[keekeeree]

No, not nasty jokes, gross jokes, or offensive jokes, but silly jokes! Share your favorites that make you chuckle and other people to shake their heads
------

Two cows were standing a field. The first cow turns to the other and asks, "So, what do you think of this Mad Cow Disease?"

"What do I care? I'm a helicopter!" says the other cow.

[Severed Hand of Skywalker]

Originally posted by keekeeree:
"So, what do you think of this Mad Cow Disease?"

Isn't Mad Cow Disease another term for women with PMS?

[Adam Betts]

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

[rjenkinson]

Q. why don't blind people like to go skydiving?
A. they don't mind, but it scares the hell out of their dogs.

-r.

[Jansar]

Isn't "Pokemon" another term for a Jamaican proctologist?

[DeathMan]

While sharing a clown, one cannibal says to the other, does this taste funny to you?

[Spheric Harlot]

What's an ig?

An eskimo's house without a toilet.

[yakkiebah]

kamagurka, master of silly jokes

[yakkiebah]

another one

[Logic]

Most of Zimphires posts.

[yakkiebah]

killer



sorry last one... knock yourself out at www.kamagurka.com

[Nicko]

[sambeau]

Q:What do you call a donkey with three legs?
A: A wonky

[DBursey]

[Diggory Laycock]

There are two fish in a tank and one of them says to the other one

"How do I drive this thing?"

[keekeeree]

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A: A stick

[philzilla]

Q. why do women wear make-up and perfume?

A. because they're ugly and they smell

[maxelson]

Young chicken and a horse become good friends- spend a lot of time hangin together on the farm.

One day, the horse gets stuck in a bog and is sinking fast.

The quick thinking fowl runs back to the farm, spies the farmers brandy new BMW, hops in, speeds off to the bog and pulls the horse out with the power mobile.

A few weeks later, the chicken gets caught in the smae bog and screams for help from the horse. The horse straddles the bog and the chicken grabs onto the horse's willy and is pulled to safety.

Moral: when you're hung like a horse, you don't need a hot car to pick up chicks.

[maxelson]

Tin of muffins in an oven.
Muffin 1: Hey, is it hot in here?
Muffin 2: GAH! A TALKING MUFFIN!

[maxelson]

Question: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: A fish.

[philzilla]

Originally posted by maxelson:
Moral: when you're hung like a horse, you don't need a hot car to pick up chicks.

wicked

[Donny1]

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?



Roberto!


Well, it made me laugh

[maxelson]

Originally posted by Donny1:
What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?



Roberto!


Well, it made me laugh

OW! OUCH! DAMMIT!
Man. Sheesh. What did we ever do to YOU!?!?

OK. TO be fair. The original post DID ask for silly.

[philzilla]

scouse jokes (at least max should get them)

Q. what do you call a scouser in a suit?

A. the accused

---

Q. what do you call a scouser in a white shell suit?

A. the bride

---

Two Scousers riding along the East Lancs Road on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair iit. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave. "R 'ey lad" they say "gizza lift".

The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough PC Plod pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look.

He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it . He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the bastards have managed to nick a motorbike already"

[keekeeree]

This joke is about photographers, but I'm sure it could apply to other professions:


Q: How many photographers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Ten.
One to change the bulb;
two to say they could do that;
two to say they could have done it better;
two to say they've done that before;
and three to say they've done it before, but better.

[Timo]

A guy walks into a bar -- "ouch!"

Q. What's green and has wheels?
A. Grass.
I lied about the wheels.

...and my all-time favorite silly joke:
Q: Where does Santa Claus go on vacation?
A: To a ho-ho-hotel.

[keekeeree]

Originally posted by Timo:
Q. What's green and has wheels?
A. Grass.
I lied about the wheels.

[Timo]

Q. How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Just one. He holds the bulb and the world rotates around him.

[Brien]

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

and:

A dyslexic satanist sold his soul to Santa.

[maxelson]

Hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?
Stayed up all night pondering the existence of dog.

[Timo]

Originally posted by brien:
A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

and:

A dyslexic satanist sold his soul to Santa.

The dyslexics banded together under the slogan
"Workers of the world untie."

[Diggory Laycock]

Two dyslexics are out in the Alps on a skiing holiday. Half way down the piste they have an argument about their technique.

fifteen minutes later they are still arguing and decide to call in an arbitrator. Luckily a couple of seconds later a third bloke comes down the piste on a sledge.

