[rigger]

From a florida waitress,Canoes Tip.

[SimpleLife]

Originally Posted by rigger

From a florida waitress,Canoes Tip.

Huh?

I am surprised; usually Canadians do tip at bars and restaurants.

[James L]

Rigger,

This has been done before. Here is the thread:

http://forums.macnn.com/showthread.p...american+jokes

And here is my favourite joke from it:

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see some of the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them!"

Cheers!

[SimpleLife]

Originally Posted by James L

Rigger,

This has been done before. Here is the thread:

http://forums.macnn.com/showthread.p...american+jokes

And here is my favourite joke from it:

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see some of the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them!"

Cheers!

I usually try to avoid that type of joke, but I can never keep myself from smiling at this one...

[Atomic Rooster]

in before lock...

[James L]

Joke threads rock. Aberdeen and I had a run one night for a couple of hours posting some great Canadian and American jokes.

[Jim Paradise]

Originally Posted by SimpleLife

I usually try to avoid that type of joke, but I can never keep myself from smiling at this one...

Same here.

[loki74]

Originally Posted by James L

Rigger,

This has been done before. Here is the thread:

http://forums.macnn.com/showthread.p...american+jokes

And here is my favourite joke from it:

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see some of the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them!"

Cheers!

ibl

[ThinkInsane]

If you can't take a little good natured teasing about your country, you might be a little too thin skinned. I'll leave it open for now, and let people post their jokes (and remember kids, jokes are funny, even when they are about you) until such time as it's not good natured and turns mean or spiteful (which it no doubt will). Don't take yourselves so serious and have a little fun with it.

[loki74]

oh no its no big deal. I suppose what gets me about that particular joke is that the suggestion is that God designated America's purpose as "balancing" out the infinite glory of Canada. Its the God part I guess.

But I do see the humor in it--my reason why I thought this thread may end up locked is the combination of the anti-Canadian joke that started the thread, and the pro-Canadain (and anti-American) one that followed up.

Seeins as how this is my second post in this thread I guess I better contribute a joke... but I can't think of any right now. I'll get one later.

[James L]

loki,

They are harmless. The last time it happened I was posting anti Canadian jokes as well as anti American jokes.

And hey, barring the last sentence in that joke I posted that upset you everything else is true!



Cheers,

James

[SimpleLife]

Originally Posted by loki74

Seeins as how this is my second post in this thread I guess I better contribute a joke... but I can't think of any right now. I'll get one later.

Well, recover from the shock and give us a good one!

[loki74]

I know they're harmless, that doesnt mean I have to like or agree with them. I am entitled to that, at least?

...and I would beg to differ about the rest of the joke being true. Excpet for the ice hokey part. (I'm not really into that whole cold climate. I mean hey, I live in a desert! )

EDIT: Okay, seeing as how I am a guitarist, I think I'll throw out some guitar jokes...

What is the difference between a guitarist and a mutual fund?
The mutual fund will eventually mature.

How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twenty--One to put it in, and nineteen to say how much better they could have done so.
Althernately: Five--One to hold it to the socket, while the other four drink beer until the room spins.

You may have heard those, dunno.

(PS Google is a person who doesnt have a sense of humor's best friend )

[James L]

Originally Posted by loki74

I know they're harmless, that doesnt mean I have to like or agree with them. I am entitled to that, at least?

...and I would beg to differ about the rest of the joke being true. Excpet for the ice hokey part. (I'm not really into that whole cold climate. I mean hey, I live in a desert! )

Wholly stereotype batman (sorry, just saw Batman begins tonight)!


loki my friend, it was 31 degrees celcius here today, which is about 88 degrees farenheit I believe.

Last winter we had 6 wopping days of snow...for the whole year.

While I was driving through the I5 in January on my way to MWSF, I saw more snow in Northern California than in the entire winter back in BC!

[James L]

Now, my favourite musician jokes are actually drummer ones:

Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.


Q: Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car?
A: It took them 4 hours to get the drummer out!


