIDERED anyone more than 18 months older or younger until I dated the much older woman ... thought it was just too strange).
6) Do you have any kind of personal "formula" or limits on the age of people you date? What's "too young" or "too old" ? Do you generally think its better to be with someone within X years of your own age?
7) Did you ever have a relationship end SPECIFICALLY because of issues related to the age difference ??

I'm just curious what other people think and what experiences you've had (or are currently having).

[davidflas]

I've mostly dated women who are the same age as I am or within 5 years on the younger side. I'm currently talking online with a woman who is 45 (I'm 31) She looks and acts like she's my age, but I'm dealing with some age anxiety... Silly me!! I think that if two people can be happy, age shouldn't be an issue as along as everybody is of legal age.. I too look forward to hearing about the experiances of others.

[L'enfanTerrible]

Originally posted by Krusty:
... still friends and all that.

I've been there, let me tell you...

I dated a girl who was a few years older (I was 18 she was 21)..
I've only had 1 relationship that lasted more than 2 months, and she is roughly 9 months older than I.

I met a woman on an airplane who was around 50, and she was very vibrant and energetic. We talked about raves and the club scene and it was a great conversation. She looked great too. It changed my opinions about older women (who look good) I have a crush on Meredith Viera.

as far as the formula goes, I think its: (your age)/2+7= the youngest you should go.. but I think that stops working at around 24 or so.

{edit: thats just too many winks.. they look different in text format}

[Krusty]

yeah, I've always heard that formula too .. for me that means 32/2 + 7 = 23. Somehow that just doesn't seem right. Most 23 year-olds I've met recently still seem too young ... like 90% of what I find interesting about them is their looks.

BTW, flas ... 31 to 45 sounds like it could work out fine. Honestly though, it took me about 6-8 weeks before I stopped feeling paranoid whenever we went out (like ... everyone was looking at this older lady and her "boy toy"). The relationship ended for career reasons (mine was starting to take off and I was getting far more serious about it) ... otherwise, it didn't end for any age reasons.

[jcadam]

My wife is two years older than me.


I know that doesn't count

[cheerios]

Juan's 13 months older than me, and that's as far a gap as I've ever had. But I don't have enough experience to really say, truthfully. :shrug: That's one of those things that REALLY depends on maturity levels, when you're young, and on experience when you get older. And a lot on personality... I'm betting it'll be different for everyone.

[davidflas]

Young women are very cute, I just started a new job today and there are a few that I noticed. On the other hand I've come to to point in my life where I want more than that. I really am looking for a woman that attracts my physically and one that I can relate too. Who else understands what I'm talking about?

[davidflas]

Originally posted by Krusty:

BTW, flas ... 31 to 45 sounds like it could work out fine. Honestly though, it took me about 6-8 weeks before I stopped feeling paranoid whenever we went out (like ... everyone was looking at this older lady and her "boy toy"). The relationship ended for career reasons (mine was starting to take off and I was getting far more serious about it) ... otherwise, it didn't end for any age reasons.

That's my feeling too, Krusty I have a good feeling about how things between Sonja and I will turn out. Thanks for the encouragement. Now I'd best stop posting to this thread before someone accuses me of post count inflation....

[Krusty]

See, I think I know what you're saying cheerios .. but I definitely think its has its limits based on life stage as well. I've gathered from reading some of your posts that your in college ... i think in-school vs not-in-school makes a huge difference as well. I absolutely never even imagined dating someone in the "real world" when I was in college (they were all so close-minded, money-oriented, and DULL seeming). So in that sense I was sorta defacto limiting myself to other college kids.

BTW, I AM post-count inflating .. been stuck at "senior member" forever ... what do I get for 250 ??

[MikeM33]

Older women are great, but never date an older woman who happens to be married and happens to be your boss

MikeM32

[TNproud2b]

I'm 36, I date women that are 25 or under mostly. Women over 30 just don't appeal to me. In my mind I'm still a teenager.

There's a reason that women over 35 have a slim-to-none chance of marriage. Guys like me.

No problems so far, other than a little awkwardness when meeting their parents (who usually aren't much older than me).

[Krusty]

So, that brings up a question Mike33. Even though she was your boss on the job, how was the relationship? Was she the "boss" in it as well or did roles change any when you left work ?

[OwlBoy]

Sigh, beggers can't be choosers when it comes to me .

-Owl

[Krusty]

No kidding TN, meeting my 24 year old girlfriend's parents the first time was extremely nerve-wracking to put it mildly. You could see the "you're only dating my daughter for one reason" look in her dad's eyes. Also, I was 31 and had been a full fledged "grown up" for a long time ... it was weird when we went out to dinner and it came time to pay. I usually paid for me and my g-friend, her folks usually paid for her. So, was I lumped in as another kid (like most people she'd dated before) or as an adult? It played out differently a couple of different times we went out ... VERY uncomfortable.