The dyslexics stop him and explain their situation.

skiers: "Could you help us - we can't agree whether we should Zig Zag down the hill, or Zag Zig down the hill"

guy on sledge: "Sorry I can't help - I'm a tobogganist."

1st skier: "Oh right - then can I have a packet of twenty Marlboro Lights."

[andi*pandi]

my friends favorite:

what's brown and sticky?
A stick.

and to follow with the cow jokes, I give you my favorite Knock Knock joke ever!

Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupting Co----MOOOOOOO!

Works better as a spoken word joke.

[WhaMe]

Two priests walk into a bar, the nun ducks.


Two baby seals walk into a club.

[maxintosh]

Q: What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The location of the dirt bag.

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.

Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho cheese.

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it.

[maxintosh]

PROCRASTINATORS, UNITE!!!....tomorrow...

[benb]

One day, a man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man sets about his task. Forty five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a monk.

[benb]

Ju hear whut happened? Th' Alamaba Govahner's manshun burned down yessuhterday! Fry mah hide! Almost took out th' whole trailer park. Shet mah mouth! They tried t'save th' library, but c'dn't. Both books went up in smoke. An' he warn't even finished colo'in' one of them yet



Q. What's black, highly dangerous, and lives in a tree?

A. A crow with a machine gun.



Q. What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A. A pool table.



Q. Where did George Washington keep his armies?

A. In his sleevies.



Q. What's Mary short for?

A. She's got no legs.

[keekeeree]

Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refigerator?

A: By the footprints in the butter.

[Spheric Harlot]

Originally posted by maxintosh:
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it.

Those two are among my all-time favorites!

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two; the trick is getting them in there.


Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One. You got a ****ing problem with that?

-s*

[Spheric Harlot]

Q: Why do elephants' feet have yellow soles?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in the custard.

Q: Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in your custard?
A: Shows you what a good disguise the yellow feet are!



A guy is standing on a street curb, spreading white flour-like powder around and making a real mess.
Policeman comes along and asks him just what he thinks he's doing - "Spreading elephant powder."
"What for?" - "To keep away the elephants!"
"But there are no elephants here!"
"I'm not surprised."

-s*

[keekeeree]

Q: How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?

A: Paint his toenails red.

[Spheric Harlot]

"What's that scar on your forehead?"
"I bit meself."
"But how did you get up there?"
"I stood on a chair."

[Hugi]

Once, there were two jazz pianists that walked past a bar.

[talisker]

A knock knock joke in French...the cheesier the French accent the better...

Frappe frappe

Qui est la?

Stars

Stars qui?

Stars qui et Hootch

[talisker]

Originally posted by hugi:
Once, there were two jazz pianists that walked past a bar.

Oh if we're talking musician jokes....

How do you know if a banjo player's at the door?

He can't find the key and he doesnt know when to come in

What do you call a guy that hangs around with a bunch of musicians?

A drummer

[sambeau]

A polar bear walks into a bar and the barman says "what would you like?" and the bear says "um..

[Face Ache]

Originally posted by talisker:
What do you call a guy that hangs around with a bunch of musicians?

A drummer

Did you hear about the bass player that locked his keys in the car?

It took 45 minutes to get the drummer out.

[-Q-]

Man walks into a psychiatrits office. He looks perfectly normal except instead of pants he's wearing nothing but plastic wrap around his lower half.

Psychiatrist turns to him and says, "I can clearly see your nuts."

[lil'babykitten]

This is the most relevant place I could find to put this:

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (MUST READ OUT LOUD)

1. That's not right: Sum Ting Wong

2. Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding

3. See me ASAP: Kum Hia

4. Stupid Man: Dum Gai

5. Small Horse: Ti Ni Po Ni

6. Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan

7. I bumped the coffee table: Ai Bang Mai Ni

8. I think you need a face-lift: Chin Tu Fat

9. It's very dark in here: Wao So Dim

10. I thought you were on a diet: Wai Yu MunChing

11. This is a tow away zone: No Pah King

12. Our meeting is scheduled for next week: Wai Yu Kum Nao

13. Staying out of sight: Lei Ying Lo

14. He's cleaning his automobile:Wa Shing Ka

15. Your body odor is offensive: Yu Stin Ki Pu

16. Great: Fa Kin Su Pah