Cheers, from one guitarist to another!

[Athens]

Originally Posted by James L

Rigger,

This has been done before. Here is the thread:

http://forums.macnn.com/showthread.p...american+jokes

And here is my favourite joke from it:

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There's beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast-line. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see some of the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them!"

Cheers!

OH thats good!

[aberdeenwriter]

Some Canadians are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight
of stairs.

[aberdeenwriter]

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, James L.
decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar
and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath
away.

"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but
within a month or two, my father who's an American will pass and I'll inherit over 20
million dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his American
stepmother.

Some Canadians never learn.

[aberdeenwriter]

A Canadian and a Frenchman board a flight out of JFK going to London. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Texan sits in the seat by the aisle. The Texan kicks off his shoes, wiggles his toes, and starts to settle in, when the Canadian in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," says the Texan, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, the Canadian who hates George Bush picks up the Texan's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the Frenchman says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Texan obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the Frenchman who hates Americans picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The Texan comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the Texan slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asks the Liberals. "This fighting between our countries? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and ****ing in cokes?"

[aberdeenwriter]

The Canadian government today announced that it is changing its emblem from the Maple Leaf to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

[Athens]

American Driving Schools Teaches

Driving Rules
1. A right-lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real driver never uses them.

3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered 'going with the flow.'

5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

8. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

9. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

10. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

11. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.

12. Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

13. It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the beach.

14. Remember that the goal of every good driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

15. Real female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

[Athens]

You MAY be a Redneck If...

Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore."
The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.
Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.
You hunt from your bedroom window.
Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
You refrigerate your food stamps.
You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill.
You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween.
Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk. If you see a sign that says "Say no to crack"...and it reminds you to hike up your jeans.
You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives.
You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles" on your cone.
You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum.
You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton!
The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."...and you respond "About whut?"
You take a beer to a job interview.
You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater.
When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss.
You go to Goodwill to meet women.
You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!

[Athens]

Legal Quotes
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.

1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

[Athens]

Christmas in Washington

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington,DC this Christmas. This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men or a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable

[Athens]

Q: What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?
A: Relative humidity.

Q: What do you call a Jamaiccan proctologist?
A: Pok-e-mon

Q. How do you castrate a redneck?
A. You kick his sister in the jaw!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.

"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.

Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "10 pounds."

The bartender said, "What!" I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?"

The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do they use artificial turf in Iowa stadiums?
To keep the cheerleaders from grazing!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Government Verbosity

Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
U.S. Government regulations on cabbage sales: 26,911 words.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

[Athens]

...

[aberdeenwriter]

A Federal government employee sits in his Ottawa office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantlepiece," he decides, and takes it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears.

"For setting me free, I am granting you three wishes. So tell me what are they?" Genie asks.

"I wish for an ice cold Molson right now!"

He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.

"I wish the NHL hockey strike was over, and the final game for the Stanley Cup was being played ."

Suddenly he is rinkside watching the Stanley cup final game.

He tells the genie his third and last wish, "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF!

He's back in Ottawa sitting in his government office.

[Athens]

Originally Posted by aberdeenwriter

A Federal government employee sits in his Ottawa office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantlepiece," he decides, and takes it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears.

"For setting me free, I am granting you three wishes. So tell me what are they?" Genie asks.

"I wish for an ice cold Molson right now!"

He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.

"I wish the NHL hockey strike was over, and the final game for the Stanley Cup was being played ."

Suddenly he is rinkside watching the Stanley cup final game.

He tells the genie his third and last wish, "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF!

He's back in Ottawa sitting in his government office.

LOL Good one

[loki74]

Originally Posted by James L

Now, my favourite musician jokes are actually drummer ones:

Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.


Q: Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car?
A: It took them 4 hours to get the drummer out!


Cheers, from one guitarist to another!

Funny stuff. The drummer one I found while looking for jokes was about if a drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth, the stage is balanced.. or something like that

[aberdeenwriter]

SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME (WHOSE
HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW), THREE MEN DECIDED TO
BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I
THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS
LIVING THERE."

THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO
TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO, THERE
ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."

ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN,
AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM, VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO
HELL ... THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."

...or Canada.

[aberdeenwriter]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below said, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," said the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below said, "You must be Canadian."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[aberdeenwriter]

Remote viewer, Ed Dames says "Pray for the Shuttle crew." AND he advises we have about two years remaining and we should quickly learn the skill of remote viewing.

See you all next year, with luck.

Aberdeenwriter, out.

[Athens]

Originally Posted by aberdeenwriter

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below said, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," said the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below said, "You must be Canadian."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

[jbartone]

An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

[James L]

I only have time for one quick post this morning:


Q: How many Americans does it take to prosecute a sex crime?

Answer: 535--435 in the House, 100 in the Senate




Q: How many times did employers fire Saddam Hussein?

Answer: Only once, the CIA paid for the rest of his work.



Q: How many wives does the average American husband have?

Answer: 10, 1 at home and 9 in Utah.



Q: How many Americans does it take to buy a gallon of gas?

Answer: 250,000 to seize it and one to pump it.

[DBursey]

RE: Cheap. I'm Canadian, and I tip. I'll even tip for lousy service. I tip handsomely for good service.

Most of my friends are Canadian. Most of my friends feel likewise on the matter. It's the cordial thing to do.

We have a 'C' word for those who don't appreciate the efforts of the waiting staff. It ain't Canadian. eh?

[mojo2]

Lester Pearson was your greatest Prime Minister?

[Jim Paradise]

Originally Posted by aberdeenwriter

A Federal government employee sits in his Ottawa office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantlepiece," he decides, and takes it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears.

"For setting me free, I am granting you three wishes. So tell me what are they?" Genie asks.

"I wish for an ice cold Molson right now!"

He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.

"I wish the NHL hockey strike was over, and the final game for the Stanley Cup was being played ."

Suddenly he is rinkside watching the Stanley cup final game.

He tells the genie his third and last wish, "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF!

He's back in Ottawa sitting in his government office.

[analogika]

Originally Posted by Athens

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Trivia time:

The pen only cost $1 million, and Fisher developed it on their own before even offering it to NASA.

They were searching for a ball-point pen that would write under any conditions, in any weather, on greasy surfaces, and at any angle. Calling it "Space Pen" and selling it to NASA was a marketing coup.

The Russian astronauts have been using them for decades, too.

And the Fisher Space Pen I got as a gift more than ten years ago really is a kick-ass pen. Best ball-point I've ever owned.

Really.

[ThinkInsane]

Originally Posted by analogika

And the Fisher Space Pen I got as a gift more than ten years ago really is a kick-ass pen. Best ball-point I've ever owned.

Really.

I have to agree. I bought one at EMS a long time ago to take hiking and climbing, and I still use it at work every day. for the space pen (although mines the 'field' version).

[mojo2]

Two Canadians are sitting in a bar, and getting bored. They decide to play 20 questions. The first Canadian tries to think of a word and after a little pondering comes up with the word: moosecock.

The second Canadian tries his first question, "Is it something good to eat?"

The first guy thinks a moment then laughs and replies "Sure, I suppose you could eat it."

The second Canadian says, "Is it a moosecock?

[mojo2]

Why did the Canadian cross the road?
To get in the middle!

[mojo2]

You Might Be Canadian If...

You bring a portable TV on a camping trip so that you don't miss Hockey Night.

You can repeat the entire Molson's Canadian 'The Rant'.

You know all the words to "If I had a million dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.

You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."

You hum David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme in the shower.

You know that the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) don't always look like that.

You make up patriotic lyrics to go along with David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme.

You cried when Gus "drowned" on Road To Avonlea.

You remember when Alanis Morrissette was "Too Hot To Hold".

You think there isn't enough of Peter Gzowski to go around.

You think it's normal to have a grain elevator in your backyard.

You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of The Tragically Hip.