[7Macfreak]

the 40 yr old woman(doesnt look 40, at all) i was going out with until this morning, just(bout an hour i guess) ripped my heart and used it to smoke pot. anyone know how long it takes before you stop bleeding from that? i have NEVER felt so much pain before(physical pain would be more acceptable). sent me crashing into a lead wall at erm... i dunno, the speed of sound maybe? i'm sure its going to change me forever. is it possible to love like you loved the first time again? (withdrawal stage i think! damn)
um... anyway, i thought older women are more capable of having an 'intellectual' conversation rather than younger women. or maybe i just never managed to 'get it on' with anyone younger because of their inexperience? i'm not sure. but yea... she was pretty submissive too, and she says she's always been like that (oh but she's not a slut! just likes to **** with people - haha)
i guess it could be a 'generation thing'. think about the times when these people were growing up. i guess there was more 'freedom'? however she is very independent-minded.
um.. basically i think age could play almost no part in a relationship as long as the couple are able to 'get along'. it depends on personal interests and comfort levels and from individual to individual. like i know this other girl that is about 7 months younger than me but she is a lot more mature than any other 19 yr old. she's nice and we get along really well, but just never took it a step further.
argh, feel too sick to type anymore.

(p.s. The Way Out Is Through

sorry about any gripes)

[Krusty]

Yikes !! So, she's 40 ... and you're 20 ??? To me, that seems like it'd be almost impossible to manage (age + life stage thing). How in the hell did it start (you asked her out, she was formerly your babysitter ... sorry, cheap shot)?

Did your parents/friends know about it ?? Did you ever go out with she and her older friends ? I really curious about the dynamic of that relationship. I'm sorry for your pain, man ... but you just blew my mind.

[Timo]

Originally posted by OwlBoy:
Sigh, beggers can't be choosers when it comes to me .

You'll get your chance; nearly everyone does. Just promise us you won't give away the store when someone who fancies you comes along. It'll be better for both of you that way.

[TNproud2b]

Originally posted by Krusty:
No kidding TN, meeting my 24 year old girlfriend's parents the first time was extremely nerve-wracking to put it mildly. You could see the "you're only dating my daughter for one reason" look in her dad's eyes. Also, I was 31 and had been a full fledged "grown up" for a long time ... it was weird when we went out to dinner and it came time to pay. I usually paid for me and my g-friend, her folks usually paid for her. So, was I lumped in as another kid (like most people she'd dated before) or as an adult? It played out differently a couple of different times we went out ... VERY uncomfortable.

My experience has been that parents will kinda like the fact that I'm employed. Her previous boyfriend was prolly some pimply-faced 20 year old 'Star Wars' fanatic dork that still lives with his parents.

Younger guys have zero chance of success when I'm in the room

[Krusty]

You may be right TN ... once when I went out to brunch with her family and picked up the tab .. I found out later that her dad was really impressed by that .. still felt kinda awkward on my end though. Sounds like you've been there enough times to pull it off more easily.

[L'enfanTerrible]

Originally posted by 7Macfreak:
i'm sure its going to change me forever. is it possible to love like you loved the first time again?

I think about that all the time. I fell in love with a girl last year at school, and we had a turbulent relationship to say the very least. But we've been on and off for about a year now. It will be a year in September.. I love her so much, and yet because of different things we have always been rocky. Since I've been home from school (over 4 months now) we've been keeping a long distance relationship, and we've broken up and gotten back together 4 times over the phone.. Yikes!

Anywho, I don't know how this one will pan out, but I always leave things to fate anyway. It's easier that way.. And since I've been in a few relationships now, I have always learned new things and I feel more strongly about each girl. I have discovered new emotions of love. It's very complex. I'm sure things will work out fine for you.

[Tigerabbit]

I've always used 3/4 to 1 1/4 times my age for the dating range (male or female).

My experiences (albeit secondhand) indicate that when one is double the age of the other, there are some serious psychological issues involved that are not being addressed.

With less than a quarter of a lifetime difference, there are far more common experiences for discussions. There's little-to-no "My Mom said they did things like that way back when" and "I remember when my kids used to play with those". There's more a true peer and less of a pseudo-parental relationship.

But that's just my experience, your mileage may vary.

[Krusty]

Hmmm. Tigger ... see, I guess that's the crux of my questions/concerns and why I'm posing this question to the forums. Most people agree that some age differences clearly seem to be "too much" while being exactly the same age is OK in most people's eyes. The question is, where in that fuzzy continuum between the two does some line get crossed ?? And, if a 20/40 age difference is too great, wouldn't that mean that somehow there is going to be some degeneration in "OK-ness" the further one gets away from 40/40 ? By that I mean, a lot of people would consider 30/40 OK, but wouldn't some of what makes 20/40 "unhealthy" HAVE to be present in the 30/40 thing too ?