You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "what's good enough protection for the Prime Minister, is good enough for me!"

You can sing "O' Canada" in French and actually know what the words mean.

You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the Hinterland Who's Who spots so
you can finally find out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter.

You participate in Participaction!

You think Peter Mansbridge is sexy.

You think Lloyd Robertson is sexy.

You think Peter Kent is sexy.

You think Matt Damon is so-so.

You stood in line for hours for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.

You killed your best friend for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.

You think Great Big Sea isn't Atlantic-centric enough.

Your backpack has more than one Canadian flag iron-on (and you always have room for more).

You know the names of all the guys in Sloan.

You have been on Speaker's Corner. Bonus points if they edited out your carefully prepared rant against the Harris government.

You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

You still haven't taken down your "NON" posters from the 95 Referendum.

You know more than 3 guys named Gordon.

You think Ashley MacIssac isn't Celtic enough.

You remember "Jodie" from Today's Special and wonder why you keep seeing her reading news on the CBC.

You can do the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-marinki-dinki-do".

You know why "killerwhaletank" is funny.

You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.

You had a crush on Joey Jeremiah from Degrassi Junior High.

You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few months early.

You actually watch The Gemini Awards, The Genie Awards, and The Juno Awards. You wonder why Stompin' Tom doesn't get his own category in all three. You scream passionately at the television when your favourite Canadian performers are overlooked by their respective academies.

You think -10 C is mild weather.

You have twins named Donovan and Bailey.

You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky (alternately Gordie and Howe).

You know the ingredients for poutine.

You know what happens in the Evergreen Forest when Bert Raccoon wakes up.

You dressed as Bruno Gerussi for Halloween. You spent hours sifting through garbage on the beach to prepare for the role.

You substitute beer for water when cooking.

You carry empty beer cans from your camping trips home with you in your backpack so you can recycle them when you reach civilization.

You know that the 'Extra Creamy' in Kraft Extra Creamy Dinner is 'add more milk.'

You prefer Elvis Stojko when he has 'hockey hair' - a.k.a. 'the mullet' or 'the shorty-longback'.

You brag about the sweet herb in BC.

You know the chorus of "The Log Driver's Waltz" and are particularly fond of the 'burling down and down' bit.

You steal stationery from your Government of Canada co-operative education placement because you figure you can find lots of uses for paper with 'Human Resources Development Canada/Développement des Ressources Humaines Canada' written at the top.

You have daydreams that film-maker Don McKellar, and Hugh Dillon from The Headstones, skinned and ate Regis Philbin.

You recognize: CPP, RSP, and CCM.

You know what "Canuba" is. You think it's pretty damn funny.

Your gravy boat is shaped like the Bluenose.

You refuse to consume chocolate that doesn't come in either Smarties, Coffee Crisp, or Laura Secord format.

You die a little inside if you can't get your Tim's double-double every morning.

You know the difference between real snow and "television" snow -- the white stuff that passes for snow on tv and in films. You scream, "For Christsake! That should be sticking to their pants!" and "Lookit, it's not melting! That's *so* not snow!" when watching 'Winter' scenes.

Someone accidently stepped on your foot. You apologize.

You stepped on someone's foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize.

You know Casey and Finnegan are NOT a Celtic rock band or imported beer.

You know who Foster Hewitt is.

You can spot MEC from a kilometre away, even if the little white tag is hidden.

You're either out to bingo or getting stinko (and you think no more of Inco) on a Sudbury Saturday night.

You've actually said, "Stay where yer at, 'till I gets where yer to."

You pity people who haven't tasted a "beavertail".

Complete the phrase: "The good old ____ game is the best ____ you can ____."

You've got some rocks and you've got to leave an important message -- Lucky you know how to build an innukshuk!

You have at least one ROOTS sweatshirt that always smells like cigarettes and beer.

You find it difficult to explain "milk in a bag" to non-Canadians, and even more difficult to describe the "snippy-thing" used on bag corners. (Bonus points if your collected snippy-things are stuck to your fridge.)

You're pretty sure you can see Alex Trebek smirking when Jeopardy contestants get the "Canada questions" wrong. Even if you weren't sure of the answer yourself, you consider yourself a hundred times smarter than the idiots who always guess, "What is .. uh, Toronto?"

Your Saturday nights in the Atlantic provinces include eating beans and brown bread as you watch Hockey Night in Canada.

You know that the Canadian Alliance is just the Reform Party with better hair.

You know that, contrary to general belief, the Inuit have about the same amount of words for snow as do English speakers. Your favourite Inuit word for 'snow' is "navcaq" (snow formation about to collapse).

Your local zoo is mainly flamingoes, giraffes and sad elephants freezing their asses off against a backdrop of pine trees, grey skies, and precambrian shield formations.

You wonder why squirrels and seagulls somehow manage to get in every zoo exhibit (including the parking lot and squirrel and seagull exhibits).

You live in a "beach town" and have to eat your brothers and sisters to stay alive during the winter months.

You wonder why Esther Canadas has been blessed with both beauty and the coolest name on the planet -- although Canuck cutie Shalom Harlow could wipe the floor with her.

You're such a hardcore Canadian punk you used ketchup-flavoured potato chip 'residue' to dye your hair. You know it's kind of gross, but at least you smell good.

You don't consider a date truly romantic until you've slow danced to Blue Rodeo's "Five Days in May". You accept "Lost Together" as a second option.

You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK"

You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."

You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

You drink Pop, not Soda.

You only know three spices: Salt, pepper and ketchup

You know that a Mickey and 24's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"

You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays (not
vacation), with good cigars and no Americans.

You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway

You drive on a highway, not a freeway

You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.

You cried when you heard that "Mr Dress Up" died recently.

You brag to Americans: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & more, are Canadians.

You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!

You know what a toque is.

You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed"

You live in a house with no front step, but the door is one meter up from the ground.

Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

You know that the four seasons means: winter, still winter, almost winter, and road work/construction.

You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.

You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan"

You perk up when you hear the theme song from "Hockey Night in Canada."

You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

"Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?"

You call it a BUN not a "Roll"

Its called a WASHROOM not a lavatory or powder room or rest room.

You've ever had your tongue frozen to something.

You know that in Canada the mosquitoes have landing lights

You have more kilometers on your snow blower than your car.

You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.

You know that Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores before Christmas.

You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles a meat processing plant.

The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.

You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.

You head south to go to your cottage.

You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

You know which leaves make for good toilet paper.

The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo, it's sausage making.

You find -40C a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a freezer.

You attend a formal in your best clothes, your finest jeweler and your Sorrels.

You can play road hockey on skates.

The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

You may be a little too Canadian if...

You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin, as you can only use more change.

You spend hours in the dark making scale models of the Avro Arrow and cursing the Diefenbaker government.

You have memorized the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments, including your favourites, "Burnt Toast!", "You know I canna read a word...",

"One day we have tar paper roof!" and "Kanata".

You advocate the abolition of responsible government in favour of monarchist rule.

You think there isn't enough Queen on our currency.

Your graduation formal dress was made of flannel.

You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.

You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.

You automatically read 'Z' as 'Zed' and don't give a damn that it doesn't rhyme with "now I know my abcs".

You are moved to tears by those Bell Canada phone commercials they show around Remembrance Day, where the grandson calls his granddad from Dieppe. You understand the manipulative nature of the advertisement, but continue to be moved, nonetheless.

You stay up until midnight (the end of some television station broadcasting hours) to hear the Canadian national anthem.

You get up at 5:00 am (the beginning of broadcasting hours) to hear the Canadian national anthem.

You spit angrily when Americans say "ruff" instead of the correct "roof".

When abroad, you have a cold fear that somebody might mistake you for an American. You make a point of deliberately being kind to locals just to make it clear you are a Canadian.

You are too Canadian if...