I realize that "it depends on the people" etc ... but that's still so vague. I know that there is no "magic formula" for this stuff ... which is why I'm trying to get a feel for how many have really pulled it off successfully (like, leading to marriage etc). Both of the cross-age relationships I've been in ended for whate seemed to be issues not related to age ... but in the back of my mind something keeps saying "It was doomed from the beginning, you just can't date somebody more than X years older/younger than you and expect it to work out"

[finboy]

I think once both people are over a certain age, say 30, the gap is inconsequential. Really. I've had much more in common with some older gals that I've dated than with women my age.

The real problem to watch out for, as some folks have already mentioned, is the conflict of goals. For instance, when a 35 year-old guy is dating a 25-year old woman, it's unlikely that they have a great deal in common, and MORE LIKELY that each person is just looking for what they need right then. Personally, I've dated my share of 20-something gals and NO THANKS. I don't need the games or the headache, and I damned sure don't get off teaching people how to behave in a relationship.

As for older women, there are some real catches out there. I think it's because so many of the early boomer guys were BUTTHEADS when it came to women. One thing about older women is that they're grateful (Ben Franklin said that first, so flame Poor Richard, not me). And self-assured. And skilled (yum). And they don't play games. They make much better companions than some 20-something cookie.

There's another phenomenon out there that's interesting: younger women looking to settle down and have a family. Used to be that most career-minded women wouldn't even consider that kind of thing until they were about 30 or so, but that may not be the case anymore.

The real problem, regardless of his age or her age, is the type of person who "thinks" that he or she wants to settle down and have kids, but then decides to "find themselves." There is NO SUBSTITUTE FOR MATURITY.

[ism]

My age 22, girlfriend 16; complete psycho
My age 21, girlfriend 22; complete pyscho

Conclusion: Age difference isn't a factor.

[MacGorilla]

Originally posted by ism:
My age 22, girlfriend 16; complete psycho
My age 21, girlfriend 22; complete pyscho

Conclusion: Age difference isn't a factor.

Agreed. My wife is 16 years older than me. It's compatibility that is important.

[Vanquish]

My age 22, girlfriend 16; complete psycho

Psycho (it's even illegal I think)

My age 21, girlfriend 22; complete pyscho

Not psycho

[Captain Obvious]

I think it all depends on the ages we are talking about....

If you were say, 70 and met a woman who was 58 I think that would make little difference.

But for now while I am in my mid 20's I generally stay within 4 years of myself for actual GFs. Just girls I may casually date then there's no real rule, its just annoying when they can't drink legally and hence are restricted to where you can take them.

Once I hit 30 it will prob expand to 6 years. And so on.

[ism]

Originally posted by Vanquish:

Psycho (it's even illegal I think)

I was perhaps a bit too brief. Nearly illegal, but not quite. I meant that whatever age women I have been out with they have all been psycho. Hmm, kind of lost it's impact now. Was (half) joking anyhow.

[roger_ramjet]

Currently seeing someone who is half my age. (She just turned 20 last week.) And she is totally, freaking hot. When I first asked her out I was hoping that she was at least a little older but it was one of those "what-the-hell things" - I didn't have anything else going on and I did mention that she's seriously hot, didn't I? In all honesty, I don't think this is going anywhere. We have bloody nothing in common and she doesn't really like to go any place - she doesn't like crowds. But I do feel comfortable just being with her which is really nice. And there's a lot of cross-cultural stuff going on. (She's bi-racial and I'm whitey white boy.) I guess we're in that zone where everything about the other person is something new and really different. But if we get to the other side of that, I wonder how we'll be doing...

[BRussell]

Originally posted by roger_ramjet:
Currently seeing someone who is half my age.

You are a low-down, dirty dawg, roger.

[Tigerabbit]

Originally posted by finboy:
There is NO SUBSTITUTE FOR MATURITY.

Exactly.

Someone who is truly mature will not knowingly get involved with someone who isn't. There are those who get tricked into it, but those are the exception and not the rule.

Similar levels of maturity are needed to provide a good foundation from which to build a relationship. Similar experiences open the paths of communication, while some differences spice thing up and allow opportunities for shared experiences.

The first approximation for maturity we have is age, but it is just an approximation. We've all known the 17 year old going on 45 and the 45 year old that still thinks and behaves like 17; but those are the exceptions and not the rule.

If something were to dissolve my current relationship, I wouldn't be looking for anyone in their late teens, nor would I be looking for someone in their 40s. I've seen too many associates have cross-generational (or almost) relationships that turned out to be total disasters. I also have seen two successful ones, but the success are far outweighed by the failures.