You've ever said, 'I need more flannel clothing.'
You understand everything in this list, and email it to all your friends.
You read rather than scanned this list.

[Athens]

bastard so many of those are true lol

[Railroader]

Some are very true for Michigan as well.

One missing from the list:
If you've ever swam and sledded in the same week.

[mojo2]

There are three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer, and a Vancouver guy.
They come across a lantern and a genie pops out.
"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes."
So the Newfie says "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, and his dad was a fisherman, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish"
'FOOM' the oceans were full.
The Quebecer was amazed, he said "I want a wall around Quebec, so nothing will get in."
'POOF' there was a wall around Quebec.
The Vancouver guy says "Tell me more about this wall."
The genie says "Well its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
So the Vancouver guy says "Fill it up with water."

[mojo2]

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Canadians don't change light bulbs, we accept them as they are.

A couple from Montana decided to go to Canada for their holidays one summer. They drove north across the border, stopped at a dinosaur park, then continued northeast. After driving for a couple of days, they realized they were lost. They found a small city, and pulled over to ask a pedestrian for directions.
"Hey buddy, can you tell us where we are?"
The pedestrian smiled, said "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan", and went on his way.
The driver turned to his wife and said "Well, we still don't know where we are. He doesn't even speak English."

A Texan, a Canadian and a Guy from Michigan
A Texan, a Canadian, and a guy from Michigan are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air. The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!" The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Canadian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it. The guy from Michigan can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of Champagne!"
The Canadian says "In Canada there's plenty of Champagne and bottles are cheap."
So a while later the guy from Michigan pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian.
The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that?"
The guy from Michigan says, "Well, in Michigan, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a dime."

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman were in Saudi Arabia drinking a bottle of whisky when the were arrested.

On appeal the initial sentence of life was commuted to twenty lashes.

On the day the sentence was to be carried out the Sheik informed them that as it was his wife's birthday they would be granted a wish before the lashing.

The Irishman was first and wished for a pillow strapped to his back. Unfortunately after ten lashes the whip worked throught the pillow.

The Englishman was next, and asked for two pillows.Still the whip got through after ten lashes.

As the Scotsman was led forward, the Sheik told him that as he was a great admirer of Robert Burns, he could have two wishes.

His first wish was for the number of lashes to be doubled to forty.

His second was to have the Englishman strapped to his back.

[ThinkInsane]

Not a joke, but a little illustrated story:

Last month, I went to an air show (I posted some pics at the time). While I was walking around, I noticed this plane:



I thought it was odd, seeing an FA-18 with the Maple Leaf where the Stars and Bars should so obviously be. Must of been some kind of mistake, I thought to myself. Then, I noticed this guy acting like he owned the thing:



So, I went up to him and asked him if he wanted to explain how the hell the Canadians got a fighter jet. He puffed his chest up, got a decent snarl on his face, poked me in the chest and said "Listen buddy, the Canadian military is more than just war canoes you know. We've got two of these things!", at which we both burst out laughing.


See, a little good natured ball-busting goes a long way to foster good international relations

[mojo2]

Originally Posted by ThinkInsane

Not a joke, but a little illustrated story:

Last month, I went to an air show (I posted some pics at the time). While I was walking around, I noticed this plane:



I thought it was odd, seeing an FA-18 with the Maple Leaf where the Stars and Bars should so obviously be. Must of been some kind of mistake, I thought to myself. Then, I noticed this guy acting like he owned the thing:



So, I went up to him and asked him if he wanted to explain how the hell the Canadians got a fighter jet. He puffed his chest up, got a decent snarl on his face, poked me in the chest and said "Listen buddy, the Canadian military is more than just war canoes you know. We've got two of these things!", at which we both burst out laughing.


See, a little good natured ball-busting goes a long way to foster good international relations

Did he tell you that in his underwing racks the Canucks mount pods full of rose petals?

By the way, where was he hiding his blue (Smurf) beret???

[mojo2]

One night a Canadian wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by his unusual display of emotions, she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.USD"