Ism: Find some different chicks. Dating psychoes will turn you into MikeM3* or TNproud2b real quick.

[roger_ramjet]

Originally posted by BRussell:

You are a low-down, dirty dawg, roger.

Yeah, I know. I was a little taken aback on our first date when she said she'd be turning twenty next month. Maybe the reason I feel so comfortable with her is because I'm not really expecting anything to come of this. Whatever good happens here goes into the "bonus column". And if things come apart, well, it'll probably be just as well.

[Captain Obvious]

Originally posted by roger_ramjet:


Yeah, I know. I was a little taken aback on our first date when she said she'd be turning twenty next month. Maybe the reason I feel so comfortable with her is because I'm not really expecting anything to come of this. Whatever good happens here goes into the "bonus column". And if things come apart, well, it'll probably be just as well.

Ahhh, a man after my own heart. One thing though. With age guys seem to forget what hot is when they were younger. What is hot to a 40 year old guy is sometimes what's "OK" to a 21 year old guy. It seems that equating youth with beauty begins to taint a man's opinion once they begin to lose their own youth. I am not saying she isn't hot but its an observation I have seen when speaking to older peers.

Also, not that I am saying this is the case but I say a large percentage of these young girls dating middle-aged men have some sort of issues or agenda. Be it gold digging or a "daddy" complex there is usually more than meets the eye to their motivation. But hey if when I am 40 I meet some girl after my money I might be fine with it. Afterall a law degree brings with it the ability to write up a pretty long ironclad prenup.

[Captain Obvious]

Originally posted by Tigerabbit:

I've seen too many associates have cross-generational (or almost) relationships that turned out to be total disasters. I also have seen two successful ones, but the success are far outweighed by the failures.

As opposed to all the similar age relationships that don't turn out to be disasters? Pff, the odds aren't good period. Age is just a minor factor.

Ism: Find some different chicks. Dating psychoes will turn you into MikeM3* or TNproud2b real quick.

Good luck that rules out about 85% of the gender.

[roger_ramjet]

Originally posted by Captain Obvious:

Ahhh, a man after my own heart. One thing though. With age guys seem to forget what hot is when they were younger. What is hot to a 40 year old guy is sometimes what's "OK" to a 21 year old guy. It seems that equating youth with beauty begins to taint a man's opinion once they begin to lose their own youth. I am not saying she isn't hot but its an observation I have seen when speaking to older peers.

Also, not that I am saying this is the case but I say a large percentage of these young girls dating middle-aged men have some sort of issues or agenda. Be it gold digging or a "daddy" complex there is usually more than meets the eye to their motivation. But hey if when I am 40 I meet some girl after my money I might be fine with it. Afterall a law degree brings with it the ability to write up a pretty long ironclad prenup.

No, she really is hot. But if I was still 21, I probably wouldn't have asked her out. I think I would have been a little intimidated by her looks. It took me a while to get over that. I do wonder a little about her motivation. I know she isn't after my money. I'm not that well off. Of course, compared to other 20 year olds maybe I seem, at least, established. It might just be the racial thing. She seems to have an uneven attachment to the African-American part of her bi-racial identity. (Small example: she's a BIG heavy metal fan and not much of a fan of hip hop.) I don't want to over analyze this. I hate it when people do the dime-store psychoanalyst thing...

[TNproud2b]

Roger, you're my hero.

I know what you're saying. When I was 20 I wouldn't have noticed the 20-something-yr-old girls I'm interested in today. Maybe her butt was a tad too wide. Perhaps she was a little too tall. Now that I'm older, I'm not nearly as picky.

Every morning when I wake up, I thank my deity of choice for the fact that girls like older guys.

Keep the faith, Roger !

[Tigerabbit]

Originally posted by Captain Obvious:
Good luck that rules out about 85% of the gender.

That's the whole point of dating, to weed out the wackos. I thought it was OBVIOUS, Captain.

[roger_ramjet]

Originally posted by TNproud2b:
Roger, you're my hero.

It's just something that happened. In all honesty if I knew beforehand she was that young, it wouldn't have even occurred to me to ask her out. I mean, I knew she was young but 19, sheesh!

I know what you're saying. When I was 20 I wouldn't have noticed the 20-something-yr-old girls I'm interested in today. Maybe her butt was a tad too wide. Perhaps she was a little too tall. Now that I'm older, I'm not nearly as picky.

Actually, what I was trying to say was that when I was 20 I would have considered certain women to be out of my league. But as far as being less picky goes, I'm that way too but this wasn't one of those times.

[MikeM33]

I dated an older woman, and I have no reservations about doing it again. She was 8 yrs older, and quite the wild-cat. She eventually moved away for her job, but we still talk and e-mail each other. I've been with younger women too, but it seems like the older ones really know what they're doing.

MikeM32